Sunday, December 26, 2010

This Is Not An Experiment

So, there has been a cycle of lulls in posting.  I have discovered that there is not only a seasonal variation in my dating, but a monthly cycle that applies as well. I expected my trip back to Houston to yield many subjects.  However, I am in a place in life where I am just bored with dating.  I get here occasionally.  I just don't think I realized how much it is like clockwork until I started chronicling my ... well, my everything.

I recently started talking to a new guy.  Last night, we were discussing a fantasy future of "us."  We started talking about the blog and he matter-of-factly gave me a reason why I started the blog.  It was something about learning male tendencies and comfort.  I forget exactly.  But, I do remember that it was off the mark. When he said it, I just remember thinking, "Wait. What?"

He wasn't the first person to attempt to find my reason for starting the blog.  The truth is, the only reason I started writing, was because funny and interesting things were already happening.  I never thought "oh, this will be an experiment." or "I'm going to emulate or imitate the actions of men."  I simply decided to chronicle my actions.  This is me.  These are the things I was doing before the blog ever existed.  I haven't decided to change myself. The only decision that was made was one that I had made before starting the blog; the decision to stop looking for a relationship.  The only decision I made was the one to enjoy free-dating without the confines of love and relationships guiding my every move.

The product (so far) is one that I didn't expect.  But, I didn't really expect anything, at all.  The fact is, it's possible to abandon monogamy.  It's possible to abandon the confines of structured relationships.  However, it is not possible (for me) to abandon love. This was a silly goal to have.  Being guided by love is fine.  Since starting this blog, I have realized what it means to love yourself in a way I hadn't really known before.  I suppose it is a place I would have come to whether I had started the blog or not, but I will never know that for sure.

When I started the blog, another well-known sex/lifestyle blogger said my experience would be cathartic.  It was.  But, it was not merely a way to purge.  This hasn't just been a release of feelings and weight.  I haven't just shed old feelings.  I have found new feelings.  I have discovered new things about myself.  I have realized that certain things are more important to me at certain times.  I am not the same exact person every day.  My wants and desires shift and wane day-by-day.

The things I wanted when I started this blog are not the same things I want today.  I am happy about this.  When I started this blog, I brought a hard exterior into sexual experiences.  I thought I could separate sex from warmth and from love.  This is true to a certain degree.  I don't have to be in love to enjoy sex.  I have actually had some pretty amazing sex.  But, in order to have a pleasurable life, I need both great sex and I need love.  I need warmth and I need compassion.  I need a shoulder to cry on.  I need someone that cares about me.

As I navigate my way through my dating life, I still look to monogamy as a way to feel validated.  My mind keeps saying that I am not looking for another person.  My mind knows that this is the time when I get to know the person I have, the person I am. The only problem is in knowing the difference between time needed to grow and just being shut off because I have been hurt in the past.  I know I need to grow, but I also know that I am scared to get close to anyone again.  So, the question that keeps lurking is, "How do I know when I'm ready to let someone in?"

2 comments:

  1. In my belief and experience, you will just know. When things come together without being forced and you have enough love and growth within yourself then you will just be ready and you will move forward without hesitation. You meet someone who you throw caution to the wind with and you will have certainty within you that he will catch you. I say listen to your intuition.

    Also as cliche as this may sound, but if you risk nothing you gain nothing. You will have to kiss a few frogs to meet our prince. You have to risk being hurt to meet that one for you. Because rest assured he is doing the same. And just like you have weathered the previous hurt you can weather any other hurt.

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  2. i think you finally just figure it out. when i met my husband he asked me out many times. i told him no, constantly. i couldn't tell him so at the time but i knew from the first time i met him that he would be long term, and i wasn't ready! i kept blowing him off but he sorta never went away. then one day i decided i was ready. and never looked back.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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