Sunday, July 25, 2010

Moment of Truth

I wasn’t going to write this. I was going to retire Lewis as a character and call it a day. But Maria said this would make me a fake. The only problem is, in writing this, I don’t just admit it to you. I have to admit it to myself. Not to mention, Lewis will see it too. But, if it’s going to be real, it has to be real. If I don't say this, I will be lying to you guys. So, here it is. Confession time.

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I have feelings for Lewis. It’s simple. It’s not casual sex. It's not a hook up. It’s long phone conversations, instant messaging, texting, kissing, sleeping together. We are walking dangerously. Things are different with him. I think about him and I smile. I think about him and I get wet. When I am around him, it strikes me to kiss his cheek or brush his hand with mine. I’ve said it before. Lewis is the Achilles heel of my serial dating. He brings the complications. He also brings laughter, excitement, orgasms and a slew of other really appealing things. But, the other night he laid his head on my chest and fell asleep and all I could think was, "Back away from the boy, Poly." I spent the next two days seriously considering never seeing him again. That didn't happen. We have talked about staying in touch when I leave Houston at the end of summer and I don’t know how I feel about that. That's like making plans and I am not in a place to be making plans with anyone. We will just see how that goes.

In my old life, I would have been all for keeping in touch. I would have stopped dating and started building and planning. In my mind, I would be painting us together. Any time I liked a guy, I did that. I thought of the future and never once did my painted future come to be. The dreams weren’t realistic. They were wishes that I turned into my truth, but not The Truth.

All that having been said, it doesn’t change anything. I'm not going to stop dating. I am not interested in monogamy or a structured relationship with agreements and responsibilities. I am merging my truth with The Truth. This is real. This is what it is. We have a relationship, because all people have some sort of relationship with each other. We have respect, but we do not have expectations or obligations in relation to each other. So, Lewis and I won’t be painted together in my mind. We won’t be mentally built into something that will never be. We will just keep enjoying each other, until I go. That’s all I know for now. Lewis has me confused. But at least I know I’m confused and I don’t think it’s more than it is. Just some harmless feelings.

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*Footnote - These posts are hard to write knowing the men in them are readers of the blog. Next time I am compelled to hold back, I won't. I will do my best to keep it totally honest and keep writing like no one is reading.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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