Sunday, December 12, 2010

Run Away - Pt 2

I am sort of a hopeless romantic.  I think it's why I am a serial dater.  I won't settle.  I want to be excited and I want to be adored.  There is always a man that will do it, it just turns out the man exciting me is rarely ever the man adoring me.  I don't know what that says about me.  Maybe romantic situations are always lopsided.  In any case, here is another lopsided tale from your favorite serial dater ...

So, Marlon returned.  It was a lot more relaxed this time.  He came up and we hung out in my room for a bit.  His wit and charm are a double edged sword.  The same thing in it that turns me on, also serves to repel me.  His sarcasm and his charm are endearing and they are evidence of all the practice that has gone into being charming.  Everything he says makes me smile and none of it is to be taken to heart.  It gets tiring being aware of this all the time.  Most of the time, it's easy.  I just let the wall down temporarily and I flirt and have a good time for the evening and then after a day to get over the great sex, I am as good as new and ready to move on.  But, this is a different situation and it requires a different level of concentration.

But, I was able to thoroughly enjoy his company.  We had a few drinks, watched a marathon of United States of Tera, took a walk to the liquor store and ordered dinner.  After dinner, we put on a movie and some time after Indiana Jones saved the day, yet again, Marlon's body and my body found each other.

From the moment he enters me, I feel like I am on drugs.  It's not good for my mental state.  Like I've said, I don't know if it is a combination of how attracted I am to him, the fact that I have a crush on him, the fact that is not lacking in the size area or the way he moves, but my vagina has never felt that way.  There are no major tricks.  It's like he doesn't even have to work that hard.  Neither of us do.  A little part of me feels silly saying it, because I am sure it's him.  I am sure that he has this effect on many women and that he doesn't feel the same way about the sex that I do.  But, I don't care.  The man is good at what he does.  Okay, that's not true.  I do care.  I wish that he felt the way I do.  I am just going to be honest. But, I can live with the fact that he (most likely) does not.  These situations are always lopsided and it doesn't work if he feels the same.

He says the sex is great for him too.  We talked about it and he said it was amazing.  I don't buy it.  (Trust issues, remember?)  But, I also know enough about people to know that they want to hear that the sex they just had was good for the other person and I know enough to know that not everyone can be as brutally honest as I can.  If I told everyone that the sex with them was amazing, it wouldn't really matter to the people that actually were amazing.  And in the end, it's just sex.  Either get better at it, or be okay with the fact that you are mediocre.  So, in his moment of telling me that the sex was good, he said that it was not sex he could have every day.  He said sex with me was like his favorite candy bar and that you have to only have it once a month or so or you grow tired of it.  As I am moving back to Houston in 4 months, I informed him that his favorite candy bar was going out of manufacture in a few months.  To which, he posed the question do you then take the next few months to stock up?  The trouble is you can't stock up on a person that is moving to a different part of the country.

But, that wasn't the point.  What I got from the whole candy bar analogy was another reality check.  Even when I get back from my vacation in a month, I shouldn't expect to see Marlon very often.  The candy bar analogy was just a sugar-coated way of saying that.  (I make no apologies for the pun... it was a good one.)  He also compared me to Crystal Pepsi, saying that you still think about it even though it's been discontinued.  The trouble is, I want to be more than a memory.  I don't want to be a shitty product that couldn't compete with Sprite.  Then, he made the comment that it was our last time together.  So, I guess I will have some good memories and I don't have to worry about when I might see him again.  This was relieving in a way.  The words were right there.  He took out the guess work.

In my last relationship and in other shorter experiences, I have been in situations where a person said one thing and meant another.  I was lied to by someone else. But, Marlon is being honest and the only person that can lie to me now is me.  So, this is a moment I want to share with all of those out there that can relate.  When a message is coming across loud and clear, listen to it and move on.  I didn't want to marry Marlon, I didn't want him to be my boyfriend, but I definitely don't want to like someone more than they like me again.  I am too tired.  So, I am going to be smart on this one.

A part of me wishes that I could get to know Marlon.  That part wishes that we could be friends or that I could see what things I have misjudged, but I am the candy bar and the discontinued Crystal Pepsi, so I don't get to know people much at this time in my life.  I definitely don't get to get close to anyone.  At a time in life when I could really stand to know someone and have someone that knows me, I am in a transitory place and I have to rely on self along with passing encounters to keep me warm at night.  I know this and I accept it.  But, it still kinda sucks.  On the bright side, if I just happened upon someone that could make me feel the way Marlon did, after not feeling that way for years, there is still hope ... Right?

1 comment:

  1. I was in a similar situation. The lady said she wanted sex sans attachment; she was lying to herself. After our last encounter she left w/o a word and I haven't spoken to her since. Marlon went from not all the time to stocking up. Sounds like game to me. Good post.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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