The tale of my worst one night stand is sort of worth telling. Sort of. Maybe not. It was a combination of bad judgment and desperation. I had just broken up with a boyfriend and I was in a bad place. My bad place, about 5 Jamesons and some poor random kid at the bar led to one of the least interesting, most awkward, least fulfilling sexual experiences in my history.
As I said, I was in a bad place. I didn’t have all of my wits about me and I wasn’t yet one with my sexuality. I was still using it to fill some void or to cover up bad memories and feelings. Some poor guy at my favorite bar fell victim to all of these factors. He didn’t realize he was a victim. He seemed to really enjoy the 25 year old me. Little did he know, the 30 year old me would start a blog, accounting sexual experiences and put him on blast. He’s probably all of 24 now. Yeah … I am afraid his ill fate had a lot to do with the fact that he was probably all of 19 at the time of the ... incident. He told me he was 21, but this experience taught me to start checking for valid ID at the door. State issued only. I hope to one day be able to afford the little black light to make sure the IDs aren’t something made in a shotgun house in fifth ward. Yep. One day I’ll be legit. Until then, I just have to do a cross comparison with the kid from that night. If there are too many similarities, dude has to head on home.
So, back to that fateful night… I was on a streak. I was newly single and broken hearted. The Kid wouldn't be the first guy to see my bed that month and he wouldn't be the last. My good friend and I decided to hit up one of the neighborhood bars to check out a hip hop (using the term loosely) show. As I said, I had a few too many Jamesons and essentially picked a young man out of the crowd. I am sure he was ok looking, but who cares. This isn’t a story about a hot one night tryst. It’s a tale of drunken sex with a random dude that probably used his cousin RayRay’s ID to get into the bar. Hey, I never said this was a glowing account of my judgment. It’s bad.
It went like this… Too many drinks, a look across a bar, a sloppy pick up that probably went something like “Do you want to have sex with me?” We established that he had no car. So, I asked my friend if she minded one more on the ride back to my place. She didn’t. However, she did kinda mind the stop at the pharmacy so I could buy condoms. This was my best decision of the night, people. Having my friend stop at the pharmacy while she and some random, nameless guy waited in the car for me to buy condoms. This was the high point of the night.
My friend dropped me and random dude off and we spent the first few minutes in my living room looking at random shit on the internet and if I’m not mistaken, he was kind enough to play me some of his music. I’m not going to say I remember it at all, but I doubt it was good. I am willing to bet that it sounded like most of the music made on the South Side of Houston by 19 year old would be rappers. Then I fucked him. Look, there’s no hot lead it. It was pretty much just like that … He played me some clips of him rapping, then we had sex.
I think the sex sobered me up a bit. I remember he was small. And, I remember he was very fast. We had sex around 5 times in the course of about 45 minutes. Yeah. I’m not exaggerating. I wish I was. I never came close to an orgasm and I remember just hoping as he quickly did his business that each one would be the last. But, I brought him there and he was very enthusiastic, so I just forced myself to put on a happy face and bear it. Then I passed out.
The next morning, I drove him back to his mama’s house on my way to work. As he exited my car, a group of guys standing on his porch yelled out that (Man’s Name) had been shot the night before, but he was okay. This was just about the only interesting detail of this encounter. As he closed the door, he leaned toward the window. “Can I have your number?” The most humane thing I could think to do was say “No” and just drive away. As I drove away, I could hear a combination of chatter about who I was and the shooting the night before. I sincerely hope that the young man and his friend are both alive and well, but I wouldn’t be able to point him out in a crowd, so I will never know. It doesn’t matter. The moral of this story is, if you are going to pick up a 19 year old at a bar and have horrible sex with him, make sure you have a friend around to witness it all and give you shit for the next 5 years. And give the guy cab fare, don’t drive him back to his mama’s house. It can only end badly.