Friday, November 26, 2010

Curtains

And another one down ... That's right, folks.  The Repeat Offender is taking his bow and exiting.  I know I don't really write enough about some of these guys.  This was the one that thoroughly confused me.  He was inconsistent with his language and what he was looking for.  He was very affectionate when we were together, very sweet, then he would go for days or a week without returning a call or text.

So, gradually his inconsistency became his consistency and I figured out that he was using me as an escape.  I was a way to get away from his real life.  He spent the night the first time we met, but we didn't have sex.  Then we had sex the next time we chilled and I didn't hear from him for about a week.  Then he would disappear/fall off the radar for another week or so.  The communication became sporadic and I filed him away.  Then, Tuesday night, he hit me up and wanted to come see me.  I let him.

We walked around campus.  Then we came back to my room and drank beer and chilled. One thing led to another and we had sex.  Then we had sex again.  Then we laid and talked until we fell asleep.  It was nice.  The next day we woke up and I got what I have wanted for a long time.  We just stayed in bed.  He didn't get up and rush off.  I haven't necessarily wanted it from him, but I have wanted to spend the day in bed with a man for a long time.  It's been a very long time since I last did that.  I think it was in my last relationship.

I got it from him.  We had sex and joked.  We drifted in and out of sleep.  Then, things got a little more serious.  He made two comments that rubbed me the wrong way and I addressed them.  They weren't huge.  They were just more inconsistency.  His actions didn't line up with each other ... His words didn't line up with other things he's said and his words and actions definitely didn't fit together.  So, we talked about it.  He tried to get me to admit that I wanted a relationship with him.  I did not.  He did, however, get me to admit I liked him.  To which I also answered, "Of course I like you.  You are in my bed and have been in my body."  Why would me liking him even be a question?

After going back and forth and him asking me to share more and more of my feelings without sharing his, we came to a conclusion.  It was a fairly simple conclusion.  Even though I didn't want a relationship with him ... (and I really didn't.)  I had even thought about how I didn't want to be with him while he slept with me the night before.  Just one of those random things your mind latches on to when you are drifting to sleep.  My mind decided to wrap around how you can have fun with someone and not see a future with them.  This is how I felt about him.  He was fun and I liked hugging him, but the sex wasn't as passionate as it was with some of my other lovers.  This was no fault of his, but I have discovered what I want in a sex partner and some of it has nothing to do with form or work the man puts in... Some of it is just in the chemistry.  He and I didn't have it.

Oh right, the simple conclusion ... (I trail off sometimes.)  So, the conclusion was that even though I didn't want a relationship with him, I was willing to put more effort into seeing him than he was with me.  I wanted to get to know him better, while he wanted to escape his real life and have the occasional fling. Right now, I am in a place where I don't want to be someone's escape fling.  I don't want to be their girlfriend, but I at least want back what I put in.  So, I told him this was it.  We went to eat and walked around town a bit.  We held hands and kissed across the table.  It was nice to pretend.

But, I had it settled in my mind that this would be the last time we would see each other.  I shared this with him and asked him to come back up and lay with me when we got back to my place.  I don't think he took me seriously when I said it would be our last time to see each other.  I turned a bit colder to him and he said it was attractive.  Of course it was.  And I think the whole thing about not seeing him again felt like a game to him.  I don't really play games like that.  He's texted twice.  I won't respond.  I meant what I said.  I don't bluff.

So, we spent 24 hours lying in my bed.  I enjoyed my last time with him, with full knowledge of where it was going and what would happen down the road.  It was going nowhere and nothing was going to happen down the road.  It's comforting to know.  It's nice not to wonder if he is going to text or call.  Because, whether he does or doesn't, the outcome will be the same.  I won't respond.

1 comment:

  1. This may not B a common situation but I wish more women were mature enough to B grown up about their feelings while still being civil and sticking to their guns when they make a decision.
    I was damn near clapping my hands when I finished reading.
    I might even say this could B in the top 2 best things I've read from your blog...and I've read them ALL. Well done.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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