Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Predicament

I haven't written in a while, because I really wasn't sure what to say. I have been talking to this guy.  I met him right before I left Houston and I am not sure where it's going, but we have been talking a whole lot about the future and while I have mentioned my fear of commitment, it doesn't seem to be stopping either of us from making plans.

I had a lapse in judgment and made plans to meet my ex for drinks.  In a spark of memory and common sense, I cancelled.  So, as I sat at my parents' house avoiding a huge mistake and bored out of my mine, I decided to reactivate my OkCupid account. This guy was the only person I messaged. He messaged back immediately and we texted all night. We texted for two days, then we decided to have dinner. We met for sushi ... well ... First, we went to two different sushi restaurants.  But, once we figured all that out, we met for sushi and it was great. We laughed and had a great time.  We stayed for close to four hours and shut down the restaurant.  Then, he hugged me and I was on my way.  He was a perfect gentleman.  I didn't really know how to deal with that.

As I drove home, I wondered ... Did he like me?  He texted me to call him when I made it home safe, so he wouldn't worry.  I did. The next morning, he texted, Good morning.  We exchanged a few texts and I asked him what he was doing for the rest of the day. His answer was, Hanging out with you??? I have to admit I was pretty thrilled. This meant he did like me.  So, we went to see Black Swan and then we went to Starbucks to talk.  Again, we talked for a while and then we parted ways.  Again, he hugged me goodbye, and I haven't seen him (in person) since.

We met just a few days before I left Houston and I have been out with him all of twice and I've known him all of two weeks. So, all we are doing is flirting via text, Facebook and video chat.  We both wanted to take whatever this is slowly.  So, it was kind of perfect that we had no other choice, because I was going to be over a thousand miles away.  We went out two days in a row and then I caught a plane back to New England.  I haven't seen anyone or slept with anyone since. Granted it's only been two weeks, but considering I hadn't been with anyone for about two weeks before I met him, this is the longest I've gone without sex in a long time.

So, here we are in that strange place.  We will probably try our hand at monogamy one day.  The signs all point to possible future boyfriend.  But, I don't want to rush it.  I definitely won't force it and I am very scared of the idea of it.  I took time.  I wanted to better myself.  I wanted to have lots of great sex.  And I did that. But I don't know if I'm ready to stop.  I was really into the dating at the beginning of summer.  I remember it.  I was like a kid in a candy shop.  But, over the past few months, my excitement has tapered off.  Yeah sex is great.  I really like it.  But the truth was, I found my few really great sex partners and I stuck with them.  I had a few great one-timers, but their personalities made them impossible to revisit.

So, I'm now in an interesting place.  I am currently talking to the new guy in Houston.  (We'll call him The Maybe Boyfriend.) But, I am also texting a guy I still haven't met that lives in Hartford.  You might remember him, The Stranger.   Yeah.  That guy still exists.  He was very clear that he was not looking for a relationship at all, so he is still a possibility for a last roll in the hay with a ... well, a stranger.

Then, there's the real trouble. Marlon is still in the picture.  He's another one that I was never going to have a relationship with.  But, we knew where we stood with each other.  We care about each other and we enjoy being together. The thought of never seeing him again is unbearable at this point.  It's one of those things you would rather just happen.  Maybe he'll just fade out of my mind.  Of course, neither of us are going to let it happen that way.  We text each other every other day and I am positive that he and I will have at least one more meeting before I pack up and leave New England forever.  My only worry is, will I be able to let him go forever?  If I start a relationship with The Maybe Boyfriend, I will have to say goodbye to Marlon and recount him only in my memories. The thought of it makes me sick, but staying alone for the possibility of seeing Marlon once a year and having random sex the rest of the time isn't a possibility.  This is obviously not going to happen.

So, if the moment comes when I meet someone, I will go with the flow.  And if I should stay single and keep going the way I have, that's not a shabby fate either.  In a few months, I will either go home to Houston and keep dating, or I will go home to Houston and start building something with The Maybe Boyfriend.  Either way, on May 15th, I will say goodbye to New England and to Marlon.  And, on that day, I will be very sad, but I will not be broken hearted.  Who knew that even when you set out to date with a goal of no relationships or monogamy, you could still fall face first into romance?  Marlon and I were never going to offer each other anything more than sex, friendship and honesty. And we never pretended it would be more. With Marlon, I had my first honest romantic relationship.  Who knew what the truth could do for a person?  I guess the healthy relationships leave you a better person. That's just what Marlon did for me.  And though it will sadden me, I think I am ready to move on.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.