Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Maybe Boyfriend And My Past

I have mentioned him before.  It's a situation wholly unlike the others I have written about.  Normally, my style is move fast, ask questions later.  Or don't.  A lot of the time, it's all here and gone so quickly, there is no need for questions or conversation of any sort.

Lately (the past few years), I have not been looking for anything from anyone.  I have been coasting along, bettering myself and enjoying each day as it comes.  I have been pseudo-sucked in by a few charming individuals ... Lewis and Marlon.  But, for the most part, I have kept a healthy distance and explored my sexuality with few expectations of anyone but myself.

Expecting little of other people is refreshing.  It's not as lonely as I would have expected.  It's actually allowed me to open up to people, appreciate them for who they are and create bonds that I have otherwise not been able to have.  It also allowed me to see who people really are.  This ability has given me the space to get to know people without needing them for anything at all.  I realized that in the past, I created a place for others to fill emotional needs I had.  I had a small pocket for everyone.  And it left me open to be being hurt when people didn't fulfill these 'needs' and wants.

I still want people to give as much as they take.  The only difference is, I'm not dishing out the love and favors right off the bat now.  I enter into situations on a level playing ground.  I don't need anything from you and you don't need anything from me.  I respect everyone and everyone is to respect me, but that is where the expectation ends.

My point is, I have met someone.  Never have I ever taken it this slow with a person.  We both wanted to take it slow, which is great by me.  But, we are also forced to take it slow due to the fact that he is living in Houston and I am in New England.  This has given us the opportunity to talk and get to know each other a bit.  But, it's not that interesting for you guys. There's not really any juicy details.  I could tell you about how we text each other and call each other with silly jokes.  I could tell you that I am keeping him at arms length.  Or that I fantasize about what it's like to kiss him.  How I'm scared that we won't be sexually compatible ... but I hope it's the best sex of both our lives.

I could talk about how I think about what it's going to be like to have sex with someone I know. It's been a long time.  I had sex with both Marlon and Lewis the day I met them (in person).  I had chatted with both of them.  In case you don't remember, I met Lewis on FB and through a friend and I met Marlon on a dating site.  I started having feelings for them after I had already slept with them, so it's impossible to ever know how I would have felt if we had taken it slow.  I have no way to know how I felt about them before sex, because there was no them before sex.

So, I am two dates and over a month in with this guy and the sum total of our physical interaction is two hugs.  But, we are getting to know each other in a way I haven't gotten to know anyone in a long time.  And, I think that is possible because of the choices I have made in my recent past.  I am confident in myself.  I know that no matter how this works out, I will be just fine.  It has been great up to this point and if it continues down this road, then all the better.  If it does not, I will go back to living the fabulous life I have built for myself.

I expect respect from him.  The only thing that makes this situation differ from my other recent encounters is that I am just dealing with him right now.  I might see Marlon, I might not.  But at this point, day-to-day, he's the only man in my life.  And he acts like it.  He is kind.  He is caring.  He says nice things and he compliments me and it's been a long time since I had one man that was doing all these things.  I don't need it.  But, I if it was a large sum of money, I would get naked and roll around in it.  I have spoiled myself in the past few months.  I have given myself whatever I wanted.  And now, I want him.  I want his kind words and I want his attention.

The thing that feels the best is that I am finally in a place where I can want it without needing it at all. And that not only makes this a great situation for me, but I think it's going to prove to be pretty beneficial for him too. Who knew my wonderfully torrid past would open a door for some lucky man?  Guess we never know what's going to happen.  Good thing he's been open minded enough to not care about the blog or my past.  He lets me own it as mine and he just reaps the benefits of the person it's helped me become.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Vaginas

I am taking a tribal dance class. I love it.  The other day, the instructor ventured into a discussion about Kegels, the pelvic floor, vaginal strength and balance.  I contributed to the discussion, but the rest of the class sat silent. The instructor had us squat and engage our pelvic floor while doing different breathing techniques.  The point was to see how the center of gravity exists in your pelvic floor.  But, the point was lost.  Women were embarrassed.  One even said "this is awkward and kind of disgusting."

I try to stay in some sort of dance, Pilates or yoga class. Staying strong and working on balance are important parts of my life.  My vagina is another important part. And it is far from disgusting. Actually, vaginas are a very important part of most lives.  Women get joy and pleasure from their own vaginas.  Men  and women get pleasure from other's vaginas.  Most people entered the world through one. Vaginas are kind of a uniting factor in this world.  We've all had a very intimate experience with a vagina at one point or another. 

As women, once we are introduced to the vaginal muscles, once we tone them and learn about the muscle groups around the vagina, we benefit greatly. The vagina is the center of gravity.  When I start feeling wobbly in ballet or yoga, those are the first muscles I tighten.  They are the first area to which I bring my awareness.  And once I do, I am centered immediately.  The vagina is the center of the core and if you keep it engaged during dancing or a workout, you start to train the muscles around it and you find that you are stronger than you might have thought.  It is impossible to engage the vagina and pelvic floor without engaging the transverse abdominis (the lowest and deepest set of abdominal muscles.) The transverse is your powerhouse in Pilates.  In Pilates, dance and yoga, they tell you to "engage your pelvic floor" and "transverse abdoninis." But, for me, those words have just come to mean "tighten up the good stuff."

Once I started working out and keeping a heightened awareness of that goldmine between my legs, I experienced other changes in my life.  I have trained my vaginal muscles.  I used to feel spastic and out of control when I attempted to tighten them during sex or just on the occasion when I would try to do kegels.  It was a lot like a baby attempting to walk.  The muscles tightened and moved on their own.  And I had very little control over where or how to focus my energy.  But, over time, I gained control.  Now, I can tighten all of the muscles at once.  Or I can tighten them in a wave and then reverse the wave of motion.  I an even keep a beat.  Sometimes my vagina is dancing and no one knows it. I am still learning, but I have already experienced changes.  

My partners have commented on my techniques in bed, but that isn't the best part.  Sex is so much better for me.  Having control over those muscles means having greater control over my orgasms.  At this point, a good sex partner makes for an amazing experience, but if he's not so great, I can still reach orgasm vaginally almost all of the time.  This is the part that I refer to as masturbating using a man. But, the fact is, I am only a better partner because I am working to please myself.  The motion, tightening and intensity that gets me to orgasm do the same for my partner.  But, in order to get all of these benefits, I had to accept that my vagina wasn't something I had to go through life ignoring or being ashamed of.

Now, to adress this idea that vaginas are "disgusting."  It's nonsense.  If we talk about jaw muscles, no one giggles or says "mouths are disgusting." Vaginas are self-cleaning parts of our anatomy.  When taking a shower, we should do no more than lightly run some soapy water over them.  There is no reason to get in there and scrub like it's a dirty dish.  It's already doing most of the work for you.  If the pH is right, then it stays pretty fresh and clean down there.  I'm not saying you can ignore it altogether, but the overzealous cleaning (that comes with thinking its disgusting) is what throws the pH off and makes for unwanted odors.  You don't have to scrub the pussy out like it just said a dirty word. Never should a soapy finger or wash cloth enter your vagina.  Soap does not belong inside you. Contrary to popular thought, you don't have to douche or put any other foreign chemical or solution up there.  Leave the douching to the Southern rappers.  Lil Wayne can douche his pussy if he wants, but I'm gonna stick with a lil soap and some warm water.     

Another key part of ensuring a healthy, happy vagina is using a condom and making sure your partner is clean down there.  A lot of the time, vaginas are thrown off my dirty dicks.  This causes yeast and bladder infections.  Your vagina is an opening into your body and you need to treat it as such.  Make sure you use a condom and if you are in a situation where you feel you don't need condoms, make sure your partner is free of sores or cuts and make sure he's been keeping himself as clean as he wants you to be. Same goes for fingers. I am a covert genius when it comes to inspecting cocks before they enter me. And only clean, well kept fingers go inside me. 

Once we can stop being afraid to feel down there, we can engage the muscles, enjoy the pleasure and stop punishing our *lady parts.  Ladies, your vagina is a part of you.  It's there all the time.  It's not your jump off or your side chick.  You can't just pull it out and enjoy it when you wish and then tuck it back away in shame.  You're married to it.  It's not a void between your legs.  It needs care and love.  So stop treating your pussy like it's done something wrong.  Because it's probably the only part of your life that will never do you wrong. So, treat it right. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Be Yourself

I went on a date recently and it was worth writing about.  I won't be seeing dude again, but I had to tell you guys the story.  Here goes...

He texted midday and asked me to send him the address.  He said he could use his GPS.  This is what guys normally do.  Nothing new there.  I sent him the address and he texted that he was on his way around 8pm.  I was ready and hanging out with a friend.  At around 8:30 he called saying he was lost.  He told me where he was and he was not lost.  He was actually right on track.  All he had to do was continue to the light, make a right and then make a left at the next light. Easy as pie.  I gave him the directions and went back to hanging out.

30 minutes passed.  So, I texted him.  He called back.  He had passed the street and gone I don't know where. Okay, now he was lost.  I stayed on the phone with him for the next 30 minutes. I told him to listen to my directions, but he just kept laughing and saying "Oh man."  I had to seriously ask him if he was on drugs.  I told him the building that I was standing in front of and he drove past me twice.  Then, all of a sudden, this car comes screeching around the corner.  This must be him. Great.

Once I finally got into the car, he blamed civil engineering for his getting lost.  These roads were planned and constructed horribly.  Was he kidding? He had been driving up and down the same one street for close to an hour. How can engineering be to blame for you not listening? This is a straight line.  Not to mention the fact that many men have taken this trip before and none have gotten lost.

But, I let it go.  We made our way to the restaurant. And everything was seemingly normal.  Seemingly. But, he kept doing that laughing thing and making statements that totally didn't fit.  He was obviously trying to play it "cool."  I could see that.  But it was seriously making me want to shake him and say "Just be yourself. You're a nerd.  I get it.  You're an engineer that works all the time. Quit telling me I'm 'hip-hop' cuz I don't get what you mean and you just sound like a moron." The evening progressed and I attempted to tell him stories about my photo project or talk about life.  But, he kept saying the same tag lines. "Oh but you were too real for that." "You're so hip-hop."  "Oh but they wouldn't get it tho, cuz they aren't real hip-hop heads like me and you."  What??? What are you talking about?

He and I had met on a plane and we had talked briefly about Kanye West's new album.  It seemed like he had researched Kanye and hip-hop, in general and we would talk about nothing else for the night. Through the evening, I learned that hip-hop must somehow affect people in every way of life. And I learned that this guys one true passion in life was party promoting. He had done it a little in college and he was sort of a celebrity in his city.  I also learned that he has money.  I am sure that he is a nice guy, but I wouldn't know.  Because, all I got was this fabricated representation of what he thought cool was and a bunch of lame stories about how cool and wealthy he was.  Nothing there was genuine.

I hadn't planned on drinking.  I don't normally drink on dates, but it was necessary. He wanted to hit a bar after dinner, so I put a firm deadline on the time I needed to leave and we had a drink.  I ordered a Jameson neat and he informed me that he only drinks fruity drinks.  No biggie.  So, he ordered a mojito. We sat and talked for a bit.  Then, we had our first real discussion.  It was actually more of an argument, but the discourse was civil.  He spent the next 30 minutes trying to convince me that Scarface and Menace II Society were really great movies.  I could only give him quotable.  They are really quotable movies. But I couldn't agree that they were great cinema.  Then he said it ... Do you like Tyler Perry? Here we go.  This is the point when I stop arguing with someone about movies.  Once I find out someone likes Tyler Perry movies, I realize there is a fundamental difference in the very foundation that makes us who we are.  There is no arguing it.  We are just very different people.

After the Tyler Perry realization, he excused himself to the bar a few feet away.  I overheard him ask for a wine-cooler.  Oh lord.  Do they even make wine-coolers anymore?  The bartender had the same response.  So, he proceeded to be rude and act like they had a small selection (even though they are a full bar with about 50 different tequilas alone) because they didn't carry the choice alcoholic beverage of underage drinkers and 40 something women in 1989.   I was done.

He drove me home and I assumed the good-bye would be short and sweet.  He had already accused me of "clowning" him at the bar. And I had been one degree above ice cold since we left the bar.  So, he pulled up to my house and I told him to call if he got lost.  Then, as if in an effort to add more discomfort, he asked for a hug.  I leaned over to hug him and as if we had been on two different dates, as if we had lived in two different worlds, he tried to kiss me. No. Why? I pulled away and thanked him for the dinner, then I made my way inside.

The next day, I felt bad for being so cold.  He wasn't the guy for me, but I somehow felt like I could have been nicer.  I had just felt like I had to be stoic so he would get the idea.  Then, as I walked to class, I got a text.  He had a great time and wanted to see me again.  Then another text, "In the meantime, why don't you send me a sexy pic of yourself." Ope. There it was.  I didn't feel bad anymore. The text came across like a reprieve.  They might as well have said, "Oh, you shouldn't feel bad.  I am totally oblivious."  I just imagined him sending the text from a folding chair in the basement where he keeps his stock pile of Seagrams Berry Mist, circa 1990.  I didn't respond.  All's well that ends ... well?

Did You Miss Me?

Hey kids, I'm back.  I know it's been a while, but I have missed writing ... and dating, for that matter.  There hasn't been a whole lot going on.  When I am in school I am a very busy woman.  I am currently in the midst of shooting, developing and printing for a show that is supposed to go up tomorrow.  Life is wonderful, but hectic.  Dating and men are the last things I think about at times like this.  I even find them a little irritating, to be honest.

I have been talking to this guy in Houston.  The one I met right before I left.  You remember him ... I have been calling him The Maybe Boyfriend.  I am still not sure where that will go.  We've been texting and talking on the phone a lot and I like him.  I am just not sure how that will pan out when I get back to Houston. I have this strong fear that he will want more than I can give, but now isn't the time to think about that.  I am too busy to be able to imagine ever not being this busy.  I get a little tinge of guilt when I look at my phone after hours of working and see that he texted twice.  By the time I get a chance to respond, I am laying down to go to sleep. Exhausted and romantic just don't mix.

Marlon was supposed to come visit tonight, but I texted him last night and told him it wasn't a good time. I'm just too busy. I never thought I could be too busy for amazing sex.  Turns out, I can be. And I am. My friends and I have dubbed Marlon Magic Dick.  And even though he rightfully earns that name, I just don't have time to enjoy his talents right now. Maybe next weekend. That's actually what he said in his response.  He was understanding.  There was no emotion.  No "Aaaww" to preamble an "I guess I understand. You're busy." There were no imaginary puppy-dog eyes.  No sighs audible across the cellular waves.  Just a "That's fine. No stress. Maybe next weekend?" This is why Marlon is great.  He is very open, honest and affectionate without being clingy or overbearing.

The Maybe Boyfriend is proving to be promising in this category as well.  But, as I said, it's too soon to tell.  Yesterday, I told him I was sorry I hadn't had any time for him and that I felt bad. He sent me a text this morning that said this: 5:10am - "So, I'm finally going to bed, I guess I'm still up cuz I am used to talking to you late nights.  but, its been a busy week for both of us and it's been hard for us to talk on the phone. :( It's okay though.  I wouldn't try to interfere in anything you do for school or for fun.  I just can't wait till you come back to Houston."  I thought it was sweet.  It showed me I am missed, without making me feel like I am somehow hurting him by being busy.

The text was a nice reminder that he's worth getting to know.  I have a pretty good bullshit radar.  The trouble is, I get all flirty too fast.  I text and get all excited about the new.  Then, I realize that The New has gotten prematurely attached and is starting to get passive aggressive.  I had an experience like that recently.  I thought it was a pretty clear break.  I had many reasons for not wanting to talk to him anymore, but I wrapped it up nicely in the fact that he had a girlfriend that lived in Wyoming. I don't care how far away she is, the fact that she existed was enough for me.  Dude seemed unhappy, but unwilling to do things to change his current state. He reminded me of my ex in that way.  So, the fact that he wanted to start talking to me ... wanted me to make his life interesting again ... yet wanted to stay with his ex, was a clear indication that he doesn't have the reigns of his life.  He even made the comment that he was just an innocent observer in his life. Wrong! That did it for me.  I abruptly cut the cord on what had been no more than two days of texting.  I told him I wouldn't talk to him and then, I started getting the texts.

I got back to school and got busy and then I got the first one. "Guess you're too busy for me." First off, if you are thinking this, that should be your first sign to not send the text.  People always make time to at least say hello if they like you.  If I had been interested, I would have said "Hey, I am so sorry. I've been busy, but I want to talk to you soon." Negative.  The texts continued on in this fashion.  A series of hellos followed by "Well, sorry to have bothered you."  The straw that broke the camel's back was a text just this past week.  I was on Twitter and I guess he saw.  He sent me a "?"  I responded "Yes?" Then he asked why I was up so late.  I told him I'm always up all night and he said "Oh. I guess you only go to sleep when I text you." Boo. Go sit down, sir. I don't have time for you. It's that simple. If you were solid and had anything to tell me other than the ways you are unhappy, then maybe.  But telling me that you are jealous of the men in my blog and that you are unhappy in your relationship is not worth me taking the time to text you back.

This may sound harsh, but it's how most people feel.  Most healthy people don't want to feel like they are the only good thing in someone's life.  People have passions.  They have jobs and hobbies and they get busy.  So, I want to spend my time and energy on someone that is happy.  I want to be able to dive into my work and know that the person I am dating can hold their own and still be happy.  What I don't want is someone that makes me feel responsible for their bad moods.  And I hope I can offer a level of enthusiasm and good energy to my friends and lovers without ever seeming clingy.

The Maybe Boyfriend is in a very preliminary place, but he seems to be a good mix of the things I want in this area.  He's attentive, but not suffocating.  We'll see how that pans out.  In 18 days, we will be taking a mini-vacation together and I will get a better feel for everything. And by that, I mean we will finally be having sex. Thank the heavens.  It's been a while!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Reminders

I've spent the past month or so working to forget Marlon. Of all the men I have dated and written about, Marlon is the one that complicated everything.  So, I chose to forget him, because preparing myself and knowing we had an expiration date wasn't working.  It's funny how that works ... you can tell yourself one thing all day long, but the details start to pile up and they cloud the reality that still exists in the foggy background.  My exit sits looming like the plane in the last scene of Casablanca.  I know I have to go.  There will be a point when I will say goodbye to Marlon for good. I've said it over and over again.  I've known this fact from day one.  Yet, when I typed it just now, my stomach turned.

There are two realities.  Probably more, but we'll just go with two for now.  I am leaving.  I met a guy in a transient period in my life.  I told myself it was temporary and that I wouldn't get attached.  I dated and slept with other men and I went on with my life.  That's where I live most of the time.  But, like an addict, even when I'm not using, he comes in flashes in my mind.  It's like an alarm clock that I don't set.  It just randomly goes off.  But it works in reverse.  It sucks me out of my reality and into the dream, into the memory of very real things that happened in the past, but won't be again.

But still, the flashes come.  Glimpses of his touch, his kiss.  A faint memory of standing in my hallway laughing and kissing him.  Vivid memories of him inside me, making love all night.  It was never just sex with him.  There was always something more.  That's why it's hanging on to me.  Great sex with a connection settles in your bones.  It almost becomes a part of you.

I debate seeing him again.  We've talked about it like it's going to happen, but I don't know what to do.  There are so many real reasons not to.  I've met someone.  Someone I really like.  Someone that I believe, with time, will overpower the memories of Marlon.  Someone I can see myself dropping walls and being with.  I haven't met anyone that I wanted that with, not even Marlon.  I am, as always, highly conflicted.

Even though I knew I would never be in a relationship with Marlon, when I'm with him, everything else goes away.  He is like a drug.  And when he leaves, it's like coming down.  It's painful and if I see him again and I know I'm saying goodbye for the last time, it will hurt too bad.  Not to mention, I am in the weird beginning stages with someone else.  I wish I could have had all this sorted out before I met The Maybe Boyfriend, but you can't plan things like this.  I thought I was just dating.  Turns out I'm making real decision and dealing with real feelings, including, but not limited to, my own.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Long Distance

My last relationship would never have made it.  I honestly feel like nothing could have changed our fate.  We just weren't meant to be.  But, I don't think it helped that, after three years together, he moved out of Houston.  Having a long-distance relationship was tough.  It wasn't just the distance, but the distance after having him so close for so long. We played like we were going to make it work for another two years, then I moved to another state.  If putting 200 miles between us couldn't kill us, putting 1,000 between us could and did do the job.  Like I said, it was doomed before we started clocking mileage to see each other.  But, I swore I would never have another long-distance relationship.

I swore off long-distance relationships long before I swore off relationships.  After my ex and I broke up, after I took some time, I thought I would start dating again and I had hopes that I would meet someone.  After the dating started, I realized I wasn't as easy to please as I had been in my younger days. Yet, I was easier to please.  And, I was doing a fine job of pleasing myself.  So, dating became something else for me.  It became an accessory in a wonderful life.  It was no longer a crutch.  It was no longer me and my broken heart trying to scrape and claw my way to the surface for air.  It was just something fun that made a wonderful life even more fulfilling and a little more complicated.  But, nothing's fun if it's easy. I've always been a girl that loved a healthy challenge.

However, long-distance relationships haven't been a challenge I have enjoyed.  Good thing this isn't a relationship.  I don't really know what this is.  But I met someone. And he's far away.  Talk about writer's block.  The distance between me and this guy is nothing compared to the distance my feelings for him have created between me and this blog.  I have sat down numerous times to write.  I have thought about writing about crushes.  I have thought about writing about a lot of things, but I don't know what to say.  This blog is like the relationship that just isn't working.  It's just run its course. It's become my new long-distance relationship.  I'm not saying it's over.  Things like this go in phases and I am the last person to jump the gun and jump out of a relationship before it's time.

That having been said, I am not serial dating, at the moment.  I am definitely not anyone's girlfriend.  But, I'm also not seeing multiple people.  Let's face it, it got pretty real there for a bit.  And I'm a woman, not a machine.  I have to give myself props for pulling the juggling act that I pulled for as long as I did.  I needed a breather.  I took one.  Then, while I was in Houston this last time, I jumped back in.  I lined up a week-long dating spree.  One guy for every day.  Trouble is, three dates into what looked like a fresh start, I met him.  Then, I cancelled all my other plans and he became dates four and five as well.

We ate sushi, we went to the movies, we had coffee.  We didn't jump straight into bed.  We didn't even kiss.  I have talked to him every day for just under a month, and I wonder every day what it's like to kiss him.  I wonder what his touch feels like.  But, for now, it remains a fantasy.  I had forgotten what it was like to long for someone.

All of the dating was amazing.  It was wonderful, but everything has it's place and time.  I didn't force anything.  I didn't push myself or anyone else into anything.  When I told men that I didn't want anything from them but sex and/or friendship, I meant it.  I wasn't ready.  And, I don't know if I am ready now, so I am taking things really slowly.  So, for now, I am spending my days taking photos, writing essays, dancing and talking to this one guy that lives really far away.

(Of course, I'm masturbating.  I just didn't want to mess up the flow of that sweet and innocent sentence at the end.)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Me Time

I live in a dorm.  For the past three years, I have shared a house with 90 young women ranging from 18 - 23 years old.  There have been a few 'older' women peppered throughout the house over the years, but for the most part, my housemates are young, loud, needy and always down to hang out.  I don't mean needy in a bad way, but let's face it, that age is an emotional time for all people. So, I have grown to be a house mother of sorts.

Now, I see why 30 year olds are not mothers to ninety 20 year olds. It doesn't work. I made it work for a while, but I am excited to get out and have my freedom again. When I haven't been in the dorm, I go home and enjoy the luxury of sleeping on either my mother's couch or my best friend's couch.  Before I came up here to go to school, I moved in with my ex in a last ditch effort to save our failing/failed relationship.  So, for a total of 4 years, I have shared my space.

Generally, I just power through it.  I go on dates, I study, I write, I take photos and I create space for myself where I can.  But, I am at a breaking point.  I need to graduate.  I need my own space.  I need to be an adult again.  I need to masturbate without worrying if the 19 year old in the next room can hear my vibrator. These paper-thin walls are closing in on me and, if I don't lay down on the living room floor of my own place with a bottle of Jameson, a joint and a vibrator pretty soon, I am going to implode.  I am tired of quietly making love to myself.  I feel like my own fucking mistress.  I need to fuck myself.  Loudly and with freedom.

Sometimes it's fun with a partner.  The idea of staying quiet, because we're having sex in my dorm room can be fun, but it's been a good two months since I've had a visitor here and between knocks on the door and the coughing of my neighbor, it's hard to focus on myself long enough to get off.  I am tempted to make a sign that says "Do Not Disturb, Masturbating."  This means, don't knock, don't call my room, don't sneeze, don't stand outside my door talking about the fucking bunny you are hiding in your room. Go away and let me handle my business. I am not trying to be knuckle deep and listening you talk about the argument you just had with your mom's boyfriend.  I need my space.

So, every night when I go to sleep, I close my eyes and remember why I'm doing this. I came back to school to be a better me.  I came back to gain the confidence I knew I had dormant in me.  I close my eyes and I picture when brochure the gave me at the beginning of my senior year, "Life After Smith College."  I can't wait. I'm done.  This is why life works in cycles and phases.  I was thrilled to be here when I got here.  Smith built me up to be the woman I am, and now, I am ready to move on.  If for no other reason, so I can be tied to my headboard while some nice gentleman knocks one out of the park as loudly as possible.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Predicament

I haven't written in a while, because I really wasn't sure what to say. I have been talking to this guy.  I met him right before I left Houston and I am not sure where it's going, but we have been talking a whole lot about the future and while I have mentioned my fear of commitment, it doesn't seem to be stopping either of us from making plans.

I had a lapse in judgment and made plans to meet my ex for drinks.  In a spark of memory and common sense, I cancelled.  So, as I sat at my parents' house avoiding a huge mistake and bored out of my mine, I decided to reactivate my OkCupid account. This guy was the only person I messaged. He messaged back immediately and we texted all night. We texted for two days, then we decided to have dinner. We met for sushi ... well ... First, we went to two different sushi restaurants.  But, once we figured all that out, we met for sushi and it was great. We laughed and had a great time.  We stayed for close to four hours and shut down the restaurant.  Then, he hugged me and I was on my way.  He was a perfect gentleman.  I didn't really know how to deal with that.

As I drove home, I wondered ... Did he like me?  He texted me to call him when I made it home safe, so he wouldn't worry.  I did. The next morning, he texted, Good morning.  We exchanged a few texts and I asked him what he was doing for the rest of the day. His answer was, Hanging out with you??? I have to admit I was pretty thrilled. This meant he did like me.  So, we went to see Black Swan and then we went to Starbucks to talk.  Again, we talked for a while and then we parted ways.  Again, he hugged me goodbye, and I haven't seen him (in person) since.

We met just a few days before I left Houston and I have been out with him all of twice and I've known him all of two weeks. So, all we are doing is flirting via text, Facebook and video chat.  We both wanted to take whatever this is slowly.  So, it was kind of perfect that we had no other choice, because I was going to be over a thousand miles away.  We went out two days in a row and then I caught a plane back to New England.  I haven't seen anyone or slept with anyone since. Granted it's only been two weeks, but considering I hadn't been with anyone for about two weeks before I met him, this is the longest I've gone without sex in a long time.

So, here we are in that strange place.  We will probably try our hand at monogamy one day.  The signs all point to possible future boyfriend.  But, I don't want to rush it.  I definitely won't force it and I am very scared of the idea of it.  I took time.  I wanted to better myself.  I wanted to have lots of great sex.  And I did that. But I don't know if I'm ready to stop.  I was really into the dating at the beginning of summer.  I remember it.  I was like a kid in a candy shop.  But, over the past few months, my excitement has tapered off.  Yeah sex is great.  I really like it.  But the truth was, I found my few really great sex partners and I stuck with them.  I had a few great one-timers, but their personalities made them impossible to revisit.

So, I'm now in an interesting place.  I am currently talking to the new guy in Houston.  (We'll call him The Maybe Boyfriend.) But, I am also texting a guy I still haven't met that lives in Hartford.  You might remember him, The Stranger.   Yeah.  That guy still exists.  He was very clear that he was not looking for a relationship at all, so he is still a possibility for a last roll in the hay with a ... well, a stranger.

Then, there's the real trouble. Marlon is still in the picture.  He's another one that I was never going to have a relationship with.  But, we knew where we stood with each other.  We care about each other and we enjoy being together. The thought of never seeing him again is unbearable at this point.  It's one of those things you would rather just happen.  Maybe he'll just fade out of my mind.  Of course, neither of us are going to let it happen that way.  We text each other every other day and I am positive that he and I will have at least one more meeting before I pack up and leave New England forever.  My only worry is, will I be able to let him go forever?  If I start a relationship with The Maybe Boyfriend, I will have to say goodbye to Marlon and recount him only in my memories. The thought of it makes me sick, but staying alone for the possibility of seeing Marlon once a year and having random sex the rest of the time isn't a possibility.  This is obviously not going to happen.

So, if the moment comes when I meet someone, I will go with the flow.  And if I should stay single and keep going the way I have, that's not a shabby fate either.  In a few months, I will either go home to Houston and keep dating, or I will go home to Houston and start building something with The Maybe Boyfriend.  Either way, on May 15th, I will say goodbye to New England and to Marlon.  And, on that day, I will be very sad, but I will not be broken hearted.  Who knew that even when you set out to date with a goal of no relationships or monogamy, you could still fall face first into romance?  Marlon and I were never going to offer each other anything more than sex, friendship and honesty. And we never pretended it would be more. With Marlon, I had my first honest romantic relationship.  Who knew what the truth could do for a person?  I guess the healthy relationships leave you a better person. That's just what Marlon did for me.  And though it will sadden me, I think I am ready to move on.

About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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