Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Letters From Readers - The One Second? Man

Dear Poly,

So, luv the blog.. Since I too am a serial dater, not really by choice it just happened post kid.. but lets skip the extra.. I am dating a fine, attractive, wonderful man, whose smart, great to talk to and has an awesome sense of humor. Drum roll please ... but he is a minute man.. I mean really kinda close to a second man? What do I do? I mean I feel it is shallow to break it off for bad sex but I mean the frustration is the same minus the companionship? Just wanted to know your thoughts..


Hey Lady,

Apparently, you are just too damn fine for ol' dude. Tone it down, wear a burka.

All jokes aside, I just have a few things to say. No one can tell you the "best" thing to do. But, here's what I would do:
(I'm a fan of bullet points, so here goes.)

  • He sounds like a great guy to spend time with. Don't get rid of him without communicating first. Talk to him about this issue. I know it's not the most pleasant of conversations, but if he wants to be with you, he needs to be able to please you and he needs to be man enough to accept that he's not handlin' up. My best sex comes with communication.
  • Ask for head. Men are strange about this. Some just jump in and go for the gold. Others are apprehensive when it comes to going down on a woman, because they aren't sure you want it. Tell him you want it. If he won't do it, then he needs to be masturbating with his hand and not using you for his self-gratification.
  • Head can't do it all. Vaginal orgasms are the steak where head is the potatoes. You guys have to figure something out so that he can go long enough to make you cum. There is no shame in stopping when he's about to climax and giving him a minute to pull it together. If he won't stop, he's just being selfish. But, a clitoral orgasm from head can prime you to be able to climax a little quicker, as well. Then you guys can meet in the middle.
  • If he has more stamina after his initial climax, you guys can have a primer run and then do a longer run once he gets hard again. This takes a little longer, but sex isn't fun if it's always rushed.
It all boils down to communication. Tell him you can't cum in one second. Not many women can. I think 1 minute was my minimum and I was masturbating and late for work. No man has ever been able to do it like I can. The thing is, you don't have to communicate with yourself. You know what you want. Don't expect him to know and don't make him guess. Tell him what you need. If he is receptive and gets better at pleasing you, then you have a new best friend. If he tries and it doesn't work out, keep him around for dates and have another guy for sex. But, be open and honest. He'll respect it even if he doesn't like it.

Yours Truly,

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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