Dating many men over the past year, I have frequently been faced with a plethora of good and bad qualities. Dating can be about having a good time. It can be about the funny circumstances, both positive and negative. But, it cannot be denied that a good part of dating is about judgment. Whether you are looking for one night of passion or a lifetime with a person, you are sizing them up and judging them.
We often think of judging someone as a very negative thing. But, when dating a person, you look at the details of their being. You look at all of the good and bad qualities and you make a decision on whether you want to spend a night with them, or build a future with them. You are opening yourself up to a person, whether it's just your body or your life, and it's important to make an educated assessment, or pass a judgment.
Having had a large dating pool over the past year, I have been on both ends of this judgment. It's not an easy place to be on either side. Especially, if you are concerned with the feelings of others. So, I have found myself in a constant battle of evaluation, not just of those that I am dating, but, of myself.
Dating, for me, has become equal parts rejecting and being rejected. You would think it would be easy enough. I am honest from the beginning and I openly say that I do not want a relationship. That should be that. But, somewhere along the way, I started realizing that it wasn't as easy as it sounds. I have never been completely shut off to the idea of a relationship. And, I have realized that a lot of men will say they are just looking for something casual or friendship, and then they change their mind. Or, they weren't being truthful in the beginning.
I, myself have developed feelings that I did not foresee. In most cases, I found it best to shift from romance to friendship, as I was in transition and not ready or able to settle into anything long-term. But, there were those cases when I was forced to reject someone, because I did not feel they would ever settle for friendship, or because I did not feel they were a healthy part of my life in any capacity. This is never easy to do.
I used to just stop responding altogether. I rationalized this as the most humane way. Make it quick and painless. Then, I realized, this method was only painless for me. So, I have started giving the person a reason. I never give a person a list of reasons why I feel we aren't a good pairing, just that I don't think we are. I usually just tell them what I am looking for at the moment: a friend, a partner, a good time. And then I tell them that I don't feel we are suited for what I am seeking. No one needs to hear a list of their faults. Occasionally, if the person was disrespectful or lied to me, I will tell them the specific reason. I feel that is my duty to whoever else comes along. Maybe if enough women tell him they don't cut for liars, he will change his ways. If not, I did my part. And I wash my hands of the whole thing.
But, in the end, this is how it all boils down. There is, in fact, someone for everyone. That someone for you is you. You may never find a match. It's a big world and that one person that can stand you might be in Switzerland. So, you have to be okay with whatever may come. I have rejected and been rejected ample times. Never once when I rejected a person did I think, "They are no good for anyone." I only thought, "They aren't good for me." So, when I've met someone I actually liked and then I don't hear from him again, I could start to think, "Damn, no one wants me" ... Oh yes, I have my moments ... But, instead I remember that this was just one person. We are all just individuals. Relationships can't be forced and they can't be waited on to validate one's entire life. Each experience has it's own value. So, when I start to get down over a loss on what seemed to be a good thing, I have to remember that there is a whole big life out there and this is just my dating life.
- Poly Amory
- I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
- ▼ July (8)