Monday, October 11, 2010

The Feelings

This is the group of guys that I have feelings for and where they stand with me.

The Numero Uno.  I will let you take a wild guess ...

Lewis
You got it folks.  Lewis has taken the top position for about 4 months straight now.  He's the most solid man in my life, excluding my father and brothers.  I don't write much about him, but it's just because it's so simple and sweet.  There is nothing super interesting to write.  I get lil heart flutters when I think about him.  Moreso when I drink espresso and think about him, but nonetheless.  He's slowly grown into one of my closest friends.  We talk about our work and our lives.  We share things and we inspire/motivate each other.  When I'm down, he makes me feel better.  We have a lot in common and we are in similar places in life.  I battle with being confused about how I feel for Lewis.  Some times, I get mixed up and I get sucked back into the societal norms and mores... The ones that tell women that if a man cares about you, then he will want to be with you, love only you, make you an honest woman ... all that bullshit.  We don't expect that from our friends and my friendships are the most valuable relationships I have. That's why Lewis is a friend.  He has officially graduated.  I talk to him every day and days just aren't quite right if I don't have my daily dose of optimism and goodness.  He's honest, open, caring and I love him.  I am not sure how much longer we will have sex.  I suppose we will have sex until we just don't anymore.  But, even after the sex ends, we will have a valuable foundation that will last.


Todd
This dude is temporarily sitting here.  He's not really in the number two spot.  He's a strange number 1.  He's someone I could actually possibly see myself with.  I don't know him well enough to say for sure, but he's just funny, warm, evasive and cold enough for me to want to be with him.  I definitely wouldn't call him a friend, yet.  Maybe one day.  He never texts me without me texting him first.  He has given me some of the greatest dates of my life and the other night he came over and snuggled with me on my parent's porch.  I am baffled by him.  He's 'hot and cold' if I have ever seen it.  I am not totally myself around him.  I find myself apologizing a lot, because I feel inadequate around him.  There is a strange tension that I would like to be able to stop creating, but I don't know how to do that just yet.  It doesn't feel healthy.  It's not his fault.  Not by any means.  I have just decided to take a step back and let it be what it is.  It's an 'every once in a while' thing.  I have feelings for him and I don't mind admitting it.  But, for multiple reasons, he doesn't and can't take me seriously.  I write a blog about dating and sex and I openly see multiple people.  I do not mean to speak for him. That is not what I am doing.  This is just how I see things.  I might be way off base.  Either way, he has a lot of great qualities that put him in a special place with me.  It's not a place above or below any other man, just this spot teetering on the edge of heart and mind.  But I think I am going to tilt and let Todd fall away from the heart and toward the mind.  And we'll just see what happens.

The Beautiful One
This is a strange case, folks.  I am a bit sore about The Beautiful One.  We had a misunderstanding via text the other night and I am a lil on the feelings hurt side of things.  He wants to see me while I am in town, but I don't think that is going to happen.  He hit me up the other night while I was out with some friends and a little tipsy.  He said he wanted to see me, but when I was sober.  I liked that idea, as I am not at all a fan of drunken sex.  The whole post-bar, one-night-stand thing is about as appealing to me as having a toe in my butt (inside joke, but no, I have never had a toe in my butt and I never will.)  So, we talked about getting together another night, before I leave town.  Then, in all of my great decision making glory, I told him that I wanted to kiss him and that I had developed different feelings for him that put him above someone I was just sleeping with, but not in the place of someone I wanted a relationship with.  He's kind of in feeling purgatory.  He said I can't have them.  I thought he meant the kisses, he actually meant the feelings.  Either way, I have to take a step back from this one as well.  Not just the small mental step back I am taking with Todd.  I am actually probably not going to see The Beautiful One again.  It pains me to say it, but the time we spend sitting on his bed talking and joking around versus the time we spend actually having sex leaves me too open for feelings.  As I said, I don't want a relationship with him or anyone else, for that matter, but I don't think it's natural to stifle feelings and I think that is what he would like me to do.  So, the chapter of The Beautiful One (and his beautiful hip bone area) will come to a close.  Such is life.

Then, there's ...

Sean
I don't have a lot to say about Sean.  He's fucking hard to figure out.  He's never hot and cold.  He's consistently either my friend or he is missing in action.  He's been in my life for about 5 or 6 years.  We have sort of had sex once or at least started, before a faulty condom ruined the fun.  We used to spend tons of time together and we have recently been talking and texting again.  Sean was a contentious subject in past relationships.  No one felt that he was just a friend... they were probably right.  But now he just bounces back and forth between possibly coming to visit and someone that I might never see again for the rest of my life.  Who knows.  It is what it is.  I just have no gotdamned clue what that 'is' is.

The next group are The Newbies.  Stay tuned for the next post.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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