Monday, October 18, 2010

For Lulu

I love my readers.  I really do.  Whether they are emailing me saying they disagree with my ways, or commenting that they appreciate the things I say.  I love them and most days I wake up excited to write for them. I like to be challenged and I like to be supported.  The growth that has come from the balance they bring is unreal.  Recently, some of my favorite readers have been asking for advice.  

The truth is, I don't really have any advice to give, outside of be honest.  Be honest all the time.  Don't over share and don't say things that will hurt people's feelings, but be honest.  Deciding to be honest and just be me has made all the difference in the world.  I think most of my unhappiness and insecurity came from worrying about the 'secrets' I had... The things I held back for fear of being unlovable.  Once I let them all out, I realized that all of me is lovable.  The only thing that wasn't was the dishonest side of me.  

So, just be you.  Don't try to hide who you are and how you feel.  We aren't crazy because we are women. We aren't irrational or over emotional.  We aren't conniving.  We aren't backstabbers or jealous wenches.  We are loyal.  We are brave.  We are mothers and best friends.  We are generally pretty fucking cool.  We are sexual and we are loving.  We can be strong or vulnerable.  We can have moments of unimaginable strength and glory and moments of crying on the floor, but we are beautiful at all times.  The only thing I would like to say in regards to women and my friends as a whole is that we need to stop hiding ourselves.  We need to stop trying to one up each other or appear stronger than one another.  We need to realize that there is no fault in weakness. There is no fault in sadness.  Own it when you feel it.  Support your fellow women when they feel it.  And realize that you are at your full worth whether you feel you are a super hero or a sinking ship. 

Don't spend your life hiding parts of you.  Own the things you don't like and work to change them.  Don't make excuses, because no one is perfect.  Just be happy and be good to other people.  I really think this is what made me really love myself.  In honor of loving myself.  I am going to take the final step in loving me.  My name is Jehnifer.  I don't need to be anonymous anymore, because I am proud to share my moments of weakness and my moments of strength with you guys.  I will keep my lovers and friends anonymous, but this is me.  I'm 30, I'm a student and I am in love with me.  

Thanks, Lulu. <3

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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