Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Maybe Boyfriend And My Past

I have mentioned him before.  It's a situation wholly unlike the others I have written about.  Normally, my style is move fast, ask questions later.  Or don't.  A lot of the time, it's all here and gone so quickly, there is no need for questions or conversation of any sort.

Lately (the past few years), I have not been looking for anything from anyone.  I have been coasting along, bettering myself and enjoying each day as it comes.  I have been pseudo-sucked in by a few charming individuals ... Lewis and Marlon.  But, for the most part, I have kept a healthy distance and explored my sexuality with few expectations of anyone but myself.

Expecting little of other people is refreshing.  It's not as lonely as I would have expected.  It's actually allowed me to open up to people, appreciate them for who they are and create bonds that I have otherwise not been able to have.  It also allowed me to see who people really are.  This ability has given me the space to get to know people without needing them for anything at all.  I realized that in the past, I created a place for others to fill emotional needs I had.  I had a small pocket for everyone.  And it left me open to be being hurt when people didn't fulfill these 'needs' and wants.

I still want people to give as much as they take.  The only difference is, I'm not dishing out the love and favors right off the bat now.  I enter into situations on a level playing ground.  I don't need anything from you and you don't need anything from me.  I respect everyone and everyone is to respect me, but that is where the expectation ends.

My point is, I have met someone.  Never have I ever taken it this slow with a person.  We both wanted to take it slow, which is great by me.  But, we are also forced to take it slow due to the fact that he is living in Houston and I am in New England.  This has given us the opportunity to talk and get to know each other a bit.  But, it's not that interesting for you guys. There's not really any juicy details.  I could tell you about how we text each other and call each other with silly jokes.  I could tell you that I am keeping him at arms length.  Or that I fantasize about what it's like to kiss him.  How I'm scared that we won't be sexually compatible ... but I hope it's the best sex of both our lives.

I could talk about how I think about what it's going to be like to have sex with someone I know. It's been a long time.  I had sex with both Marlon and Lewis the day I met them (in person).  I had chatted with both of them.  In case you don't remember, I met Lewis on FB and through a friend and I met Marlon on a dating site.  I started having feelings for them after I had already slept with them, so it's impossible to ever know how I would have felt if we had taken it slow.  I have no way to know how I felt about them before sex, because there was no them before sex.

So, I am two dates and over a month in with this guy and the sum total of our physical interaction is two hugs.  But, we are getting to know each other in a way I haven't gotten to know anyone in a long time.  And, I think that is possible because of the choices I have made in my recent past.  I am confident in myself.  I know that no matter how this works out, I will be just fine.  It has been great up to this point and if it continues down this road, then all the better.  If it does not, I will go back to living the fabulous life I have built for myself.

I expect respect from him.  The only thing that makes this situation differ from my other recent encounters is that I am just dealing with him right now.  I might see Marlon, I might not.  But at this point, day-to-day, he's the only man in my life.  And he acts like it.  He is kind.  He is caring.  He says nice things and he compliments me and it's been a long time since I had one man that was doing all these things.  I don't need it.  But, I if it was a large sum of money, I would get naked and roll around in it.  I have spoiled myself in the past few months.  I have given myself whatever I wanted.  And now, I want him.  I want his kind words and I want his attention.

The thing that feels the best is that I am finally in a place where I can want it without needing it at all. And that not only makes this a great situation for me, but I think it's going to prove to be pretty beneficial for him too. Who knew my wonderfully torrid past would open a door for some lucky man?  Guess we never know what's going to happen.  Good thing he's been open minded enough to not care about the blog or my past.  He lets me own it as mine and he just reaps the benefits of the person it's helped me become.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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