Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Grown Folks

I decided to go all in with Marlon and tell him exactly how I felt.  I have been playing push/pull with him. (And not in the good way.)  It's got to be too much for both of us.  I was not handling it well, so I decided to put it all out there and open up instead of shutting down. *Note ... I don't send guys emails.  They can read the blog if they want to know how I feel, but he asked me to explain my feelings in an email.  So, this is what I sent. 
____________________________________________________
Dear Marlon,

Preface:

It took me a while to figure it out.  I say I am "fickle" about Marlon in order to guard myself.  It's easier than saying "I am emotionally stunted and it is going to take me a few tries to figure out how to handle my feelings."  I have been talking to this guy.  He surprised me.  I am not sure what it is that hits someone ... what jumps out of one person and strikes another, but it hit me.  I have feelings for Marlon that extend beyond any I have had in a long time.  Being emotionally stunted, I jumped from thought to thought.  Possibility to possibility. All or nothing kinda stuff. But, in the end, I just really like him.  And I don't know what that means.

In the past, a structured monogamous relationship or a "commitment" were the ways I dealt with feelings.  There was a place that it went. Instead of just feeling something and enjoying it, I was always looking for the next step.  Liking someone was like climbing stairs with a goal, a destination to reach at the top.  Trouble was, that was grueling.  It was a lot of hard work and I never reached that goal.  I never came to that fictional promised land everyone had told me existed.

What I did get from my relationships was a skill-set that would come to haunt me. 
_______________________________________________

This does apply to you.  This is how.  My only dating goal right now is to be open and to see how life works without seeking a relationship.  This thing with you has been my first challenge.  Of course it's not hard to fight the urge to be in a relationship with guys you don't want to be in a relationship with, but with you it's different.  You are the first person I would actually like spending lots of time with.  You are the first guy I have met in years that I would want to be with if I were not clear on where I stand.

I have dealt with bouts of loneliness.  I have thought about relationships, out of shear want to not be alone.  But, I haven't met anyone that I wanted. But, I want you. 

The last time I was in a situation where the man I wanted was dating and sleeping with other people, I was being cheated on.  It was all negative and full of lies.  It was a symptom of a greater problem.  It was a sign that he had grown tired of me and that he wanted to explore things without me.  His exploration with other women was the beginning of the end of "us."

So, I am primed and conditioned to feel a sense of loss when I think of a guy I care about being with other people.  I am working against years of hurt.  Years of pain and deceit that left me the loser in the end.  I think of you dating other people and I think that it will eventually mean and end to whatever we are doing.   I think you will inevitably fall for someone and you will want to be with them only.  When this happens, you will be callus.  It's just the way things go.  All is fair.  And I am hurt again. 

So, it's not fickle.  It's quite deliberate.  I go back and forth with this battle.  I just stop talking to you and then it goes away.  Or, I challenge myself to deal with the feelings and try to scrape away the residue that has been left on my psyche.  I know this seems like a lot of thought for such a casual relationship.  But, once you have taken enough punches, you learn how to block.  The thing that we have working for us is the honesty.  That sets all this apart. 

So, I am trying.  And I am starting with respecting you and not putting shit from my past on this situation we have here. 

This part is really tough.  I will fight the urge to be a smart ass or make tough-girl jokes. ***Here goes: You are not something/one I can or will be fickle about.  I respect you and I want you in my life as long as it makes us both happy.  If one of us is made unhappy by the situation we both knowingly created, we will cease.  But, I will not take this lightly and I won't pull the bullshit I have been pulling.  I am sorry.  All I ask is that you understand and respect how important honesty is to me.  My trust is vulnerable.

-Jehn

*I'll let you know what he says.

2 comments:

  1. Wow...Good for you for being so bold about your feelings. It's so difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable but in order to have something real with someone you have to be vulnerable. I hope you get the response you are looking for, whatever that may be. Much luck!

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  2. this is somewhat similar to how I felt a few months ago (well about 6 now) about a guy I refer to as BND. We click in every way and I kept trying to say it was nothing really but inside I was screaming to have him be mine but then that claiming means sooo much more that I wasn't sure I was ready for and when when I did confess it...he had reconciled with his ex and yet still wants the "us" but not all of the "us" and I don't know if I can do that..I've been trying but because I want, I think all of it...I've had to push back. hopefully your transparency proves to be effective and understood.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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