Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Dick Lingo By Dicky

This evening, I found myself in a NorthSide dive bar. My friend, Maria and I frequent these spots, as they are close to our parents' homes. So, I am in this dive bar attempting conversation over the country music and cigarette smoke. (Yes... outside of the Houston city limits, you can still smoke indoors. Disgusting.) We were there to celebrate the marriage of her brother and his new wife. The conversation was mainly about conflicts that had occurred between brides' maids and other family. No one was comfortable with the conversation at hand. Being the natural hostess that I am, I decide to take the conversation to a place where everyone could just relax and join in. "Have any of you had anal sex? I am thinking about trying it." Just as I thought, everyone had advice. The Bride told me to only do it if I had "Gun Oil" lubricant. Maria said I should only do it if I plan to be on top so that I can "control the rhythm" and "do it at my pace". Then, Dicky laid his wisdom on the group. "Only do it if the man is packing no more than a 'pecker.'" What?

Dicky then laid out the "Dick Lingo." This was the terminology that goes along with dick sizes. As this was the first time I have heard this, I assume it will be the first time for many of you, as well. Enjoy.

We start with the "Schlong." This is the biggest dick known to man and womankind. You never agree to let a Schlong-packing man enter through the exit. Never.

Then we move on to the "Cock." This is a big big mufuckah. He goes into the category with "Dick" bearers. You only let these guys in the ass if you really really love them. If you care about them and its a special circumstance, like they might be dying, you can consider it.

If you are just curious, you start at the "Penis." This is an average size. It's moderate. It fits with those that use the term. I never say penis. It's always a dick or a cock for me. Draw your own conclusions.

Dicky claimed to be the perfect anal partner. He is packing a "Pecker." It's nothing to brag about, but it won't hurt much and it's pretty much only good for anal or women under 4'7".

Then, there is the "Wiener"/"Ding-A-Ling." There is no need to draw any distinction at this point. You would never know the difference. You may not even know he is in "the room." This is a step up from a finger. Maybe.

So, if you are like me and you haven't ventured into the back yard, you might find Maria, Dicky and the Bride's advice useful.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.