Saturday, October 30, 2010

Virtue

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. -Voltaire

Virtue is a word used to describe moral excellence or a trait or quality that is morally excellent.  Purity is a virtue.  Virginity means you are pure and thus you are virtuous. Without your virginity, you are not pure, you are not virtuous. Throughout time and within different cultures, the emphasis on a woman's virtue has cycled in and out of importance.  But, rarely has a man's virtue ever been called into question through his possession or loss of his virginity.  Men are seen to be virtuous for other reasons, not having to do with their chastity.  When challenging a man's virtue, his courage and honor would be called into question, not a small layer of skin in the depths of his genitals.

There are many different definitions and ideas on when a woman's virginity ceases to exist; when she is penetrated vaginally, when she is penetrated anally, with fingers, with a penis, with an instrument.  Is a woman robbed of all virtue if she is raped?  Does giving head, but not having intercourse mean one is still a virgin?  Can virginity be restored through prayer?  Can a virgin be 'born-again?'  And why does it matter?

Virginity is seen as a virtue that is to be taken by a man.  It's something to be preserved until one meets the right man that will penetrate and break the flesh threshold.  The first time for a woman is never described as something that brings pleasure.  It's awkward and uncomfortable.  It's painful, but a woman should be happy that it is something she can share, something that she has saved for a well-deserving man.

I know very few women that are still with or even still talk to the man they lost their virginity to.  The passing of the sacrificial hymen isn't an agreement.  It doesn't come with any requirements or promises of loyalty.  It really means nothing.

After I 'lost my virginity,' I didn't know how to feel.  The phrasing itself left me with a feeling that I should feel a loss.  Should I be mourning my childhood, my purity?  It was fun.  I felt sexy.  I liked the boy with which I shared my first sexual experience.  We were good friends and it was fun.  It was wholesome.  It was his first time too.  I didn't feel like anything was missing.  I felt enriched, like I knew something others didn't.  I had sex.  I was sexual.  I was proud.

But, one night, it caught up with me.  I remembered the external influence.  I remembered the things I had learned as a kid and adolescent.  I heard the voices preaching the importance of purity and virtue.  I remembered that I had 'lost' something.  I lost my virginity.  It didn't matter that it was a very positive, loving experience.  I felt bad that I didn't feel bad.  I wasn't a kid anymore.  I had to be more mature now.  I wasn't a virgin anymore.  And in that moment, lost in the expectations of others, I forgot that I had made a good decision.  I forgot that I was in love and that I was still a kid.  I forgot that I had a pure heart and that I was a good person and I shed tears of mourning for something intangible, something that had never brought me joy.  I mourned a small mucous membrane that had probably been broken by a tampon or by my fingers long before my first boyfriend ever entered me.

I understand it better now.  When I think about my first time, I smile and I feel happy.  It was a beginning to a healthy wonderful part of my life. But, at the time, I had no one to turn to to share my shame.  My sister and mother had never made me feel bad for having sex.  No one was ashamed. No one put pressures on me.  I was 17 and I had taken a natural step in life.  My friends and family thought it was nothing to bat an eyelash at, but somewhere deep inside, I knew that society was frowning on my decision.  It may have been a natural progression, but feeling loss and shame were also natural, right?  It was, after all, inherent in the phrase.  It was lost.  I wasn't enriched.  I was missing something.

Now, I know this was bullshit and I frequently stop myself when I am about to say "I lost my virginity." It's not lost.  I know exactly when I decided to have sex for the first time.  I am not missing anything.  I am not without.  Nothing was taken from me.  I still talk to the man that gave me sex for the first time.  He gave me my first orgasm and he gave me love and respect.  Unfortunately, it took a little longer for me to give myself the love and respect that came so easily from him. It took more maturity for me to realize that virtue is a social construct that can't be defined by an act or a small layer of mucous.  My virtue and purity can't be taken and will never be lost.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

I'm sort of at an impasse.  See, I have these eggs.  And I have some baskets.  But, only one of the baskets is strong and sturdy.  I could technically divide my eggs up and put one in each basket, but I don't really want my friends seeing the other baskets.  The other baskets have holes.  And I have this one basket that is about an hour and a half away and so I can't really rely on that basket.  Oh and I have this other basket that might be married. Dilemma ... is it okay to, TEMPORARILY, put all of my eggs in this one strong sturdy basket.  One that is close by, not married and extremely gorgeous.

The issue is, I am tired of dating all these knuckleheads.  I had a horrible experience the other night.  It doesn't even need to be discussed.  It was just bad.  And it was on the heels of a great experience.  So, I don't know what to do.  I think I am done with meeting new guys for a bit.  I don't really want to stop talking to the guys from back home, and I will probably never stop talking to Sean, but as far as sharing myself with other men, I don't really want to do it for a bit.

My sex drive can't be denied.  It's huge, but there's always masturbation and I have found one man that satisfies a lot of those needs. However, that having been said, this is not about him.  It's about me.  These guys are wasting my time.  Seriously, I spent all of Monday tired and mad that I had been up the night before having awkward conversation and then attempting to be slightly polite.  Trouble was, I was just tired and fed up.  I just told ol' dude that I was not interested and went home.  

The aspect of the strong, sturdy man is probably a bit premature.  He and I have only had one night together and other than that, we just do a lot of internet chatting.  But, either way, he's spoiled me a bit and seeing what is out there and what is possible is making me realize that I am wasting time with these other guys

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Powerful One - Part 2

So, I did it.  Who am I to deny a man the truth?  I kissed him.  He was a good kisser, he smelled good and his temperature was just fine.  At first, we joked about keeping it professional and there was no touching.  We just kissed.  Then, I couldn't resist and I put my hand lightly on his arm and fought the urge to venture lower.

The more we kissed without touching, the more my mind wanted to pull back and just kiss him for hours. My body wanted other things.   And after making out for an extended amount of time, my body and mind got what they wanted.  He was so strong.  His hands were big and powerful.  This is one reason why he gets the name The Powerful One.

There was no fast progression from talking to sex.  There wasn't even a fast progression from making out to intercourse.  He took his time.  We kissed, we touched.  It was truly beautiful.  He kissed my entire body and when he did enter me, it was passionate and deliberate.  He was 6'4" of solid muscle and his skin was beautiful.  Every part of his body was perfect.

We made love all night.  We came together the first time.  Afterward, we talked and laughed for a bit, then he was ready again.  Each time we made love, it got a little rougher.  He was exercising great restraint, but as he wrapped his arm around my neck and pulled my down onto him, his grip got a bit more firm, while his kiss stayed soft and warm.  I came twice.  We talked more and I was sure that two was all I was getting.  I turned the lights off and we settled in for sleep.  As we joked more and flirted, he would pull me up against him.  I traced the lines of his arm as they stood out from the backdrop of my white walls.

I asked for his hand to see how big it was against mine.  I had noticed they were large, but once against mine, I realized he might have the biggest hands I have ever touched.  They were beautiful, as well. With our hands pressed against each other, he asked if I was satisfied.  I told him I was and joked that I liked being manhandled by him.  He pulled me close and said he hadn't even started manhandling me yet.  As he kissed my neck, I told him he was 'a powerful human being.'

At this, he pulled back.  He thought it a strange choice of words.  He said he would have understood strong man, but 'powerful human being' was too much.  I defended my statement.  Then we got off onto a conversation about what makes one powerful.  He thought you had to have and actively exercise power over others to be powerful, where I argued that potential power makes one powerful.

I rolled over and smiled.  I was just happy to be laying in bed with a gorgeous man that challenged my word choices.  As I was drifting off and feeling thankful, he pressed up against me hard and said "you had to use the word 'powerful' didn't you?"  I slid down on the bed and filled my mouth with him.  He was harder and more wanting than he had been all night.  It was as if we hadn't just had sex twice.

He pulled me up to his mouth, then turned me face down.  He wrapped his arm around my throat and pulled me against him as he entered me.  He verged on hurting me, but knew just when to pull back.  As his grip around my throat tightened, he kissed my neck and whispered in my ear.  I was too intoxicated by him to remember what he said.  I just remember the intensity of simultaneous force and restraint.  He turned me over again and kissed me as he tightened his grip on my thighs and deepened his drive.  We came together one last time.

He laid down on top of me and we held each other.  Post-orgasm, I would tighten and loosen around him and he would push into me.  We fell asleep and I woke to him pulling out of me and slipping off of me.  I held onto him and he said he was too heavy.  I hadn't even noticed the weight of his body as I slept.  I just didn't want to not have him inside me.  We fell asleep on our respective sides of the bed and in the morning, he rushed to get dressed, claiming to have class.  So, I walked him out.

I knew I wouldn't see him again.  Later in the day, he sent the "I had a good time with you, we will do it again" text.  But, I didn't hold my breath.  His smell faded from my pillows and I still hadn't heard from him.  Then, tonight, my phone rang and it was him.  Only three days had passed, but he apologized for not calling sooner.  He said he'd been busy.  It was good to hear from him, but I am not going to get my hopes for an encore up.  We will just see what happens.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Powerful One

Good God.  We have a winner, folks.  No offense to the ones that have come before, but this man was amazing.  Plus, it's still fresh on my mind and we all know how I feel for the first few days after great sex.  I always think I am in love.  Then it fades considerably. I know what you're thinking. You're right. Its not love.   We'll see.  

I met him online and he texted me a few times.  We talked on the phone once and as I usually do, I wrote him off at first.  He was very good looking in his picture, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to meet him or not.  I've been feeling a bit jaded lately and not really into meeting new guys.  I got overly involved emotionally with Todd and he stopped responding to my texts again, so I was a little down.

However, this past weekend, I decided to step out of that negative attitude and jump back out there.  I texted The Powerful One and asked him what he was up to.  Told him I was bored and he asked what he could do to help with that.  I suggested he drive up and visit me.  He lives about 45 minutes from me.  He agreed to make the drive.

I was a bit apprehensive about meeting him.  We were just going to be sitting in my room talking, possibly watch a movie.  If we didn't have anything in common or couldn't find a common ground for conversation, we would be spending the next few hours awkwardly feigning interest.  I was bored and willing to risk it, so I took a bath and shaved my legs, trimmed my hair and got dressed.  I just put on a jumper, a button down and some lotion.  He called and said he was nearby, so I slipped on some flip flops and went out to meet him.

He pulled up and I slipped into his car to help him find a parking space.  Wow. Can we say out of my league?  Good lord. I couldn't see much of him, as he was sitting in a dark car, but I could see that he had the most beautiful smile I had seen in a long time.  We parked nearby and walked back to my house together.  I was cold and he made jokes about me wearing shorts and flip flops in New England in October.  The flirtation started.

We got into my house and I could now see that he was about 6'4", had broad shoulders and beautiful skin.   I pulled a chair out for him and took a seat on the edge of my bed.  We talked for about an hour.  It wasn't uncomfortable.  We just talked about ourselves and got to know each other a bit.  He was cute and witty.  He wasn't particularly charming.  There was more genuine appeal than charm.  But when he smirked or smiled, I felt my cheeks go flush.

I spent the time we sat talking wondering if once we were done, he would go home or stay the night.  We talked for about an hour, then I found myself clearing my clean laundry off the bed.  I was doing it as a nervous kind of habit.  I move a lot when I'm nervous.  When I got the clothes moved off the bed, he asked, "Did you move those to clear me a spot?"  I immediately blushed.  Even though the thought of him staying and us having crazy sex had crossed/occupied my mind, I didn't expect him to make that comment when he made it.  So, I blushed and hid my face and said, "No." He made a comment about the bright lights and I turned it around on him, suggesting that he had offered himself a place on my bed and now he wanted me to turn the lights down.  Once my embarrassment settled, I offered him the space I had cleared and put on The Family Guy.  I know, it's not exactly romantic or mood setting, but the electricity was alive and well in my room and now in my bed.  I thought it best to do as much to curb the heat as possible.  I was about 5 seconds from mounting him as it was.

As soon as we settled on the bed, over the blankets, I told him he should take his shoes off and relax.  He did and as he leaned back he asked me what I thought of him.  My mind raced.  What do I say? I wanted to be honest, but I couldn't say the total truth.  The truth was that he was a 12 on my scale to 10.  He was by far one of the most if not the most attractive man to grace my bed.  He was huge.  His shoulders were broad and I had taken note of the way his jeans rested on his solid legs.  He was strength embodied.  His smile and his face were next to perfect.  He was beautiful without having a baby face.  He still had on his jacket, but I could see his arms were well cut.  I had checked out his ass within the first 5 minutes of coming into my room.  He was, in my eyes, physical perfection.  So, I looked at him, smiled and simply said, "You are spot on."

We talked about attraction, likes and dislikes for a bit and then he asked me if I'm big on kissing and what I take as a good kiss.  I remembered kissing a man earlier in the year and how the smell of the man and the heat of his mouth had been such a turnoff.  He didn't stink, but he was just repulsive to me.  His natural smell reminded me of motor oil and his mouth was so hot when he kissed me, that I was instantly turned off. I shared this with The Powerful One (you'll know why I named him that in a bit.)  I got up to get a small blanket and while I was up he said, "Okay, we have to test it.  I have to know if I have a hot mouth."  I smiled and he said, "You have to do this for me.  You have to kiss me."

To Be Continued ...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Sexual Peak

There is much debate over whether or not a sexual prime exists in men and women.  I decided to google it, for obvious reasons.  I masturbate every day.  I have always loved sex, but I am currently at my most lustful.  I turned 30 a month ago, so naturally I have been writing this increased hunger off to a sexual prime.

I have always thought there was some hormonal increase that happens to women in her 30s.  You get an increase of hormones and an increase in libido.  Turns out, this isn't so.  I have no more hormones now than I did at 18.  I have always had a little additional testosterone floating around my system, but there isn't some burst of hormones that hits in ones 30s or 40s.  Women and men both get the biggest hormone burst around 18.

So, why am I regularly skipping dinner to stay in and have "me" time?  Something has happened.  I wasn't always like this.  As I've said, I have always loved sex.  I lost my virginity at 17 and had my first orgasm soon thereafter.  Barring times of debilitating illness or lack of privacy/opportunity, I have not gone more than a few days without cumming, since.

However, now I masturbate almost every day, sometimes, more than once a day.  If I had a steady partner, I would be requesting sex at least twice a day.  When I had a boyfriend, if we had sex 3 times a day, I was happy and satisfied.  It's unbelievable.  My urges are amazing even me.  I have even considered the fact that I might be addicted to sex.  I signed up for the Sex Addicts Anonymous cyber meetings.  Turns out, I don't really fit the bill.  Aside from skipping the occasional meal, I don't really let anything else go by the wayside.  I am still selective about with whom and where I have sex.  I do, however, consider a private or semi private restroom to be an appropriate place.  I don't think about sex all day, but I am easily turned on.  I have been talking to a new guy for a few days and the wit, banter and hints to sex have me shifting in my seat quite regularly.

If I'm not in a sexual prime, then I can only write this increase off to an increase in confidence.  I remember that when I was young, I was ashamed to masturbate.  I thought my sexual urges made me gross or strange.  After I got older and more open, I found out all of my female friends that were willing to talk about it were rubbin' one out, at least once a week.

In my mid twenties, a partner asked if he could watch me pleasure myself and I realized that masturbation was not only normal, but it was sexy.  I know it sounds strange.  Of course it's sexy.  But, when you are irrationally ashamed of something, it's hard to see it for what it is.  These new realizations made masturbation even more enjoyable.  The more I masturbated, the more I realized what I liked.  The more I realized what I liked, the easier it was to orgasm with a partner.   My acceptance of masturbation led to better sex with my partners.

So, higher confidence led to freedom in exploring myself, which led to better sex with my partners, which led to better fantasies for more masturbation and it just spiraled from there.  I think this is what a healthy attitude toward sex looks like.  Yet, I still find myself questioning how I could love sex so much. Deep in the back of mine, I am still fighting the idea that sex is something men love and something women are willing to do to satisfy a man.  A part of me thinks I am odd for loving sex so much.  But, I am starting to realize that I am just a normal woman with lust.  I might have a bigger appetite than some and my appetite might be smaller than that of other women, but it's not strange in any way.

It is what it is.  I love sex.  I don't do it looking for love or with any hidden motives.  I believe it is an act of love. Not just love shared with other people, but a love for me, as well.  I encourage women to safely explore their urges.  You don't have to wait for some fictional sexual peak when your lust becomes acceptable.  It's acceptable now.  Embrace it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

For Lulu

I love my readers.  I really do.  Whether they are emailing me saying they disagree with my ways, or commenting that they appreciate the things I say.  I love them and most days I wake up excited to write for them. I like to be challenged and I like to be supported.  The growth that has come from the balance they bring is unreal.  Recently, some of my favorite readers have been asking for advice.  

The truth is, I don't really have any advice to give, outside of be honest.  Be honest all the time.  Don't over share and don't say things that will hurt people's feelings, but be honest.  Deciding to be honest and just be me has made all the difference in the world.  I think most of my unhappiness and insecurity came from worrying about the 'secrets' I had... The things I held back for fear of being unlovable.  Once I let them all out, I realized that all of me is lovable.  The only thing that wasn't was the dishonest side of me.  

So, just be you.  Don't try to hide who you are and how you feel.  We aren't crazy because we are women. We aren't irrational or over emotional.  We aren't conniving.  We aren't backstabbers or jealous wenches.  We are loyal.  We are brave.  We are mothers and best friends.  We are generally pretty fucking cool.  We are sexual and we are loving.  We can be strong or vulnerable.  We can have moments of unimaginable strength and glory and moments of crying on the floor, but we are beautiful at all times.  The only thing I would like to say in regards to women and my friends as a whole is that we need to stop hiding ourselves.  We need to stop trying to one up each other or appear stronger than one another.  We need to realize that there is no fault in weakness. There is no fault in sadness.  Own it when you feel it.  Support your fellow women when they feel it.  And realize that you are at your full worth whether you feel you are a super hero or a sinking ship. 

Don't spend your life hiding parts of you.  Own the things you don't like and work to change them.  Don't make excuses, because no one is perfect.  Just be happy and be good to other people.  I really think this is what made me really love myself.  In honor of loving myself.  I am going to take the final step in loving me.  My name is Jehnifer.  I don't need to be anonymous anymore, because I am proud to share my moments of weakness and my moments of strength with you guys.  I will keep my lovers and friends anonymous, but this is me.  I'm 30, I'm a student and I am in love with me.  

Thanks, Lulu. <3

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Cut

Summer 2010 is over.  The summer was a blast.  You guys know.  You were there for the whole ride.  Now the cloud of excitement has settled, there is a little bit of a mess.  After spending 10 days in Houston, a lot of things have become blindingly clear.

First of all, if I don't make some quick moves with Lewis, we are going to get trapped. This is the first time I have had a totally healthy relationship.  He's a friend, the sex was great, but it's time to take the sex out of the picture and just be friends.  We are too valuable to each other.  So, recently, I asked if we could make the transition and work on just being friends.  I think it's time.  Even though we were clear all along, there was still the occasionally ambiguity in my mind and heart.  I am scared of losing him due to hurt feelings or confusion.  He was find with it and I think this will go down in history as the most adult thing I have ever done.  

Secondly, I have been feeling lately that there are certain people in my life that take a lot more than they give.  I have stated earlier that I am not here for the amusement of men.  I need something in return.  I am not stepping out here and changing my ways, just so I can be at the beck and call of 20 men instead of just one.  If it's not 50/50, it's not going down.  So, all the men that want pics texted to them and want to chat with me when it's convenient, but never deliver on any face to face or real interaction, you gotta go.  Funny thing is, this started out with The Newest Favorite and he is not going anywhere.   I love talking to him.  Since my original post on this subject, he has managed to keep me highly entertained.  He definitely delivers.  We aren't sleeping together or anything like that, but who knows what the future holds.  But all these other yahoos are going to have to fall by the wayside.  They probably won't even notice.

Sean is holding tight.  He's far away and we don't see each other.  We just text, but he's an old friend and I can't forget that we have more than one night of sex and a few (hundred) text messages.  We have a real friendship and a history.  I am sure he and I will never hook up, but I hope we see each other again one day.  Who knows?...

The Beautiful One is in love.  I don't date or sleep with the taken ones.  He's taken and even if he fell in love while we were talking and after we first slept together, I still recognize it for what it is.  So, I am stepping back from him.  It was short lived and lovely.  I developed feelings for him and he warned that he didn't want to hurt me.  It was memorable, but now it's done.  

There is a guy here that I spent a night with.  We didn't have sex, but we made out and snuggled then we slept side by side.  It was nice.  He was funny and witty.  He made references to us having a second date or spending more time together.  I liked him.  Then, it just turned into this confusing cat and mouse game.  I don't like playing cat.  I would text him and he wouldn't respond for days.  Then out of the blue, he would call and we would talk for a while.  Then we would do the whole thing over again.  I invited him back out a few times and he was always busy.  The last time we talked, he mentioned coming out and said he was debating.  I let him go because I had to pee and he said he was going to call me back.  I didn't hear back.  So, I texted him that I was not up for being toyed with.  I am easy going and I like to be honest.  It just felt like some sort of game.  But, now it's a one player game, because I am not in the mood to play.  I liked him and he knew it, but I never knew if he liked me.  That shouldn't really ever be the case.  That was a plus from The Beautiful One, he was honest.  He liked me, but he didn't have feelings for me.  Fair enough.  This new guy here in New England won't get a name or a title at all.  Easy come, easy go.  

So, interestingly enough, that leaves Todd.  We spent time together while I was in Houston and it was nice.  He seems genuine.  I might be way off and let's face it, I'm not in a place to trust or be in a relationship.  As I typed, "He seems genuine," I got scared.  I felt vulnerable.  I think that says it all.  I am not in a place to settle in with just one man, but I'm also not in a place to entertain 20.  So, I'll just let it be what it is.  Todd is someone that I have feelings for.  I have fun with him and I like to hold his hand.  That scares me, but I will just tread slowly and see what happens.  I will also see where it goes with the others that made the cut.  But, I am going to make sure that I keep my energy where it should be, where I wanted it when I started this blog and made my decision to date, on me.  I am going to continue to be as productive as possible and make sure that everyone in my life, male or female, romance or friend, is adding to my life in a positive way.  If not, they gotta go. 
 

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Needy

I was just reading through a friend's blog and came to a repost about needy girlfriends. The post talks about the things a woman can do to be less needy.  There were a few things about this that struck me as odd.

First, they place a blanket of advice over all women.  They lay out a few random bits about small things you can do to undo what is most likely a side effect of a great societal issue.  They give advice like don't plan everything, give each other space and let him do his own laundry.  They do touch a bit on living for yourself.  I give that aspect some props.

I guess it's not practical to tell women to attempt to view life through new lenses and to back away from the ways they have always been taught to feel.  A lot of women aren't clingy.  A lot of women are great girlfriends and solid confident people.  And then there are women that grew up with parents that didn't teach them the healthiest relationship lessons.

If you are clingy, most likely, you grew up seeing codependence and enabling surrounding every family issue.  I great up with relationship examples that left something to be desired.  Yet, I jumped from relationship to relationship thinking this was the way it was supposed to play out.  I am the needy girlfriend they speak of.  When I was young, I didn't understand what love or a healthy relationship looked like.  Simply telling me to stop planning and stop doing my partner's laundry would have never made me less clingy.  I was trying to find something in a partner that I could only find in myself.

Like I said, telling women to step out of their relationship and attempt to recognize their own worth is a bit heavy for the pages of Cosmo or whatever blog this post came from.  So, while I am disgusted by the fact that it only goes out to women after all the needy and clingy men I have dealt with, I guess I understand that they are working with limited frames of reference and they are attempting to take baby steps on a one-sided issue that extends past the imaginary boundaries they have created for the subject.

On a(nother) personal note, I am a lot less needy now than I was when I was playing relationship leap frog.  Taking a couple years for myself has been a lot more useful than I could have ever imagined.  Yes, I said years.  I didn't get these bad habits over night and so it is taking me a bit of time to uncover them.  But, realizing my faults is making me a lot more confident in my strengths.  And, guess what ... The more confidence you have, the less you need from others, by way of validation.  I still attempt to get validation from Lewis, before I realize that the validation I am looking for is not his to give.  Every time I do it, I realize it a little quicker, apologize for it and move on.  These days, it happens a lot less than it used to.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Newbies

This section is hard to list.  These guys don't really have names or characteristics just yet.  I started answering a lot of inquiries on the dating sites, due to the lack of eligible male volume in my area of New England.  What happened was a backlash of sorts.  With all of the eligible attractive men in Houston, I still had a short list.  I have a few solid, quality suitors and I was perfectly happy with the small pool I had created.

New England is a bit of a different story.  It's like I have been stock piling guys for the bitterly cold winter. My little black book is bulging at the seams.  I have never talked to this many people at the same time.  I just don't know how to pull back at this point.  I am not seeing anyone, but if I hope to change that and create a comfortable ground to meet someone, I need to clear the little black book of all but the top 5 and go from there.

I have 3 guys that I know will make the top 5 right off hand.  One will inevitably just be a friend, one could be much more and the other is getting laid as soon as he brings his ass to my town.  I'm ready for him.  The rest just fall into a category of names I can't keep straight in my cell phone.  I am texting and returning messages all day.  So, it's time to scale back.  There's no quality in this much quantity.  

No Good

Just when I thought I would never see another one-night-stand ... Just when I thought I had recounted my worst possible experience of one, I went and got drunk.  And, there he was, some random guy at some random bar.

I won't go into the details.  It was drunken.  Neither of us offered a quality experience for the other.  The difference was, I didn't act like an asshole because I didn't cum.  I just sucked it up, because I can't even remember all the sexual experiences that I have had throughout my life that ended with me not cumming.  Guys don't get to experience this very often.  Women get more of it than they care to remember.

So, when it came time for me to make my exit the next morning, he texted and stared at the ground.  I guess he wanted to avoid the horrible task of saying "later."  Yeah ... it was a gem of an experience really.  I considered not writing about it at all, but I figured a guy that stops speaking to you because he can't stay hard long enough to cum and treats you like shit isn't really worth the respect I would afford to the men that are courteous and considerate.  After all, the reason he thought I wasn't worth a "goodbye" or a walk to the door, was because he thought he didn't have to respect a woman that comes home with him.  That's his prerogative.  I choose to have a minimum level of respect for all people.  Including a dude that chose to make the same decision I did the night before.  It's not his fault.  He's a product, not the problem.  Then, he threw me a curve ball and called me the next day.  I am not even sure what that was about.  He said he was trying to make sure it was my number and that I should hit him up later.  The same guy that couldn't be bothered to acknowledge me as I left his house?  I did not hit him up later.  No hard feelings.  I just expect more out of humans.

Either way, it was bad.  We were drunk and we didn't know each other.  That is really all that has to be said.  I am up for sex without a commitment, but I am not up for ever having that kind of sex again.  There has to be some sort of compassion and connection or it's just no fun.  It's not a numbers game.  I'm not trying to rack up the conquests.... I am trying to have a fulfilling sexual experience and I am trying to cum, get a kiss or hug goodbye and maybe a check-in call the next day.  You don't have to be Prince Charming, but don't be a child about it.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

My Newest Favorite

I said I would explain later.  It's later.  My Newest Favorite doesn't have a name just yet.  Because, we haven't actually met yet.  This is the point when my mother would roll her eyes at me and say ... "Let me guess, You're in love?"  She's a sarcastic one.  No.  I am not in love with him.

You know of him already.  He's the one that, just last week, told me that I wasn't the same woman he had first talked to. He I have also referred to him as the Pretty Boy, but I don't find that to be a fitting name anymore.  Of course, it was snarky and kind of disrespectful.  I won't be referring to him by that name.  For now, he's My New Favorite.

I am not sure what it is that has made me grow so interested in him.  We video chat occasionally and he is cute and interesting.  He seems smart, conversations never lag or grow tiring.  Of course, it might be completely different in person and assuredly, we will grow more tired of each other once we actually meet.  But, for now, he's hold my interest and I am finding him considerably more captivating.  I hope to meet him soon, but the schedules are proving to be very busy and he lives about an hour and a half from me.  So, it's not been easy to coordinate.  I am going to put him here in his own post, because he doesn't really fit very well in any of the current categories.  I will mention him in Newbies.  But this is him.

He's cute, funny, smart and we are on the same page.  He knows about the blog and we can talk openly about it's content.  He is respectful and appears to have a lot of confidence. So, we will see where it goes.  If nothing else, he's been interesting and I look forward to being friends, even if it's just temporary.    

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Past/The Fallen Ones

Train Guy
Circle Cake -
The Co-Worker -
The Player -
The Spark -
The Soldier

Busted!


They got me.  Ooops. This is the response I got upon completing my registration for Evow.com.  Guess they are on to me. 

It says "Sorry ... We asked you in 3 different ways if you are looking for a long-term relationship.  Sometimes you said you were, other times you said you were not.  To ensure that eVow remains dedicated to users seeking long-term relationships ONLY, we cannot provide you with an account."

REJECTED.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Feelings

This is the group of guys that I have feelings for and where they stand with me.

The Numero Uno.  I will let you take a wild guess ...

Lewis
You got it folks.  Lewis has taken the top position for about 4 months straight now.  He's the most solid man in my life, excluding my father and brothers.  I don't write much about him, but it's just because it's so simple and sweet.  There is nothing super interesting to write.  I get lil heart flutters when I think about him.  Moreso when I drink espresso and think about him, but nonetheless.  He's slowly grown into one of my closest friends.  We talk about our work and our lives.  We share things and we inspire/motivate each other.  When I'm down, he makes me feel better.  We have a lot in common and we are in similar places in life.  I battle with being confused about how I feel for Lewis.  Some times, I get mixed up and I get sucked back into the societal norms and mores... The ones that tell women that if a man cares about you, then he will want to be with you, love only you, make you an honest woman ... all that bullshit.  We don't expect that from our friends and my friendships are the most valuable relationships I have. That's why Lewis is a friend.  He has officially graduated.  I talk to him every day and days just aren't quite right if I don't have my daily dose of optimism and goodness.  He's honest, open, caring and I love him.  I am not sure how much longer we will have sex.  I suppose we will have sex until we just don't anymore.  But, even after the sex ends, we will have a valuable foundation that will last.


Todd
This dude is temporarily sitting here.  He's not really in the number two spot.  He's a strange number 1.  He's someone I could actually possibly see myself with.  I don't know him well enough to say for sure, but he's just funny, warm, evasive and cold enough for me to want to be with him.  I definitely wouldn't call him a friend, yet.  Maybe one day.  He never texts me without me texting him first.  He has given me some of the greatest dates of my life and the other night he came over and snuggled with me on my parent's porch.  I am baffled by him.  He's 'hot and cold' if I have ever seen it.  I am not totally myself around him.  I find myself apologizing a lot, because I feel inadequate around him.  There is a strange tension that I would like to be able to stop creating, but I don't know how to do that just yet.  It doesn't feel healthy.  It's not his fault.  Not by any means.  I have just decided to take a step back and let it be what it is.  It's an 'every once in a while' thing.  I have feelings for him and I don't mind admitting it.  But, for multiple reasons, he doesn't and can't take me seriously.  I write a blog about dating and sex and I openly see multiple people.  I do not mean to speak for him. That is not what I am doing.  This is just how I see things.  I might be way off base.  Either way, he has a lot of great qualities that put him in a special place with me.  It's not a place above or below any other man, just this spot teetering on the edge of heart and mind.  But I think I am going to tilt and let Todd fall away from the heart and toward the mind.  And we'll just see what happens.

The Beautiful One
This is a strange case, folks.  I am a bit sore about The Beautiful One.  We had a misunderstanding via text the other night and I am a lil on the feelings hurt side of things.  He wants to see me while I am in town, but I don't think that is going to happen.  He hit me up the other night while I was out with some friends and a little tipsy.  He said he wanted to see me, but when I was sober.  I liked that idea, as I am not at all a fan of drunken sex.  The whole post-bar, one-night-stand thing is about as appealing to me as having a toe in my butt (inside joke, but no, I have never had a toe in my butt and I never will.)  So, we talked about getting together another night, before I leave town.  Then, in all of my great decision making glory, I told him that I wanted to kiss him and that I had developed different feelings for him that put him above someone I was just sleeping with, but not in the place of someone I wanted a relationship with.  He's kind of in feeling purgatory.  He said I can't have them.  I thought he meant the kisses, he actually meant the feelings.  Either way, I have to take a step back from this one as well.  Not just the small mental step back I am taking with Todd.  I am actually probably not going to see The Beautiful One again.  It pains me to say it, but the time we spend sitting on his bed talking and joking around versus the time we spend actually having sex leaves me too open for feelings.  As I said, I don't want a relationship with him or anyone else, for that matter, but I don't think it's natural to stifle feelings and I think that is what he would like me to do.  So, the chapter of The Beautiful One (and his beautiful hip bone area) will come to a close.  Such is life.

Then, there's ...

Sean
I don't have a lot to say about Sean.  He's fucking hard to figure out.  He's never hot and cold.  He's consistently either my friend or he is missing in action.  He's been in my life for about 5 or 6 years.  We have sort of had sex once or at least started, before a faulty condom ruined the fun.  We used to spend tons of time together and we have recently been talking and texting again.  Sean was a contentious subject in past relationships.  No one felt that he was just a friend... they were probably right.  But now he just bounces back and forth between possibly coming to visit and someone that I might never see again for the rest of my life.  Who knows.  It is what it is.  I just have no gotdamned clue what that 'is' is.

The next group are The Newbies.  Stay tuned for the next post.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

An Update, A Collection, A Close

I have been neglecting my blog.  Everyone gets busy.  We all have those things that we let slip through the cracks a bit.  I thought I would do a not so quick summary for you guys to let you know where things stand with me.  It will be a series of posts, outlining where I stand.  Here goes.

Me
I have kind of been all over the place.  I got back to New England and got lonely.  I don't have nearly as many friends there.  It's cold and I got a bit confused.  I am not sure if it is the pressure of my work load, or if it is just a natural progression or phase that people/I will go through.  But, I started thinking a lot about a relationship.  Of course, being all over the place means that I think about a relationship and I actively do nothing to change my position.  I am still dating/sleeping with more than one guy.  The only difference is, I get my feelings hurt when they don't have feelings for me or if they don't take me seriously.  It was time to take a step back and evaluate what it is I want.  But, after doing that for about 5 minutes, I remembered the more important question.  What do I need?

I need a minute to breath.  I need to stop getting emotionally involved and look at me.  I realized that in being single and dating multiple men, I have just become wrapped up in multiple relationships instead of just one.  The beauty is the honesty and diversity.  I have been honest with these men and I get to sleep with/enjoy the company of more than one guy, but my head is starting to spin.  I have a select few men that I really do have feelings for, then I have this river of guys that I have trouble keeping names straight with.  There is this hierarchy that has naturally come about.  I am hoping after I write this series of posts and think for a bit, I will start to figure out what I want and what I need.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Positions

I was talking to my newest favorite today (I'll explain later.)  Anyway, he asked me what my favorite position is.  I responded that it is different with different people, but I really like it from behind.  I wouldn't say that this is the best position ever.  I don't really orgasm this way very often, but I enjoy it.

So, this started a search, both mental and internet based, regarding sexual positions.  My first click led me to a pretty funny site.  It's described as making sex passionate and intimate.  What are people doing?  Why is sex just now becoming passionate or intimate.  I get that it isn't always this way, but why is it never this way for some people?  So, there is this website and it has this video.  I just tried to think of an adjective to describe the video, but it doesn't deserve one.  I stopped watching less than half way through.

When I was talking to The Favorite, we briefly chatted about head games.  Yes, the actual head games where a man or a woman tell a person things to make it easier to get what they want.  That's what led to the sexual positions question.  Just bear with me, people.  So, as I peruse the second site, I see a position called "The Head Game."  Here's the link.  I would love to try it, but I'm 5'10" and I don't think my neck bends that way.  But the angling seems genius and I do yoga.  I think I'm gonna give it a go.  I will have to call in one of my 6'4"ers for this one.  And pray his big ass doesn't break my neck.  If I still have use of my hands after, I will let you know how it goes.

The next one I saw that made me smile was The Pinwheel.  It took my mind back to a night with Lewis.  That was the night when I realized how very compatible he and I were sexually.  I mean, we are compatible in lots of ways, but The Pinwheel just really made me realize my feelings for him.  I will explain those later.

Moving on, The Bootyful View is always a winner.  The Dirty Dangle just sounds disgusting.  The Erotic End is my shit and The Bed Spread is lovely when you have a bed high enough.  The Love Seat is aight, but is only good for certain men, depending on what they like.  Some guys want you to sit on them and make small movements, while others need a wider range of movement.  Then there are those that like it all.

Well, I don't really have anything else to say.  I am going to continue my sex positions browse and write more for you guys.  I don't think this post really needs a conclusion.

Friday, October 8, 2010

The Kid


The tale of my worst one night stand is sort of worth telling. Sort of. Maybe not.  It was a combination of bad judgment and desperation.  I had just broken up with a boyfriend and I was in a bad place.  My bad place, about 5 Jamesons and some poor random kid at the bar led to one of the least interesting, most awkward, least fulfilling sexual experiences in my history. 

As I said, I was in a bad place.  I didn’t have all of my wits about me and I wasn’t yet one with my sexuality.  I was still using it to fill some void or to cover up bad memories and feelings.  Some poor guy at my favorite bar fell victim to all of these factors.  He didn’t realize he was a victim.  He seemed to really enjoy the 25 year old me.  Little did he know, the 30 year old me would start a blog, accounting sexual experiences and put him on blast.  He’s probably all of 24 now.  Yeah … I am afraid his ill fate had a lot to do with the fact that he was probably all of 19 at the time of the ... incident.  He told me he was 21, but this experience taught me to start checking for valid ID at the door.  State issued only.  I hope to one day be able to afford the little black light to make sure the IDs aren’t something made in a shotgun house in fifth ward.  Yep.  One day I’ll be legit.  Until then, I just have to do a cross comparison with the kid from that night.  If there are too many similarities, dude has to head on home. 

So, back to that fateful night…  I was on a streak. I was newly single and broken hearted. The Kid wouldn't be the first guy to see my bed that month and he wouldn't be the last.  My good friend and I decided to hit up one of the neighborhood bars to check out a hip hop (using the term loosely) show.  As I said, I had a few too many Jamesons and essentially picked a young man out of the crowd.  I am sure he was ok looking, but who cares.  This isn’t a story about a hot one night tryst.  It’s a tale of drunken sex with a random dude that probably used his cousin RayRay’s ID to get into the bar.  Hey, I never said this was a glowing account of my judgment.  It’s bad.

It went like this… Too many drinks, a look across a bar, a sloppy pick up that probably went something like “Do you want to have sex with me?”  We established that he had no car.  So, I asked my friend if she minded one more on the ride back to my place.  She didn’t.  However, she did kinda mind the stop at the pharmacy so I could buy condoms.  This was my best decision of the night, people.  Having my friend stop at the pharmacy while she and some random, nameless guy waited in the car for me to buy condoms.  This was the high point of the night.  

My friend dropped me and random dude off and we spent the first few minutes in my living room looking at random shit on the internet and if I’m not mistaken, he was kind enough to play me some of his music. I’m not going to say I remember it at all, but I doubt it was good.  I am willing to bet that it sounded like most of the music made on the South Side of Houston by 19 year old would be rappers.  Then I fucked him.  Look, there’s no hot lead it.  It was pretty much just like that … He played me some clips of him rapping, then we had sex. 

I think the sex sobered me up a bit.  I remember he was small.  And, I remember he was very fast.  We had sex around 5 times in the course of about 45 minutes.  Yeah.  I’m not exaggerating.  I wish I was.  I never came close to an orgasm and I remember just hoping as he quickly did his business that each one would be the last.  But, I brought him there and he was very enthusiastic, so I just forced myself to put on a happy face and bear it.  Then I passed out.

The next morning, I drove him back to his mama’s house on my way to work.  As he exited my car, a group of guys standing on his porch yelled out that (Man’s Name) had been shot the night before, but he was okay.  This was just about the only interesting detail of this encounter.  As he closed the door, he leaned toward the window.  “Can I have your number?”  The most humane thing I could think to do was say “No” and just drive away. As I drove away, I could hear a combination of chatter about who I was and the shooting the night before.  I sincerely hope that the young man and his friend are both alive and well, but I wouldn’t be able to point him out in a crowd, so I will never know.  It doesn’t matter.  The moral of this story is, if you are going to pick up a 19 year old at a bar and have horrible sex with him, make sure you have a friend around to witness it all and give you shit for the next 5 years.  And give the guy cab fare, don’t drive him back to his mama’s house.  It can only end badly.  

About Me

My photo
I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
There was an error in this gadget