Note to self (and to all of you): Life is unpredictable. Things happen. Some of those things are good. Some are bad. The good can range from 'okay' to 'wonderful.' The bad can range from 'meh' to 'tragic.' There's no universal scale to measure the bad and good things that happen to us. Losing a parent is no harder or easier than losing a sibling. Loss is hard on a myriad of levels. We all have different ways of handling these 'things' that happen in our lives. Perspective is very important. But, it's hard to control.
This week has been, for lack of a better word, a whirlwind. On Monday morning, I woke up and got dressed for my ballet class. It felt like any other day. But, my muscles in my legs and back were a little tight. Midway through the class, my back got a little tight and I decided to take it a little slower, but I didn't sit out. I kept going. I got through that class and decided to sit out my second dance class. When I left that class, it was hard to walk. So, I got a ride back home. Took a nap. And when I woke up, I couldn't walk at all. The pain was intense and my legs were weak. I took a trip to the E.R. and they admitted me for a few days. Turns out I have a torn disc and a small fracture in my spine.
On day three of my hospital stay, I got some bad news from back home. It wasn't a death, but it was stressful and sad. So, I spent two days being sad. I spent two days crying and feeling sorry for myself. I spent two days going in and out of being sad and being optimistic. I had moments where I allowed my mind to wander into the realm of 'Me = The Universe's Victim'. But, I made it a point not to stay there. I made a huge effort not to stay there.
I have been, in the past, a willing and wanting victim. I admit it. I was trained from childhood that I was going to be wronged by the world and the best I could do was be a martyr. This was the example I was given. I am not sure why my mother was taught to handle things this way, but she was, and she just taught me in the way she believed to be right. It's not her fault.
But, if I chose to knowingly keep this behavior, it would be my fault. So, I am happy. Things are 'meh' to 'bad', at the moment. But, I am choosing to focus on the good things and I am choosing happy. Today was a rough day. I had to use my crutches. That was a bummer. So, I rested a lot. I did things I wanted to do. And, I had a pretty good day. It wasn't great, but not all days are going to be great.
Life is a day-to-day struggle and a day-to-day dream. It can be beautiful or it can be sad. I choose beautiful. No matter what is happening, there are always things to be thankful for. I know, I know... I sound sappy. But, so be it. I don't deny the sad times. I cry. I let the tears overcome me, then I let them leave. I choose the funny over the sad. I choose the joy over the drama. I am dealing with an injury and some family issues. But, I am also about to be the first person in my family to graduate from college. I have great siblings and great friends. I also have some great men in my life. There are a lot of reasons to cry, but there are also a lot of reasons to smile.
- Poly Amory
- I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
- ▼ April (9)