Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Beautiful One Takes His Bow

*Exits stage left.

So, another story comes to an end.  The Beautiful One will no longer be gracing the posts on this blog or my vagina with his presence.  It isn't a bad ending.  It's one full of truth and honesty and devoid of feelings.  Here goes ... One last tale of The Beautiful One.

He and I had batted around the idea of seeing each other when I got back to Houston.  I wanted to see him, but I have to admit, the lust that I have for him is not all that strong.  I mean his body is beautiful and he is a nice, smart guy.  Get me in a room with him in his underwear and I am instantly ready.  But, I don't think about him much when I am not naked, lying next to him.  I would say hello when I saw him online.  Every once in a while, he would ask for advice or vent about his love life.  It was nothing special.

I did have feelings for him and by that I mean I felt things for him.  When I was around him, I liked him.  He was warm and kind.  I thought he was a good guy and I would have definitely considered him a friend if we had known each other more.  I would have liked to have explored more intimacy with him.  He seemed to be a passionate guy, somewhere inside.  But, I didn't see it when we were together.  I got this strange feeling from him.

Sometimes when I hit him up to say hello, he would ask me about my most recent sexual experiences.  I didn't mind sharing, but at some point, it started to make me feel strange.  The last time we talked, it happened again.  I hit him up to tell him to pick a good date for us to see each other and to tell him when I would be in town.

He asked why I wanted to see him.  I told him I wanted to have sex with him and he asked why I chose him.  He had asked this a few times recently.  Either he had a genuine confusion about why I wanted him as a lover or he was fishing for me to tell him how much and why I wanted him.  I think it was the latter.  I think he wanted to hear me say why I wanted to be with him.  If you don't remember, The Beautiful One was one of my first blog entries.  He liked the idea of me writing about our encounters.  He liked reading the posts.  It is clear now that the blog was a big part of why I ever heard from him anymore.

So, while I was hoping we would talk about the possibilities of things we could do when I saw him again, he asked about my other experiences.  This time I answered, but it felt strange.  After I told him when I last had sex, he told me about how he was sleeping with a woman that he had feelings for.  He told me that if she had wanted kids, she could have been the one for him.  He really liked her.  This wasn't the first time he had told me a story like this.  He frequently told me about the women he loved or had feelings for.

Let me preface the rest of this story by saying I was already overly emotional when the conversation started and I am not even sure where it went.  I know at one point I told him I thought he was crazy and then he corrected me: I was the crazy one.  The truth is, I didn't understand why he always felt it necessary to let me know that he didn't have feelings for me at all.  And why he chose to do it in such a passive way.  So, I asked if he cared about me.  He said he did not.

I, personally, do not understand how or why you would continue to have sex with someone that you didn't care about.  I don't think you have to love a person or have strong feelings for them, but care about them.  Caring about someone is a very basic thing to me.  I like to sleep around and I can have a one time encounter without caring about the person.  I don't have to know them that well.  But, if I am talking to someone weekly and have slept with them more than once, then I have to have a modicum of feeling and respect for them.  I want the people I sleep with to be friends and he was not.

So, my ego hastily signed out and deleted him from my cell phone and my instant messenger.  I was heated for all of 20 minutes.  The conversation was not well articulated.  I wasn't clear on what upset me, but the truth is, I am not upset now.  I don't want to sleep with him again and I don't see that I will ever miss him, but there are no hard feelings.  It's quite the opposite.  I almost wish I had kept his number or kept him on my IM, because I would like to thank him.  He was honest.  He was always honest and I respect that.  It's all I have asked for from the beginning.  Sure my ego was hurt, but I would be an asshole to hold his honesty against him or think he was an asshole for it.  I liked him and I still do.  This might have even made me like him more.  I just don't want to sleep with someone that doesn't have warmth in their heart for me.

1 comment:

  1. I love the respect and cherishment you have yourself.


About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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