Sunday, December 12, 2010

Run Away

After much back and forth, I saw Marlon again this weekend.  He came out on Friday afternoon and stayed until Saturday morning.  I didn't have any faith that he was going to come back after our first visit.  I had no reason to get my hopes up and I avoid disappointment like the plague, so I had all but written him off in my mind.  We would text back and forth and we even Skyped a few times since we met.  But, in my mind, he was a one time thing.  A one time thing that I liked a lot, but a one time thing, nonetheless.

I have discovered, in my old age, that liking someone is a very small part of what might come to be and is rather inconsequential.  I have to be smarter about who I get my hopes up over or who I even expect to see again.  Unlike in bed, I generally lay back and let them do all the work when it comes to a second date.  If New England and dating, in general, have taught me anything, it's that you can burn a lot of energy and time following up with men.  I have grown rather lethargic in that area.  But, all that having been said, I liked Marlon.  

The first/last time I saw Marlon, I was all kinds of conflicted.  I hadn't expected to like him.  We had video chatted and I thought he was cute and funny, but I didn't really expect to have a connection.  I was curious about what kind of lover he would be.  He was sarcastic and witty and I wondered how that would translate over in the bedroom.  So, he visited and he was funny.  He was kind of exactly what I had expected.  He was cuter in person, but he was pretty much the person I had expected to spend my evening with.  But after we had sex, I was so confused.  Everything changed.  He was, he is the best partner I have ever had.  Train Guy comes in second and I would have to think about it from there on... But Marlon is definitely numero uno in bed.

Of course, this means that for the first couple of days after our initial meeting, I was smitten.  I smiled when I thought about him.  I got flush when I thought deeper.  He would come into my mind at random points throughout the day.  This is normal for me after good sex.  I get smitten.  It generally fades and is gone within a week.  With Lewis, we continued to have good sex every week, so the glitter didn't fade for a while.  But, it's gone now.  We are just friends.

Back to Marlon.  So, I gave it a week.  But it didn't fade.  He still periodically entered my mind.  He was texting me every morning, which I didn't particularly like.  I like for contact to be organic.  That has been one of the themes I have talked about regularly here.  I like romance, sex and all things related to be organic.  I don't want anything forced.  His morning texts felt forced and they felt like they were probably part of a bulk text that went out to more women than just me.  As I have said, I don't mind that he dates other people, but I don't want to be part of a responsibility.  If he didn't think about me specifically, I would prefer he didn't text or call.  I am not that woman that needs to hear from a man every day, anyway.  All that aside, the feelings didn't fade.  Three weeks passed and even though we hadn't seen each other again and I was sure we wouldn't, I was still smitten.

Then, he came back.  I wasn't ready.  But, somewhere during that 20 hours of amazing, the spell was broken and the sun went down and I returned to reality.  From here on out, I am going to stay focused on remembering that liking someone is not the only factor at play.  I need to be smarter than I have been.  I let myself fall too deep into like for someone that will never return the feelings.

I was in a relationship for 6 years with someone that I liked more than they liked me and I won't ever even come close to that feeling again.  Not even in a situation as casual as this is with Marlon.  At some point in a conversation about a guy staying with me for two days, Marlon made the statement, "I don't get that.  I couldn't stay with someone for two days.  I would have to really like them."  Just as I typed it I got a little ping in my stomach.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  He might like me okay.  But, I am not a two days kinda like.  I am more of an overnight, once a month kinda like.  That is perfectly fine, but I needed to put some things into check for myself.  I am not 19 anymore and falling for the sake of falling is no fun anymore.  I am not into self deprecation and so whatever I am to Marlon, an interesting read or a good time, he's not someone I should think about and smile multiple times a day.  And he's not someone I should be thinking about when I am lying in bed with another man.  I needed to pull it together and so that is what I did.

More details of the date and more amazing sex to follow ... stay tuned ...

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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