Saturday, July 17, 2010

I Own This. It's My Story.

Originally titled: Body Image and The Change.

I am not talking about menopause. That's a different blog altogether. I am talking about the change I went through when I realized that my sexual appetite was healthy; When I realized that my sexuality was something to enjoy and that my body was not only a temple to be respected, but also a privilege to be cherished and a playground to be enjoyed.

I grew up in a society that frequently associates women's sexuality with revenge, jealousy, anger or submission. For a long time, I bought into the idea that being a sexually charged woman was somehow dirty; the idea that my sex life was to be hidden and my lust made me a slut. So, like many young women do, I tucked my sexuality away and only brought it out for special occasions. When I hid my sexuality and felt ashamed, I felt ugly. I am pretty sure no one likes feeling ugly. It's horrible. And it's not just about my outside appearance. When I cloaked my sexuality I felt sneaky and when sexual thoughts and impulses did sneak to the surface, I felt ashamed. I have always been flirtatious in nature. When I am ashamed, I feel unattractive and my happy, charming flirtation is stifled.

The closer I have gotten to 30, the better life has gotten. I have the confidence of a woman and the excitement of someone that has finally been freed of the confines of appearance and judgment. I can speak openly and eloquently (for the most part) about my sexuality. I never disrespect people's views and opinions, but I also never allow anyone's views or opinions to disrespect me. I can only imagine what life will be like as I mature and grow. Cliche in 5...4...3...2... I am comfortable in my own skin. I finally get what that means. I feel attractive and I feel sexy. I enjoy my body and my lust and I am happy to let other healthy, respectful individuals enjoy these things with me.

The best part of my transformation is - I can have sex and date without guilt. I am a good person and I am working on growing a thicker skin. Blogging is helping with that; The feedback has been mainly positive, but the negative has come fully equipped with below the belt swings. Luckily none of them have landed or hit home. So, I am going to keep telling my story and I am going to focus on the voices that have been raised to say they are happy I have found mine.
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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.