Saturday, December 4, 2010

I Am Not Ready To Love

As promised, I am going to explain why I am not ready to love and per request, I am also going to explain why I have nothing to offer a relationship.

First and foremost, I will start by telling you something very personal.  I lost a sister almost exactly a year ago.  It was sudden and it was traumatic.  Grieving the death of a sibling is gut wrenching and it pretty much takes you over.  In my lowest moments, while crying on the floor, in a ball, alone, I wish I had someone to hold me.  I wish I had someone to hold my hand and just be there.  But, being far away from home, I have done most of my grieving alone.  I don't suggest this.  This is the one thing I have done alone because there was no other choice.  This was not the choice I made.

That having been said, I am not ready to be in a relationship, because I am sad.  Some days I am a joy to be around and some days I am just sad.  While I could use someone to hold my hand on those days when I am sad, I do not know what I can give back yet.  I am still closed off and emotionally scarred from my last relationship and the grief piled on top does not help.

I am not the person I want to bring into a relationship.  A year ago, maybe even six months ago, I would have jumped into another relationship head first.  It would have been the easy thing to do at the time and it would have bitten me in the ass in the long run.  It always has.  So, I decided to take a break.  Then I decided to continue with my relationship break, but add men back into the picture.  So, I started dating.  I can date.  I can barely date.  I find myself wanting more of an emotional attachment from men that I start off just having sex with.  (Not all of them, mind you.)  But, some of the men I date, I look for a friendship from.

Some offer friendship readily. We'll call this type "Guy A."  Some are just like that.  Others want nothing to do with friendship.  This is "Guy B."  They are just there for the sex, and you know that from day one.  Then, there are those that want to keep having sex with you, want to talk to you about their relationship woes or their lives, but the moment you are in need, they are short with you and they flee, as soon as possible.  This gem is "Guy C."  There are also variations of all three and midpoints between each.  I am just now figuring this out, but I am always on guard and wondering when Guy A is going to turn into Guy C.

So, I keep my guard up. As I have said, I have trust issues.  In a conversation with Marlon last night, he mentioned that I noted that I have trust issues.  He made a sarcastic joke about not noticing.  But, it is true.  I have put him through the ringer.  I think he is a nice guy.  But, even typing the words, I feel like a sucker.  If he feels like he is having to prove himself to me just as a lover and friend, can you imagine what I will put a prospective partner through?

I am a nice person and I don't want to do that to a man.  So, I won't let myself fall for one.  I will just keep my guard up until I have had some time to heal.  Or, until a man comes along and we can walk through trust together.  This guy doesn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend, just a kind hearted and patient soul.  But, until one of those things happens, I will be single and I am perfectly happy with that ... most of the time.  

The reason I am not ready to love is pretty much the same.  I can't let my guard down and I can't get close to anyone in that way again for a while.  My last relationship was 6 years and that is a long time to be with one person.  If I were younger, I would allow myself to fall for Marlon.  He doesn't want a relationship either, but that wouldn't have mattered.  I would have had fun being smitten with him regardless of how he felt.  I don't really do that anymore ... or at least I'm not doing it right now.  I'm just playing everything safe.  While it's not as much fun to play it safe, my emotions aren't up for any roller coasters right now.  So, I will sit here, with my feet firmly planted, waiting for this Guy A to jump to Guy C, at which point, I will turn and walk away with my head held high.  There will be no need to pick myself up, because I won't allow myself to fall.

1 comment:

  1. I'm proud of you and so glad that you are putting yourself first. It takes some real courage and determination to do so.

    ReplyDelete

About Me

My photo
I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
There was an error in this gadget