Sunday, December 19, 2010

New Boys, Exes, Hickeys And Marriage

Yesterday was my first official day in Houston.  It was fabulous.  I went to the mall with my mama, and prepared for the evening ahead.  I came back to town a little earlier than scheduled to attend a good friend's engagement party.

This was not to be just any engagement party.  There was a twist.  My ex would be there with his new girlfriend.  I recently deleted him from my instant messengers and told him we couldn't talk anymore.  I haven't gone more than a day without talking to him in years.  But, it was time to sever that.  He had started texting me more lately and it was just time to end that nonsense.  So, about a week ago, I deleted him and asked him to stop texting me.  He said "ok."  So, that was that.  But, I still had to embark on the face to face, real world mission of sharing a very cold space with someone, with which I you used to share so much more. 

I had no plan.  I had talked about going to the party with my best friend, Lynn.  But, she had some twists of fate in her romantic life and she was thinking she wanted to spend the whole day with her new romance.  Far be it for me to stand in the way of love.  I am happy to see her happy and in a good place.  I encourage it, so I texted The Photographer.  

The Photographer is a guy that I connected with through Facebook.  I sent him a message about his photos and asked about what kind of work he does.  We had kept it pseudo-professional for a bit, then after a day of texting, things just slowly drifted into flirtation.  I think I sealed the deal by having a few drinks one night and taking requests from him via webcam.  That's all I am going to say about that.  Let's just say I won't ever be running for office.

I texted fully ready and willing to explain exactly what I needed from him.  I needed him to go to the party with me and just be natural.  I told him my ex would be there and promised him it would be drama free.  But, we both thought it would be a fun time and so he agreed to go.  I was a little surprised.  I mean I was sort of ready to beg him, but there was no need.  He just agreed.  He also said it would be a good opportunity for him to feel on my booty and kiss on my neck.  We kept that toned down... for the most part.

So, we met up before the party and we went to a small bar down the street from the bar where the party would take place.  He was kind of awesome.  We joked and he picked on me.  We flirted and the chemistry was fun and playful.  I was a bit nervous for the first 10 minutes or so, so he tickled me and it actually worked.  I felt like a kid, but we had a blast.  Even though we got into a face licking contest.

We went to the party and I still had no plan.  I knew I didn't want to chill with or be friendly with my ex and his new gal, but I didn't want any drama or awkwardness either.  So, my date and I grabbed a table near by and we laughed it up.  He was hilarious.  I was really having fun with him.  I was happy that I had a cute date with me, but I was quickly distracted from thinking about my ex at all and all of my attention went to the new cute boy that was making my jaws and sides ache. (From laughter.)

It was great.  Lynn and her guy came up and we all had a great time.  Just as it had happened in my mind and heart, at some point, my ex boyfriend had slipped away, but I didn't see him go.  There was just a point when he was gone.  I had kept my eyes off of him and his girlfriend, because I knew that seeing him with her might stir some old emotions.  I am not into self-inflicted pain, so I just let them be.  And, in my small black dress and 5 inch heels, I enjoyed life, instead of embracing pain.  It took me a long time to get here.  But, I made it.  There were painful times along the road, but I battled through.

Some time after my ex left, my friend and her fiance sprung a surprise on all of us.  They called us over, and with all of our friends looking on, in a small ice house in the Heights, my friend married the man she loves.  It was hilarious, ridiculous and beautiful.  In the middle of the ceremony, I leaned over to The Photographer and I asked him how he felt about me bringing him to a wedding on our first date.  He replied, "Ambushed."  We both smiled.

We left soon after the ceremony and found a quiet dark place to park and talk.  I know what you're thinking. "Talk?"  Especially since I have covered all things mentioned in the title except the hickeys.  But, that is just what we did.  We talked for about 3 hours.  We talked about art and racism.  We talked about sex and relationships.  We talked about our families and our friends.  Then, we (sort of) made out for 30 minutes or so.  I say sort of, because it started with him tickling me again and then admitting that he enjoyed tickling me because it made my body writhe.  Even though I was laughing and grasping at his hands, my body was moving in a way that said I liked it and it slithered in a way similar to arousal.  He was right.  I was turned on.

I also say, "sort of," because he never once kissed me on the lips.  He kissed my neck and moved down to my breasts.  He would let his lips hover over mine for extended periods, but he never attempted to lay them against mine and allow for that closer intimacy. I am not sure why he decided to, or if he decided to, give me a hickey.  But, when I returned home, my mother informed me that he had left his mark on my neck.  Opps.  Anyway, back to the passion-filled car in the park.  I had been very honest with him when talking about sex and warmth and my feelings, so I decided not to stop there.

I pulled our bodies apart and returned to the driver's seat.  Then I told him, with apprehension (and some small amount of bravery) that I didn't want to be a throw away anymore.  It was simple and to the point.  I love sex, but that doesn't mean that I want to be the woman that doesn't get kissed on the lips or called after one night of passion.  Somewhere along the way, that reality had been quieted and lost.  I want affection and I want a connection.  I might not be ready for a relationship, but that doesn't mean I want to be a step above masturbation.  I want to be sexually gratified, but I also want to be wanted and I want to be handled delicately.

I didn't explain all of this.  I didn't feel that I needed to.  Instead, I simply said I didn't want to be a throw-away anymore.  He told me I should never be apprehensive to share my thoughts or feelings.  He was right.  I had kept quiet in the past, because I didn't want to scare men off.  But, as sat there with his arm around me, on our first and (probably) last date, I remembered that I started this blog for me.  I started this adventure to do what I want.  And yet, I have still been allowing for things I don't want. If something is "sort-of" what I am looking for, or "sort-of" what I want, then it's not it.  I will be sleeping with less men, inevitably.  But, the experiences I have will be more fulfilling.

After experiencing the things I did with Marlon, Lewis, James, and even Todd, I realize that sex can be passionate and meaningful, without being a commitment to a lifetime together.  Time spent can be wonderful without a title.  Should the urge strike me to knock one out of the park in the restaurant restroom with a first date, or perhaps even a handsome waiter, I will. But, allowing someone I care about to pump passionately away at my entire body, kissing all of me but my lips, will not happen anymore.  I am not trying to say that was The Photographer's motivation.  I have no idea what was going through his mind.  But, I know what was going through mine.  I was wondering why he was kissing my breasts and why I had a hickey on my neck, but we had never actually kissed.

1 comment:

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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