Friday, April 29, 2011

Congress Of The Cow

It's not what you think. But, it's serious. I've been getting dry during doggy style sex. I tried to find alternate names for it. 'Doggy style' isn't my favorite term, but referring to it by it's Latin, 'Coitus a tergo' seemed a little much. And, I feel like 'rear entry' could also refer to butt sex and that is not what I'm talking about. Also, the Kama Sutra describes it as "the congress of a cow." Not a chance in fucking hell I'm calling it the congress of the cow. So, for the purpose of this post, I am stuck using the colloquial 'doggy style,' because upon further research, it was on the less-offensive side. Go figure.

Anyway, this evening I was sitting with my friends, Leslie and Sandy, and we were doing the kinds of things we usually do. They were studying and writing papers and I was working on a website I'm making for a project.  (Shameless art plug ... here.) So, we were studying and browsing/sharing porn. And, I noticed something in an amateur video and it brought a question to mind. (Yes, I enjoy amateur porn these days. But it has to be done right. Sometimes you have to wade through the ocean of ass fisting and pregnant Czech chicks to find good ones, but, trust me, they are there. And if you haven't lost your appetite by the time you find a good one, it can be very nice.)

Back to what I was saying, I was perusing the amateur section of one of the new porn sites I found and during a lovely shared personal moment, I noticed that the couple stopped because she had gotten dry a minute after they switched to doggy style. This brought to mind my problem.  Doggy style is my favorite position, when done right. I really enjoy it. So, pleasure is not the problem. I like it and it feels good, but about five minutes in, I turn to the fucking Sahara. It's not okay. This doesn't happen to me.

Sure, I have the occasional dryness, but it's never a problem. It happens when I'm not feeling a guy, when he's not putting in the work I am. It happens when I have a lot on my mind or I get sidetracked or distracted. It happens at the normal times and it doesn't happen often. Normally, I am wet as soon as they kiss my neck or touch me anywhere.  It takes a little extra touching if I've just been waken up, but if I'm feelin it, it happens like clockwork. I am pretty down for whatever whenever.

But, when it comes to doggy style, I get dry.  I tried Googling it and wasn't really sure what keywords to use. The search didn't yield any helpful information. I've never addressed the subject with any friends, because it's never come up. But, I need some input here. What the hell?

There is some physical reason why I get dry when in that position. I really believe it's beyond a mental block. It happens quicker if I am face down, ass up. There's something about the inversion of the pelvis. I know that when one is on her period, and she inverts her pelvis (dancing, pilates or yoga) it actually shuts down her menstruation. Is inversion or the position of all fours making me dry? If I am flat on my stomach, it doesn't happen, and as soon as I am out of the all fours position, I am flowing like normal.

No other position does this, and it's become an ongoing mystery to me. It doesn't happen every time, but it happens often enough that I would call it a trend. And, so I'm curious if anyone else has this issue. I'm really not feelin it and I'm not sure that there is anything I can do to change it.  But, you better believe I will be paying close attention when it does and doesn't happen and I will be adjusting my actions accordingly. Now, I just need someone to practice/experiment with. What do you say? Anyone down for a little congress of the cow?

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Clean Slate

Lately, my posts have been sporadic and uninformative. This blog has become a place for me to vent and make attempts to keep posting regularly.  That's changing now. I have cleaned my slate.  A lot of things have come to the surface and I am realizing a lot about myself.  The past year has been a great journey.  I have never learned more about myself than in the past year. I have actually learned a lot in the past 3 years.

I came back to school. I left a job and a long-term relationship. I left my friends and family and I moved across the country. I experienced snowy winters.  I went back and forth with my ex for a while.  I took a year off from dating and spent that time focusing on my studies.  I had a crazy summer, followed by a crazy fall. I had the most exciting/best sex of my life and managed to do it all while still making good grades. And, if everything goes as planned, in two weeks, I will graduate with honors.

It has been a phenomenal year.  And it has culminated into one very trying week. I suffered a minor spinal injury, but that wasn't even the big thing. I started my strengthening exercises today and I am feeling better already. It will take some work, but I will bounce back from this in no time and I will do whatever it takes to keep my body healthy and in shape.

But, lately I have been wondering if I have the same priority and push to keep my mental and emotional state as healthy as my physical state. In the past week, I was forced to face some issues with my father.  I have always pushed to forgive my father for wrong-doings in my childhood. I did a good thing. I forgave him and I forgave my mother for some things that were not that easy to get over.  But, I did it.  I wanted to be a happy adult and I wanted to make sure I didn't just go through life blaming my parents for things I was unhappy about, but never really working to change those things.

In the past week, some of my father's new mistakes have come to light. And they have brought with them some old feelings.  And, they have brought some new revelations.  At this point, I am pretty sure that if I don't make an effort to contact my father and have a relationship with him, I will never talk to him again.  I am fairly sure that he would not reach out to me.  This was a tough realization to come to.  Over the past few years, I have made a strong effort to build a relationship with my father.  I have put in more effort than he ever has.

Now, I need to realize that he has not and will not put in the same level of effort. He is not as concerned with us having a relationship as I am.  So, all of my efforts were for me.  I did it for me.  I got to know my father. I asked him questions about his life so that I could understand him, so that I could understand me. I wanted to have a relationship with my father so that I could learn about me.  I did that. So, all should be well, right?  I should be happy. I have learned a lot about him. I have learned a lot about me.  Mission accomplished.

Not quite. I also wanted him to love me. I wanted him to love me in the way I have seen fathers love their daughters. I wanted him to appreciate me.  I wanted him to want to know me too. But, he doesn't. He's not going to give me what I want. So, I have to stop searching for it. Everywhere.

I also have to realize that just because my father doesn't love me in the way I expect love to look, doesn't mean I am unlovable. Yes. I said it. And I am not saying it again. It's one of those underlying things that you feel. It's cliche and it's untrue. It's trite and it's kept me from reaching my full potential of single life.

I knew I wanted to be single. I knew that I was single based on my own decisions. I was single because I wanted to enjoy sex with different men (and possibly some women.) I wanted to be single, because I wanted to have my time to myself. I didn't want to be tied to anyone. But, I need to be single for other reasons.

I need to be single because I am looking for love. Not like I'm looking for that special one. I am looking for a love that looks like I expect love to look. And I won't get that. I am looking for something to fill a void (I know what you are thinking and that's gross.)  I am looking for something unrealistic. When I am in a relationship, I don't handle it well. So, I needed to be single for a while to realize these things about myself.

I used to fall into relationships quickly. And, once in, I held on in unhealthy ways. I chose men that wouldn't fully commit to me.  I chose men that were like my father in that way.  That is pretty much the only way they were like him, but that cliche has a small place with me.  My ex was with me.  He called me his girlfriend and we lived together for a while.  But, he also made it known on occasion that he wasn't sure that I was the one for him. And in the end, that was what did it. He wasn't sure that I was the one for him.  I have always been with men that weren't quite sure.  I have always made the effort.  And when I let my grasp lighten, they were gone.

Lately, I have been walking around with a wall up.  I haven't let anyone in.  I have friendships that have formed after sex. I have close relationships with men I sleep with. But, I don't look for love from them. I don't look for much of anything. But, with The (Never) Maybe Boyfriend, it was a little different. We talked about a future.  We talked about taking it slow and seeing where it went.  I went to Houston and spent time with him.

Then, one day, he said it. He just wasn't ready. He didn't know what he wanted, but he still wanted to talk. I let it go. We kept talking. And I started liking him more and more. But, today, I decided that it's ending.  I am no longer doing that thing. I am no longer spending my energy attempting to create relationships where relationships don't want to be created. I have stayed away from it for this long, but I didn't really know what I was staying away from or why. But now, I get it.

I told The Maybe Boyfriend we needed to go our separate ways and I deleted his number.  I have nothing against him.  He's wonderful, kind and funny. He just doesn't want me.  And I shouldn't want someone that doesn't want me. So, I'm starting over. It's not a set back. It's a step forward. I am looking ahead and I am happy to see what the future holds. And at this point, I hope it holds sex. Because, I have had my feelings wrapped all around The Maybe Boyfriend for a while now and I am pretty sure I have skipped more than a handful of opportunities. Not anymore. My slate is cleaned, my dance card is cleared and I am ready to move forward.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Comedy and "Tragedy"

Note to self (and to all of you): Life is unpredictable. Things happen. Some of those things are good. Some are bad. The good can range from 'okay' to 'wonderful.' The bad can range from 'meh' to 'tragic.' There's no universal scale to measure the bad and good things that happen to us. Losing a parent is no harder or easier than losing a sibling. Loss is hard on a myriad of levels. We all have different ways of handling these 'things' that happen in our lives. Perspective is very important. But, it's hard to control.

This week has been, for lack of a better word, a whirlwind. On Monday morning, I woke up and got dressed for my ballet class. It felt like any other day. But, my muscles in my legs and back were a little tight. Midway through the class, my back got a little tight and I decided to take it a little slower, but I didn't sit out. I kept going. I got through that class and decided to sit out my second dance class.  When I left that class, it was hard to walk. So, I got a ride back home. Took a nap. And when I woke up, I couldn't walk at all. The pain was intense and my legs were weak. I took a trip to the E.R. and they admitted me for a few days. Turns out I have a torn disc and a small fracture in my spine.

On day three of my hospital stay, I got some bad news from back home. It wasn't a death, but it was stressful and sad. So, I spent two days being sad. I spent two days crying and feeling sorry for myself. I spent two days going in and out of being sad and being optimistic. I had moments where I allowed my mind to wander into the realm of 'Me = The Universe's Victim'.  But, I made it a point not to stay there.  I made a huge effort not to stay there.

I have been, in the past, a willing and wanting victim. I admit it. I was trained from childhood that I was going to be wronged by the world and the best I could do was be a martyr. This was the example I was given. I am not sure why my mother was taught to handle things this way, but she was, and she just taught me in the way she believed to be right. It's not her fault.

But, if I chose to knowingly keep this behavior, it would be my fault. So, I am happy. Things are 'meh' to 'bad', at the moment. But, I am choosing to focus on the good things and I am choosing happy. Today was a rough day. I had to use my crutches. That was a bummer. So, I rested a lot. I did things I wanted to do. And, I had a pretty good day. It wasn't great, but not all days are going to be great.

Life is a day-to-day struggle and a day-to-day dream. It can be beautiful or it can be sad. I choose beautiful. No matter what is happening, there are always things to be thankful for. I know, I know... I sound sappy. But, so be it. I don't deny the sad times. I cry. I let the tears overcome me, then I let them leave. I choose the funny over the sad.  I choose the joy over the drama. I am dealing with an injury and some family issues. But, I am also about to be the first person in my family to graduate from college. I have great siblings and great friends. I also have some great men in my life. There are a lot of reasons to cry, but there are also a lot of reasons to smile.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Unsure

So much of our dating and relationship lives are filled with questions. We spend our days and nights with a person. We get to 'know' them and then we decide, in small increments, to commit to them. The whole while, we are asking ourselves ... Is this the person for me? Am I making a mistake if I commit to this person? Do we have enough in common? Am I ready to be with someone? Is he/she a good match for my friends?

We don't go through all of this for friends.  We meet someone and we gradually get to know them. They are allowed to have other friends without us questioning. They can have coffee with us and turn around and have dinner with another friend. Why not? That doesn't threaten our chances at becoming new friends. We don't question if they are going to get along with our friends, and if we do, we find out.  If they don't, we chill with them on the side. If the conflict is big enough, we take sides and choose our friends.  But, it's usually all gradual. It's hard to even remember the last person we were almost friends with.  No one makes a mental bank of all the people that were potential friends.  Failed romances, however. That is a different story. We all know the last person we talked to/dated/slept with that didn't quite work out.

From the moment I started talking to The Almost Boyfriend, I was unsure what I was doing.  I don't really know much about him. I only know the things he has told me. I have only spent a handful of days in his company and yet, we talk or text every day. Not one day has gone by since we met, that I haven't heard from him or contacted him. The talk is very mutual. We obviously want to talk to each other. There is no question there. That we get. And that is where the understanding ends.

We have the basics down. We are both confused and neither of us knows what we want. In all reality, that is a pretty clear indicator that we don't want each other.  We have both spent the past few months taking one step forward and two steps back. When one party is doing it, it's one thing. When both parties do it, it's kind of a mess. I will be perfectly honest, I have been doing a majority of it. Almost all of the questioning has been on me.

I question everything. I am not sure that I am ready to be talking to someone every day. I don't trust him. I don't want to get close to him, because I know he doesn't know what he wants. But, at the same time, I don't know that he is what I want. We don't have the same goals, we have a lot of differences. But, when was the last time I thought this much about a friend? Never. I don't meet cool women and men and ask myself what their goals are in life.  I don't worry about where they are going to be in 5 to 10 years. I just have a good time and get to know them. These questions are reserved for the ones that I both like, and let stick their penis in me. It's the penis and the like that opens up a possibility for the future.

This is where the problem comes in. The Future! That's the key.  Friends can be casual. But we put so much on romance, that we stand the chance of over-questioning things. Things that can just be fun and relaxed get over questioned on both sides. By the time one person relaxes on the questions, the other person kicks up and starts in on the internal interrogation.

I was never sure about The Maybe Boyfriend. I don't know what that means. I am fairly sure that he and I won't ever be more than we are now. That realization has made room to relax and just enjoy what we have for what it's worth. He doesn't have to be my future husband. He doesn't have to put me above everyone else. There is a chance that he will meet someone else, and we will just kind of drift away. And, that is fine. It's really no different than any other situation.

Anyone can leave a situation at any time. It doesn't matter if it's casual or if it's a marriage. It doesn't matter how much you question it or how much you doubt. It actually doesn't even matter how much you trust. But, distrust will surely kill any chance you have. Worry will never do any good. It will only break what you have down. It is all up to the two parties involved to communicate and want the same things. And the hope that that want will stay the same on both sides. At this point, the only thing that makes any sense is sitting back, relaxing and enjoying the person you are with, or not with.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Online Dating And Other Fuckery

Let me just start by saying, I am back in the dating game full swing. It's a fact that the birds and the bees thrive in the spring. As soon as the sun peeked out from behind the ugly gray winter clouds and the flowers began to open, so did I.  My energy has shifted and I am slowly, but surely, entering my old state of being.

I remember this time last year.  It was wrought with frustration.  I didn't know any men in the area, so when I started getting randy, the best I could do was give webcam shows to the men back home.  Well, much to the chagrin of my hometown lovers, I have met men here in New England and I have a pretty healthy rotation working.  Even if I don't have guests every weekend, I have folks to call when times are tough and I really need a release.  Marlon was here a couple weeks ago and should be back soon. And I am expecting a visit from The Player in the next few days.

So, life is good. Here, in New England. You see the shift? A few short months ago, I was complaining that I couldn't meet any quality men here in NE. Houston was where it was AT. Now, I don't really have my normal roster of men that I had in Houston. This is the way it goes, however, this is the last time it goes this way.  On May 16th, I move back to Houston for good. There will be no more living in two places. I've played that way for the last 3 years and while it adds a fun diversity, it also makes it hard to form any real bonds.

In an attempt to prepare for my new life back in Houston, I have been taking certain steps to ensure that I have a smooth transition. So, with all of the naive optimism that clouds memory, I signed back up for my online dating accounts in an attempt to meet men in Houston. I go with two different sites. I use Plentyoffish.com and OkCupid.com. If you have any suggestions for better ones, please let me know. Because, after two days of online flirting, I am reminded why I quit the online dating circuit.

People are crazy and online living gives them a license to behave at their craziest levels. Some of the guys I have chatted with have been fine. Two were actually really cool. Two managed to be overly clingy within the first 3 days. And one was downright Hi-Lar-I-Ous. I am going to talk about this dude. Because, he deserves it.

So, he was cute. His pictures were cute, anyway. We started chatting and he seemed cool enough, so I gave him my number. (Note to all: "Seems cool enough" is a misguided thought.) He was not cool enough. Here's how it went ...

Him - Hey, it's Sean. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE (I didn't change his name. Fuck him.)

Me - What the hell kind of greeting is that? LMAO

Him - It's my signature at the bottom. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

(In my head - You have a signature on your texts and you're 30? ok.)

Me - Lol ... ok.

Him - Why do you keep laughing? What's wrong with you? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Nothing. It's just kinda funny.

Him - Ok. Corny ass woman. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - No response.

Him - So why are you all the way up there in New England? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - In school. I go to Smith College.

Him - Oh okay Ms. Smarty Pants. What's your major? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Government major and photography minor. Focus on stats and political behavior.

Him - Oh okay. When do you graduate? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - May 15th. Can't wait. So, what do you do?

Him - I get a paycheck. That's all you really need to know. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Dang. Okay. Just making conversation.

Him - Well you aint my girlfriend, so I figure I don't have to tell you shit. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Okay. Just making conversation. Wow.

Him - You were being a nosey azz is what you were doing.

Me - Wow. You just took that question a little overboard. You take care, sir.

Him - BYE!!! BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - You might be a little defensive. lol Jussayin.

Two hours pass...

Him - Erase my number. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - That was done 2 hours ago boo. :)

So, lesson here. Don't ask a dude what he does.... ? It's not like I'm a gold-digger. I asked with the honest intention of sparking new conversation. It's a question that is normally asked in the beginning conversation phase. I ask it. Men ask me. Then, we engage in normal conversation about our jobs.

Whether the man is an analyst at an oil and gas company, a worker in a warehouse, or an attendant at a gas station, it is something to talk about. And, I'm not going to judge someone that makes an honest living. My paycheck is mine and his is his.

Did ol' dude think I was going to clown him or turn him into the feds?  Or, was telling me his profession going to lower him to a level playing field?  Was his secrecy a way of keeping himself superior?  I looked back through the messages and realized that he had called me "dork" and "corny" within 1 hour of distant chat. Then I went back to his profile and realized that he has a lot of preconceived and misguided thoughts of women. After reviewing his profile more closely than I had the first itme around, I realized he had in bold lettering "No Black Women." I wouldn't have ever hit him up if I had seen this. This is why you should read the profiles first, always. My own superficial behavior came back to bite me again. But, it didn't really bite me, so much as give me another story to share with you guys.

So, this has been another tale of another hostile single man in the online dating world. I don't mean to make it sound like it's all bad. It's really not. Lots of the good ones I write about came from that world, as well. It just took a long vetting process to sort them out from the crazies that get pissed and blow up if you make an attempt at conversation. I guess I should have headed the jr high text signature. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, indeed.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

An Open Letter To The Newly Exed Girlfriend

*This is about observations.  None of it is about bashing one sex/gender or another. If you are a man reading this and getting all pent up, loosen your panties and chill out. This is about us. I'll get back to you later. 

Dear Newly Single,

Let me start by saying ... It's scarier from the outside. Single is actually an okay/wonderful place to be.  I know you've been told that you aren't supposed to be here. But, at this point in time, this is probably exactly where you should be. I'm sure you've been here before.  Sometimes it's hard to remember the good and bad things about the other side of the fence.

There are a few things that we should address right off the bat.  Some quick housekeeping, if you will.  First, he will find someone else. He will probably do it with lightening speed.  If he told you that he needed to be on his own for a while, that he needed to be single, his abrupt and newfound love will thoroughly fuck with your head. In all likelihood, you will take time to change as a person.  He, will enter into a new relationship unchanged. It won't be hard for him to find someone new, because he won't be that selective and because the new person he finds has been told forever that she needs to nest.  She will be his long-term rebound and he will be her nest.  They may find happiness. They may be a perfect fit and they may get married.

None of this matters. None of it is a reflection of you. You are out of the picture now. And as bad as that sounds, it's a good thing.  If it's really over between the two of you, you want to be out of the picture.  Because, you want your single life to be about good things.  It should be drama free, unless the drama involves a tall handsome man and his undying love that fell upon you too soon. If there is a beach and love-making, that is acceptable also.

It's time to move on. However you choose to do that, is the right way. Just don't fall into unhealthy behaviors. Stop thinking about it. You can't change it and you can't analyze why it happened. Don't drink too much. Alcohol will intensify your feelings.  If you are feeling insecure, you will become a bundle of self-loathing. A few drinks with your friends in a cheery, lighthearted environment is the best way to go. If you want to have random sex, be safe and knock yourself out. If you choose to wait a while (I waited almost a year), that is cool too.

Just know, there is no right or wrong way to do this. But, these days have the potential to be amazing and fun.  You'll find love soon enough.  For now, enjoy the days of being free of the responsibility.  Buy a cute new dress, get together with your friends and flirt with life.  Read a great book. Turn your phone off. Sit and cry on someone's shoulder or do it alone. Remember the expectations you had and grieve them. Acknowledge the fact that things are different now.  Your future is different and that is a hard pill to swallow. It's sad.  But you don't have to feel bad about it. Shit happens. It's done.

This is your life.  Things are going to change. Sometimes those changes are exhilarating and sometimes they are terrifying. Sometimes you feel like you have lost everything and sometimes you feel like you have gained unknown greatness. This can be a mix of all that. I remember feeling like life would be so awful without my ex. And now, as sad as it is, I can't even remember how I felt about him.  It's a faint feeling that still dances through my mind occasionally.  But, it doesn't sit on my heart or pierce my stomach like it used to. It's just memory, minus the pain. So, I wish you the best. May the future hold the best sex, the sweetest fruit, the strongest drinks, the heartiest laughs, the quietest moments and the realizations of unknown strengths.

Congratulations,
-J

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Reunion

After months of not seeing him, Marlon paid a visit recently.  I would rather not say exactly when it was, but it's fair enough to say I am no longer suffering from post-orgasm high.  I've had plenty of time to come down. So, this should be an accurate retelling as I remember it. There will be none of the fluff about how things are so complicated.  There will be no talk of feelings.  I mean, I do have feelings for him, but this isn't about that.  We know how I feel about him.  That's been discussed. He and I know. You all know. Everyone knows.

So, everything on the table, he showed up at my place at around 9 and we had a drink ... or 4. Then, we made our way to a nearby bar.  If you just started reading this blog, I kind of hate the town in which I live.  I am here for college and it is essentially good for that and that alone. I attend a great school and I am getting a great education.  But, that's about all this town has to offer.  So, we went to this bar that was having a "reggae night." This amounted to us sitting at a table on the balcony and fending off white-kid trustafarians with body odor and blood alcohol levels ranging from slightly annoying to full blown dumbass. It made for good laughs and after having a few more drinks and many laughs, we ventured out of the land of hippies and bad "reggae" and made our way to my bed.

I was already stripped down to a white tank and panties while he slipped his pants and shirt off.  As I looked at his body and his perfect skin, I remembered what it was like to feel him.  A warm feeling fell over me.  I wasn't extremely aroused or overly excited.  But, I remembered and I was happy he was there.

He laid down on the side of the bed that's not mine.  That's really all I can call that side of the bed. It's not anybody's. But, that night, it was his. I sat up next to him and we talked about nothing ... joking about the night we had, and talking about past sexual experiences.  It wasn't hot talk or anything that was preparing either of us for what was to come.  It was more about the things we have done that we aren't so proud of.  Not things in the Mouth-Spitter range, but times we had done people ... less-than-right.

After we'd laughed for a while, I put on The Office (it's both of our favorite show) and we watched half of an episode. That's all we made it through.  I don't remember how it started. But, somewhere along the way, his mouth made it's way to mine and his fingers were inching down my stomach and toward my sensible white cotton panties. They weren't actually sensible, at all.  I just like the unimposing, slightly accidental sexiness of white panties and a white tank top.

Now, I was excited.  It had been so long since I had seen him.  I missed having him inside me.  I missed the feeling of his breath and mouth on my neck and chest.  I missed the way he looked into my eyes when he was inside me and the way he kissed me softly at my highest points of pleasure. I wouldn't miss any of it much longer.

He was on top of me, kissing my neck and then, in a stealth and firm movement, he was inside me. I remembered that he felt amazing, but this time it was different. As soon as he was inside me, I had that same rush of pleasure I had always had.  But, this time, there was less.  It wasn't him.  Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was the fact that in some odd way, I felt like I was cheating on The Maybe Boyfriend. We weren't exclusive.  We were allowed to talk to other people.  We were allowed to do whatever we pleased.  I had no idea what he was doing.  But, none of this was the issue. The issue was the fact that I had developed an emotional bond with him and he was the last and only person I had been with in months.

But then, Marlon kissed me again and I was thrust back into the moment, so to speak. With his lips and body to mine, I slid my hands down his back and pulled him deeper into me. At that moment, my fists clinched the bed and my muscles tightened.  It flooded my body and my mind became crystal clear and content. There were 2 more to follow, and then his.  Then, we fell asleep in each other's arms.  He's the only man I have slept in the arms of since my ex.  I just don't do it.  But, with him, I let that go and I just sleep in the place that feels best.

The next morning, he pressed up against me and we started talking.  Again, I don't remember what we talked about, but it came with more laughter.  In the tradition that is 'us,' we made love again in the cool blue air that leaks into my room at dawn.  It was great.  I love morning sex, but sometimes it is hard for me to climax that soon after waking up.  This has never been the case with Marlon.

I've never had sex with Marlon and not come more than once.  This time, it was different.  I came and as soon as I had reached the intensity of my orgasm, he reached his.  It was impeccable timing and the pleasure of coming at the same time was far greater than the pleasure I would have gotten out of a sequel orgasm.  The second is never quite as good as the first for me anyway.

He laid down next to me for a little while longer and we hugged and talked more.  Then, it was time for him to go.  I walked him out and kissed him goodbye. It's great with him, because each time I hug and kiss him goodbye, I know it might be the last time I see him.  For some reason, as wonderful as he is, I don't mind this fact. Some things are great and stay in your life.  Others, are great for a while, but then they are gone.  There will be a day when I don't know Marlon anymore.  There will be a day when he is married and and raising a family.  But, in my mind he will remain the same.  He will be untainted, because we have never gotten close enough to have a fight ... He's never disappointed me or made me sad, because I've never expected anything from him.  That's what makes it perfect.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Out Of Touch

How is it possible to have no idea what you want?  How is it possible that what I want changes from day to day?  I have been on a journey of getting to know myself over the past few months and all I have discovered is that I am an ever fluctuating being with wants and needs that change with the wind.

Things have been good. I haven't been dating much.  I had the pleasure of Marlon's company a week or so ago. That was wonderful.  He's possibly the only person I have spent time with in the past year that has remained consistent. I have even remained consistent in my feelings for him.  I don't think I understand love or realize it as something that is identifiable. Every encounter I've had with love in the present has revealed itself as something else when viewed as the past. After the fact, I realize how what I believed to be love was just another way of me trying to find something that felt missing. I haven't had a very healthy relationship with relationships.

However, hindsight is not quite 20/20, either.  Once out of the relationship or believed love, I am still not quite sure what just happened.  It's next to impossible for me to distinguish love from pride or from hurt feelings. It seems that all of the times I have been "heartbroken," I was actually just suffering from a bruised pride or a feeling of defeat. I hate to be the loser.  

With my ex, there was a feeling of comfort that we had developed.  We were so far engrained in each other's lives, separating was like losing a limb.  We had to relearn love.  I still talk to him every day, because neither of us could fully break the tie.  But, I don't look at him in the same way.  I don't remember what it felt like to 'love' him.  I don't know that I was ever 'in love' with him.  We sort of fell into the relationship and then we clawed our way out.  We got along.  We joked and laughed and when I buried my face in his neck, I got a sense of comfort. But, even that feeling was shattered at some point. And, anything warm I felt for him became tainted and dulled. Now, the person I had once imagined as the father of my children, the man that I had stared at endlessly, dreaming of what our children would look like, holds a distant place in my heart. Our hands that were once grasping so tightly to each other they bled, are now barely grazing fingertips. Is that love? Could that have been love?

Recently, I started seeing a new man.  I've called him The Maybe Boyfriend.  That "maybe" is now a "not now."  I won't say never.  But, I don't see us every being more than what we were on those four days in the hotel room.  He said the magical words that have danced around in my brain since we last say each other. "I don't know what I want."  That's all I needed to hear.  Because, I refuse to be in another situation with someone that doesn't know what they want.  So, while my pride was hurt, I was not heartbroken.  I never thought I loved The Maybe Boyfriend.  I couldn't even imagine myself ever loving him, to be honest. We were too different. I wondered if I could ever really appreciate the things about him that were wonderful and if he could do the same for me.

So, last night we put the cards on the table.  And while I was sad that he was yet another man that didn't know if he wanted me or not, I had to take solace in the fact that he was also another man that I couldn't tell whether or not I wanted.  I can't remember one time that I have met a man, thought "I want him" and known what that meant.  At this point, I definitely don't know what I want from anyone.  Yesterday, I wanted a boyfriend.  I wanted someone to be proud of me for my accomplishments.  I wanted someone to laugh with.  I wanted inside jokes and intimacy.  Today, I don't know.

I know what I want in life.  I have a five year plan. In 5 weeks, I will walk across a stage and a thin, gray haired white woman will hand me a diploma from one of the best colleges in the country.  I will board a plane and move home to start a job at an organization I want to work for.  I will save money, to embark on a goal for a nonprofit.  I have no problem seeing what I want out of my life.  I have no problem executing my goals and creating the life I want to live.  I do, however, have a problem imagining that I could share that place and that life with any one person.

So, I am not in love with anyone and I don't know that I would recognize it if I was. Any feelings I have for men that this point seems to be a mixture of the high that comes from sexual chemistry and the low that comes from loneliness.  I imagine that if there is such a think as love, the closest thing I have felt to it is the way I feel about Lewis or Marlon.  But, I couldn't imagine a life 'with' either of them.  I couldn't imagine letting either into my life more than they already are.  It seems that if I do love them and if I want that love to continue, it would make sense to stay here, in the space and time where that love exists.  Any wrong move could smother it, or me.

So, I continue on.  I am no closer or farther away from my goal, because from what I can see, I don't have one.  I am still just going with the flow.  I have the reigns of my life, but I don't have the want or know how to take the reigns of my dating life and steer it toward love.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Big News

The following was my April Fools post.  Nothing in this post is true. Well, some of it is.  It's your guess. 
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So, everyone said it could happen.  I suppose no one has as much sex as I do without it eventually catching up with them.  At least I can say I don't regret anything. I suppose the blog will take a turn and things will be a little different from here on out.  I guess I'll just tell the story of how it began.

As all of you know, I have been seeing a number of men over the past year or so.  It all started on a train about 11 months ago.  I met a man and we had sex.  We can rule him out.  It definitely wasn't him.  It also wasn't The Beautiful One or Lewis.  I haven't seen either of them for a long while.  It wasn't The Stranger, because I still have yet to meet him.  It wasn't The Powerful One, he unfriended me on Facebook a good 4 months ago.

So, I know who it wasn't.  The trouble is, figuring out who it was.  Who it is...?  If you haven't guessed it by now, your favorite Serial Dater is pregnant.  Yep.  What can I say?  Shit happens. At least it's not Herpes.  Yes, you heard correct.  I just compared my unborn child to Herpes.  At least the kid came out on top.

I took a trip home about a month ago, so the guy I spent time with there could be the father.  The trouble is, I don't know how far along I am, so it could also be The Touched One or the 21-year-old.  Then, there is Marlon.  He came to visit a little while back.  I also recently bagged a professor.  If it's him, I will be relieved.  He's already had kids with a couple of other students, so he'll know what to do.  And, he has a good job.

I know it wasn't The Chick.  I recently made it with a woman that works in town.  I know it's not her, because I'm fairly sure that can't happen.  So, that's a relief.  She was a bit off anyway.

So, now it comes down to figuring out who it was.  I have some options.  I think it's possible to do a paternity test while pregnant.  At least that way, I could know what to expect this lil bugger to look like.  I know it will be half gorgeous.  The other half is a crap-shoot.  It will definitely be tall and attractive.  But it could range in smarts from brilliant to runs into walls.  I am a little more selective with looks than I am with intelligence.  Hey, at least I'm honest.

Wish me luck.  I hear raising a kid is kinda hard to do.  I think it will be fine.  I won't stop dating.  I actually have a date tonight.  At least I know he's not the father.  I welcome any tips you guys have for me.  I think once I get a couple drinks in me tonight and a cigarette to calm my nerves, I'll be able to think more clearly.
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*The date is a very important part of this post.  Have a good first day of April, folks. ;)

About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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