Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Cut

Summer 2010 is over.  The summer was a blast.  You guys know.  You were there for the whole ride.  Now the cloud of excitement has settled, there is a little bit of a mess.  After spending 10 days in Houston, a lot of things have become blindingly clear.

First of all, if I don't make some quick moves with Lewis, we are going to get trapped. This is the first time I have had a totally healthy relationship.  He's a friend, the sex was great, but it's time to take the sex out of the picture and just be friends.  We are too valuable to each other.  So, recently, I asked if we could make the transition and work on just being friends.  I think it's time.  Even though we were clear all along, there was still the occasionally ambiguity in my mind and heart.  I am scared of losing him due to hurt feelings or confusion.  He was find with it and I think this will go down in history as the most adult thing I have ever done.  

Secondly, I have been feeling lately that there are certain people in my life that take a lot more than they give.  I have stated earlier that I am not here for the amusement of men.  I need something in return.  I am not stepping out here and changing my ways, just so I can be at the beck and call of 20 men instead of just one.  If it's not 50/50, it's not going down.  So, all the men that want pics texted to them and want to chat with me when it's convenient, but never deliver on any face to face or real interaction, you gotta go.  Funny thing is, this started out with The Newest Favorite and he is not going anywhere.   I love talking to him.  Since my original post on this subject, he has managed to keep me highly entertained.  He definitely delivers.  We aren't sleeping together or anything like that, but who knows what the future holds.  But all these other yahoos are going to have to fall by the wayside.  They probably won't even notice.

Sean is holding tight.  He's far away and we don't see each other.  We just text, but he's an old friend and I can't forget that we have more than one night of sex and a few (hundred) text messages.  We have a real friendship and a history.  I am sure he and I will never hook up, but I hope we see each other again one day.  Who knows?...

The Beautiful One is in love.  I don't date or sleep with the taken ones.  He's taken and even if he fell in love while we were talking and after we first slept together, I still recognize it for what it is.  So, I am stepping back from him.  It was short lived and lovely.  I developed feelings for him and he warned that he didn't want to hurt me.  It was memorable, but now it's done.  

There is a guy here that I spent a night with.  We didn't have sex, but we made out and snuggled then we slept side by side.  It was nice.  He was funny and witty.  He made references to us having a second date or spending more time together.  I liked him.  Then, it just turned into this confusing cat and mouse game.  I don't like playing cat.  I would text him and he wouldn't respond for days.  Then out of the blue, he would call and we would talk for a while.  Then we would do the whole thing over again.  I invited him back out a few times and he was always busy.  The last time we talked, he mentioned coming out and said he was debating.  I let him go because I had to pee and he said he was going to call me back.  I didn't hear back.  So, I texted him that I was not up for being toyed with.  I am easy going and I like to be honest.  It just felt like some sort of game.  But, now it's a one player game, because I am not in the mood to play.  I liked him and he knew it, but I never knew if he liked me.  That shouldn't really ever be the case.  That was a plus from The Beautiful One, he was honest.  He liked me, but he didn't have feelings for me.  Fair enough.  This new guy here in New England won't get a name or a title at all.  Easy come, easy go.  

So, interestingly enough, that leaves Todd.  We spent time together while I was in Houston and it was nice.  He seems genuine.  I might be way off and let's face it, I'm not in a place to trust or be in a relationship.  As I typed, "He seems genuine," I got scared.  I felt vulnerable.  I think that says it all.  I am not in a place to settle in with just one man, but I'm also not in a place to entertain 20.  So, I'll just let it be what it is.  Todd is someone that I have feelings for.  I have fun with him and I like to hold his hand.  That scares me, but I will just tread slowly and see what happens.  I will also see where it goes with the others that made the cut.  But, I am going to make sure that I keep my energy where it should be, where I wanted it when I started this blog and made my decision to date, on me.  I am going to continue to be as productive as possible and make sure that everyone in my life, male or female, romance or friend, is adding to my life in a positive way.  If not, they gotta go. 

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.