Anal

... retentive? or ... sex?

Do you even have to ask?

It's always been a legend to me. Anal sex was something my friends talked about. They would say how much they enjoyed it and I always imagined they were lying, because they didn't want to say that they were doing something solely to please a man. It wasn't until recently that I thought about the process and wondered if it could possibly be a pleasing experience.

My ass was uncharted territory. Yes, I said "was." Well, that's not totally true. It's seen a finger... or two, but never at the same time. Nothing even close to a penis. I was always scared. I have heard horror stories about prolapsed rectums and other totally unappealing side-effects. But, I have never met anyone who has experienced anything even remotely that bad. The worst stories I got from friends were of discomfort. Nothing major. Just that it hurt a bit at first and that you have to take it slowly.

So, I embarked on a fact-finding mission. I asked friends, read medical journals, polled people on the street. I was determined to get the real scoop on anal sex. Turns out, if I tried it, I was probably going to come out unscathed. I was not totally convinced, so I put it into negotiation with my partner of choice.

There was only one guy that I could entrust with such a delicate task. So, I broached the subject. I started by finding out if my choice man had ever done it. I really wanted to try it with someone that had never done it before. Turns out, he was the perfect choice. Other than being smitten with him, he was gentle and I knew he was someone I could trust. We talked about it a bit and then our minds were made up. We were going to try it.

I still had to think about it for a while, but the more I thought and consulted friends, the more confident I became in my decision. Corporations and the IRS fuck me in the ass all the time, why not extend the invitation to the guy I was sleeping with? I was going to do it.

So, the next time I was at his place, we got all cozied up in bed and I got on top of him and, following Maria's earlier instruction, I attempted to control the flow. This wasn't working. I was very tense at first. I am not sure what happened in the middle, but I know by the end I was face down on the bed with him on top of me and I was relaxed.

It was good. The process itself wasn't great. We were both new to it. We would have to work at it a bit, but it was not unpleasant at all. Once we got into a rhythm, it was really good. I could tell it felt good for him (different, but good) and I was sucked into the overall feel. Gradually, the physical aspect felt better and better. I just had to relax and enjoy it. It was a more-than-successful attempt. We knocked it out of the park. And, we were each other's firsts. I never thought I would get to experience that with anyone again. It was nice.

So, I am no longer a butt virgin. I won't be takin' it up the rear frequently, but it was a great experience that I don't regret at all. I had the perfect storm: a great partner, a relaxed mood, a bottle of lube and my mind made up to try something new. And in the end, it was worth the research, the negotiations and the slight soreness the next day.

Feature Article

Gender roles are so much a part of who we are and the way we conduct ourselves, we don't even acknowledge them as anything. We accept our roles as a part of nature. We rarely acknowledge the fact that some aspects are natural, but others are socially constructed.  Most of the things we see as a natural role for women and men are social constructs.  Women and men accept their gender role just as readily as they accept their height or eye color. While you are born into a socio-economic role, people aren't born into a trade specialty. No one tells you, You have been born an architect. Here's a list of your life duties as an architect. Yet, we readily accept our duties as men and women and we perpetuate them on a daily basis. We dress our little girls up with bows and flowers and tell them they are pretty and we tell our little boys that they are strong. Barbie Dolls vs. GI Joe. Pink vs. Blue.

People might often say that it's not that common that we buck the roles we are given. We generally just accept them as part of life, if we think about them at all.  I personally think the oversight is greater than the lack of bucking.  We are bucking all the rules, it's just not being noticed.

If asked to picture the staff of Hater Magazine, people tend to envision a crew of guys. Guys read Hater more than women and people assume this means that men must be creating the magazine. Men make Hater, because men make things men like and men like Hater.  (Did you like my bastardized .... there?)  Our style is edgy and crass. The staff writers and contributors aren't afraid to speak their minds or use the most colorful of language. Hater has devoted magazines to partying, music, food ... and now, sex.  

But, Hater was created by a woman and is run by women.  We do have men writers and men on staff, but we outnumber them, greatly.  I could go into an introduction of who we are, but you can easily flip to the credits page and find that out.  I thought it would be more interesting to introduce you to our influences.   In a way of highlighting our jump out of our gender roles, I thought it fitting to start with an introductory course.  I decided to talk to the women that make Hater and those that read Hater to find out what pop culture influences made us this badass.

We grew up wearing oversized hoodies and chillin in our brother's room with him and his homeboys.  We were influenced by the boys and girls we were friends with.  And we are still influenced by the men and women equally.  Some of us had very present attentive fathers, some of us had distant fathers and other's had no one to call by that name.  Some of our mother's were crunk and fun. Some were still filling roles, but drowning in them, becoming passive aggression in attempt to find aggression at all.
We were influenced by these people a great deal.

Outside of family and friends, we had a slew of interesting answers. So, here they go.

The Influences:

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At no point, did anyone sit down and say we are making a magazine for men. There was a very distinct age and social demographic, but nothing about gender. We all liked the same things our homeboys liked. If we liked it, it was going to appeal to our demographic, which existed outside of gender roles.

So what does this say about the women that like Hater? We decided to talk to some of our female readership and see what the women who read Hater are really like. You might initially think that these women aren't the same women reading O or Glamour. The truth is. You have to dissolve that assumption. They very well might be. The same women that are reading about relationships and ab workouts could very well be counting the days until the next issue of Hater drops, waiting with baited breath to peruse the snarky articles and the photos of tatted women.



The one thing that brings the whole Hater crew, and our generation, together is that we are all assholes.  Whether male or female, black or white, rich or ... okay, none of us are rich ... you get the idea.  We aren't bound to societies rules of how we are supposed to act.  We are just Haters.  

Dating?

The word "dating" has been stirring some confusion and conflict lately. Today, a friend told me that he and I have very different views on dating. He doesn't see what I am doing as dating at all. In his opinion, dating is something you do with a person or people that you are trying to build a relationship with. Even if you are dating multiple people, you should be working toward something. He said that whatever I was doing, it wasn't dating; It was more like a process of meeting dudes and seeing what they are about.

I agree. What I am doing is absolutely a process of meeting guys and seeing what they are about. Is that not what dating is? He says it isn't. He is, currently seeing one woman full time and seeing other women on the side. He has, however, been seeing the other women for years. So, he claims to be friends with the women he has been seeing occasionally for years and he says he is dating The Regular; even though he has never been on a date with her once. He has never been on a date, actually. Not a first date anyway. He's taken women that he is dating out on dates (after they are already living together. Probably for special occasions.) But, most of the time, he just hangs out with women.

And, there it is. The dilemma: Dating vs. Hanging Out.

The women of my generation have done a whole lot of hanging out. We hang out with guys all the time. I have been talking about this with my friends a lot, lately. If they do get taken out, it's only thanks to online dating. Going directly to a strangers home to hang out is ill-advised. (Yes, I have done it. It is still ill-advised.) If we are taken out on a date, it's just because it was safer that way. So, if we want to be taken out, we have to rely on an online dating site to work that out. Instead, we settle for hanging out. I was amazed by the number of my 30 year old girlfriends who have never been picked up at home and taken out on a date. They meet a guy, start texting, agree to hang out and either have sex once, have sex regularly or end up hanging out with a guy for 4-6 years. Monogamists kill me with this. I am not judging, I am guilty of it too. The evidence is right there in my text messages;

Guy: Yeah. I'll pick you up at 8. Whachu want to do?

Me: Idunno, just hang out.

Grow some balls, Poly. If you want dinner and a drink, say you want dinner and a drink. Say you just want to get out and do something. Stop hanging out with every dude that comes along. I am not the type to require an expensive meal to get into my pants. I can't be bought like that. But, I would at least like to know what you act like when outside of the confines of your living room.

Everyone can't be clumped into one category. Some guys are totally worth the hang out. I will hang out with Lewis every time we see each other and he can always 'get it,' without fail. We don't have to go and sit in a restaurant and chit chat. We can sit and create things together and have great conversation, then have amazing sex. That is okay. He gets a pass. But, every guy can't have a pass. And, I have to wonder what it is inside of me that feared going out. What is it about my friends and their cohorts that has produced an entire generation of sexually active men and women, that have been in long-term relationships, been married, had kids, gotten divorced and all the while, never been on a date?

My mother went on dates. She dated a new man every weekend. It wasn't a new, edgy thing. She didn't write a blog or a book, no one would have read it. It was the norm. She was average. Sure, society, at that time, felt that having sex out of wedlock would have scarred her for life. The pressures to be a virgin were like the world on the female dater's shoulders. It is a different time now. We can have sex without the same societal scrutiny, but as someone that is putting it all out there, it's not a fair trade. I am absolutely judged for my decisions to be fully in charge of my sexuality. I get emails and letters about it every day. And yet, I still have to ask for a real date.

I don't remember actively agreeing to this new climate, but my text messages bare all the evidence of full agreement. So, I have made the decision to change that. I have put together a full week of real dates. Last night was the first one. It felt a lot like hanging out. That was my fault. The rest of the week, I will adhere to the rules:

• I will be picked up from home.
• I will dress nicely.
• I will be taken out on a date.

Morning Glory

How is it possible that the whole world doesn't wake up fuckin'? (Normally I try to save profanities for the middle or end of a blog post, but I am very passionate about this subject.) Morning sex is my favorite pastime. I challenge you to try to think of a better way to prime a good day? Nothing says a day of success and healthy outlooks like a morning orgasm. Nothin'. Even when I am tired and wanting to sleep, even when I push and pull away at first, I always give in. Sometimes I just have to wake up a little more and get some perspective; you know, remember what's important in life.

Morning sex is the perfect combination of innocence and grime. Your hair is messed up, your breath is stank. Your vision hasn't adjusted yet. Shits all bright. But at the same time, you are new to the world. It's a brand new day. Anything could happen. Birds are chirping, roosters are crowing and you are cumming. Like something out of a fairy tale.

My personal favorite is "The Presentation." In the spooning position, I ease back, press up against him and present. If he didn't wake up first, I slowly wind my body up against his until he's awake and hard. More likely than not, he will grab my hip and pull me against him. This gives a little early morning rush, then it's on from there. No talking, no seduction, no foreplay. We have to be ready for work in 30 minutes. Time to get down to business.

On a weekend morning, Morning Glory can lead you to a full day of sex. On a weekday it can lead to a good day at work and on a Monday, it sets the perfect stage for a killer week. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday it is just required to get you through the midweek lull and Friday sex is just a given. It's the cherry on top of an already oversexed week!

*Morning Glory is never to be used to replace the 'nooner'. There is no reason why you can't have both.

Jealousy

... is my closest guess to what hell feels like. (Not that I believe in a literal hell.)

The only regrets I have in life have all spawned from actions that came out of jealousy. I think it is the most painful of emotions. It is also the most useless. I've yet to see any good that comes from jealousy. When I am sad, I can sleep and write. When I am angry I can clean ... and write. When I am happy, I can do anything. When I am jealous, I can be jealous.

Jealousy is the emotional product of insecurity. It sneaks in when we are feeling particularly insecure and it finds a situation or person on which to attach itself. If your partner cheats on you, that is a perfect situation for jealousy to creep in. I have been cheated on and it made me question so many things. I created all these reasons why my lover cheated, dreamed up images and scenarios. It was ugly.

I have also cheated. None of the reasons I had dreamed up to explain my partner's actions played any role in my cheating. I didn't cheat because the person was so much greater than my partner. They weren't. They were just there. My reasons for cheating were totally selfish. They had nothing to do with my boyfriend and the fact that I cheated didn't mean I loved him any less. It just meant I wasn't in a place to be with one person. I had no place making an agreement to be responsible to him. I was irresponsible. But, I couldn't accept this rationale when it came to my partner's indiscretion.

My jealousy was irrational. It was the hate-child of insecurity and betrayal. I had made an agreement with someone and they hadn't held up their end. Worse things have happened. But, jealousy didn't see it this way. My insecurities engulfed me and I saw myself as a whole different person. I wasn't sexy, I wasn't calm, I wasn't funny ... I was just jealous.

This is an extreme case. Jealousy takes other forms as well. It creeps in when you get passed up for a promotion, when a friend looks better in an outfit and it blames and picks apart the person that got promoted or the fly friend. These are conditions under which jealousy can grow and flourish. But, in the absence of insecurity, jealousy cannot thrive. Confidence and security kill jealousy.

At times, jealousy tries to creep into my mind; When I see exes with new partners, when classmates get better scores or when I see blogs that are better than mine. The latter two are more likely for me. Since I have cut out monogamy, I have experienced ever-diminishing amounts of jealousy. I have also grown in other ways. It can't be solely written off to cutting out monogamy. When I see a brilliant or beautiful woman, I never feel the urge to pick her apart or cut her down. I usually just feel like thanking Mother Nature for another job well done.

There is one place I still battle jealousy quite frequently. It's in my writing and in my academics, but as soon as I feel it creeping in, I recognize it and I push it out with violent force. Jealousy threatens my greatness and I can't have that. It threatens to consume me in uselessness. If I feel it, then I know insecurity is somewhere nearby. I try to pinpoint that insecurity and figure out how I can be better and appreciate my strengths more.

This is a work in progress. I still have shame around my actions and thoughts that came out of jealousy, but I am working on making amends with myself. It started with recognizing that only I could push that horrible emotion out of my life and refocus that energy. I am working to recognizing my strengths and weaknesses and finding a balance that will allow me to constantly improve myself instead of trying to pick others apart and focusing on their weaknesses.

I realize that we are all just trying to make it. Live and let live.

Masturbation

Being a Serial Dater, I have lulls in action. If monogamy goes right, one of its great perks is regularly scheduled and unscheduled sex. While monogamy takes more work, altogether, getting laid requires more from the serial dater. Sometimes, I don't feel like going out. Sometimes all the top choices are busy. Sometimes, I don't feel like shaving my legs. Sometimes, it's a Tuesday. On these nights, if the urge strikes, I take care of business myself. But, this is only one circumstance under which masturbation may occur. There are others.

For me, masturbation is not only to be approached as a substitute for sex. It is it's own thing. It is the time I spend with me. I have sex with others and I have sex with myself. Actually, I mean more to me than that. I like to think that I am "making love" to myself. Anyway, sex and masturbation; They are two different acts and neither are interchangeable for long spans of time. Even when I am in a relationship ... I can have sex 3 times a day and occasionally I will still need to get intimate with my favorite lady. I don't masturbate because my partner isn't satisfying me, I masturbate because I want to satisfy myself.

While masturbation can serve as a quick fix when sex is unattainable or just inconvenient, it can also be a slow and deliberate process. There are nights when I clean my room, make my bed, take a warm bath and then settle into bed, either in a pair of sexy panties or totally nude, with the full intention of seducing myself. I turn off my cell phone and dim the lights. Sometimes I use visual stimuli and sometimes I just close my eyes and think about a man or woman and a situation. I like the way my body looks when I masturbate; I turn myself on. I like the way it feels; It is a whole different experience of intimacy. I usually get wet the moment my back hits the bed.

This isn't the shameful act portrayed in movies. No one is sneaking off into the restroom to rub one out real quick. This is the act of a grown woman. It's one of the things I do for myself. I don't eat pork or too much red meat, I get massages, I take vitamins, I journal, I get exercise, I meditate and I masturbate. It's a part of a healthy lifestyle.

No Sharing

I met Lynn many years ago. I was dating this guy. We'll start there.

The guys aren't the important part of this story. But, for those of you out there, you might want to listen up. This affects you too.

I was in my early 20's. I was a year or so out of an awful 2 year relationship. And, I couldn't have been happier to get out and meet people. I was "meeting" lots of people. Well, I met this guy. I mean I met him, I didn't 'meet' him. He was one of many and his name was .... we'll come back to that. So, he would come over and we would talk. I had an apartment that I shared with a roommate. So, he and I would go into my room and sit on my couch and we would talk and laugh and make out. It was very young. He was cute. I sort of liked him. Nothing to write home about.

One night I went out with friends and when we walked into the bar, I saw him across the bar. He was sitting with another woman. She was pretty. I walked over and said hello to him and he introduced me to her. She seemed cool enough. We chatted for a second, then I excused myself to the bar. A moment later, she came up to the bar. We talked and she was hilarious. We had an instant friend connection. There was no jealousy or anger over dating the same guy. She was funny, cool and pretty. I wanted her to be my friend.

The reason I didn't tell you the guys name earlier is because neither Lynn nor I remember it. He comes up in conversation occasionally as an anecdote. But neither of us have seen him in years. We probably couldn't pick him out of a line-up, but we both dated him.

This was the last time Lynn and I ever had a common denominator. We have an unspoken agreement. We don't overlap. I can think of instances where I wouldn't really care; guys that wouldn't really matter to me. But, just to be safe, we stay out of explored territories. It's not always easy to do. That's the beauty of relationships, though. The fact that there are agreements and regulations that keep it working. "Part of what makes a good friendship is a conscious effort to be a good friend." - Lynn gave me that one today. Smart girl.

So, like so many married couples, Lynn and I have limits on who we can sleep with. The difference is married couples have an agreement to never have sex with anyone but one person, whereas with Lynn and I, we only have to cut out a few guys and we can have all the other men our little hearts desire. It's not a bad agreement.

Occasionally we have friends that don't know of such agreements. They have never had them with their close friends. I'm always amazed. I think I just assume that everyone tries to keep it as clean as Lynn and I do. They don't. These chicks will date their best friends' ex sometimes. Not cool, ladies. Say your dating a guy your friend has slept with; She might not tell you, but your friend takes 5 minutes every night to stab a voodoo doll with your name on it. She doesn't like it. Friends don't like it. If you have felt it, then you remember it. You didn't like it.

As for the guys, they need to tread very lightly. I don't care what it is we are doing ... occasional casual sex, talking, texting, or dating, don't try to holla at my friends. It's not a good look for you. This is how you get gone. Most likely, if you are involved with a cool chick, her friends are cool too, and they are going to tell her that you suck and then none of them are going to talk to you. So, if you are going to try to get with one of Cool Chick's friends, you might want to pick the less intelligent acquaintance that no one really cares for. That way, when Cool Chick cuts you loose, you still stand a chance at sleeping with Cool Chick's inferior "friend." Guys, if you have a cool chick and you hollered at her friend, most likely, the friend told her and you got your walking papers. That's how real friendship works.

Lynn and I have a good relationship. It started as the most boring love triangle ever and it's grown into a debaucherous friendship. We are both single. We realize that if a guy is going to try to get with your friends, he isn't about anything and he isn't worth keeping around. Like I said, it's not about the guys, it's about the friends. We don't feel that we have to trample each other to get to a man. There are a lot of men out there. Life is not an every-woman-for-herself race to a courthouse to get a man and a marriage. It's a leisurely stroll to the store, with your best friend, to get a 40 and a pack of smokes. So, just relax. Slow down. You don't have to mess with a friend's ex. Give it 5 minutes and another dude just as good or better will pass by.

*This applies to friend's with benefits, casual and open relationships and guys I have crushes on. This rule is not to be fucked with and any violation will be a deal breaker. No exceptions.