I Am Obsessed With Sex.
To give you a glimpse into the kind of girl I can be when the mood strikes me – I’m giving you limited access inside my head. Earlier today, while standing in line at the grocery store, I observed the clerk as she held up an unusually large cantaloupe and asked the older woman next to me the million dollar question: “Can you believe how big this is?’
I felt a that’s what she said moment coming on and had to put my hand over my mouth to stop it.
Yes, I am a 13 year old boy.
My latest outlet for my sexual obsession had been mulling over the invites for casual sex on Craigslist - complete with nude pictures and surprisingly entertaining sexual suggestions. My curiosity had outgrown my daily reading over the seedy personal ads of Craigslist and I decided to sign up for a Swinger’s lifestyle website. I’m not sure what I wanted to come from it, but it was something for me to peruse to help beat the boredom of being jobless.
After laboring for hours over my profile, trying to think of the best way to bait the most swingers, I came up with a pretty impressive write up. It’s just like fishing…except instead of fish, I’m reeling in poles…(see..it comes and goes.) I doctored up a picture of myself, a description of likes and dislikes and of fantasies that I longed to fulfill through the website. I clicked submit and waited for my biters.
I received about 10 emails in the first 20 minutes. I must say that I was impressed - as impressed as any girl would be putting herself up on a Swinger website.
Most of the mail was from single men who immediately gave me their address, time to meet and contact information. I pictured what the hell I would do if I actually did answer one of their emails.
“Hi, I’m Audrey and yes I would like to have sex with you. What’s your name again???”
The other emails were from real hard core swingers. The type of couples who live in the Woodlands with their 4 kids and 2 dogs and who claim to be a 100 percent in love and only looking to spice up their 20 year old marriage. Responding to these emails takes more work because they want only other swinger couples and they require a quasi friendship before fucking. So my little make believe profile which had me named April, has now transformed me into a housewife married to a successful, but emotionally distant surgeon. April, the housewife that lunched, shopped and toked most of her days, wanted an outlet like this to get rid of some of her frustration. You know… because I was always being ignored by my pretend surgeon.
I spent hours on end browsing profiles of all kinds of shapes and sizes. There were profiles with perfect bodies advertising taglines like “Insert Here” to older ones that had “It still works”. I joined in on chats and engaged in full blown conversations about what my husband and my sex life was like, what I was going to cook him for dinner, and how I could get us invited to the next swinger party being hosted at “Candy and Jack’s”. I was determined to get “Best New Swinger” added to my profile.
I spent 14 hours in one day attached to my laptop waiting for new mail and what the next person or couple had to say about my profile
I had a sickness.
Another 24 hours passed and I found myself without Internet access. I figured I would be okay and would just swing by my parents at the end of the week to check up on my online life. I thought my absence from the website meant my inbox would be chockfull of emails from all kinds of people just waiting for a response from me.
Did I mention I had a sickness?
I imagined all that unopened mail full of salacious words ready for me to devour. I started to salivate and twitch and needed to get a hold of a computer a.s.a.p.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I found myself at the unemployment office. Now, I usually go there to look at my obligatory job searches and fax over a w-9 form or two. But that day I was smack in the middle of two men who really looked like they were down on their luck and searching for their next meal ticket. It is there that I was trying to look at my newfound swinger’s website filled with pornographic pictures plastered up as soon as you log in. I was trying my best to position my body so that neither of the men, if they so happened to glance over, would be able to see.
I stopped before I started to read my mail, which was only 5 unread and 2 of those 5 from someone I had spoken with already. I minimized the screen and, in that moment, realized that I could actually be using this time to find out what I really want from this time in my life. Or, shit, I could, at the least, go get my nails done.
I brought the screen back up and ventured over to my account where I could find the button necessary to delete my profile.
It was with that swift click that my life as April the Swinger ended.