Sunday, December 26, 2010

Houston, Again.

This trip to Houston has been interesting.  Mostly, because while my body has been in Houston, my mind has been in New England.  I can't win.  When I'm there, I want to be here and when I'm here, I want to be there.  So, I have to meet myself in the middle.  When I fly back, I am not flying into my town.  I am flying into Boston to be with a man.  I don't know what I am doing.

We have been texting and talking all day for days.  The conversations are interesting.  They are very future-geared and not the kind of talk in which I normally engage. But, I am enjoying it.  I am not in love with him and he is not in love with me.  We are just playing house at this point.  Joking and talking about the way things could be if we discovered that we were compatible.  We are delving into possibilities that I have not explored with anyone in a very long time.

The trouble is, I am following a situation where I had immense feelings for someone that I would not open up to, Marlon.  He was unattainable for monogamy, and I was too scared to explore having feelings for someone while knowing they are sleeping with someone else.  I can have feelings for a person and date other people, and I can be perfectly fine with that.  I can date and have sex with people that have different partners.  I don't get jealous.  I don't frequently find myself thinking about their other partners or what it is like when they are together.  I don't care. Normally.

But, I don't think I can do that and be in love with someone, yet.  This is not to say that I don't think it can work, or that it won't work for anyone.  But, I have to think of things in the context of my little brain.  The last time I loved someone that was sleeping with other people, it was laced with lies and pain.  It wasn't a healthy situation that I had entered into willingly.  So, attempts to enter into the healthy willing version of this scenario now are tainted by jealousy, bad memories, pain and hurt feelings.  It was becoming hard to differentiate and I could see myself falling into a situation that I couldn't handle, at this point.  So, I backed off and I told Marlon that I wanted to stop talking to him.  I am not ready to feel that much for a person and I didn't like the person I became when I thought about him.  I saved myself and Marlon from some messiness.  It was hard and I didn't like it, but it's done and once I do something, I stick with it.

Then, out of nowhere, enter John.  What the hell??? I can't even go into this right now.  Let's just say I left to one complicated, feeling and emotion-wrought situation and immediately, there was another.  I bailed out of the first just in time to fall into another.  For someone who doesn't have structured relationships and monogamy, I sure am having a lot of emotion.  I don't think this is what I signed up for.

1 comment:

  1. It's important to deal with things so that you can go ahead and leave them in the rearview mirror as you continue on your way. Sounds like you haven't dealt with some things so they keep recurring. This is not a coincidence.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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