Thursday, December 2, 2010

Some Methods, More Madness

My original goal of starting this blog was a funny tell-all for myself and my friends.  As soon as I wrote my first entry, I realized it as a sort of catharsis.  It would soon turn into a way for me to tell my truths as a sort of support tool for other women.  Then, in a final twist, I realized that men related to it as well.  Men that I am dating or friends with have been able to read and feel a little less alone in the craziness that is dating.

So, the blog is about dating.  But that's just the surface.  More than being about dating or sex, it's about the truth that is individual to everyone.  Whose truth? is a big question when looking at any story.  Different versions don't necessarily equal out to - someone is lying.  Different versions of the same story are, at times, just the different perspectives.  When it comes to one truth, I don't know that I believe such a thing exists.  Honesty, however, is one thing that I have found hope in.

I have trust issues.  I can honestly say that a guy screwed me over on that.  I trusted him and he was really shitty.  I am good with owning my part of it, but I refuse to believe that trusting someone and loving them is a set up for being fucked over.  I frequently hear, "well it takes two to have a bad relationship," but the truth is, it was a good relationship.  Sometimes things just happen.  Those things don't make him a horrible person, they just make him a person that was and possibly still is too weak to own his truth and be honest about it.  So, in my attempt to work through my trust issues, I am not looking for a universal truth, but I am looking for the version of the story that is told from an honest place.  Ultimate truth is a legend reserved for court rooms and wedding chapels.  The idea of universal truth is a big universal lie.

I am glad that I entered into this exploration to learn more about myself and not to discover some truth or right way of doing things.  I'm glad I didn't expect to get some grasp of what the truth is about men and relationships.  Because, I don't believe that truth exists.  I think people just drift around the dating world. They all have different feelings and motives and they all have the capacity to be honest or dishonest.  I choose honesty and I choose to realize that while my feelings might vary from person to person, my truth stays the same.  I lose sight of it from time to time.  I got homesick and lonely and thought I might get into a relationship with Todd.  I had feelings for The Repeat Offender and Lewis, but I knew I didn't want relationships with either of them.

The fact of the matter is, even if I feel myself falling for someone, I have nothing to offer a relationship.  It can be tempting to plant my flag on a man that I like a lot.  Part of me wants to make them mine, to throw caution to the wind and dive in head first.  But, I have to remain honest.  I haven't gone through the ups and downs of these past few months to stop my growing process when it's still incomplete.  And, my truth is, I am not ready to love.

*More about why I am not ready to love to come ...

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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