Some Methods, More Madness

My original goal of starting this blog was a funny tell-all for myself and my friends.  As soon as I wrote my first entry, I realized it as a sort of catharsis.  It would soon turn into a way for me to tell my truths as a sort of support tool for other women.  Then, in a final twist, I realized that men related to it as well.  Men that I am dating or friends with have been able to read and feel a little less alone in the craziness that is dating.

So, the blog is about dating.  But that's just the surface.  More than being about dating or sex, it's about the truth that is individual to everyone.  Whose truth? is a big question when looking at any story.  Different versions don't necessarily equal out to - someone is lying.  Different versions of the same story are, at times, just the different perspectives.  When it comes to one truth, I don't know that I believe such a thing exists.  Honesty, however, is one thing that I have found hope in.

I have trust issues.  I can honestly say that a guy screwed me over on that.  I trusted him and he was really shitty.  I am good with owning my part of it, but I refuse to believe that trusting someone and loving them is a set up for being fucked over.  I frequently hear, "well it takes two to have a bad relationship," but the truth is, it was a good relationship.  Sometimes things just happen.  Those things don't make him a horrible person, they just make him a person that was and possibly still is too weak to own his truth and be honest about it.  So, in my attempt to work through my trust issues, I am not looking for a universal truth, but I am looking for the version of the story that is told from an honest place.  Ultimate truth is a legend reserved for court rooms and wedding chapels.  The idea of universal truth is a big universal lie.

I am glad that I entered into this exploration to learn more about myself and not to discover some truth or right way of doing things.  I'm glad I didn't expect to get some grasp of what the truth is about men and relationships.  Because, I don't believe that truth exists.  I think people just drift around the dating world. They all have different feelings and motives and they all have the capacity to be honest or dishonest.  I choose honesty and I choose to realize that while my feelings might vary from person to person, my truth stays the same.  I lose sight of it from time to time.  I got homesick and lonely and thought I might get into a relationship with Todd.  I had feelings for The Repeat Offender and Lewis, but I knew I didn't want relationships with either of them.

The fact of the matter is, even if I feel myself falling for someone, I have nothing to offer a relationship.  It can be tempting to plant my flag on a man that I like a lot.  Part of me wants to make them mine, to throw caution to the wind and dive in head first.  But, I have to remain honest.  I haven't gone through the ups and downs of these past few months to stop my growing process when it's still incomplete.  And, my truth is, I am not ready to love.

*More about why I am not ready to love to come ...

My Week Of Online Dating Mishaps/Disasters/What The Fu.....

Okay, so apparently the online dating gods want to make sure I have good material to keep my readership up, because the insanity keeps pouring in daily.  So I got a new message in my "prospective date" turned "probably not" inbox.  Apparently the pond got polluted, because while there are plenty of fish, most of them are nuts.  I don't mean to say this guy is nuts... But, his message had me looking over my shoulder.

I need some opinions on this one, people.

The Message:

Title - "Nice Blog (: You possess sexual agency

Body -

"Hi, I read your blog before, and I am impressed with your ability to garner agency in your sex life.  I have some pics to share, and I travel and stay not that far from you.  I possess the intellectual ability to converse on many level(s).  You will enjoy my company very much(:  Send me an email address and I'll send you pic(s) of me from head to toe(: TTYL, C."

Not so super strange on the surface, right?  Well, here are the details that made me say "What tha ..."

A.  There is no direct link between this blog and my online dating profile.  The link to the blog isn't on my profile.

B.  My real name is only in two posts here on the blog and it's shortened on the profile.

C.  Dude lives in Cleveland, OH.  So, I didn't just turn up on a random search.

So, either he reads the blog and he decided to search for my profile or he stumbled upon me and recognized my pic.  And, since he reads the blog, he's probably going to read this post.  Dave Chappelle was right.  The internet is a creepy place.

*Hopefully my friends are just playing another prank on me... remember the late night phone masturbator.  Good stuff.  I'm just going to hope this is one of them ...

This Is What I Meant

So, this guy hit me up on a dating site and I decided I had to share.
This is his profile: I considered not including his name, but it was necessary.  And I don't think it's his real name.

This was his message to me:

"Hello
how was your day?
Anything new and exciting happen?
I am wrAPPING UP THIS ..OOPPS!( cAPs)
I am in school finishing up on some projects for a grade.
I did many and I hope I passed.
I am taking up photoshop and audio video in school
My biggest problem was finding and saving my work
I make my teacher laugh
but he has been helpful in showing me more and new things
when I master those skills
if you are interested
I can send you what I created.
What do you do and what do you like doing as your passion in life?
Myself, once I get rolling on it would be to create new ideas and share them as well
how has the dating been going for you
for me, not so good."


This was my response:


"I think I know why its not going so well for you ... 
Here's the list: 

1. You say your profession is an escort. Are you looking for women to pay you? Not going to happen.

2. You have no picture on your profile. 

3. I think you meant cunnilingus, not cunnilitis. Cunnilitis sounds like a swollen vagina. 

4. Your profile says you drink more than 3 times a week and that you do drugs more than 3 times a week. 

5. You are separated, which means you are technically still married to someone. 

6. You were trained by a "masseuse" not a "Masseause." And why were you trained by a professional, but you aren't one. Imma need you to become a therapist and not just be trained by one. 

7. And why did you just send me a message about your whole day? You should have probably just asked how I was doing and built up to that ... if I asked, which I wouldn't have, because you have no pic and my profile clearly says I don't talk to guys with no pic. Obviously you didn't read my profile. Unfortunately, I read yours. 

You might be a very nice person, but your profile is booty and not in the good way." 

___________________________________________________________

I know ... it's harsh and stuck up as shit, but if no one ever levels with him, he'll never learn. I am sure he will respond and curse me out.  I'll let you guys know what happens. 

Online Dating Is Killing My Soul

It started off so good.  I met The Beautiful One online. I had a summer full of fun dates.  They were a combination of friends of friends, Facebook hook ups (remember, Lewis was a Facebook hook up turned summer romance) and choice candidates from online dating sites.  It was like a magical blend of eligible men.  But lately, I have had to resort to dating solely online.  This isn't good.

In the beginning, it was beautiful.  I would get dressed up and go out with men.  We would go out to eat or just go chill.  The conversation was good.  The sex was good and wholesome.  I got on a bus and rode into downtown to meet The Beautiful One and it was great.  It could have been seedy or strange, but it wasn't.  He was a gentleman.  He was polite and he was gorgeous.  The sex was wonderful and the perfect combination of hot and gentle.  He even took me to the airport when I left to come up here.  He was just one (the best) of many good experiences.  

I experienced some lulls.  Nothing big, just no good candidates.  In this time, I would just chill with the guys I had already formed relationships with.  It was pretty good, even when it was bad.  Even since I have gotten up here, I have had some good dates and good experiences.  I have made a really good friend and I have had some good sex.  But, in the past two weeks, I have had some shifts in luck and things went terribly wrong somewhere.  

There was the whole spit in the mouth request thing.  I'm still not ready to talk about that. Then, this past weekend, a man came all the way from Boston (a 2 hour drive) to explain that he was prone to worrying ... oh and he was possibly going to lose his job for blowing off work to come out.  Then he decided he should just go back home, after staring at me for long periods at a time without saying anything.  And by "me," I mean my breasts.  Dude was nice enough on the phone and on chat and he was cute.  Very cute, actually.  But dude was creepy.  He paced in my room for about 20 minutes while deciding if he was going to drive back to Boston and save his job or stay and creep me out for the weekend.  It might have gotten better if he had been here longer, but I was glad he just decided to head out.  His 3 hour visit was long enough.  I explained the rest of the weekend to you guys already.  

I'm just not having the best luck on the dating scene.  So, as I have told you already, I am going to step back and evaluate my situation.  In my first two years here, I didn't date.  The only time I had sex was when I went home and had unhealthy hook-ups with my ex.  But for months at a time, I was solo and I was just fine with it.  I would say that since I have been going out up here, I am a bit calmer.  It's easier to roll with the punches when you are getting laid regularly, but it's not worth the strange mishaps.  

The trouble with online dating is, you pick men based off of what they want to portray to you.  If a guy is socially awkward, he's not going to put that.  He's going to put up pics of him doing cool shit and say that he is "the nicest, most laid back guy you will meet."  Online dating is all about self promotion.  A guy isn't going to put that he wants you to spit in his mouth, he'll put that he is concerned with the environment and loves puppies.  No one tells you on a dating site that if they are 20 minutes late on their meds, they might pace in your room for an hour.  They check mixed race, because they are a mix of French and Dutch on their mama's side and Irish on their dad's side.  They say they are 5'11" and show up at a striking 5'6".  You have to trust total strangers and sometimes, they lead you astray. 

So, you miss out on the flirtation that makes you forget that a dude is an inch shorter than you.  You pay attention to numbers on a sidebar, carefully selected photos and a list of attributes that only a dude's mom would see in him.  Like I said, some of the guys are great.  But, for the most part, you are just blindly clicking photos, that end up not looking like the guy at all.  Then you end up sitting through a movie with a guy you have no interest in and hoping that he doesn't ask you to dinner after.  Or, in extreme cases you end up completely sober, with a dude on your floor that got too drunk to drive home.  I'm not proud to say it, but I even had sex with this guy that was so bland it was like masturbating with a human.  

So, online dating isn't cutting it anymore.  I need real adult outings with real human beings.  I need to be out with real friends in an environment I know.  I need the comfort of running into people that I have known for years and the safety net of having people to call if I get in a pinch.  My options are so limited here, I am casting too wide of a net.  So, I am drawing the net in.  My friends can hold me to this.  The Serial Dater will be dating a lot less.  That is until late December when I fly back to my Mecca.  That's right folks.  I am going back to Houston.  With all good fortune, The Beautiful One will pick me from the same airport he dropped me at three months ago.  I'm sure I will chill with Lewis (no sex, we're just friends now), but even if I only see the two of them, my heart, mind and body will be happy.  

Discipline

Discipline means more to me now than it ever has.  I go to the gym, regularly.  I eat better than I ever have.  I don't drink often and when I do, I do it in moderation ('cept that one recent occurrence ... apologies to The Good Date.)  I have my priorities and goals and I have created a lifestyle that hopes to lead me to those goals.

The one area of my life in which I have lost all grasps on discipline is my sex life.  In the past couple of months, I have indulged when, where and with whomever I chose.  I have fulfilled fantasies for myself and for my partners.  I have had amazing sex.  I have had good sex.  I have had mediocre sex.  I have had bad sex.  I have had sex that made me feel great and sex that left me confused.

The summer was different.  I had a few partners and I saw them over and over again.  I didn't bounce nearly as much as I do now.  I haven't had sex with even close to all of the people with which I went on dates.  But, since getting back to New England, I have gone on dates with almost 20 men. Yeah ... I've been doing some dating.  Like I said, I haven't knocked it outta the park with many of them.  However, there have been more than were worth it.

I had the great and okay experiences that I chose to write about.  And I have had some not so great experiences.  Some I didn't even choose to write about or explore with you guys.  There was the situation with the guy that drove all the way from Boston, just to sleep for three hours, wake up, pace in my room for another 30 minutes, then tell me he was going to lose his job if he stayed.  He said he had been written up the week before and had to go.  I was not sorry to see him leave.  The whole experience was odd, odd, odd.  I did not have sex of any sort or kiss this guy.

I have been talking to and twice chilled with a guy that goes to a neighboring college.  He's close to my age and cute.  He's a smart guy and we joke and flirt well.  I did have sex with this guy.  We were half asleep and it was probably not his best showing, as he was tired.  But he's cute and he has a comfortable and attractive body.  His personality is warm and I enjoy his company.  We might get to give it another try in the sack.  We'll see.

Other than that, I have just had some duds.  My sexual exploration can really only be met and fulfilled with partners that are willing to put in work.  Marlon, The Player and The Powerful One were all good partners.  Then I have situations like I had last night.  The situation last night was really different.  I went on a date with a guy that was very sweet, however, he was not my type at all.  I have a big personality and this guy did not.  He was shy and quiet.  Sparking conversation was difficult at best.  And yet, I decided that I wanted to have sex with him.

I had some drinks in me.  This is never a good idea.  I have mentioned before that I hate drunk sex.  Sex is supposed to be fun and active.  When drunk, it defeats itself.  So, that is what I got last night.  I got drunk sex with a guy that didn't peak my interest at all.  When I woke this morning and ushered him out of my bed, I decided that it is most definitely time to pump the brakes.  I will be withdrawing some troops asap.  I am only keeping 3 currents.  I won't be texting, or seeing or sleeping with anyone else.

I will keep talking to the guy from the nearby school (he might eventually earn a title.)  I will keep talking to The Good Dater, because he has become a sort of a staple in my life now.  And, I will consider seeing Marlon again.  I am very doubtful that will happen, but again, we'll see.  I liked him a lot, but I am fickle and I don't see that we will be seeing each other again soon, so I foresee losing my interest quickly.  We are both dating other people and anything we shared was surface, so I am sure it will not be able to withstand what time and distance do to interest.

So, my sex life is about to join my eating habits and workout routines.  It is about to become a disciplined part of my life.  I want to grow sexually and I want to enjoy my body.  In order to do that, I need to create greater boundaries.  I will still give in to my urges, but I won't have sex like I did last night.  I don't even know what I was going for, but I know it wasn't in a healthy place.  I didn't have sex for love or strong sexual urges.  And, since no other needs can be met through sex, I need to take a step back and make sure that the loneliness of these cold New England winters doesn't lead me to a place where I am having sex to fulfill things that sex can't fulfill.  This has been a self-check kinda day.  Now, it's time to move forward.

Sex With Your Boyfriend ...

... I'm not trying to have it.

Mixed Messages

So, as you all know, The Repeat Offender will repeat no longer.  He is out of the picture.  He didn't have the same level of interest in me that I had in him.  Even though I don't want a relationship, I do still have certain expectations of the men I am seeing/dating/sleeping with/hanging out with.  Maybe its a double standard of sorts.

Sometimes I feel like an asshole, because I can't offer anything traditional to men, yet I have these unconventional wants.  I want them to be attentive and kind, without the security that a relationship can offer.  If they say they are going to visit, I want them to follow through.  If they say they want to see me again, I want them to do more than just text me for the next three weeks.  It's not really asking that much.  I don't want to be used for sex.  I want to do other things than just sleep together.  I don't have sex with men that I don't like.  So, I want to spend time with the men I am sleeping with.  If they choose to hang out with me, I don't want them to text ahead of time and ask "are we going to have sex?"  I need them to take their chances and I need them to hang out with me because they want to.  Not because they want to have sex and go home.  I have no place for empty sex.

And yet, I want sex with multiple partners.  I am not ready to settle down with just one man or only have one partner.  But, I catch feelings and I get salty.  On one hand I am like the perks of a girlfriend without having to be monogamous. On the other hand, I require attention without the security of a relationship.  There are ups and downs to all things and I offer a mixed bag of goodies and downfalls.  You would think that the freedom to see whomever you choose and still be able to spend time with me would be a good thing.  I am, frequently, the only woman the men I'm seeing are totally honest with.  They can tell me that they are seeing other people.  I don't want the details, but I do appreciate knowing the truth.  I don't expect anyone to stop seeing other people just because we have started talking.

That having been said, I am amazed at the number of men that expect that from me.  The Repeat Offender was one of them.  After we had established that I had more interest in him than he in me, we somehow found ourselves talking about sexual partners.  He, knowing that I am as honest as possible with men, asked how many men I had been with since the first time he and I had had sex.  I took a moment and he asked me if I was thinking of a safe answer.  I replied simply, "No, I'm counting."

He was not too happy with my answer.  Seems that even though he wasn't really interested in me and definitely didn't want a relationship with me, I was supposed to want one from him.  And even though he would go for days without responding to me, I should have been pining away for him, sitting by the phone, patiently.  Todd felt the same way.  He felt that even though he wasn't expressing any feelings for me, I should have been overflowing with feelings for him.  So, The Repeat Offender didn't like my answer.  His ego took over and he wanted to know who was the best.  The truth was, Marlon was the best.  Hands down.  And The Powerful One would have been second, but there were no feelings involved there.  So, I answered his question truthfully and just as he had shared news that didn't feel too great to me, I shared news that wasn't great for him.

On a side note, The Train Guy ... remember him? ... He texted me today asking if I was still his, or if I was stepping out on him.  What the hell?  After I put it on him on the train from Chicago to Houston, he came to visit me in Houston and we had some of the most amazing sex I have ever had.  We traveled across the country together by chance.  It was so romantic, then I found out he had a girlfriend and thus started the blog and the summer/fall of amazing sex.  I have spent the last 15 years choking on double standards and now, in response, I have created my own.

The question is, with all of these expectations, limitations, mixed messages and double standards, when does anyone find the room or time to just be happy?