Sunday, February 20, 2011

Did You Miss Me?

Hey kids, I'm back.  I know it's been a while, but I have missed writing ... and dating, for that matter.  There hasn't been a whole lot going on.  When I am in school I am a very busy woman.  I am currently in the midst of shooting, developing and printing for a show that is supposed to go up tomorrow.  Life is wonderful, but hectic.  Dating and men are the last things I think about at times like this.  I even find them a little irritating, to be honest.

I have been talking to this guy in Houston.  The one I met right before I left.  You remember him ... I have been calling him The Maybe Boyfriend.  I am still not sure where that will go.  We've been texting and talking on the phone a lot and I like him.  I am just not sure how that will pan out when I get back to Houston. I have this strong fear that he will want more than I can give, but now isn't the time to think about that.  I am too busy to be able to imagine ever not being this busy.  I get a little tinge of guilt when I look at my phone after hours of working and see that he texted twice.  By the time I get a chance to respond, I am laying down to go to sleep. Exhausted and romantic just don't mix.

Marlon was supposed to come visit tonight, but I texted him last night and told him it wasn't a good time. I'm just too busy. I never thought I could be too busy for amazing sex.  Turns out, I can be. And I am. My friends and I have dubbed Marlon Magic Dick.  And even though he rightfully earns that name, I just don't have time to enjoy his talents right now. Maybe next weekend. That's actually what he said in his response.  He was understanding.  There was no emotion.  No "Aaaww" to preamble an "I guess I understand. You're busy." There were no imaginary puppy-dog eyes.  No sighs audible across the cellular waves.  Just a "That's fine. No stress. Maybe next weekend?" This is why Marlon is great.  He is very open, honest and affectionate without being clingy or overbearing.

The Maybe Boyfriend is proving to be promising in this category as well.  But, as I said, it's too soon to tell.  Yesterday, I told him I was sorry I hadn't had any time for him and that I felt bad. He sent me a text this morning that said this: 5:10am - "So, I'm finally going to bed, I guess I'm still up cuz I am used to talking to you late nights.  but, its been a busy week for both of us and it's been hard for us to talk on the phone. :( It's okay though.  I wouldn't try to interfere in anything you do for school or for fun.  I just can't wait till you come back to Houston."  I thought it was sweet.  It showed me I am missed, without making me feel like I am somehow hurting him by being busy.

The text was a nice reminder that he's worth getting to know.  I have a pretty good bullshit radar.  The trouble is, I get all flirty too fast.  I text and get all excited about the new.  Then, I realize that The New has gotten prematurely attached and is starting to get passive aggressive.  I had an experience like that recently.  I thought it was a pretty clear break.  I had many reasons for not wanting to talk to him anymore, but I wrapped it up nicely in the fact that he had a girlfriend that lived in Wyoming. I don't care how far away she is, the fact that she existed was enough for me.  Dude seemed unhappy, but unwilling to do things to change his current state. He reminded me of my ex in that way.  So, the fact that he wanted to start talking to me ... wanted me to make his life interesting again ... yet wanted to stay with his ex, was a clear indication that he doesn't have the reigns of his life.  He even made the comment that he was just an innocent observer in his life. Wrong! That did it for me.  I abruptly cut the cord on what had been no more than two days of texting.  I told him I wouldn't talk to him and then, I started getting the texts.

I got back to school and got busy and then I got the first one. "Guess you're too busy for me." First off, if you are thinking this, that should be your first sign to not send the text.  People always make time to at least say hello if they like you.  If I had been interested, I would have said "Hey, I am so sorry. I've been busy, but I want to talk to you soon." Negative.  The texts continued on in this fashion.  A series of hellos followed by "Well, sorry to have bothered you."  The straw that broke the camel's back was a text just this past week.  I was on Twitter and I guess he saw.  He sent me a "?"  I responded "Yes?" Then he asked why I was up so late.  I told him I'm always up all night and he said "Oh. I guess you only go to sleep when I text you." Boo. Go sit down, sir. I don't have time for you. It's that simple. If you were solid and had anything to tell me other than the ways you are unhappy, then maybe.  But telling me that you are jealous of the men in my blog and that you are unhappy in your relationship is not worth me taking the time to text you back.

This may sound harsh, but it's how most people feel.  Most healthy people don't want to feel like they are the only good thing in someone's life.  People have passions.  They have jobs and hobbies and they get busy.  So, I want to spend my time and energy on someone that is happy.  I want to be able to dive into my work and know that the person I am dating can hold their own and still be happy.  What I don't want is someone that makes me feel responsible for their bad moods.  And I hope I can offer a level of enthusiasm and good energy to my friends and lovers without ever seeming clingy.

The Maybe Boyfriend is in a very preliminary place, but he seems to be a good mix of the things I want in this area.  He's attentive, but not suffocating.  We'll see how that pans out.  In 18 days, we will be taking a mini-vacation together and I will get a better feel for everything. And by that, I mean we will finally be having sex. Thank the heavens.  It's been a while!

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.