Saturday, April 9, 2011

An Open Letter To The Newly Exed Girlfriend

*This is about observations.  None of it is about bashing one sex/gender or another. If you are a man reading this and getting all pent up, loosen your panties and chill out. This is about us. I'll get back to you later. 

Dear Newly Single,

Let me start by saying ... It's scarier from the outside. Single is actually an okay/wonderful place to be.  I know you've been told that you aren't supposed to be here. But, at this point in time, this is probably exactly where you should be. I'm sure you've been here before.  Sometimes it's hard to remember the good and bad things about the other side of the fence.

There are a few things that we should address right off the bat.  Some quick housekeeping, if you will.  First, he will find someone else. He will probably do it with lightening speed.  If he told you that he needed to be on his own for a while, that he needed to be single, his abrupt and newfound love will thoroughly fuck with your head. In all likelihood, you will take time to change as a person.  He, will enter into a new relationship unchanged. It won't be hard for him to find someone new, because he won't be that selective and because the new person he finds has been told forever that she needs to nest.  She will be his long-term rebound and he will be her nest.  They may find happiness. They may be a perfect fit and they may get married.

None of this matters. None of it is a reflection of you. You are out of the picture now. And as bad as that sounds, it's a good thing.  If it's really over between the two of you, you want to be out of the picture.  Because, you want your single life to be about good things.  It should be drama free, unless the drama involves a tall handsome man and his undying love that fell upon you too soon. If there is a beach and love-making, that is acceptable also.

It's time to move on. However you choose to do that, is the right way. Just don't fall into unhealthy behaviors. Stop thinking about it. You can't change it and you can't analyze why it happened. Don't drink too much. Alcohol will intensify your feelings.  If you are feeling insecure, you will become a bundle of self-loathing. A few drinks with your friends in a cheery, lighthearted environment is the best way to go. If you want to have random sex, be safe and knock yourself out. If you choose to wait a while (I waited almost a year), that is cool too.

Just know, there is no right or wrong way to do this. But, these days have the potential to be amazing and fun.  You'll find love soon enough.  For now, enjoy the days of being free of the responsibility.  Buy a cute new dress, get together with your friends and flirt with life.  Read a great book. Turn your phone off. Sit and cry on someone's shoulder or do it alone. Remember the expectations you had and grieve them. Acknowledge the fact that things are different now.  Your future is different and that is a hard pill to swallow. It's sad.  But you don't have to feel bad about it. Shit happens. It's done.

This is your life.  Things are going to change. Sometimes those changes are exhilarating and sometimes they are terrifying. Sometimes you feel like you have lost everything and sometimes you feel like you have gained unknown greatness. This can be a mix of all that. I remember feeling like life would be so awful without my ex. And now, as sad as it is, I can't even remember how I felt about him.  It's a faint feeling that still dances through my mind occasionally.  But, it doesn't sit on my heart or pierce my stomach like it used to. It's just memory, minus the pain. So, I wish you the best. May the future hold the best sex, the sweetest fruit, the strongest drinks, the heartiest laughs, the quietest moments and the realizations of unknown strengths.

Congratulations,
-J

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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