Friday, August 12, 2011

in·ar·tic·u·late

Yep. That's me. Over the past few weeks, I have really started to realize how awful I am at communicating. I want so desperately to do it. But, as soon as I am in a situation where I have the ear of the person to which I want to relay my thoughts/feelings, I lose all eloquence and ability. I don't really know how this would be cute, if it were. But, that doesn't matter, because it's not cute. It's not cute or quirky at all.

I clam up. I say things that are indirect and never relay the message my brain and heart want to send. I end up going in circles and never, ever do I land at a conclusion that can get me any closer to the where I want to be. My words are counter-intuitive to my wants. So, instead of saying the things I want to say, I write.  Writing is my way of communicating. Trouble is, in this case, what needs to be communicated to one person is being communicated to hundreds of people. But, this is the best I can do. And, trust me, I know my best is not good enough. Baby steps.

This is the story of my most recent communication failure. I met a guy. He's funny, smart and a bit neurotic. We are sexually compatible, able to chill for hours on end and our communication is as good as it can be with me and anyone. He's open and we talk through a lot of things without talking too much. Lately, it feels like we have been talking entirely too much. This is because I can not say what I want to say. But, I am also not sure what it is I want.

A couple of posts back, I wrote that I don't know what I am doing with this guy. And I don't. So, I can't describe what we 'are.' Because I have no clue. We sleep together. We hang out like once a week or week and a half. I go to his place and spend the night usually. Recently he came and spent some time with a friend and I, and we came back to my place. This is where most of the recent talk took place ... in my room. It was painful. So, I was glad to be on my territory. Not because I wanted to have power over the situation. Because, I did not. But, because I am so terribly nervous and uncomfortable talking about relationships and feelings. It's really hard for me.

But, I did it. Sort of. I can't even begin to go into what I said. Just imagine someone wanting something/someone and having no idea how to say it. That's what it was like. I avoided eye contact, as much as possible. I fidgeted. I said "never mind" a lot. And, at my highest point, I said "I'm going to save you. You don't have to respond." As if to say, "I know you really don't want to have this conversation, so don't feel obligated to have it." I assumed he didn't want to be talking about what we are, so I thought I would save him and attempt to dig out of the conversation I thought I wanted to have. Instead, I am fairly sure I offended him. He got off of my bed and stood in my room for the rest of the conversation.

It started out with him talking about future time we would spend together. He very clearly expected us to hang out again. He was talking about things we would do to make our time together better, new ways of opening up communication and improving upon our sex. It all seemed fair enough, but the trouble was, it conflicted with something I had already sorted out in my mind: that we weren't going to talk about the future, that the future was non-existent with us. Because, we were just going day-by-day. We have no sort of commitment to each other. We have not agreed to stop seeing other people. We are not really anything.

(All) that having been said, I have feelings for him.  They are unique, because every relationship between two people is unique from the next. I have friends that I have slept with that I would not call 'lovers.' I have men that I sleep with that I would not call 'friends.' I have people that I have seen romantically that I never clicked with and just stopped talking to. And then, I have him.

The other situations are easy to navigate, because they are pretty clear pretty early on. The situation with him is frustrating, because I know we both like each other. I know we are both clicking. I know that there is a deeper connection. But, I still don't know what that means to him. We started to talk about 'us' twice now, and he said the same thing... The first time he said "Let's see where this goes." That was fine with me, because I was definitely not looking to call anyone boyfriend. Nor, was I ready to figure out how I would stop talking to the other men in my life. Being exclusive was a scary thought.

The second time we broached the subject, he said he doesn't "rush into anything." That is also fair enough. However, we have been sleeping together for almost two months. And, I have no idea of how to tell if a guy is seriously saying "let's see where it goes" or if he is saying "this is never going to happen with us, but I really like sleeping with you and being in your company for now." The other situations didn't require me to navigate this subject. To be honest, this situation was not requiring me to navigate this situation either. But, my feelings were pushing me to figure out what was going on.

The question, that had earlier plagued my thought process, of how I would disconnect from my other lovers was no longer an issue. It had just happened. I still talk to The Stranger, but he is not a lover. I would like for him to be a lover one day, but that has no impact on my real, tangible situation. I have not been dating or seeing anyone else. I don't know when it happened... I went on a few dates with other guys in the beginning. But, I haven't dated or slept with anyone but him in about a month.

So, this is what it is. I have feelings for him. He has proven to be worth dropping all the others. The feelings I have grow every time we are together. When something good happens, I want to text him and share it with him. I want to support him through the stress he is currently going through. I want him to support me through mine. I want a partnership with him. And, I am fairly sure that in two months, and two months from that, he will still be 'seeing where it goes.' I, however, (think I) can see where it's going. In the end, I will be hurt. So, I made the decision that night in my room, that I would rather not be hurt. And, I launched a preemptive strike and told him I cannot see/sleep with him anymore. When you are sitting seconds away from rejection, seconds away from pain, it's just easier to bow out. That's what I did. I told him that we could talk about it more later. But, that was just lip service. Pain at the hands of a man is something that I have not experienced in many many MANY moons. I don't plan on starting back up now.

I probably made a mistake that night. But, fear has a way of making folks do that.


2 comments:

  1. You should write whatever you want to say to him, and practice saying it to him. Since you write so beautifully, it should be easier to speak your mind, whatever you have to say, if you plan it in advance, more than mentally. I think your last paragraph needs to be said to him, if it hasn't already :) Happy Sunday Poly

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  2. Yeah you need to talk to him. You need to know what he clearly wants and what he is trying to go with your situation. A vague answer such as "let's just see where this goes" is not enough even though in my opinion that is answer enough. Open up with your communication failings and then proceed to where the conversation needs to go. You deserve to know what is really what and be able to decide for yourself where you want to go without fear getting in the way. Hope everything works out. XOXO

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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