Changes

I have come a long way since I started this blog four short months ago.  I started the blog with a broad, general goal set.  I didn't want to become any specific person.  I didn't want to accomplish any specific goal.  I just wanted to grow.  I wanted to become more honest and understand what it feels like to be confident in the truth.  I wanted to grow as a sexual being and to be able to own my sexuality.  I also wanted to get to know the opposite sex a bit better.

I wanted to understand myself.  I had thoughts and urges and I had been programmed to think that they were dirty or unnatural.  It wasn't just outside influence that had led me to think this way.  I drank the KoolAid.  I passed judgments on women and I passed judgments on myself.  That's all gone.  I have a new view on sex, sexuality and femininity.

When I started sharing, I wanted to see life, love and sexuality without the goals of a relationship or monogamy.  I didn't really have any view on relationships.  I just knew they hadn't been working for me. I was missing the forest for the trees.  I had been in and out of relationships with no success.  Once I stepped back, I found myself wondering what I had been doing for the past year or two of my life.  I was altering who I was and what I wanted to fit the relationship, instead of taking the time to find a relationship that fit me.

I think my take on relationships is frequently misunderstood or I have done a piss poor job at articulating my thoughts.  Most likely, I just didn't understand how I felt.  I find that guys tend to think that I am avidly against being in a relationship.  This is not the case.  I have nothing against relationships.  I frequently find myself longing for a partner.  The difference in me now and me a year ago is this: I now realize that it is a want and not a need. This mindset allows me to be more selective and create higher quality bonds with people.  I realize that some of the situations I enter into are just for momentary glory and others have a potential to last.  This allows me to be honest and open with my lovers.  If I have a higher level of self awareness, I can keep it on the level with the men I am seeing/sleeping with.

At the present, I am in a strange place.  I still want to meet the right person.  I want to have that connection, but I am not done exploring my sexuality.  Simply put, I still want to sleep around.  However, I don't see that changing.  I think it's the natural human condition to want diversity in our sex lives.  The thing is, my idea of a relationship doesn't allow for that.  If I meet a person that is worth it, I will happily give up my trysts and start my sexual exploration with one person.  I miss the comfort of being totally open with one person and the ability to ask for wants and try new things in a trusting, loving environment.  There is a lot to be said for that exploration, as well.  For now, I will be focusing on loving myself and exploring my sexuality with a plethora of attractive men.