Monday, April 11, 2011

Online Dating And Other Fuckery

Let me just start by saying, I am back in the dating game full swing. It's a fact that the birds and the bees thrive in the spring. As soon as the sun peeked out from behind the ugly gray winter clouds and the flowers began to open, so did I.  My energy has shifted and I am slowly, but surely, entering my old state of being.

I remember this time last year.  It was wrought with frustration.  I didn't know any men in the area, so when I started getting randy, the best I could do was give webcam shows to the men back home.  Well, much to the chagrin of my hometown lovers, I have met men here in New England and I have a pretty healthy rotation working.  Even if I don't have guests every weekend, I have folks to call when times are tough and I really need a release.  Marlon was here a couple weeks ago and should be back soon. And I am expecting a visit from The Player in the next few days.

So, life is good. Here, in New England. You see the shift? A few short months ago, I was complaining that I couldn't meet any quality men here in NE. Houston was where it was AT. Now, I don't really have my normal roster of men that I had in Houston. This is the way it goes, however, this is the last time it goes this way.  On May 16th, I move back to Houston for good. There will be no more living in two places. I've played that way for the last 3 years and while it adds a fun diversity, it also makes it hard to form any real bonds.

In an attempt to prepare for my new life back in Houston, I have been taking certain steps to ensure that I have a smooth transition. So, with all of the naive optimism that clouds memory, I signed back up for my online dating accounts in an attempt to meet men in Houston. I go with two different sites. I use Plentyoffish.com and OkCupid.com. If you have any suggestions for better ones, please let me know. Because, after two days of online flirting, I am reminded why I quit the online dating circuit.

People are crazy and online living gives them a license to behave at their craziest levels. Some of the guys I have chatted with have been fine. Two were actually really cool. Two managed to be overly clingy within the first 3 days. And one was downright Hi-Lar-I-Ous. I am going to talk about this dude. Because, he deserves it.

So, he was cute. His pictures were cute, anyway. We started chatting and he seemed cool enough, so I gave him my number. (Note to all: "Seems cool enough" is a misguided thought.) He was not cool enough. Here's how it went ...

Him - Hey, it's Sean. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE (I didn't change his name. Fuck him.)

Me - What the hell kind of greeting is that? LMAO

Him - It's my signature at the bottom. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

(In my head - You have a signature on your texts and you're 30? ok.)

Me - Lol ... ok.

Him - Why do you keep laughing? What's wrong with you? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Nothing. It's just kinda funny.

Him - Ok. Corny ass woman. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - No response.

Him - So why are you all the way up there in New England? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - In school. I go to Smith College.

Him - Oh okay Ms. Smarty Pants. What's your major? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Government major and photography minor. Focus on stats and political behavior.

Him - Oh okay. When do you graduate? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - May 15th. Can't wait. So, what do you do?

Him - I get a paycheck. That's all you really need to know. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Dang. Okay. Just making conversation.

Him - Well you aint my girlfriend, so I figure I don't have to tell you shit. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - Okay. Just making conversation. Wow.

Him - You were being a nosey azz is what you were doing.

Me - Wow. You just took that question a little overboard. You take care, sir.

Him - BYE!!! BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - You might be a little defensive. lol Jussayin.

Two hours pass...

Him - Erase my number. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE

Me - That was done 2 hours ago boo. :)

So, lesson here. Don't ask a dude what he does.... ? It's not like I'm a gold-digger. I asked with the honest intention of sparking new conversation. It's a question that is normally asked in the beginning conversation phase. I ask it. Men ask me. Then, we engage in normal conversation about our jobs.

Whether the man is an analyst at an oil and gas company, a worker in a warehouse, or an attendant at a gas station, it is something to talk about. And, I'm not going to judge someone that makes an honest living. My paycheck is mine and his is his.

Did ol' dude think I was going to clown him or turn him into the feds?  Or, was telling me his profession going to lower him to a level playing field?  Was his secrecy a way of keeping himself superior?  I looked back through the messages and realized that he had called me "dork" and "corny" within 1 hour of distant chat. Then I went back to his profile and realized that he has a lot of preconceived and misguided thoughts of women. After reviewing his profile more closely than I had the first itme around, I realized he had in bold lettering "No Black Women." I wouldn't have ever hit him up if I had seen this. This is why you should read the profiles first, always. My own superficial behavior came back to bite me again. But, it didn't really bite me, so much as give me another story to share with you guys.

So, this has been another tale of another hostile single man in the online dating world. I don't mean to make it sound like it's all bad. It's really not. Lots of the good ones I write about came from that world, as well. It just took a long vetting process to sort them out from the crazies that get pissed and blow up if you make an attempt at conversation. I guess I should have headed the jr high text signature. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, indeed.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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