Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Life as a Lesbian

Ok. I am not a lesbian. I am not heterosexual. I am not bisexual or pansexual. We sure as hell know I'm not asexual. My sexuality bears no prefix. Everything in my life is fluid and ever evolving. My sexuality is no different. I can't nail it down long enough to get a good look at it or give it a name. It has a history, a present and (hopefully) a future.

A Short History of My Sexuality ~

In the beginning, there was a simple kiss. A girl kissed me in the woods behind her church on NYE. Yep, and it was a Mormon church.

Making out followed soon after. This started late in life. I was 16 the first time I really made out. There were multiple boys. It was fun and new.

Next, a failed attempt at masturbation. I would pick this task back up later in life and knock it outta the park. But in the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing.

Then, sex. Only one boy for a while, then a one night stand, then boyfriends ... for a long long time.

And then ... there were women.

I went away to school and what had been an idle attraction to women, became a lesson in the sapphic arts. This began with a teacher. She was great for the beginning. There were other partners to follow, all very temporary. It always started with long, intellectual conversation ... it always ended with long intellectual conversation. But, in the middle, there was kissing and exploring.

I developed a full out attraction to women. I watched them as they walked. I hit on them whenever the opportunity surfaced. I started paying attention to them in a way I never had. My relationship with women had once been about insecurity. If there was a beautiful woman in the room, I felt inferior. Not anymore. Now, if there is a beautiful woman in the room, I try to get to know her. I pay attention to what she says. If I meet a smart woman, what used to be jealousy is now intrigue. I want to be around these types of women. It doesn't make me feel insecure anymore ... it makes me feel empowered.

I respect women in a way I never could before. There is something about grabbing the attention of a beautiful, smart woman that is unlike the attention of their counterparts. After laying with a woman, I adore them. My relationships with women are better now. Even with my girlfriends and they are like family to me. I have no attraction to them. Under their dresses, they might as well be as smooth as a Barbie Doll, because, to me, they are nonsexual beings.

I love men. Society taught me that it was okay to do so, to a certain degree. I pushed those limits and I have a whole different relationship with men than I used to. I have real friendships with my lovers.

I love women. Not much in society really taught me that that was okay. I was supposed to compete with them for the love of men. We were supposed to be catty with each other; constantly competing. My relationship with women and sexuality should have invoked feelings of jealousy, instead, I found lust and respect.

Pleasing a woman is a great feeling. I am not sure that it will happen again, but I definitely won't say it won't. And I am truly thankful that it did. Loving women has allowed me to see sexuality in a whole new light. I am more confident and a better lover, thanks to a few wonderful women.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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