Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Cheating On Me

We've all had boring sex. This isn't something that only some people go through. If you are over the age of 19, sexually active and have been sexually active for longer than a year, you have had sex that bored you. We are all familiar with this subject, especially those of us that have been in monogamous relationships.

This isn't always a sign of a bad partner. Sometimes it just means one or the other of you wasn't totally into it. In relationships, this happens from time to time. People have real lives. Sometimes you are sidetracked by something that happened at work. A certain time in my cycle leaves me less than aroused. So, there are those times when one person wants it and the other person takes one for the team. And, then there are just boring lovers. It happens. 

What does not happen, what should not happen is boring masturbation. But, it did. It happened. I would like to put the blame on someone else, but ... I was the only person there. Here's the issue. I have been having great sex. I've been sleeping with a man that is just about 8 years older than me and he falls right into, what I have deemed, that perfect sex age. People talk about how young guys get harder (I find this to be a unicorn tale) and can get hard immediately after coming (I find this to be unappealing.) Once you have been with a man over 30 (especially those over 35), you realize that most men in their early 20s just haven't had the years. So, the idea of a man getting hard 10 times a night and never once bringing me to climax seems akin to sitting at the DMV while someone loofahs my vagina. Yeah, it's the best I could do. Anyway, it seems very unappealing. I don't need you to keep getting hard over and over again if you are just using me as a pin cushion. I'd just as soon you come in 5 minutes and call it a night. 

Experience has the potential to make a man a better lover. However, there will always be older men that couldn't be concerned less with pleasing a woman. And there will always be younger men that are ahead of their time. But, this isn't a post to debate if older men or younger men are better in bed. This is a post about how the man I am currently sleeping with is such an amazing lover he's got my full attention. He has made other lovers far less appealing. Unfortunately, one of those lovers that has lost their luster is me. Somehow, this man has (momentarily) fulfilled me to the point where I'm bored with masturbation. 

The trouble is, I have built this relationship with myself. I give it up to me nightly. And if I don't, I feel like I'm losing touch with me, so to speak. I have sworn allegiance to masturbation. I have written, on many occasions, that I need to masturbate regardless of whether I am having routine sex with a (or many) partner(s). Sex and masturbation are two different things and have always had two very different roles in my life. 

So, you can imagine my confusion when I slide my hand into my panties and close my eyes tight to imagine whatever my "heart" desires, and all that comes to mind are replays of past evenings. This can be great. It's like being able to close your eyes and have a full interactive show. A show that is always in the cue and ready to play. Unfortunately, I slide my fingers (or my toy) into myself, only to suffer disappointment. It's not a lover. It's not him. It's just me again. This must be how it feels to have an affair. To be hyper turned on by something new, only to return to the same person day-in and day-out. 

You might think I am thrilled with this new lover. Someone that can fulfill me to the point where masturbation loses it's necessity sounds wonderful, right? Wrong. Because, when this guy is gone, I am going to be the one left picking up the pieces in my failed relationship with me. I am the one that is going to have to explain to myself that it was a momentary distraction and I really do enjoy making love to me far more than some man. I just needed a change, some variety. I only hope, when that day comes, I can forgive me.

In the meantime, I go through the motions, getting just wet enough and pushing just far enough to ease into a willing orgasm, tuck my toy away and fall asleep. Masturbation used to be one of the hottest parts of my sexual life. It used to be something I looked forward to. I would sit in lectures and dream about going back home for a long midday session. Lately, it's just not what it used to be. Like all other things, I am sure this is a phase and, soon, I will be back to my daydreams about self-love. For now, I am going to drift back into daydreams about last night. More to come on that ...

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.