Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Long Distance

My last relationship would never have made it.  I honestly feel like nothing could have changed our fate.  We just weren't meant to be.  But, I don't think it helped that, after three years together, he moved out of Houston.  Having a long-distance relationship was tough.  It wasn't just the distance, but the distance after having him so close for so long. We played like we were going to make it work for another two years, then I moved to another state.  If putting 200 miles between us couldn't kill us, putting 1,000 between us could and did do the job.  Like I said, it was doomed before we started clocking mileage to see each other.  But, I swore I would never have another long-distance relationship.

I swore off long-distance relationships long before I swore off relationships.  After my ex and I broke up, after I took some time, I thought I would start dating again and I had hopes that I would meet someone.  After the dating started, I realized I wasn't as easy to please as I had been in my younger days. Yet, I was easier to please.  And, I was doing a fine job of pleasing myself.  So, dating became something else for me.  It became an accessory in a wonderful life.  It was no longer a crutch.  It was no longer me and my broken heart trying to scrape and claw my way to the surface for air.  It was just something fun that made a wonderful life even more fulfilling and a little more complicated.  But, nothing's fun if it's easy. I've always been a girl that loved a healthy challenge.

However, long-distance relationships haven't been a challenge I have enjoyed.  Good thing this isn't a relationship.  I don't really know what this is.  But I met someone. And he's far away.  Talk about writer's block.  The distance between me and this guy is nothing compared to the distance my feelings for him have created between me and this blog.  I have sat down numerous times to write.  I have thought about writing about crushes.  I have thought about writing about a lot of things, but I don't know what to say.  This blog is like the relationship that just isn't working.  It's just run its course. It's become my new long-distance relationship.  I'm not saying it's over.  Things like this go in phases and I am the last person to jump the gun and jump out of a relationship before it's time.

That having been said, I am not serial dating, at the moment.  I am definitely not anyone's girlfriend.  But, I'm also not seeing multiple people.  Let's face it, it got pretty real there for a bit.  And I'm a woman, not a machine.  I have to give myself props for pulling the juggling act that I pulled for as long as I did.  I needed a breather.  I took one.  Then, while I was in Houston this last time, I jumped back in.  I lined up a week-long dating spree.  One guy for every day.  Trouble is, three dates into what looked like a fresh start, I met him.  Then, I cancelled all my other plans and he became dates four and five as well.

We ate sushi, we went to the movies, we had coffee.  We didn't jump straight into bed.  We didn't even kiss.  I have talked to him every day for just under a month, and I wonder every day what it's like to kiss him.  I wonder what his touch feels like.  But, for now, it remains a fantasy.  I had forgotten what it was like to long for someone.

All of the dating was amazing.  It was wonderful, but everything has it's place and time.  I didn't force anything.  I didn't push myself or anyone else into anything.  When I told men that I didn't want anything from them but sex and/or friendship, I meant it.  I wasn't ready.  And, I don't know if I am ready now, so I am taking things really slowly.  So, for now, I am spending my days taking photos, writing essays, dancing and talking to this one guy that lives really far away.

(Of course, I'm masturbating.  I just didn't want to mess up the flow of that sweet and innocent sentence at the end.)

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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