Run Away - Pt 2

I am sort of a hopeless romantic.  I think it's why I am a serial dater.  I won't settle.  I want to be excited and I want to be adored.  There is always a man that will do it, it just turns out the man exciting me is rarely ever the man adoring me.  I don't know what that says about me.  Maybe romantic situations are always lopsided.  In any case, here is another lopsided tale from your favorite serial dater ...

So, Marlon returned.  It was a lot more relaxed this time.  He came up and we hung out in my room for a bit.  His wit and charm are a double edged sword.  The same thing in it that turns me on, also serves to repel me.  His sarcasm and his charm are endearing and they are evidence of all the practice that has gone into being charming.  Everything he says makes me smile and none of it is to be taken to heart.  It gets tiring being aware of this all the time.  Most of the time, it's easy.  I just let the wall down temporarily and I flirt and have a good time for the evening and then after a day to get over the great sex, I am as good as new and ready to move on.  But, this is a different situation and it requires a different level of concentration.

But, I was able to thoroughly enjoy his company.  We had a few drinks, watched a marathon of United States of Tera, took a walk to the liquor store and ordered dinner.  After dinner, we put on a movie and some time after Indiana Jones saved the day, yet again, Marlon's body and my body found each other.

From the moment he enters me, I feel like I am on drugs.  It's not good for my mental state.  Like I've said, I don't know if it is a combination of how attracted I am to him, the fact that I have a crush on him, the fact that is not lacking in the size area or the way he moves, but my vagina has never felt that way.  There are no major tricks.  It's like he doesn't even have to work that hard.  Neither of us do.  A little part of me feels silly saying it, because I am sure it's him.  I am sure that he has this effect on many women and that he doesn't feel the same way about the sex that I do.  But, I don't care.  The man is good at what he does.  Okay, that's not true.  I do care.  I wish that he felt the way I do.  I am just going to be honest. But, I can live with the fact that he (most likely) does not.  These situations are always lopsided and it doesn't work if he feels the same.

He says the sex is great for him too.  We talked about it and he said it was amazing.  I don't buy it.  (Trust issues, remember?)  But, I also know enough about people to know that they want to hear that the sex they just had was good for the other person and I know enough to know that not everyone can be as brutally honest as I can.  If I told everyone that the sex with them was amazing, it wouldn't really matter to the people that actually were amazing.  And in the end, it's just sex.  Either get better at it, or be okay with the fact that you are mediocre.  So, in his moment of telling me that the sex was good, he said that it was not sex he could have every day.  He said sex with me was like his favorite candy bar and that you have to only have it once a month or so or you grow tired of it.  As I am moving back to Houston in 4 months, I informed him that his favorite candy bar was going out of manufacture in a few months.  To which, he posed the question do you then take the next few months to stock up?  The trouble is you can't stock up on a person that is moving to a different part of the country.

But, that wasn't the point.  What I got from the whole candy bar analogy was another reality check.  Even when I get back from my vacation in a month, I shouldn't expect to see Marlon very often.  The candy bar analogy was just a sugar-coated way of saying that.  (I make no apologies for the pun... it was a good one.)  He also compared me to Crystal Pepsi, saying that you still think about it even though it's been discontinued.  The trouble is, I want to be more than a memory.  I don't want to be a shitty product that couldn't compete with Sprite.  Then, he made the comment that it was our last time together.  So, I guess I will have some good memories and I don't have to worry about when I might see him again.  This was relieving in a way.  The words were right there.  He took out the guess work.

In my last relationship and in other shorter experiences, I have been in situations where a person said one thing and meant another.  I was lied to by someone else. But, Marlon is being honest and the only person that can lie to me now is me.  So, this is a moment I want to share with all of those out there that can relate.  When a message is coming across loud and clear, listen to it and move on.  I didn't want to marry Marlon, I didn't want him to be my boyfriend, but I definitely don't want to like someone more than they like me again.  I am too tired.  So, I am going to be smart on this one.

A part of me wishes that I could get to know Marlon.  That part wishes that we could be friends or that I could see what things I have misjudged, but I am the candy bar and the discontinued Crystal Pepsi, so I don't get to know people much at this time in my life.  I definitely don't get to get close to anyone.  At a time in life when I could really stand to know someone and have someone that knows me, I am in a transitory place and I have to rely on self along with passing encounters to keep me warm at night.  I know this and I accept it.  But, it still kinda sucks.  On the bright side, if I just happened upon someone that could make me feel the way Marlon did, after not feeling that way for years, there is still hope ... Right?

Run Away

After much back and forth, I saw Marlon again this weekend.  He came out on Friday afternoon and stayed until Saturday morning.  I didn't have any faith that he was going to come back after our first visit.  I had no reason to get my hopes up and I avoid disappointment like the plague, so I had all but written him off in my mind.  We would text back and forth and we even Skyped a few times since we met.  But, in my mind, he was a one time thing.  A one time thing that I liked a lot, but a one time thing, nonetheless.

I have discovered, in my old age, that liking someone is a very small part of what might come to be and is rather inconsequential.  I have to be smarter about who I get my hopes up over or who I even expect to see again.  Unlike in bed, I generally lay back and let them do all the work when it comes to a second date.  If New England and dating, in general, have taught me anything, it's that you can burn a lot of energy and time following up with men.  I have grown rather lethargic in that area.  But, all that having been said, I liked Marlon.  

The first/last time I saw Marlon, I was all kinds of conflicted.  I hadn't expected to like him.  We had video chatted and I thought he was cute and funny, but I didn't really expect to have a connection.  I was curious about what kind of lover he would be.  He was sarcastic and witty and I wondered how that would translate over in the bedroom.  So, he visited and he was funny.  He was kind of exactly what I had expected.  He was cuter in person, but he was pretty much the person I had expected to spend my evening with.  But after we had sex, I was so confused.  Everything changed.  He was, he is the best partner I have ever had.  Train Guy comes in second and I would have to think about it from there on... But Marlon is definitely numero uno in bed.

Of course, this means that for the first couple of days after our initial meeting, I was smitten.  I smiled when I thought about him.  I got flush when I thought deeper.  He would come into my mind at random points throughout the day.  This is normal for me after good sex.  I get smitten.  It generally fades and is gone within a week.  With Lewis, we continued to have good sex every week, so the glitter didn't fade for a while.  But, it's gone now.  We are just friends.

Back to Marlon.  So, I gave it a week.  But it didn't fade.  He still periodically entered my mind.  He was texting me every morning, which I didn't particularly like.  I like for contact to be organic.  That has been one of the themes I have talked about regularly here.  I like romance, sex and all things related to be organic.  I don't want anything forced.  His morning texts felt forced and they felt like they were probably part of a bulk text that went out to more women than just me.  As I have said, I don't mind that he dates other people, but I don't want to be part of a responsibility.  If he didn't think about me specifically, I would prefer he didn't text or call.  I am not that woman that needs to hear from a man every day, anyway.  All that aside, the feelings didn't fade.  Three weeks passed and even though we hadn't seen each other again and I was sure we wouldn't, I was still smitten.

Then, he came back.  I wasn't ready.  But, somewhere during that 20 hours of amazing, the spell was broken and the sun went down and I returned to reality.  From here on out, I am going to stay focused on remembering that liking someone is not the only factor at play.  I need to be smarter than I have been.  I let myself fall too deep into like for someone that will never return the feelings.

I was in a relationship for 6 years with someone that I liked more than they liked me and I won't ever even come close to that feeling again.  Not even in a situation as casual as this is with Marlon.  At some point in a conversation about a guy staying with me for two days, Marlon made the statement, "I don't get that.  I couldn't stay with someone for two days.  I would have to really like them."  Just as I typed it I got a little ping in my stomach.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  He might like me okay.  But, I am not a two days kinda like.  I am more of an overnight, once a month kinda like.  That is perfectly fine, but I needed to put some things into check for myself.  I am not 19 anymore and falling for the sake of falling is no fun anymore.  I am not into self deprecation and so whatever I am to Marlon, an interesting read or a good time, he's not someone I should think about and smile multiple times a day.  And he's not someone I should be thinking about when I am lying in bed with another man.  I needed to pull it together and so that is what I did.

More details of the date and more amazing sex to follow ... stay tuned ...

The Want To Be Wanted

James asked me a good question on our date.  He asked if there are guys that want to be "The One."  Are there guys that want to conquer or tame me.  It was actually something I had been thinking about a lot lately.  My mind had been asking the same question in different forms: "Why do men (that don't want you) want you to want them?"

When I initially posed this question to myself, it wasn't so clear.  It was muddled with specifics.  Men were giving me lines and asking if I wanted more from them faster than I could process any of it.  I was spinning around wondering why having an interest in seeing someone more than once meant that you wanted a relationship and why so many guys refused to believe me when I said I did not want to be monogamous.  Are people really such commitment-phobes that the shear possibility that someone wants to see them more than once sends them running for the hills?  Or, are they too afraid to admit that, occasionally, they just want a single serving sexual encounter?

If the former is the case, that's absurd.  You should be able to enjoy a persons company more than once without falling into a relationship.  And, everyone controls their own relationship status.  You can't be coaxed, coerced or forced into anything you don't want.  If you want to be single, just be honest and if the person says they want the same thing, then it's on them if they change their mind and step out on a limb to see if you might have had a change of heart.  And, if you haven't, all is fair in love and war.  It doesn't make you the bad guy to say that you haven't changed your mind.  Being ready for a relationship is a very personal thing.  If you don't want one, you just don't want one.  If you aren't ready, you aren't ready.  And, if you just don't want one with that particular person, that is okay too.  I don't mind hearing that a man doesn't want a relationship or monogamy.  I just wish they would believe me when I tell them the same thing.

If the latter is the case, this is bullshit too.  Sometimes I just want to hit and quit.  So, I either tell the guy, or I stop returning texts and phone calls.  I do it immediately after the encounter.  They just don't hear from me again.  If they ask if I want to chill again, I say no.  It's not nice.  It's not sugar coated.  But, it's honest.  I might tell them that I am sure they are great, but I am not interested. The rejection might be tough, but everyone isn't right for everyone.  I don't always want to see a guy again after the first date or after we have hooked up.  It's just the way things are.  So, I don't mind if a guy tells me that he just wanted to hook up or that he didn't really dig me.

However, this is generally not the case.  Men will continue to text you and say "Wassup" every now and then, knowing good and well they aren't trying to see you again.  Why is this?   Maybe they are just being nice, but I see this as a waste of time and energy.  We are dating here.  Rejection is part of it.  If you don't get rejected and you don't ever reject anyone, then no one is special.  You find yourself floating in a pool of mediocrity.  So, I have no problem telling a man that I am not interested.  If he keeps texting, I will ignore him.  We don't have to be friends after one date.  I don't think it's nice to keep a guy thinking I am interested in seeing him again if I have no interest.

There is one other possibility that just occurred to me.  The Reserves List.  A guy might keep talking to you just in case he needs to call on you in a pinch at a later date.  This is kind of a cop out, but it is valid. The thing is, I have a reserve list too.  The trouble with this list is that it requires impeccable timing, a prearrangement or one party has to be a bit more desperate.  Impeccable timing: One party hits the other up and it just so happens to be a time when the other person is in need of a quick fix, as well.  Desperation: One party has been waiting on reserve for that call.  This is a lopsided situation.  Prearrangement is just that.  You have both agreed to be "on-call" for the other in times of need.

Then there is the final possibility.  Everyone wants to be wanted.  We all want someone to pine for us.  We want to feel cherished and adored.  Some are even willing to accept such adoration from someone they don't particularly want to be with.  So, some people keep you on a string even though they don't want you.  They just want you to want them.  If they do want to spend time with you, then they want you to want them and want time with them a little more than they want it with you and some want you to fall in love with them, knowing good and well, they won't be falling in love with you.

So again, I end with the one golden rule that I have been screaming since jump street.  Honesty is the best policy.  If you want it, give it.  If a person isn't being honest about what they want, that's their bad.  But don't think a possibility of dishonesty gives you the right to a preemptive lie.  If everyone keeps trying to beat each other to the lie, then honesty is lost.  If I tell you I liked you and want to see you again, but I don't want a boyfriend, just believe me.  I promise I don't have a boyfriend dungeon I am waiting to toss you into.  I just liked your company.

The Good Date Gets A Name

I had another date with The Good Date.  We are going to call him James.  After spending the past month talking every day and confiding in each other, I would say that James is a true friend.  He is sweet and encouraging.  I show him all of my photo projects waiting for praise and positivity.  I have some that I go to for real criticisms and critiques.  That's not James.  James and I play the role of putting each other in good moods and making jokes all day.  And yet, when I wake up feeling sad or lonely, I can text James and get a simple response, "I get it, Belle."  He calls me Belle.

So, James and I had our second date.  It was great.  He came bearing gifts.  He brought a bottle of whipped cream flavored vodka - Win.  And, he brought me boxing wraps and quick wraps, so I'll stop tearing up my knuckles when I do heavy bag work.  These gifts, especially the wraps were more about the gesture than the gift.  I mean, sure I will enjoy not having bruised and bloody knuckles.  Who wouldn't?  But, the gesture says that at some point when I wasn't around and we weren't in mid-conversation, he thought about me and made the effort to bring me something that he thought I needed.  The gloves, not the vodka.  But, I probably needed the vodka as well.  It is finals time.

So, he came over, we had a couple drinks, then we walked into town to have sushi.  It was was lovely.  We have the best conversations.  I don't even know where it gets started, but we talk about everything.  We mostly talk about relationships, but the conversations tend to jump all over the place.

When I first met James, I thought I might really like him.  The chemistry was great and we had a lot of funny conversations.  As things progressed, I didn't know where he was going to fall on the dating spectrum.  Turns out, I was right.  I do really like him.  But, it's not what I expected at all.  James is a constant.  He won't fade in and out.  I could see us being friends for a long time.  You hear about those friends that dated, but didn't really ever make anything of it. That is me and James. We will be those friends.

Lewis is another one of those.  The sex is great.  There is definitely love there, but it's not fully equipped with the passion and the magnetism that attracts and eventually repels.  Both of these guys will just be there.  I care for them and I want them to be a part of my life in the long run.

That having been said, the date was great, the sushi was delicious.  The drinks did their job and at the end of the evening, we had a fiery moment, had sex and and he let me take photos of his extremely sexy naked body.  It was great.  But, as I was drifting off, I had this feeling.  I was happy to have James in my bed.  I was happy to have had good sex with a friend.  It wasn't empty sex, but it wasn't full sex either.  So, as I drifted off, my mind was pulled toward someone that I didn't want to think about and I fell asleep wondering why I always want something other than what is sleeping peacefully by my side.

I Am Not Ready To Love

As promised, I am going to explain why I am not ready to love and per request, I am also going to explain why I have nothing to offer a relationship.

First and foremost, I will start by telling you something very personal.  I lost a sister almost exactly a year ago.  It was sudden and it was traumatic.  Grieving the death of a sibling is gut wrenching and it pretty much takes you over.  In my lowest moments, while crying on the floor, in a ball, alone, I wish I had someone to hold me.  I wish I had someone to hold my hand and just be there.  But, being far away from home, I have done most of my grieving alone.  I don't suggest this.  This is the one thing I have done alone because there was no other choice.  This was not the choice I made.

That having been said, I am not ready to be in a relationship, because I am sad.  Some days I am a joy to be around and some days I am just sad.  While I could use someone to hold my hand on those days when I am sad, I do not know what I can give back yet.  I am still closed off and emotionally scarred from my last relationship and the grief piled on top does not help.

I am not the person I want to bring into a relationship.  A year ago, maybe even six months ago, I would have jumped into another relationship head first.  It would have been the easy thing to do at the time and it would have bitten me in the ass in the long run.  It always has.  So, I decided to take a break.  Then I decided to continue with my relationship break, but add men back into the picture.  So, I started dating.  I can date.  I can barely date.  I find myself wanting more of an emotional attachment from men that I start off just having sex with.  (Not all of them, mind you.)  But, some of the men I date, I look for a friendship from.

Some offer friendship readily. We'll call this type "Guy A."  Some are just like that.  Others want nothing to do with friendship.  This is "Guy B."  They are just there for the sex, and you know that from day one.  Then, there are those that want to keep having sex with you, want to talk to you about their relationship woes or their lives, but the moment you are in need, they are short with you and they flee, as soon as possible.  This gem is "Guy C."  There are also variations of all three and midpoints between each.  I am just now figuring this out, but I am always on guard and wondering when Guy A is going to turn into Guy C.

So, I keep my guard up. As I have said, I have trust issues.  In a conversation with Marlon last night, he mentioned that I noted that I have trust issues.  He made a sarcastic joke about not noticing.  But, it is true.  I have put him through the ringer.  I think he is a nice guy.  But, even typing the words, I feel like a sucker.  If he feels like he is having to prove himself to me just as a lover and friend, can you imagine what I will put a prospective partner through?

I am a nice person and I don't want to do that to a man.  So, I won't let myself fall for one.  I will just keep my guard up until I have had some time to heal.  Or, until a man comes along and we can walk through trust together.  This guy doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend, just a kind hearted and patient soul.  But, until one of those things happens, I will be single and I am perfectly happy with that ... most of the time.  

The reason I am not ready to love is pretty much the same.  I can't let my guard down and I can't get close to anyone in that way again for a while.  My last relationship was 6 years and that is a long time to be with one person.  If I were younger, I would allow myself to fall for Marlon.  He doesn't want a relationship either, but that wouldn't have mattered.  I would have had fun being smitten with him regardless of how he felt.  I don't really do that anymore ... or at least I'm not doing it right now.  I'm just playing everything safe.  While it's not as much fun to play it safe, my emotions aren't up for any roller coasters right now.  So, I will sit here, with my feet firmly planted, waiting for this Guy A to jump to Guy C, at which point, I will turn and walk away with my head held high.  There will be no need to pick myself up, because I won't allow myself to fall.

Some Methods, More Madness

My original goal of starting this blog was a funny tell-all for myself and my friends.  As soon as I wrote my first entry, I realized it as a sort of catharsis.  It would soon turn into a way for me to tell my truths as a sort of support tool for other women.  Then, in a final twist, I realized that men related to it as well.  Men that I am dating or friends with have been able to read and feel a little less alone in the craziness that is dating.

So, the blog is about dating.  But that's just the surface.  More than being about dating or sex, it's about the truth that is individual to everyone.  Whose truth? is a big question when looking at any story.  Different versions don't necessarily equal out to - someone is lying.  Different versions of the same story are, at times, just the different perspectives.  When it comes to one truth, I don't know that I believe such a thing exists.  Honesty, however, is one thing that I have found hope in.

I have trust issues.  I can honestly say that a guy screwed me over on that.  I trusted him and he was really shitty.  I am good with owning my part of it, but I refuse to believe that trusting someone and loving them is a set up for being fucked over.  I frequently hear, "well it takes two to have a bad relationship," but the truth is, it was a good relationship.  Sometimes things just happen.  Those things don't make him a horrible person, they just make him a person that was and possibly still is too weak to own his truth and be honest about it.  So, in my attempt to work through my trust issues, I am not looking for a universal truth, but I am looking for the version of the story that is told from an honest place.  Ultimate truth is a legend reserved for court rooms and wedding chapels.  The idea of universal truth is a big universal lie.

I am glad that I entered into this exploration to learn more about myself and not to discover some truth or right way of doing things.  I'm glad I didn't expect to get some grasp of what the truth is about men and relationships.  Because, I don't believe that truth exists.  I think people just drift around the dating world. They all have different feelings and motives and they all have the capacity to be honest or dishonest.  I choose honesty and I choose to realize that while my feelings might vary from person to person, my truth stays the same.  I lose sight of it from time to time.  I got homesick and lonely and thought I might get into a relationship with Todd.  I had feelings for The Repeat Offender and Lewis, but I knew I didn't want relationships with either of them.

The fact of the matter is, even if I feel myself falling for someone, I have nothing to offer a relationship.  It can be tempting to plant my flag on a man that I like a lot.  Part of me wants to make them mine, to throw caution to the wind and dive in head first.  But, I have to remain honest.  I haven't gone through the ups and downs of these past few months to stop my growing process when it's still incomplete.  And, my truth is, I am not ready to love.

*More about why I am not ready to love to come ...

My Week Of Online Dating Mishaps/Disasters/What The Fu.....

Okay, so apparently the online dating gods want to make sure I have good material to keep my readership up, because the insanity keeps pouring in daily.  So I got a new message in my "prospective date" turned "probably not" inbox.  Apparently the pond got polluted, because while there are plenty of fish, most of them are nuts.  I don't mean to say this guy is nuts... But, his message had me looking over my shoulder.

I need some opinions on this one, people.

The Message:

Title - "Nice Blog (: You possess sexual agency

Body -

"Hi, I read your blog before, and I am impressed with your ability to garner agency in your sex life.  I have some pics to share, and I travel and stay not that far from you.  I possess the intellectual ability to converse on many level(s).  You will enjoy my company very much(:  Send me an email address and I'll send you pic(s) of me from head to toe(: TTYL, C."

Not so super strange on the surface, right?  Well, here are the details that made me say "What tha ..."

A.  There is no direct link between this blog and my online dating profile.  The link to the blog isn't on my profile.

B.  My real name is only in two posts here on the blog and it's shortened on the profile.

C.  Dude lives in Cleveland, OH.  So, I didn't just turn up on a random search.

So, either he reads the blog and he decided to search for my profile or he stumbled upon me and recognized my pic.  And, since he reads the blog, he's probably going to read this post.  Dave Chappelle was right.  The internet is a creepy place.

*Hopefully my friends are just playing another prank on me... remember the late night phone masturbator.  Good stuff.  I'm just going to hope this is one of them ...