My Newest Favorite

I said I would explain later.  It's later.  My Newest Favorite doesn't have a name just yet.  Because, we haven't actually met yet.  This is the point when my mother would roll her eyes at me and say ... "Let me guess, You're in love?"  She's a sarcastic one.  No.  I am not in love with him.

You know of him already.  He's the one that, just last week, told me that I wasn't the same woman he had first talked to. He I have also referred to him as the Pretty Boy, but I don't find that to be a fitting name anymore.  Of course, it was snarky and kind of disrespectful.  I won't be referring to him by that name.  For now, he's My New Favorite.

I am not sure what it is that has made me grow so interested in him.  We video chat occasionally and he is cute and interesting.  He seems smart, conversations never lag or grow tiring.  Of course, it might be completely different in person and assuredly, we will grow more tired of each other once we actually meet.  But, for now, he's hold my interest and I am finding him considerably more captivating.  I hope to meet him soon, but the schedules are proving to be very busy and he lives about an hour and a half from me.  So, it's not been easy to coordinate.  I am going to put him here in his own post, because he doesn't really fit very well in any of the current categories.  I will mention him in Newbies.  But this is him.

He's cute, funny, smart and we are on the same page.  He knows about the blog and we can talk openly about it's content.  He is respectful and appears to have a lot of confidence. So, we will see where it goes.  If nothing else, he's been interesting and I look forward to being friends, even if it's just temporary.    

The Past/The Fallen Ones

Train Guy
Circle Cake -
The Co-Worker -
The Player -
The Spark -
The Soldier

Busted!

They got me.  Ooops. This is the response I got upon completing my registration for Evow.com.  Guess they are on to me. 

It says "Sorry ... We asked you in 3 different ways if you are looking for a long-term relationship.  Sometimes you said you were, other times you said you were not.  To ensure that eVow remains dedicated to users seeking long-term relationships ONLY, we cannot provide you with an account."

REJECTED.

The Feelings

This is the group of guys that I have feelings for and where they stand with me.

The Numero Uno.  I will let you take a wild guess ...

Lewis
You got it folks.  Lewis has taken the top position for about 4 months straight now.  He's the most solid man in my life, excluding my father and brothers.  I don't write much about him, but it's just because it's so simple and sweet.  There is nothing super interesting to write.  I get lil heart flutters when I think about him.  Moreso when I drink espresso and think about him, but nonetheless.  He's slowly grown into one of my closest friends.  We talk about our work and our lives.  We share things and we inspire/motivate each other.  When I'm down, he makes me feel better.  We have a lot in common and we are in similar places in life.  I battle with being confused about how I feel for Lewis.  Some times, I get mixed up and I get sucked back into the societal norms and mores... The ones that tell women that if a man cares about you, then he will want to be with you, love only you, make you an honest woman ... all that bullshit.  We don't expect that from our friends and my friendships are the most valuable relationships I have. That's why Lewis is a friend.  He has officially graduated.  I talk to him every day and days just aren't quite right if I don't have my daily dose of optimism and goodness.  He's honest, open, caring and I love him.  I am not sure how much longer we will have sex.  I suppose we will have sex until we just don't anymore.  But, even after the sex ends, we will have a valuable foundation that will last.


Todd
This dude is temporarily sitting here.  He's not really in the number two spot.  He's a strange number 1.  He's someone I could actually possibly see myself with.  I don't know him well enough to say for sure, but he's just funny, warm, evasive and cold enough for me to want to be with him.  I definitely wouldn't call him a friend, yet.  Maybe one day.  He never texts me without me texting him first.  He has given me some of the greatest dates of my life and the other night he came over and snuggled with me on my parent's porch.  I am baffled by him.  He's 'hot and cold' if I have ever seen it.  I am not totally myself around him.  I find myself apologizing a lot, because I feel inadequate around him.  There is a strange tension that I would like to be able to stop creating, but I don't know how to do that just yet.  It doesn't feel healthy.  It's not his fault.  Not by any means.  I have just decided to take a step back and let it be what it is.  It's an 'every once in a while' thing.  I have feelings for him and I don't mind admitting it.  But, for multiple reasons, he doesn't and can't take me seriously.  I write a blog about dating and sex and I openly see multiple people.  I do not mean to speak for him. That is not what I am doing.  This is just how I see things.  I might be way off base.  Either way, he has a lot of great qualities that put him in a special place with me.  It's not a place above or below any other man, just this spot teetering on the edge of heart and mind.  But I think I am going to tilt and let Todd fall away from the heart and toward the mind.  And we'll just see what happens.

The Beautiful One
This is a strange case, folks.  I am a bit sore about The Beautiful One.  We had a misunderstanding via text the other night and I am a lil on the feelings hurt side of things.  He wants to see me while I am in town, but I don't think that is going to happen.  He hit me up the other night while I was out with some friends and a little tipsy.  He said he wanted to see me, but when I was sober.  I liked that idea, as I am not at all a fan of drunken sex.  The whole post-bar, one-night-stand thing is about as appealing to me as having a toe in my butt (inside joke, but no, I have never had a toe in my butt and I never will.)  So, we talked about getting together another night, before I leave town.  Then, in all of my great decision making glory, I told him that I wanted to kiss him and that I had developed different feelings for him that put him above someone I was just sleeping with, but not in the place of someone I wanted a relationship with.  He's kind of in feeling purgatory.  He said I can't have them.  I thought he meant the kisses, he actually meant the feelings.  Either way, I have to take a step back from this one as well.  Not just the small mental step back I am taking with Todd.  I am actually probably not going to see The Beautiful One again.  It pains me to say it, but the time we spend sitting on his bed talking and joking around versus the time we spend actually having sex leaves me too open for feelings.  As I said, I don't want a relationship with him or anyone else, for that matter, but I don't think it's natural to stifle feelings and I think that is what he would like me to do.  So, the chapter of The Beautiful One (and his beautiful hip bone area) will come to a close.  Such is life.

Then, there's ...

Sean
I don't have a lot to say about Sean.  He's fucking hard to figure out.  He's never hot and cold.  He's consistently either my friend or he is missing in action.  He's been in my life for about 5 or 6 years.  We have sort of had sex once or at least started, before a faulty condom ruined the fun.  We used to spend tons of time together and we have recently been talking and texting again.  Sean was a contentious subject in past relationships.  No one felt that he was just a friend... they were probably right.  But now he just bounces back and forth between possibly coming to visit and someone that I might never see again for the rest of my life.  Who knows.  It is what it is.  I just have no gotdamned clue what that 'is' is.

The next group are The Newbies.  Stay tuned for the next post.

An Update, A Collection, A Close

I have been neglecting my blog.  Everyone gets busy.  We all have those things that we let slip through the cracks a bit.  I thought I would do a not so quick summary for you guys to let you know where things stand with me.  It will be a series of posts, outlining where I stand.  Here goes.

Me
I have kind of been all over the place.  I got back to New England and got lonely.  I don't have nearly as many friends there.  It's cold and I got a bit confused.  I am not sure if it is the pressure of my work load, or if it is just a natural progression or phase that people/I will go through.  But, I started thinking a lot about a relationship.  Of course, being all over the place means that I think about a relationship and I actively do nothing to change my position.  I am still dating/sleeping with more than one guy.  The only difference is, I get my feelings hurt when they don't have feelings for me or if they don't take me seriously.  It was time to take a step back and evaluate what it is I want.  But, after doing that for about 5 minutes, I remembered the more important question.  What do I need?

I need a minute to breath.  I need to stop getting emotionally involved and look at me.  I realized that in being single and dating multiple men, I have just become wrapped up in multiple relationships instead of just one.  The beauty is the honesty and diversity.  I have been honest with these men and I get to sleep with/enjoy the company of more than one guy, but my head is starting to spin.  I have a select few men that I really do have feelings for, then I have this river of guys that I have trouble keeping names straight with.  There is this hierarchy that has naturally come about.  I am hoping after I write this series of posts and think for a bit, I will start to figure out what I want and what I need.

Positions

I was talking to my newest favorite today (I'll explain later.)  Anyway, he asked me what my favorite position is.  I responded that it is different with different people, but I really like it from behind.  I wouldn't say that this is the best position ever.  I don't really orgasm this way very often, but I enjoy it.

So, this started a search, both mental and internet based, regarding sexual positions.  My first click led me to a pretty funny site.  It's described as making sex passionate and intimate.  What are people doing?  Why is sex just now becoming passionate or intimate.  I get that it isn't always this way, but why is it never this way for some people?  So, there is this website and it has this video.  I just tried to think of an adjective to describe the video, but it doesn't deserve one.  I stopped watching less than half way through.

When I was talking to The Favorite, we briefly chatted about head games.  Yes, the actual head games where a man or a woman tell a person things to make it easier to get what they want.  That's what led to the sexual positions question.  Just bear with me, people.  So, as I peruse the second site, I see a position called "The Head Game."  Here's the link.  I would love to try it, but I'm 5'10" and I don't think my neck bends that way.  But the angling seems genius and I do yoga.  I think I'm gonna give it a go.  I will have to call in one of my 6'4"ers for this one.  And pray his big ass doesn't break my neck.  If I still have use of my hands after, I will let you know how it goes.

The next one I saw that made me smile was The Pinwheel.  It took my mind back to a night with Lewis.  That was the night when I realized how very compatible he and I were sexually.  I mean, we are compatible in lots of ways, but The Pinwheel just really made me realize my feelings for him.  I will explain those later.

Moving on, The Bootyful View is always a winner.  The Dirty Dangle just sounds disgusting.  The Erotic End is my shit and The Bed Spread is lovely when you have a bed high enough.  The Love Seat is aight, but is only good for certain men, depending on what they like.  Some guys want you to sit on them and make small movements, while others need a wider range of movement.  Then there are those that like it all.

Well, I don't really have anything else to say.  I am going to continue my sex positions browse and write more for you guys.  I don't think this post really needs a conclusion.

The Kid

The tale of my worst one night stand is sort of worth telling. Sort of. Maybe not.  It was a combination of bad judgment and desperation.  I had just broken up with a boyfriend and I was in a bad place.  My bad place, about 5 Jamesons and some poor random kid at the bar led to one of the least interesting, most awkward, least fulfilling sexual experiences in my history. 

As I said, I was in a bad place.  I didn’t have all of my wits about me and I wasn’t yet one with my sexuality.  I was still using it to fill some void or to cover up bad memories and feelings.  Some poor guy at my favorite bar fell victim to all of these factors.  He didn’t realize he was a victim.  He seemed to really enjoy the 25 year old me.  Little did he know, the 30 year old me would start a blog, accounting sexual experiences and put him on blast.  He’s probably all of 24 now.  Yeah … I am afraid his ill fate had a lot to do with the fact that he was probably all of 19 at the time of the ... incident.  He told me he was 21, but this experience taught me to start checking for valid ID at the door.  State issued only.  I hope to one day be able to afford the little black light to make sure the IDs aren’t something made in a shotgun house in fifth ward.  Yep.  One day I’ll be legit.  Until then, I just have to do a cross comparison with the kid from that night.  If there are too many similarities, dude has to head on home. 

So, back to that fateful night…  I was on a streak. I was newly single and broken hearted. The Kid wouldn't be the first guy to see my bed that month and he wouldn't be the last.  My good friend and I decided to hit up one of the neighborhood bars to check out a hip hop (using the term loosely) show.  As I said, I had a few too many Jamesons and essentially picked a young man out of the crowd.  I am sure he was ok looking, but who cares.  This isn’t a story about a hot one night tryst.  It’s a tale of drunken sex with a random dude that probably used his cousin RayRay’s ID to get into the bar.  Hey, I never said this was a glowing account of my judgment.  It’s bad.

It went like this… Too many drinks, a look across a bar, a sloppy pick up that probably went something like “Do you want to have sex with me?”  We established that he had no car.  So, I asked my friend if she minded one more on the ride back to my place.  She didn’t.  However, she did kinda mind the stop at the pharmacy so I could buy condoms.  This was my best decision of the night, people.  Having my friend stop at the pharmacy while she and some random, nameless guy waited in the car for me to buy condoms.  This was the high point of the night.  

My friend dropped me and random dude off and we spent the first few minutes in my living room looking at random shit on the internet and if I’m not mistaken, he was kind enough to play me some of his music. I’m not going to say I remember it at all, but I doubt it was good.  I am willing to bet that it sounded like most of the music made on the South Side of Houston by 19 year old would be rappers.  Then I fucked him.  Look, there’s no hot lead it.  It was pretty much just like that … He played me some clips of him rapping, then we had sex. 

I think the sex sobered me up a bit.  I remember he was small.  And, I remember he was very fast.  We had sex around 5 times in the course of about 45 minutes.  Yeah.  I’m not exaggerating.  I wish I was.  I never came close to an orgasm and I remember just hoping as he quickly did his business that each one would be the last.  But, I brought him there and he was very enthusiastic, so I just forced myself to put on a happy face and bear it.  Then I passed out.

The next morning, I drove him back to his mama’s house on my way to work.  As he exited my car, a group of guys standing on his porch yelled out that (Man’s Name) had been shot the night before, but he was okay.  This was just about the only interesting detail of this encounter.  As he closed the door, he leaned toward the window.  “Can I have your number?”  The most humane thing I could think to do was say “No” and just drive away. As I drove away, I could hear a combination of chatter about who I was and the shooting the night before.  I sincerely hope that the young man and his friend are both alive and well, but I wouldn’t be able to point him out in a crowd, so I will never know.  It doesn’t matter.  The moral of this story is, if you are going to pick up a 19 year old at a bar and have horrible sex with him, make sure you have a friend around to witness it all and give you shit for the next 5 years.  And give the guy cab fare, don’t drive him back to his mama’s house.  It can only end badly.