Tuesday, November 30, 2010

This Is What I Meant

So, this guy hit me up on a dating site and I decided I had to share.
This is his profile: I considered not including his name, but it was necessary.  And I don't think it's his real name.

This was his message to me:
"Hello
how was your day?
Anything new and exciting happen?
I am wrAPPING UP THIS ..OOPPS!( cAPs)
I am in school finishing up on some projects for a grade.
I did many and I hope I passed.
I am taking up photoshop and audio video in school
My biggest problem was finding and saving my work
I make my teacher laugh
but he has been helpful in showing me more and new things
when I master those skills
if you are interested
I can send you what I created.
What do you do and what do you like doing as your passion in life?
Myself, once I get rolling on it would be to create new ideas and share them as well
how has the dating been going for you
for me, not so good."


This was my response:


"I think I know why its not going so well for you ... 
Here's the list: 

1. You say your profession is an escort. Are you looking for women to pay you? Not going to happen.

2. You have no picture on your profile. 

3. I think you meant cunnilingus, not cunnilitis. Cunnilitis sounds like a swollen vagina. 

4. Your profile says you drink more than 3 times a week and that you do drugs more than 3 times a week. 

5. You are separated, which means you are technically still married to someone. 

6. You were trained by a "masseuse" not a "Masseause." And why were you trained by a professional, but you aren't one. Imma need you to become a therapist and not just be trained by one. 

7. And why did you just send me a message about your whole day? You should have probably just asked how I was doing and built up to that ... if I asked, which I wouldn't have, because you have no pic and my profile clearly says I don't talk to guys with no pic. Obviously you didn't read my profile. Unfortunately, I read yours. 

You might be a very nice person, but your profile is booty and not in the good way." 
___________________________________________________________

I know ... it's harsh and stuck up as shit, but if no one ever levels with him, he'll never learn. I am sure he will respond and curse me out.  I'll let you guys know what happens. 


Monday, November 29, 2010

Online Dating Is Killing My Soul

It started off so good.  I met The Beautiful One online. I had a summer full of fun dates.  They were a combination of friends of friends, Facebook hook ups (remember, Lewis was a Facebook hook up turned summer romance) and choice candidates from online dating sites.  It was like a magical blend of eligible men.  But lately, I have had to resort to dating solely online.  This isn't good.

In the beginning, it was beautiful.  I would get dressed up and go out with men.  We would go out to eat or just go chill.  The conversation was good.  The sex was good and wholesome.  I got on a bus and rode into downtown to meet The Beautiful One and it was great.  It could have been seedy or strange, but it wasn't.  He was a gentleman.  He was polite and he was gorgeous.  The sex was wonderful and the perfect combination of hot and gentle.  He even took me to the airport when I left to come up here.  He was just one (the best) of many good experiences.  

I experienced some lulls.  Nothing big, just no good candidates.  In this time, I would just chill with the guys I had already formed relationships with.  It was pretty good, even when it was bad.  Even since I have gotten up here, I have had some good dates and good experiences.  I have made a really good friend and I have had some good sex.  But, in the past two weeks, I have had some shifts in luck and things went terribly wrong somewhere.  

There was the whole spit in the mouth request thing.  I'm still not ready to talk about that. Then, this past weekend, a man came all the way from Boston (a 2 hour drive) to explain that he was prone to worrying ... oh and he was possibly going to lose his job for blowing off work to come out.  Then he decided he should just go back home, after staring at me for long periods at a time without saying anything.  And by "me," I mean my breasts.  Dude was nice enough on the phone and on chat and he was cute.  Very cute, actually.  But dude was creepy.  He paced in my room for about 20 minutes while deciding if he was going to drive back to Boston and save his job or stay and creep me out for the weekend.  It might have gotten better if he had been here longer, but I was glad he just decided to head out.  His 3 hour visit was long enough.  I explained the rest of the weekend to you guys already.  

I'm just not having the best luck on the dating scene.  So, as I have told you already, I am going to step back and evaluate my situation.  In my first two years here, I didn't date.  The only time I had sex was when I went home and had unhealthy hook-ups with my ex.  But for months at a time, I was solo and I was just fine with it.  I would say that since I have been going out up here, I am a bit calmer.  It's easier to roll with the punches when you are getting laid regularly, but it's not worth the strange mishaps.  

The trouble with online dating is, you pick men based off of what they want to portray to you.  If a guy is socially awkward, he's not going to put that.  He's going to put up pics of him doing cool shit and say that he is "the nicest, most laid back guy you will meet."  Online dating is all about self promotion.  A guy isn't going to put that he wants you to spit in his mouth, he'll put that he is concerned with the environment and loves puppies.  No one tells you on a dating site that if they are 20 minutes late on their meds, they might pace in your room for an hour.  They check mixed race, because they are a mix of French and Dutch on their mama's side and Irish on their dad's side.  They say they are 5'11" and show up at a striking 5'6".  You have to trust total strangers and sometimes, they lead you astray. 

So, you miss out on the flirtation that makes you forget that a dude is an inch shorter than you.  You pay attention to numbers on a sidebar, carefully selected photos and a list of attributes that only a dude's mom would see in him.  Like I said, some of the guys are great.  But, for the most part, you are just blindly clicking photos, that end up not looking like the guy at all.  Then you end up sitting through a movie with a guy you have no interest in and hoping that he doesn't ask you to dinner after.  Or, in extreme cases you end up completely sober, with a dude on your floor that got too drunk to drive home.  I'm not proud to say it, but I even had sex with this guy that was so bland it was like masturbating with a human.  

So, online dating isn't cutting it anymore.  I need real adult outings with real human beings.  I need to be out with real friends in an environment I know.  I need the comfort of running into people that I have known for years and the safety net of having people to call if I get in a pinch.  My options are so limited here, I am casting too wide of a net.  So, I am drawing the net in.  My friends can hold me to this.  The Serial Dater will be dating a lot less.  That is until late December when I fly back to my Mecca.  That's right folks.  I am going back to Houston.  With all good fortune, The Beautiful One will pick me from the same airport he dropped me at three months ago.  I'm sure I will chill with Lewis (no sex, we're just friends now), but even if I only see the two of them, my heart, mind and body will be happy.  


Sunday, November 28, 2010

Discipline

Discipline means more to me now than it ever has.  I go to the gym, regularly.  I eat better than I ever have.  I don't drink often and when I do, I do it in moderation ('cept that one recent occurrence ... apologies to The Good Date.)  I have my priorities and goals and I have created a lifestyle that hopes to lead me to those goals.

The one area of my life in which I have lost all grasps on discipline is my sex life.  In the past couple of months, I have indulged when, where and with whomever I chose.  I have fulfilled fantasies for myself and for my partners.  I have had amazing sex.  I have had good sex.  I have had mediocre sex.  I have had bad sex.  I have had sex that made me feel great and sex that left me confused.

The summer was different.  I had a few partners and I saw them over and over again.  I didn't bounce nearly as much as I do now.  I haven't had sex with even close to all of the people with which I went on dates.  But, since getting back to New England, I have gone on dates with almost 20 men. Yeah ... I've been doing some dating.  Like I said, I haven't knocked it outta the park with many of them.  However, there have been more than were worth it.

I had the great and okay experiences that I chose to write about.  And I have had some not so great experiences.  Some I didn't even choose to write about or explore with you guys.  There was the situation with the guy that drove all the way from Boston, just to sleep for three hours, wake up, pace in my room for another 30 minutes, then tell me he was going to lose his job if he stayed.  He said he had been written up the week before and had to go.  I was not sorry to see him leave.  The whole experience was odd, odd, odd.  I did not have sex of any sort or kiss this guy.

I have been talking to and twice chilled with a guy that goes to a neighboring college.  He's close to my age and cute.  He's a smart guy and we joke and flirt well.  I did have sex with this guy.  We were half asleep and it was probably not his best showing, as he was tired.  But he's cute and he has a comfortable and attractive body.  His personality is warm and I enjoy his company.  We might get to give it another try in the sack.  We'll see.

Other than that, I have just had some duds.  My sexual exploration can really only be met and fulfilled with partners that are willing to put in work.  Marlon, The Player and The Powerful One were all good partners.  Then I have situations like I had last night.  The situation last night was really different.  I went on a date with a guy that was very sweet, however, he was not my type at all.  I have a big personality and this guy did not.  He was shy and quiet.  Sparking conversation was difficult at best.  And yet, I decided that I wanted to have sex with him.

I had some drinks in me.  This is never a good idea.  I have mentioned before that I hate drunk sex.  Sex is supposed to be fun and active.  When drunk, it defeats itself.  So, that is what I got last night.  I got drunk sex with a guy that didn't peak my interest at all.  When I woke this morning and ushered him out of my bed, I decided that it is most definitely time to pump the brakes.  I will be withdrawing some troops asap.  I am only keeping 3 currents.  I won't be texting, or seeing or sleeping with anyone else.

I will keep talking to the guy from the nearby school (he might eventually earn a title.)  I will keep talking to The Good Dater, because he has become a sort of a staple in my life now.  And, I will consider seeing Marlon again.  I am very doubtful that will happen, but again, we'll see.  I liked him a lot, but I am fickle and I don't see that we will be seeing each other again soon, so I foresee losing my interest quickly.  We are both dating other people and anything we shared was surface, so I am sure it will not be able to withstand what time and distance do to interest.

So, my sex life is about to join my eating habits and workout routines.  It is about to become a disciplined part of my life.  I want to grow sexually and I want to enjoy my body.  In order to do that, I need to create greater boundaries.  I will still give in to my urges, but I won't have sex like I did last night.  I don't even know what I was going for, but I know it wasn't in a healthy place.  I didn't have sex for love or strong sexual urges.  And, since no other needs can be met through sex, I need to take a step back and make sure that the loneliness of these cold New England winters doesn't lead me to a place where I am having sex to fulfill things that sex can't fulfill.  This has been a self-check kinda day.  Now, it's time to move forward.

Sex With Your Boyfriend ...

... I'm not trying to have it.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Mixed Messages

So, as you all know, The Repeat Offender will repeat no longer.  He is out of the picture.  He didn't have the same level of interest in me that I had in him.  Even though I don't want a relationship, I do still have certain expectations of the men I am seeing/dating/sleeping with/hanging out with.  Maybe its a double standard of sorts.

Sometimes I feel like an asshole, because I can't offer anything traditional to men, yet I have these unconventional wants.  I want them to be attentive and kind, without the security that a relationship can offer.  If they say they are going to visit, I want them to follow through.  If they say they want to see me again, I want them to do more than just text me for the next three weeks.  It's not really asking that much.  I don't want to be used for sex.  I want to do other things than just sleep together.  I don't have sex with men that I don't like.  So, I want to spend time with the men I am sleeping with.  If they choose to hang out with me, I don't want them to text ahead of time and ask "are we going to have sex?"  I need them to take their chances and I need them to hang out with me because they want to.  Not because they want to have sex and go home.  I have no place for empty sex.

And yet, I want sex with multiple partners.  I am not ready to settle down with just one man or only have one partner.  But, I catch feelings and I get salty.  On one hand I am like the perks of a girlfriend without having to be monogamous. On the other hand, I require attention without the security of a relationship.  There are ups and downs to all things and I offer a mixed bag of goodies and downfalls.  You would think that the freedom to see whomever you choose and still be able to spend time with me would be a good thing.  I am, frequently, the only woman the men I'm seeing are totally honest with.  They can tell me that they are seeing other people.  I don't want the details, but I do appreciate knowing the truth.  I don't expect anyone to stop seeing other people just because we have started talking.

That having been said, I am amazed at the number of men that expect that from me.  The Repeat Offender was one of them.  After we had established that I had more interest in him than he in me, we somehow found ourselves talking about sexual partners.  He, knowing that I am as honest as possible with men, asked how many men I had been with since the first time he and I had had sex.  I took a moment and he asked me if I was thinking of a safe answer.  I replied simply, "No, I'm counting."

He was not too happy with my answer.  Seems that even though he wasn't really interested in me and definitely didn't want a relationship with me, I was supposed to want one from him.  And even though he would go for days without responding to me, I should have been pining away for him, sitting by the phone, patiently.  Todd felt the same way.  He felt that even though he wasn't expressing any feelings for me, I should have been overflowing with feelings for him.  So, The Repeat Offender didn't like my answer.  His ego took over and he wanted to know who was the best.  The truth was, Marlon was the best.  Hands down.  And The Powerful One would have been second, but there were no feelings involved there.  So, I answered his question truthfully and just as he had shared news that didn't feel too great to me, I shared news that wasn't great for him.

On a side note, The Train Guy ... remember him? ... He texted me today asking if I was still his, or if I was stepping out on him.  What the hell?  After I put it on him on the train from Chicago to Houston, he came to visit me in Houston and we had some of the most amazing sex I have ever had.  We traveled across the country together by chance.  It was so romantic, then I found out he had a girlfriend and thus started the blog and the summer/fall of amazing sex.  I have spent the last 15 years choking on double standards and now, in response, I have created my own.

The question is, with all of these expectations, limitations, mixed messages and double standards, when does anyone find the room or time to just be happy?

Curtains

And another one down ... That's right, folks.  The Repeat Offender is taking his bow and exiting.  I know I don't really write enough about some of these guys.  This was the one that thoroughly confused me.  He was inconsistent with his language and what he was looking for.  He was very affectionate when we were together, very sweet, then he would go for days or a week without returning a call or text.

So, gradually his inconsistency became his consistency and I figured out that he was using me as an escape.  I was a way to get away from his real life.  He spent the night the first time we met, but we didn't have sex.  Then we had sex the next time we chilled and I didn't hear from him for about a week.  Then he would disappear/fall off the radar for another week or so.  The communication became sporadic and I filed him away.  Then, Tuesday night, he hit me up and wanted to come see me.  I let him.

We walked around campus.  Then we came back to my room and drank beer and chilled. One thing led to another and we had sex.  Then we had sex again.  Then we laid and talked until we fell asleep.  It was nice.  The next day we woke up and I got what I have wanted for a long time.  We just stayed in bed.  He didn't get up and rush off.  I haven't necessarily wanted it from him, but I have wanted to spend the day in bed with a man for a long time.  It's been a very long time since I last did that.  I think it was in my last relationship.

I got it from him.  We had sex and joked.  We drifted in and out of sleep.  Then, things got a little more serious.  He made two comments that rubbed me the wrong way and I addressed them.  They weren't huge.  They were just more inconsistency.  His actions didn't line up with each other ... His words didn't line up with other things he's said and his words and actions definitely didn't fit together.  So, we talked about it.  He tried to get me to admit that I wanted a relationship with him.  I did not.  He did, however, get me to admit I liked him.  To which I also answered, "Of course I like you.  You are in my bed and have been in my body."  Why would me liking him even be a question?

After going back and forth and him asking me to share more and more of my feelings without sharing his, we came to a conclusion.  It was a fairly simple conclusion.  Even though I didn't want a relationship with him ... (and I really didn't.)  I had even thought about how I didn't want to be with him while he slept with me the night before.  Just one of those random things your mind latches on to when you are drifting to sleep.  My mind decided to wrap around how you can have fun with someone and not see a future with them.  This is how I felt about him.  He was fun and I liked hugging him, but the sex wasn't as passionate as it was with some of my other lovers.  This was no fault of his, but I have discovered what I want in a sex partner and some of it has nothing to do with form or work the man puts in... Some of it is just in the chemistry.  He and I didn't have it.

Oh right, the simple conclusion ... (I trail off sometimes.)  So, the conclusion was that even though I didn't want a relationship with him, I was willing to put more effort into seeing him than he was with me.  I wanted to get to know him better, while he wanted to escape his real life and have the occasional fling. Right now, I am in a place where I don't want to be someone's escape fling.  I don't want to be their girlfriend, but I at least want back what I put in.  So, I told him this was it.  We went to eat and walked around town a bit.  We held hands and kissed across the table.  It was nice to pretend.

But, I had it settled in my mind that this would be the last time we would see each other.  I shared this with him and asked him to come back up and lay with me when we got back to my place.  I don't think he took me seriously when I said it would be our last time to see each other.  I turned a bit colder to him and he said it was attractive.  Of course it was.  And I think the whole thing about not seeing him again felt like a game to him.  I don't really play games like that.  He's texted twice.  I won't respond.  I meant what I said.  I don't bluff.

So, we spent 24 hours lying in my bed.  I enjoyed my last time with him, with full knowledge of where it was going and what would happen down the road.  It was going nowhere and nothing was going to happen down the road.  It's comforting to know.  It's nice not to wonder if he is going to text or call.  Because, whether he does or doesn't, the outcome will be the same.  I won't respond.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Alone

I didn't really tell any of my friends or family, but I am spending this Thanksgiving Day alone.  I didn't tell many people, because I didn't want to explain why or deal with the looks of sympathy.  The same looks people give for being single come when someone hears that you plan to spend a major family holiday alone.  But, just like being single, this was my choice.  So, I spent Turkey Day 2010 drinking espresso, researching Nikolai Khardzhiev and the Russian Avant-garde and working out.  It's been lovely.

At some point today, my brain decided to embark on a little project.  It filed through the years and replayed some stories of Thanksgivings past.  I suppose the result of the memory lane trip was something that my subconscious has know all along.  The realization in my waking life was an interesting tap on the shoulder.  It wasn't exactly startling enough to be a slap in the face, but subtle enough to be a reminder that I probably needed.

Thanksgiving 2006 - Thanksgiving 2009.  I was 16 when I got into my first relationship.  We spent Thanksgiving and all other holidays splitting our time between two households.  I became a part of his family and he a part of mine.  This was the first in a long line of mergers I would embark upon.  This was the beginning brick in my wall of dual citizenship.  I would spend the next ten (+) years attempting to figure out who I was while trying to simultaneously play a role of the other half of something.

After I broke up with my first boyfriend, I got into a relationship with my second boyfriend.  I took all of two months before I made this transition.  I was with him for a bit over a year.  During that year, we spent Thanksgiving just as I had with my first, pretending to be equal parts of one unit.  He came to Thanksgiving at my parents' place and we acted like he was part of the family.

After I split with that one, I was single for a year.  Somewhere in this year, I decided I would split my romantic life and my family life and I created distance between my loved ones and my current "one."  After about a year, I met Oscar.  Oscar might be the only boy I have ever been in love with.  We didn't spend our only Thanksgiving together.  But, I spent my entire day wondering when he would call and tell me that I could leave my parents' place and pick him up from his mother's house.  So, while he wasn't physically there, my mind was preoccupied by him, all day.  This is how I spent most of my days during the Oscar era.  I really lost myself in this one.  I had no hobbies, no interests.  I was 22 and I was nothing to look back on with pride.

After Oscar and I broke up, I took some time and began to start developing into an interesting person.  I went back to school and created relationships and friendships as a single unit, where before, I had always been part of a unit.  Then, true to my form, I got into another relationship.  This one would be long and I would slowly lose myself again.  I spent every holiday for 6 years with his family.  I stopped even going to my own family gatherings.  There were other factors behind this, but the end result was me stepping out of my single role, out of my role as half of a unit and into my role as best supporting actress as "Blank's Girlfriend."  The older women and men in his family didn't remember my name, so that's even what they called me ... "Where is Blank's Girlfriend?"  "This pie is really good.  Did 'Blank's Girlfriend' make this?"  Luckily, his family was dope, so I got to stay interesting and I grew with them, as well.  Two (official) years out of that relationship, I still visit on holidays and I still talk to everyone in the family.  I will always love them.

2008, I was 28.  This was my first Thanksgiving away from my family or the family of my mate.  I spent it with the family of one of classmates in Jersey.  I had broken away from Houston and all of my exes and I was on my own, sort of.  I would spend this Thanksgiving flirting with my classmate's cousin.  For three nights, we stayed up late, drank whiskey and watched old episodes of That 70's Show.  It was a nice change of pace, but it wasn't quite solo enough.

Last year, I changed it up even more.  I spent most of the day in my room listening to music.  I was overly hyped up.  I found it hard to sit still.  I felt kind of pathetic for being all alone on a family holiday. The latter half of the day was spent with one of my good friends.  We caught a movie and hit up a local bar for their free turkey dinner and some beer.  Other than the bartender and some random loner at the bar, there were no men involved in this day.  It was an interesting moment.  I was far enough out of my relationships, far enough removed, that I didn't miss them.  I missed my own family a bit, but I was happy.

This year takes the fuckin' cake.  I have spent the entire day alone.  I haven't talked to or seen another living soul.  It's been fabulous.  I have spent the entire day doing exactly what I wanted.  So, I decided to take this trip down memory lane, because I had time to do it.   I woke at noon and laid in a still silence.  I put music on and read.  I returned a few "Happy Thanksgiving" texts, then I turned my phone off.  I have been inside my head all day and it's been great.

Sometimes I am lonely.  Today is not one of those days.  Luckily, I had the Ghost of Thanksgivings Past to step in a remind me why making the choice to be alone, while difficult, has been the right choice.

Horoscope

Your Daily Horoscope

The planets are moving you into a new cycle, Libra. Soon you will be in a new "story." You will have to take stock of what you've learned in previous weeks. Who you are is related to the degree of peace you have in your life and whether or not you've been able to resolve some conflicts. Did you learn your lessons well? Without a doubt, you have a gift for calming tense situations.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Dos And Don'ts

It was bound to happen.  I have been on a good number of dates.  I have had amazing experiences.  Some have been mind altering, some just an all out good time.  Some have been sweet and affectionate, while others have left me feeling a bit cold.  They have had their fair share of interesting characters.  Some have left me satisfied.  Some have left me confused.  Others haven't left at all, and instead, continue to make my life better than it was before they were here... eh hem ... Lewis, The Beautiful One, Marlon, and The Good Date.  Actually, I would like to take this moment to give props to The Good Date.  We have become fast friends.  We text all day and talk about life, crack jokes and I confide in him.  He's one of my new favorite people.

Okay, so there are good and bad things that come along with dating.  There are good and bad things to do on a date.  These things vary from person to person.  Different people like different things.  Well, we all know I like to share the things I like and dislike.  This is a compilation of real life occurrences that made me smile, roll my eyes, weak at the knees and sick to my stomach.  Here goes...

The Dos

  1. Compliment me in a sincere, honest manner.  If something strikes you about me, let me know.  I will do the same.
  2. I am a tall woman.  I am physically fit.  I can open a door, but I like to have them opened for me. This doesn't mean I'm not a feminist.  It means I like the extra care a man can give a woman.  If you need a napkin, I will hand you one.  If I get to the door first, I will open it for you.  Just do nice little things for me.  They are small, but they will show that we are considerate and attentive toward each other. 
  3. Attempt to kiss me before you attempt to have sex with me.  It's not exactly baby steps.  And, it's new.  If you are reading this and we have had sex without kissing, that is probably my bad.  I was having some intimacy issues for a while there and I didn't really want to kiss.  That's changed.  I want intimacy.  I want kisses. 
  4. Go down on me.  Whenever, wherever.  If you're feeling it, give it a go.  If we're out to dinner or at the gym, I might say no, but it's worth a try.
  5. Stay the night if we have sex.  If I liked you enough to share my body with you, I like you enough to share my bed with you for the night.  I've only had one man leave after sex in a very very long time, but some guys seem apprehensive about asking to stay the night.  If I don't offer, it just slipped my mind, or I assumed you would.  
  6. Make an attempt.  If we see each other repeatedly, try to make me feel special ... take me out or go out with me, at least.  This was my only complaint about Lewis.  It hurt me that we didn't ever go out.  It made me think (and I still think this today) that he was ashamed of me in some way or just didn't think I was worth the effort. So, just change it up every now and then.  I'm not asking you to spend money.  Let's just do something different. 
The Don'ts
  1. If you do stay the night, don't talk my ear off.  If we are having a good conversation and going in and out of sex and having a nice time, that's natural.  If you are talking about yourself or you feel the urge to convince me that The Illuminati is real.  This is not the time or the place.  There's not really a time or a place, but this is definitely NOT it.  
  2. Don't spend the evening texting other women.  If you do it, do it discreetly.  I don't care if you are dating other women.  That is more than okay.  But don't arrange your other dates while laying in my bed or sitting at the table with me and DEFINITELY don't tell me about the arrangements after.  This makes me feel like I am not special enough to occupy an evening of your time and it is tacky.  
  3. Don't tell me about how much of a "bitch" your ex, your mother, your sister or any other woman in your life is.  This just gives me a window into the future.  I don't want to be the next "bitch" in your life, Mr. Angry Man.
  4. Don't ask me if I have a friend for you cousin/brother/co-worker/homeboy.  Our first date should be a chance for us to get to know each other, not for me to supply your family and friends with ass.  Last I checked, it didn't say Madame Jehn above my door.  I get mine... Imma need Ray-Ray to get his.  
  5. Don't ask me to spit in your mouth.  Yeah ... I don't want to talk about it. 
  6. Don't tell me you want to hang out again and make fake attempts at getting together if you just wanted one night of sex.  It's fine.  Just don't waste my time or mislead me.
  7. Don't lie to me.  That's all.  I'm a big girl and I like to make my own decisions.
  8. Don't get drunk on our date.  Accidents do happen and we should be comfortable enough to allow them to happen.  But if you know you have a problem, refrain.  Don't get shitty every time I see you. 
  9. Don't throw a beer can in my yard.
  10. Don't roll up smelling like cigarettes and armpit.  I will look nice and I will smell nice.  Please do the same. 
I am sure there are more, but this will have to do for now.  Writing the don'ts was bringing back bad memories.  Well kids, here are some basics.  I would like to hear back from you on your experiences and your Dos and Don'ts. Email me @ Poly.Amory00@gmail.com or just leave your comments below.  

Monday, November 15, 2010

Confidence

Confidence and its adversary insecurity have been coming up in conversation and in my mind a lot lately.  The ideas of confidence and insecurity are so multifaceted.  We could peel the layers back for days and not even tap the surface.  I have confidence and insecurity in the same areas.  My confidence in certain things sways from day to day.  I am, overall, a very confident person, but everyone has their weaknesses and their moments when they are weaker or more insecure than others.

I go to a very prestigious women's college.  I am surrounded by some of the smartest women in the nation, but the insecurity permeates.  During finals, around midterms, you can cut the insecurity with a butter knife.  During class discussions, I always make sure my thoughts are well organized before diving in.  But, even with my thoughts gathered tightly, when I start making my point, my cheeks turn a slight shade rosier.  I rarely ever feel stupid after speaking.  But, when I'm in it, I get flush and feel insecure in my ability to deliver my point clearly.  Once it's out of my head and out of my mouth, I hold my head a little higher and my confidence level increases with every assertion of my reason and ideas.  After 2 years of sweaty palms and brief moments of insecurity, I have built a level of confidence I never thought I would attain.  Logic is like antibodies for insecurity.

When I am about to meet a man for the first time, I get really nervous.  This doesn't change from date to date.  Every time I meet a new man, I still get jitters.  I don't think there is an antibody for this, because I don't really think it's insecurity.  It's more just a fear of the unknown.  I am generally just as worried that I won't like them as I am that they won't like me.  It does, however, change over time with one man.  After I have gotten to know a man a bit better, I can relax and be my normal charming self.

When I meet new friends, I am secure right off the bat.  When I meet one on one with professors, classmates and colleagues to discuss ideas, I am generally cool as a clam.  If there are no expectations, I can be charming.  I can relay my thoughts with clarity.  I can be witty and I can be relaxed.  I can engage in conversations ranging from art to politics to cars to hip hop with little-to-no trepidation.  (I did, however, have to double check my spelling of trepidation.)  But, some days, I just don't want to interact with anyone.  I hate having a pimple.  Some days I feel like my words just won't express my point of view.  These are called bad days and they don't make me any less secure, overall.

Then, there's the blog.  Since I started this blog (4 months ago, today), I have felt like I have my hand raised in class.  This has been four months of trying to articulate my thoughts before the class.  The only difference is, in the class, the judgment is mostly in my mind.  Here, I get texts, emails and sideways glances.  The negative feedback comes far less than the positive.  I get more women and men saying they love the blog than I get people passing judgment, but the negative feedback rings so much louder.

Almost as soon as I started typing this post, I got a text from a man expressing less than favorable views regarding the blog and my active role in the stories.  He suggested that I not make the blog about me.  Taking his suggestion would make my life far less complicated.  This blog has turned my life upside down in ways.  I could have made it an advice blog.  I could have kept my personal stories out of it.  The trouble is, I don't give advice.  And ... this is a blog about my life.  So, I guess I could have just not made a blog at all. Or I could have kept it anonymous.  I could have said ... Look this is life.  Don't be ashamed, but I am.  So, I'm not going to tell my story.  But, I will sit back and tell you what I think you should do.   

Trouble with that is, I started the blog because I didn't know what the hell I was doing with my life.  I was seeking relationships with the first guy I could so that I could avoid what comes when you are alone.  And even though I share my bed occasionally, I am alone.  And I am learning me and ironing out the kinks.  In case you haven't noticed, I am a wreck in the love/relationship category.  But, after flushing out some reasoned ideas on dating, I am building my antibodies and my confidence is growing.  But, it's only by telling my story that I am building my immunity.  It's only by flushing out the heartbreak and the ego jolts and confessing my love of sex, that I have been able to start dropping my walls and building my confidence. I am no role model.  I don't claim to be.  I am not even sure how you heard about this blog.  Odds are good you got it from some chain that started with one of my good friends.  Because, that's who this blog was started for.  I started it for me and my friends.  Who knew the internet was all over the world?  So, with my shaking hand raised and my face flush, my classroom has grown from 4 friends in Houston to an unknown amount of friends in Australia, Japan, Finland, England, and even Indonesia.  (That's right Indonesia ... I have Adsense and I see ya peepin' the page.)

So, my confidence is growing.  It's just hard to see, because I'm still talking in front of the class.  I haven't had that moment to sit back and say ... "Oh, now it all makes sense.  That's why I raised my hand."  When I first started going to the gym, I was intimidated by all the 'gym people.'  They all knew how to use the equipment and their push-ups looked all perfect and they could see my less than tight arms.  But now, I am strong.  I know how to use the equipment and I am kind of a beast with my push-ups.  I can only hope I get the same results from this exercise.  I hope my growth brings no one pain and that I come out a better person on the other side.  Thanks for reading.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The Tale Of Marlon or: ... Part 2

This post has been posted, pulled down and re-edited more than any other before.  I think I was finally able to articulate my thoughts, but I'm not totally happy with it
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We didn't kiss, at first and I wasn't sure we were going to.  There was ample play.  He touched me.  I went down on him.  There was no coming, just touching.  He takes first place on the list of "Greatest Penises of All Time."  It was my largest experience to date and quite beautiful.  I am not going to say too much about the details of his physical appearance.  It was great.  He was great.  But, his greatness extends far beyond his beautiful arms and his great smile.

After an unknown number of minutes/hours, we stopped the foreplay and started the conversation and snuggling.  We talked about all sorts of nonsense as I kissed his chest and shoulder.  He asked if I had a thing for shoulders and I explained that while I did sort of have a thing for arms and hands, I really had a thing for kissing and biting.  What I did not tell him was that in the past couple of hours, I had really developed a thing for kissing his arms and his chest.

I almost wanted to stop it there.  I wanted to say ... this was a great time ... and roll over and go to sleep.  I wanted to keep it just like it had been.  But after another unknown amount of time, we kissed and we started making out. The kissing progressively intensified and eventually he was on top of me.  At that moment, I wanted him more than I had wanted anything.

When he entered me, there was slight pain, followed by an overwhelming sense of pleasure.  His movements were so perfect.  He filled me perfectly and I have not been that turned on by a man in a very long time.  I immediately knew I was going to have an orgasm.  The trick was going to be keeping it at bay long enough to feel what I was feeling for as long as possible.  His movements were slow and deliberate and our mouths only left each other's long enough for him to kiss my neck and shoulders.

At that moment, I realized what you give the woman that has everything.  You give her intimacy.  You make her realize on, a greater level, what she doesn't have.  I have had, do have a plethora of gorgeous men.  I have been fortunate enough to be able to discover what I like in bed and what I do not.  I have had some amazing partners, but lately, I have started to worry.  Though most of the men I have been with have been unique in bed, there has always been this underlying common factor.  There was something I could never put my finger on.  They all had a different kiss, different touch, different movements.  But, it was hard for me to set any of them apart from the rest.  There was always something missing.  I assumed it was something I was (or wasn't) feeling.  It was always just sex.  Sex with some was better than sex with others.  Sex with The Powerful One and The Player was amazing. But, in the end, it was all just sex.  This was something else.  I don't know what it was, but it was something new.

I have been thirsting for intimacy and for a connection and he was giving me water.  That is the part that made me feel vulnerable.  That was the part that scared the shit out of me.  I was fine laying down for him.  I was fine having fun.  I was fine coming with him inside me.  I was not fine with the way he was looking at me.  I was not fine with him telling me that he liked me.  I was fine with him dating a lot of women and probably having a connection and sex like that with all of them.  I was not fine with the possibility that I felt that connection all by myself.  After I came twice and turned over to move as slowly and deliberately as he had for me, after he had come, as I lay there with him over me, I could only ask him to stop looking at me like he was.  (I know .. I might as well put this in a poem and put on some neo-soul. Don't worry.  My tender moments are few and far between. Live it up while it lasts.)

It didn't help that, at an earlier point in the evening, he said he felt like I was entering my 'white picket fence phase.' (He reads the blog and we talk regularly.)  But, I resent that shit.  Who needs a white picket fence if they have a pit bull chained to the front porch?  I'm not a white picket fence kind of woman.  I will give it to him.  I am going through a transition in thought, but it's growth, not conformity.  I still don't need a man.  I never will.  Want is a whole different category.  It's the difference between being fulfilled and being needy.  At any rate, a white picket fence would require losing my little black book and if it all comes down to it, the little black book is going to win out.

I am cynical.  It's not just the blog.  I was cynical before.  I have a hard time trusting men.  I have made some bad decisions and I have been lied to.  It happens to lots of people and it's no special plight I have alone.  But, I have had to develop ways of dealing with it.  This is how I do it.  I am having a great time and that is all good and fine.  As long as there is no real feeling, I can joke about the "post-great-sex-love" and get all ego bruised, if they act uninterested after we have sex.  And while rejection or disinterest hurts, it doesn't really hurt.  It's not even about them.  But, let me feel something real for someone and instead of just enjoying it for what it is, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff and the only place to go is down.  If he's just saying he wants to see me again because of the blog, that would sting.  And, I don't need to know what real hurt feels like.  I don't need to know what it feels like to actually want to see someone again and it not happen.  No, thank you.

Maybe I am thinking about these things too soon.  I don't mean to make it sound like I have fallen for this man after one night.  This wasn't love at first sight, simply the realization that at even the slightest bit of emotion, I want to abruptly turn and walk away.  I just don't want to deal with indifference or disinterest with this guy.  I have to weigh the idea of whether or not the risk of getting some hurt feelings by being another man's Good Time Blog Girl is worth some exploration of his great company and sex.  He's reassured me that he just wanted to meet me for me and it didn't have to do with the blog, but he also brought up the fact that guys will most likely say things they don't mean because of the blog and this is a very true statement.  Also, reassuring me is not his job.  So, I am faced with a decision of whether or not I will see him again.  I am thankful that I met him, but I am scared of actually liking someone.  I know I am guarded.  Ultimately, the question becomes, Do I see him again or don't I?  Another question that could be asked is, Why don't I see this kind of intimacy more often? Why just this one? I suppose only time can answer the question, but it's nice to know that I am not incapable of intimacy or sex on a deeper level.  In the end, regardless of what he felt, I felt something.  This is a question to which I have needed an answer.

The Tale Of Marlon or: ...

... Why I Think The First Time I've Made Love In A Very Long Time Was A Performance For My Benefit ... and ... Why This Post Proves I'm Jaded.
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So, turns out I have been doing a lot of fucking.  Even in my old relationships, the sex I was having was devoid of these little things called intimacy and tenderness.  Sure, sex can be great when  a guy is focused on his technique.  It can be great when it's a little rough.  It can be great when done strictly for the purpose of coming.  (Side note - I have been using "cumming" which is totally wrong.  Cum is a noun and come is the action. Moving on...)  But there is a whole other world that I had forgotten.  A world that I honestly can't remember knowing.  This post is really hard to write.  It puts me in a vulnerable place.  That having been said, sex that is slow, tender and deliberate can't be beat.  Meet Marlon.  I have previously referred to him as "The Newest Favorite."  He is the first man to go from a The ... title to a name/alias.  


Marlon and I have been talking for a short while.  I met him online as soon as I got back to New England and he has served as an entertaining text buddy, an attractive Skype partner and, at times, a pretty cool friend.  He's nice.  He thinks we are like-minded and he is probably right for the most part.  I don't really know him that well.  We met, in person, for the first time on Friday night.  It was kind of awesome.  Not at first.  At first, I thought he was bored out of his mind.  Maybe he was.  I had been nervous to meet him and he seemed to be exemplifying my fears.  He didn't seem interested.  When I offered him to take his shoes off and get comfortable while we watched a movie, he said "That would mean I'm staying."  We had planned on him staying.  He drove two hours to get here.  I thought this was a joke, but a nervous woman is automatically going to think that there is some truth to the joke.  The joke, along with the distance between our bodies while we watched a movie and multiple episodes of The Office, led me to become even more assured that he and I were going to remain friends.  I bounced this idea back and forth a little bit.  I thought I could be overreacting.  He could just be taking time.  But, there was that possibility that he just wasn't interested.  


I didn't have too much of a problem with this.  It wasn't awkward and that is what I had feared the most.  Rejection is not too hard for me.  I am pretty secure, with the normal hints of insecurity that come with being a woman in America or possible anywhere in the world.  I am human.  I have my physical "trouble spots" that I am not totally fond of.  But, I don't dislike my body, at all.  I am quite fond of it, over all.  I talk about things that no one cares about when I'm nervous and I fidget.  I was simply worried that I wouldn't be his type and it would make for an awkward evening.  I didn't want obligatory sex or for him to put on a show because he felt like he had to.  I also didn't want a show, so that he would get a good 'review.'  I would never write something bad a bout a person, merely because they didn't like me.  I am secure enough to understand that people have different tastes.  I am 5' 10", have a buzzed head and a double D cup.  Not all men like that, and some love it.  


At some point during our third episode of The Office, he scooted up behind me and put his arm around me.  This was a relief, because I liked him.  He was funny, smart and cute.  But, there was something else.  He smelled like heaven.  I kept trying to relate it to something or someone in my past, but it wasn't identifiable.  It was just his natural smell.  Either I was wrong about him not being interested, or he put on a hell of a show to stay in a favorable light.  Either way, in my eyes, he would have stayed in a favorable light, regardless of what had happened.  We could have had sex or stayed friends.  I was okay with either, but I preferred his touch to his distance.  So, with him wrapped around me, I breathed him in and fell asleep.  


Around 3 hours later, I awoke to the slight touches and movements that indicate the beginnings of foreplay ... the next 4 hours would change a lot of things for me and leave me feeling very unsure about his intentions, myself and this blog. 


         

An End To Pretexts

After my date on Thursday, (We'll call him The Good Dater.)  I got a text that simply read, "So, did I make the blog?"  We had a perfectly good time.  We got along and had chemistry, but his first message wasn't "I had a good time" it was an inquiry of whether or not his performance had been worthy of a post.  Almost everyone gets a post.  The only people that get no sort of post at all are the really bad dates.  If I have nothing good to say, I say nothing at all.  So, he got a short post.  Not because it was bad, but because I had other things on my mind.

On Friday, I had my head on Marlon's (formerly The Newest Favorite) chest when he said it.  I am not sure who brought the blog up, but he hit the nail on the head.  He said something about the blog creating a problem.  Something along these lines ... Of course a guy is going to hit me back, because he wants a good write-up. I can't remember his exact words, but I know where it took my mind.  All of the men I am dating are performing.  Where I had wanted to be honest about the blog and live in a bed of total honesty, I have created a world of deception and distrust.  Men are performing for me, some only going out with me for a write up and some saying things that will put them in a favorable light in my eyes, in order to create a positive place for themselves in my mind.  As if being cheated on and heartbroken didn't create enough distrust, now I have this added element, that I have created.  The dating has become about the blog, instead of having a blog about dating.  That is useless to everyone and everything, except my libido.  But no one wants good sex that is bred out of ego or fear of a bad post. 

So, I am going to try something new.  I am not volunteering information about the blog.  I have dabbled with this before, but from here on out, I don't volunteer my URL.  There's no way for me to honestly know who really likes me and who is looking for a favorable review.  This will create peace of mind for me, less anxiety or nervousness for whomever I am dating and a more honest tale for you guys.  

And now .... The Tale Of Marlon or: Why I Think The First Time I've Made Love In A Very Long Time Was A Performance For My Benefit ... and ... Why This Post Proves I'm Jaded. 

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Shameless Plug

You guys should check out my other blog.  Don't worry.  It's just pictures ... Not more of my aimless babblings about sex and life.  Click here to see it.  Here's a sampling below. 




Good Dates And Other Things

This has been a good week for my dating life.  I shed some dead weight and realized some things about myself in the process.  I also had a two day long texting and Skype tryst with a possible crush back home and had two dates.

Lewis and I have made a healthy transition from lover to friend and it turns out I was right.  I love him, but I was never in love with him.  That is why we can be friends and I can hear about his dates without any sadness or pain.  I have not been in love in a very long time.  It's hard to realize that you are not in something, until you think back and remember what it felt like to be in it.  I have been thinking about my ex a lot.  Not the most recent one, but a few back and I remember what it felt like to just be head over heels.  It's been a while.

Everything with Todd has come to a full close.  I am not sure what I was doing there.  In the end, he was right.  I never fully wanted him.  I liked him, but I never got that feeling for him.  I never once felt for him, the way I feel right now.  (I'll explain that statement later.)  Todd and I never made love.  We had sex.  This is what I do.  I climb up on the counter, I bend over the sink, I straddle on the hard wood floors.  I put my hands to the wall and I brace for the impact.  But I never, never fully fall.

I have rough sex.  I have playful sex.  I let them close enough, long enough to have an orgasm and a good time, then back at arms length they go.  I joke that I'm always in love after good sex.  It's a high that I have come to see as my most intimate of emotions with men, right now.  I am guarded.  I make no excuses.  I wanted to be this way.  I had been disappointed and stagnant in my self for too long.  I wanted to put up a wall and let my garden grow without the added fertilizers and boot prints that "boyfriends" can leave.  I did not realize what would come of this, but I just went for it.  There was really no other option.  I could keep trying to jump into relationships, or I could just be me.  The strange thing was, just being me was the harder option.  Little to no distractions makes you take a step back and analyze some shit.  And forgetting what it's like to be in love, can sometimes make you feel like you could fall in love with anyone for a brief period, and at the same time, feel like you can't find a connection with anyone at all.

I go on dates.  I had one just the other night.  We met for drinks.  We went to dinner and we went dancing. We had a really nice time.  We didn't go back to my place.  We didn't have sex in the bathroom.  We just drank, ate and danced.  We didn't fall in love.  We didn't have share each other's bodies.  He's going through a divorce and I am having a good time and exploring myself.  It was perfect.  It was so clear and we talked the next day with no pretenses or games.  It was nice, refreshing.  It wasn't intimate on any exceptional level.  It was like making a new friend.  We don't have to look to the future, just have a good time in the present.  It set the tone for a new step in clarity.  I liked him.  He liked me.  I will never be with him and I will never be in love with him.  I don't have to be curious about where it's going or if I have to worry about hurting him or myself.  We can just be.  It's like friends with a twist.

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That having been said.  Last night was a whole other situation.  I finally met "The Newest Favorite."  He came to my place and we had dinner and watched a movie.  Then, he turned all of my clarity on its head.  It was perfect in a whole new way.  I'm sure I'll name him, but I can't write about him yet.  I'm still really confused and I am tired from not sleeping.  I can't respond to his texts, I can't write about him. I can't think straight, so I think, for now, I'll just go to sleep and dream.

Monday, November 8, 2010

How Long?

Okay.  Here it is ... The eternal question of absurdity ... How long do you wait before calling or texting someone after the first date?  How long do you wait before calling or texting someone after you have had sex for the first time?  Who sets the rules and who actually follows?  What is wrong with just being flirtatious or being open?

It's totally possible that after having sex, or meeting for the first time, you might not like a person.  They might not like you.  It doesn't mean anything about the other person, it doesn't mean anything about you.  It just means one of you didn't click with the other.  This can be tough on the pride.  It can definitely be a blow to the ego.  What it should not be is cloaked in mystery around whether the person actually likes you or whether they are following some arbitrary set of rules.  The room for question shouldn't be so vast or confusing.

I mean, I get it.  People don't want to open themselves up for rejection.  Or, they don't want to get themselves involved in something too quickly and they want to keep a safety buffer.  That's fine.  What is not fine is this act of devising a method and formula of deception and dishonesty to create that buffer.  Nothing says "I thought you were really cool, but I am just not looking for a relationship or a commitment this quickly," like "I thought you were really cool, but I am just not looking for a relationship or commitment this quickly."  A great way to say "let's take some time," is by simply saying it.  Not creating an algebraic equation of when to return a text.

I think honesty is the best policy.  If you don't like someone, if you didn't click, just tell them.  But, on the flip side, nothing really says "I did not dig you" like never calling or returning a text.  That is a different story.  That is pretty clear.  You don't need some asshole to write you a book on it.  I have to admit, I am guilty of the clean cut.  That having been said, don't make someone think they are getting the clean cut, then call them back two weeks later and say that wasn't the case.  This just makes you a fucker.

*Side note - If you think this post was written with you in mind, you are probably right.  But, it's not passive aggressive, because I have said it to your face, as well.  Plus, you knew I wrote this blog when you decided to put your "P" in my "V" and act like a fucker afterward.  Alls fair.  I knew you might act like a confused marmoset again and you knew I might write about your penis.

Also, if we didn't have a talk that sounded strikingly similar to this post, it's not you.  Give me a call.  We're probably still cool.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Cold

The temperature is in the 30s at night in my neck of the woods.  My bed is comfortable, but keeping it at a comfortable temperature (somewhere between sweat and bone chilling) is not an easy task.  I thought dating would take care of that for me.  I thought I would come back up here and start dating a few men and get a small pool of lovers like I had back home.  They would alternate from weekend to weekend and I would have a warm body to curl up next to at night.

That has not been the case.  Back home I had warm bodies.  I had lovers.  I had friends with which I had sex.  Here, it's stranger after stranger.  I like diversity in my lovers.  I enjoy variety, but I don't like sharing my bed with a series of strangers, each of which I will never see again.  And each of these strangers has left my bed colder than when they entered it.  Not only do they not return, not only is there no friendship, I don't want them to return.  I don't want to manufacture something out of nothing.

I don't want a commitment and I don't want monogamy, but I don't want the endless stream of strangers either.  I want the great sex I was having back home.  I want sex that is worth my time.  I enjoyed my night with The Powerful One.  I enjoyed my night with the football player.  Those were cases of good, hot, passionate sex.  Everything else has been forced and not worth the time spent.  There is the one that I liked, but after we had sex, he didn't call me again.  It was just 3 nights ago, so I won't jump the gun, but 3 days is a long time to not even drop a text.  It is what it is.  But, that left me feeling even colder.  I am not looking for an endless stream of strangers and I am not looking to be misled.  I don't mind sex for the sake of sex, but I do mind feeling like there is something more, when there isn't.

I have been talking to a guy from home.  He's the king of the "hot, passionate sex" men.  I haven't mentioned him before.  Actually, I haven't talked to him in years.  But he resurfaced and at the perfect time.  So, for now, he's my comfortable temperature.  We exchange texts every once in a while and they are just hot enough to keep me going.  At night, I curl up in bed, alone and I think of getting back home and sharing a bed with him.  For the next few days, my life will consist of texting him, working out, taking photos, studying and curling up at night to think of him.  It's perfect.

Then, on Thursday, I have a date.  I don't foresee it going anywhere.  His suggestion was that we grab a drink, have dinner and make out.  That sounds great to me.  But, on Friday, if all goes as planned, I will be meeting someone I have talked to since I got back here.  We talk a lot and he has proven to be a friend.  He's driving in from another city, so he'll have to stay the night.  We'll see where that goes.  I'll keep you guys abreast on any new twists in the story.  Have a good week, folks.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Changes

I have come a long way since I started this blog four short months ago.  I started the blog with a broad, general goal set.  I didn't want to become any specific person.  I didn't want to accomplish any specific goal.  I just wanted to grow.  I wanted to become more honest and understand what it feels like to be confident in the truth.  I wanted to grow as a sexual being and to be able to own my sexuality.  I also wanted to get to know the opposite sex a bit better.

I wanted to understand myself.  I had thoughts and urges and I had been programmed to think that they were dirty or unnatural.  It wasn't just outside influence that had led me to think this way.  I drank the KoolAid.  I passed judgments on women and I passed judgments on myself.  That's all gone.  I have a new view on sex, sexuality and femininity.

When I started sharing, I wanted to see life, love and sexuality without the goals of a relationship or monogamy.  I didn't really have any view on relationships.  I just knew they hadn't been working for me. I was missing the forest for the trees.  I had been in and out of relationships with no success.  Once I stepped back, I found myself wondering what I had been doing for the past year or two of my life.  I was altering who I was and what I wanted to fit the relationship, instead of taking the time to find a relationship that fit me.

I think my take on relationships is frequently misunderstood or I have done a piss poor job at articulating my thoughts.  Most likely, I just didn't understand how I felt.  I find that guys tend to think that I am avidly against being in a relationship.  This is not the case.  I have nothing against relationships.  I frequently find myself longing for a partner.  The difference in me now and me a year ago is this: I now realize that it is a want and not a need. This mindset allows me to be more selective and create higher quality bonds with people.  I realize that some of the situations I enter into are just for momentary glory and others have a potential to last.  This allows me to be honest and open with my lovers.  If I have a higher level of self awareness, I can keep it on the level with the men I am seeing/sleeping with.

At the present, I am in a strange place.  I still want to meet the right person.  I want to have that connection, but I am not done exploring my sexuality.  Simply put, I still want to sleep around.  However, I don't see that changing.  I think it's the natural human condition to want diversity in our sex lives.  The thing is, my idea of a relationship doesn't allow for that.  If I meet a person that is worth it, I will happily give up my trysts and start my sexual exploration with one person.  I miss the comfort of being totally open with one person and the ability to ask for wants and try new things in a trusting, loving environment.  There is a lot to be said for that exploration, as well.  For now, I will be focusing on loving myself and exploring my sexuality with a plethora of attractive men.



 

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Repeat Offender

It's time to share ... again ... with you ... my current dating state.  It's not too terribly exciting, but fulfilling, nonetheless.   I have been talking to a guy that lives nearby, but I am fairly sure he wants more than I can offer at this point in life.  And, considering the fact that we haven't even been out on a date, I am pretty sure that he is moving faster than I know how to move.  I am getting slower in my old age.  Not sure how that's going to work out for me, but it is what it is.

So, there's that.  The guy that is perfectly wonderful wants to take me to Boston and is attentive and nice.  The trouble is he's into me without knowing who I really am.  The pressure is too much.  And, I don't have the same vigor and enthusiasm to offer.  I could keep talking to him and keep going with it, but it wouldn't be fair.

Aside from that, there is still The Powerful One.  I haven't seen him again since we first met.  We have texted occasionally and we have talked about maybe getting together this coming week.  We'll see where that goes.  I will keep you guys updated.  I've been sick for about 6 days, so I haven't been interested in seeing anyone.

That having been said, I am in a new pickle.  I have told you guys that I haven't had any repeat offenders up here in New England.  Meaning: I haven't been out with, slept with or hung out with the same man twice.  I don't know what it is.  I don't put much effort into making it happen.  And there is always the simple element of disinterest, both on their part and mine.  So, there has been plenty of disinterest floating around.  However, there is one guy that I really wanted to see again after I saw him the first time.  I don't think I told you guys about him.  But, at this point, even I am confused about who I have and have not mentioned. I try to mention all worth mentioning, but there is an element of privacy that even a tell-all queen needs to maintain. Well, either way, here he is.  We'll call him The Repeat Offender.

He's really the only person I have had any sort of real crush on up here.  He reminds me of my friends back home.  He's funny.  If he were part of my group of friends, he would totally be the one I had a crush on.  But, he's not.  This is the trouble ... He's not a friend.  I'm not one of his friends, I am a chick he met on a dating site.  There was nothing organic about the way we met.  The most interesting thing about our first contact was that we messaged each other at the exact same time.  That's sort of special, I guess. Right? ... In a grasping at straws kinda way??? No?

And our first "meeting" was interesting.  It was nice.  We ate Taco Bell, drank cheap beer and didn't have sex.  That makes us friends, right?  Have you caught on yet?  Do you see the trouble here?  I want to be his friend.  I want to like him as a person and I want him to like me.  He makes me laugh.  I am okay with him talking to my friends.  I have no problem bringing him into my house before my housemates have gone to sleep.  I want him to think about me in a way that I haven't really cared about up here.  I want him to get over the crush he has on his friend and have a crush on me.  I even sent him an overly emotional text when he blew me off one night.  We didn't talk for a while, then last night, he came over.  Hence, The Repeat Offender.  He's the first New Englander I have seen twice.

We went to dinner and had a really nice time. We walked around my town and joked.  Then, he came back to my house and after introducing him to some of my friends, we came up to my room and one thing led to another. We watched The Office and he made me laugh more.  More trouble in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... I like him.  But, I don't dare to even wonder if he likes me or not.  In realizing all of this, I realized something else.  I am finally over my ex.  And, as I lay here tonight with nothing but my computer, my vibrator and a Red Stripe to keep me warm,  I am happy with me.  I am happy being alone.  I am okay with dating less.  I am happy with my life.  But now, I have gone and fucked it up with a crush.

About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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