Saturday, July 31, 2010
I Am Obsessed With Sex.
To give you a glimpse into the kind of girl I can be when the mood strikes me – I’m giving you limited access inside my head. Earlier today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I observed the clerk as she held up an unusually large cantaloupe and asked the older woman next to me the million dollar question: “Can you believe how big this is?’
I felt a that’s what she said moment coming on and had to put my hand over my mouth to stop it.
Yes, I am a 13 year old boy.
My latest outlet for my sexual obsession had been mulling over the invites for casual sex on Craigslist - complete with nude pictures and surprisingly entertaining sexual suggestions. My curiosity had outgrown my daily reading over the seedy personal ads of Craigslist and I decided to sign up for a Swinger’s lifestyle website. I’m not sure what I wanted to come from it, but it was something for me to peruse to help beat the boredom of being jobless.
After laboring for hours over my profile, trying to think of the best way to bait the most swingers, I came up with a pretty impressive write up. It’s just like fishing…except instead of fish, I’m reeling in poles…(see..it comes and goes.) I doctored up a picture of myself, a description of likes and dislikes and of fantasies that I longed to fulfill through the website. I clicked submit and waited for my biters.
I received about 10 emails in the first 20 minutes. I must say that I was impressed - as impressed as any girl would be putting herself up on a Swinger website.
Most of the mail was from single men who immediately gave me their address, time to meet and contact information. I pictured what the hell I would do if I actually did answer one of their emails.
“Hi, I’m Audrey and yes I would like to have sex with you. What’s your name again???”
The other emails were from real hard core swingers. The type of couples who live in the Woodlands with their 4 kids and 2 dogs and who claim to be a 100 percent in love and only looking to spice up their 20 year old marriage. Responding to these emails takes more work because they want only other swinger couples and they require a quasi friendship before fucking. So my little make believe profile which had me named April, has now transformed me into a housewife married to a successful, but emotionally distant surgeon. April, the housewife that lunched, shopped and toked most of her days, wanted an outlet like this to get rid of some of her frustration. You know… because I was always being ignored by my pretend surgeon.
I spent hours on end browsing profiles of all kinds of shapes and sizes. There were profiles with perfect bodies advertising taglines like “Insert Here” to older ones that had “It still works”. I joined in on chats and engaged in full blown conversations about what my husband and my sex life was like, what I was going to cook him for dinner, and how I could get us invited to the next swinger party being hosted at “Candy and Jack’s”. I was determined to get “Best New Swinger” added to my profile.
I spent 14 hours in one day attached to my laptop waiting for new mail and what the next person or couple had to say about my profile
I had a sickness.
Another 24 hours passed and I found myself without Internet access. I figured I would be okay and would just swing by my parents at the end of the week to check up on my online life. I thought my absence from the website meant my inbox would be chockfull of emails from all kinds of people just waiting for a response from me.
Did I mention I had a sickness?
I imagined all that unopened mail full of salacious words ready for me to devour. I started to salivate and twitch and needed to get a hold of a computer a.s.a.p.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I found myself at the unemployment office. Now, I usually go there to look at my obligatory job searches and fax over a w-9 form or two. But that day I was smack in the middle of two men who really looked like they were down on their luck and searching for their next meal ticket. It is there that I was trying to look at my newfound swinger’s website filled with pornographic pictures plastered up as soon as you log in. I was trying my best to position my body so that neither of the men, if they so happened to glance over, would be able to see.
I stopped before I started to read my mail, which was only 5 unread and 2 of those 5 from someone I had spoken with already. I minimized the screen and, in that moment, realized that I could actually be using this time to find out what I really want from this time in my life. Or, shit, I could, at the least, go get my nails done.
I brought the screen back up and ventured over to my account where I could find the button necessary to delete my profile.
It was with that swift click that my life as April the Swinger ended.
Friday, July 30, 2010
For a moment I was at a loss for words or at least a good counterpoint.
She was standing there looking her absolute hottest while non-verbally asking, "So what now?"...and I had nothing.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
- A Good Text/Instant Message Man - He's witty. I don't really care how great he looks, if he lives with his folks or has a job or car. We will just exchange funny texts every once in a while anyway. *This can also be any of the following men gone wrong. You can be demoted.
- The Good One Night Stand Man - I have to be very physically attracted to him. If that's all he's there for, he has to be a 9, at least. He's good in bed, free of disease. Has his own place, so we have somewhere to go. He has change for a dollar so I can catch the bus in the morning.
- The Good Every Once in a While Man - Same requirements as above. In addition to being able to make change, he should occasionally be able to give me a ride home, like when it rains.
- The Good Repeat Man - All of the above and a job or passion that keeps him busy and paying his bills. My friends should like him. He's not my boyfriend, but he's bound to be around my friends occasionally. I have to have a crush on him. He's super smart and kinda nerdy. This is the one I like. The "bottom man," if you will. He will probably eventually be a friend, instead of falling by the wayside.
- The Good Marrying Man - He needs to have the sense to know I'm not that lady. He should just keep his distance, lest he be very disappointed.
That having been said, I never set out and look for these things in anyone. If a guy approaches me and is cute, clean, doesn't frequently hang on Washington and he has good breath, I will give him a chance. After talking for a bit, I can decide if I want to move forward. This is normally a very organic process. Whether in person or online, stuff just takes a flow of its own. It's different for every guy. Some guys won't get past the Text/Instant Message Stage. And a lucky few will have a dope friend for life.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
- Kama Sutra's Top 10 Positions (Don't watch the video, though. I don't want you to get fired.)
- I'm not going to link 'how to talk about sex.' Talking is easy. Just lean over to your lover and say ... "I want to be better in bed. Let's go practice." I guarantee you will get a positive response.
- How to Masturbate (Pleasing yourself is first above pleasing anyone else.)
- Sex Tips From Some Strange White Couple
- Don't Click This At Work - Porn - Pornstars know a thing or two about sex. Observe.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
NOTE: The views expressed in this blog post are not those of Poly. Poly does not condone the use of "Sweaty ass hole" as a term to describe her beloved Houston.
It took me two days to realize
...that this guy I ran into a few nights ago at the bar, was a dude that I ... wait, wait.
Little bit of a back story on him. He's hot. That's really all you need to know. I met him last year in the sweaty ass hole that is Houston.
He's not usually the type of guy I go for, he's about 5'8 and my age; Mid-twenties. Any who ... I ran into him at a bar a few nights ago. I saw him out of the corner of my eye and he smiled at me. I didn't recognize him. I walked by and he yelled my name. "Natalia! How are you?" My response was empty and I searched for a name in my head... who the fuck is this guy and why do I get the feeling that I know him on a personal level. Two nights later it clicked. I don't really remember how it happened, but I took him back to my place and he tied me up to the bed and had his way with me ... It was a hot 3 hour session: he whispered the dirtiest things into my ear and made me scream out his name while he used his belt to smack my ass, I was exhausted. By the time he left my vagina was swollen and irritated. I ran to the ice box as soon as he left and rubbed myself with ice cubes all night. Hot? Hell nah, that shit was cold and I couldn't feel it after a while. But I'd so rather not feel my vagina than have an irritated one. I never heard from him again. That's fine, I'd rather have just one awesome fuck than a tainted relationship. And that's how I know him... figured out his name last night. It's one of those things that makes you smile on a rainy day when you are alone at home and have time to wonder "what happened to that dude/chic I hooked up with last summer... that was fun." So what keeps me from having this on a daily bases? I don't know I keep asking myself that... hmmm, should I call him?
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This is a compilation of messages in my online dating inbox. Enjoy.
Major props on the hair, seriously. It's the hair cut of the gods. I've had that cut for like, god damn, 9 years now at least. Hair is for pussies. I think we'd get along just grand. When should we start making mistakes? Perhaps I've made one (or more) already.
C'est la vie.
Hair is for pussies?
Here in Houston for days, Here is a little something to brighten your day (This track is lovely)
The message not so bad. The music, however ....
But everyone used it as chip dip when it was clearly a dessert topping. Now I'm a completely serious and somber person.
Your guess is as good as mine.
This is simple and to the point, but I am not sure how to respond to this one.
Hi there. I'm $@#^.
I just found your profile and wanted to write to say hello and see if we could chat. But there's a little confusion... are you up north now, or just visiting Houston for the summer?
I'll be up front and explain that I'm not necessarily looking for a full relationship kind of thing. I'm just kind of looking for someone cool to get to know and hang with, and then see where it leads.
But what are your thoughts about age? Something you are open minded about? Is it just a number, or just a state of mind? Do you like guys that are older than you? Can you be cool hanging out with a guy who's a little older and more mature?
Well, check out my profile, and I hope to hear back from you.
Wonder if he's older than me....?
Did you go to Northeastern?
I didn't but I'd like to know because you seem legit.
Legit people only go to Northeastern.
Are you really attending a college in New England? The reason I ask is because that's where I'm from.
I didn't respond.
The next day, I got this from the same guy ...
Hey...sorry my email wasn't hilarious. Thought I'd say hi based on a commonality. But maybe that part of your profile was supposed to be funny. Who knows..
Hi Hoe. How are you?
Did he just call me a hoe?
I wasn’t going to write this. I was going to retire Lewis as a character and call it a day. But Maria said this would make me a fake. The only problem is, in writing this, I don’t just admit it to you. I have to admit it to myself. Not to mention, Lewis will see it too. But, if it’s going to be real, it has to be real. If I don't say this, I will be lying to you guys. So, here it is. Confession time.
I have feelings for Lewis. It’s simple. It’s not casual sex. It's not a hook up. It’s long phone conversations, instant messaging, texting, kissing, sleeping together. We are walking dangerously. Things are different with him. I think about him and I smile. I think about him and I get wet. When I am around him, it strikes me to kiss his cheek or brush his hand with mine. I’ve said it before. Lewis is the Achilles heel of my serial dating. He brings the complications. He also brings laughter, excitement, orgasms and a slew of other really appealing things. But, the other night he laid his head on my chest and fell asleep and all I could think was, "Back away from the boy, Poly." I spent the next two days seriously considering never seeing him again. That didn't happen. We have talked about staying in touch when I leave Houston at the end of summer and I don’t know how I feel about that. That's like making plans and I am not in a place to be making plans with anyone. We will just see how that goes.
In my old life, I would have been all for keeping in touch. I would have stopped dating and started building and planning. In my mind, I would be painting us together. Any time I liked a guy, I did that. I thought of the future and never once did my painted future come to be. The dreams weren’t realistic. They were wishes that I turned into my truth, but not The Truth.
All that having been said, it doesn’t change anything. I'm not going to stop dating. I am not interested in monogamy or a structured relationship with agreements and responsibilities. I am merging my truth with The Truth. This is real. This is what it is. We have a relationship, because all people have some sort of relationship with each other. We have respect, but we do not have expectations or obligations in relation to each other. So, Lewis and I won’t be painted together in my mind. We won’t be mentally built into something that will never be. We will just keep enjoying each other, until I go. That’s all I know for now. Lewis has me confused. But at least I know I’m confused and I don’t think it’s more than it is. Just some harmless feelings.
*Footnote - These posts are hard to write knowing the men in them are readers of the blog. Next time I am compelled to hold back, I won't. I will do my best to keep it totally honest and keep writing like no one is reading.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
- Poly Amory
- I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
- ► 2011 (78)
- Monogamy Isn't All Bad
- Letters from Readers - My Life As April The Swinge...
- Letters From Readers - A Man
- The Serial Dater's Definitions - A Good Man
- Bad Sex, With Mr. Apologies
- The Spark
- Self Help 101
- Letters From Natalia
- Letters From Readers - The One Second? Man
- The Sacrificial Ego
- My Life as a Lesbian
- About Last Night ...
- Moment of Truth
- Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick
- Letters From Natalia
- Flirtation and The White Boy
- Sex Mission with The Beautiful One
- The Friends
- The Hierarchy of Dating
- The Lover
- Safe Lovin'
- Letters From Readers - Locked In Monogamy
- The Legend of Circle Cake
- I Would Sooner Be Alone
- It's a Numbers Game
- Dick Lingo By Dicky
- The Beautiful One ... Continued
- My Trip to Meet a Stranger (The Beautiful One)
- Last-Minute Man
- The Accidental Prostitute
- Letters From Friends
- Online Dating
- I Own This. It's My Story.
- Serial Dater - Defined
- ▼ July (38)