Thursday, February 10, 2011

Reminders

I've spent the past month or so working to forget Marlon. Of all the men I have dated and written about, Marlon is the one that complicated everything.  So, I chose to forget him, because preparing myself and knowing we had an expiration date wasn't working.  It's funny how that works ... you can tell yourself one thing all day long, but the details start to pile up and they cloud the reality that still exists in the foggy background.  My exit sits looming like the plane in the last scene of Casablanca.  I know I have to go.  There will be a point when I will say goodbye to Marlon for good. I've said it over and over again.  I've known this fact from day one.  Yet, when I typed it just now, my stomach turned.

There are two realities.  Probably more, but we'll just go with two for now.  I am leaving.  I met a guy in a transient period in my life.  I told myself it was temporary and that I wouldn't get attached.  I dated and slept with other men and I went on with my life.  That's where I live most of the time.  But, like an addict, even when I'm not using, he comes in flashes in my mind.  It's like an alarm clock that I don't set.  It just randomly goes off.  But it works in reverse.  It sucks me out of my reality and into the dream, into the memory of very real things that happened in the past, but won't be again.

But still, the flashes come.  Glimpses of his touch, his kiss.  A faint memory of standing in my hallway laughing and kissing him.  Vivid memories of him inside me, making love all night.  It was never just sex with him.  There was always something more.  That's why it's hanging on to me.  Great sex with a connection settles in your bones.  It almost becomes a part of you.

I debate seeing him again.  We've talked about it like it's going to happen, but I don't know what to do.  There are so many real reasons not to.  I've met someone.  Someone I really like.  Someone that I believe, with time, will overpower the memories of Marlon.  Someone I can see myself dropping walls and being with.  I haven't met anyone that I wanted that with, not even Marlon.  I am, as always, highly conflicted.

Even though I knew I would never be in a relationship with Marlon, when I'm with him, everything else goes away.  He is like a drug.  And when he leaves, it's like coming down.  It's painful and if I see him again and I know I'm saying goodbye for the last time, it will hurt too bad.  Not to mention, I am in the weird beginning stages with someone else.  I wish I could have had all this sorted out before I met The Maybe Boyfriend, but you can't plan things like this.  I thought I was just dating.  Turns out I'm making real decision and dealing with real feelings, including, but not limited to, my own.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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