Sunday, July 17, 2011

Don't Pose

I could feel the grain of the wood under my nails. I was trying my hardest not to dig in and create gouges, driving splinters into my nail beds. I'm nothing if not respectful. If I leave a mark, it will be left on his body, maybe his sheets, but never his furniture. The restraint was not so overwhelming as to drown out the sensation of my hips spreading with every backward push. I could feel the stretch through my lower back and down the insides of my thighs. The pain was subtle and good.

I was poised, back arched, looking back to see what he could and could not see. I looked back, stretched my arms long and arched my back more, so I could see over my own ass. My left leg and arms were perfectly straight, right leg was bent up, with my foot propped on the same wood rail that my nails fought not to devour.  He brought his mouth close to my body and I twisted my spine more to raise my right breast to his lips. I twisted my right arm around the back of my body and shifted my ass up to give him a straighter shot in. Then, I looked into his eyes and, with a smile, he said said the words, "Don't pose." I could feel the shocks being absorbed by my spine and then ... nothing. The hands that had gripped my waist and hips were gone. I turned to see him standing two feet back, fighting what would inevitably come, putting off the final burst of pleasure, in order to stay in the moment. But, the moment was gone.

I had been working to see, working to feel. I wanted to feel him pushing deep inside. I wanted to feel his mouth on me and I wanted to see his arms as he gripped tighter. I hadn't been trying to pose. But, in a flash, my want for him had pushed his want for me to a place that neither of us could take. He pulled away from me and I shot up straight. I wasn't expecting his absence. So, there we stood, breath heavy and bodies tight, almost ready to strike.

"Lay down." His words were not a request. So, I slid over the wood rail and met the bed with my back, continuing to slide up the bed as he climbed on top of me. He didn't enter me immediately. He brought his mouth to me and slid his fingers inside me. He started by kissing me, but then his motions grew more nondescript. I could no longer distinguish his actions, only my sensation. His mouth was firm against me and his fingers were deep inside me. The sensations were all running together and, in order to not pull back, I had to release my thoughts and just feel.

Pain. It wasn't constant. It drifted in and out. Most of the pain was inside me. And it wasn't a pain that brought about thoughts of an inexperienced fumbling partner, knuckle deep, trying to feel his way around me. It was direct and deliberate. Every sensation was calculated. I drifted even further out of mind, sinking into my body. My hands made their way to the back of his head and pushed his face into me, as my pelvis pushed against him.

There was an impulse to push away from the pain, but my body was not connecting with my brain. So, as my body pushed harder into him, he pushed harder into me and the pain started to melt into pleasure, the lines becoming blurred and melting along with my thoughts and inhibitions. Slowly, the pain invited pleasure and I sunk into the pain, into the pleasure, into my orgasm.

My brain switched back on and words washed over my mind, devoid of structure. The word "complete" lingered just as the orgasm had. His mouth flooded my body with pleasure just as my body flooded his mouth. There were small bursts, each pushing me to higher levels of pleasure. I did not pull away. I waited for that moment when the orgasm would become too intense, and while I waited, time elapsed and the word "pure" drifted to mind. The sensation was just that, it was both complete and pure. My body relaxed and the feeling that began as pain became the purest pleasure I had ever felt.

I was radiating from head to toe as I pulled at his shoulders. He received the message and slid up my body. He pushed himself deep inside me and the orgasm shifted, but didn't stop. I was full of him and could feel my muscles contracting hard against him. I pulled at his lower back as if begging him to push harder. At this point, my body was begging his to come with me. I tightened against him as he fulfilled another wish. I felt him harden inside me as he came. Over the next few minutes, we finished together. I can't quite recall those last few moments. It's almost as if it were a private moment between our bodies, to which memory is not privy. His lips met mine to soften the blow of my body losing his and he pulled out of me.

When I told him it was the best and longest orgasm I had ever had, he laughed a "really?" and kissed my forehead in a way that suggested I had made this claim to others before. If I had, it was true at that time. But those earlier claims were no longer true. As his lips touched my cheek, I realized this couldn't be the last time I felt him and I smiled, as one more word entered my mind ... "More."

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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