Games People Play

"I am a nice guy, looking for a nice woman to spend time with.  I want it to be simple and fun, NO GAMES."

I hear it all the time.  People say that they are just looking for a simple connection.  They are just looking for a good time.  They are looking for a casual encounter.  They are looking for a relationship and love.  One thing everyone agrees they can do without are "games."  But, when I really think about it, I don't know that people really understand when they are playing games.  And, I am not totally sure that I understand what games are.  I know them when I see them, but defining them for someone is not an easy task.  And with varying definitions for everyone, one person's excitement is another person's game.  For me, a game is any dishonest or backdoor act or message that is meant to accomplish a goal without having the balls to come out and say "This is what I want. You down?"  Cowardice and self-gratification drive people to play.  

A few nights ago, I was on a date and the guy told me a story about how he had dated a woman that moved too fast for him.  He said that she had even gone so far as to show up to his door and propose marriage after only a month of dating.  The funny part of it is, he's the guy that I have been dating that I feel moves a little quickly for me. He wants to see me frequently when I am in town.  There is no question that he likes me.  He even went as far as to give me a hickey.  The question is "What does he want from me?"  It's not a question that eats away at my curiosity.  I don't spend hours or even moments trying to figure out what it is he is thinking or working toward.  But, he talks about his commitment push back just a little something extra.  This is the point when a simple story could become a game.  We haven't dated much, so I don't expect him to know what he wants from me.  I have no idea if he is looking for a relationship or if he just wants to get all the fun he can out of the time we are spending together.  I think it is time to have that talk.  But, I am not sure that he can face or share what he wants.  It's not my goal or my hope to put him on the spot or make him feel uncomfortable, but I don't want him to get the wrong idea.  So, I think I will simply share my goals (again) and give him the space to share his if he wants.

*While some use games to try to trick someone into a relationship, other people use games to keep someone hanging on just enough, without committing. This is a different game. But, they fit together nicely.

There are also times when people have been conditioned to play games by dating player of the game for their whole lives.  I have friends (and have at times been one) that have habitually dated emotional dwarfs and, due to this fact, they are unable to function outside of the world of games.  They try and they want to, but as soon as they are unhappy in their situation, they snap into game mode.  Saying exactly what you feel puts you in a vulnerable place.  As a woman, this task becomes especially daunting.  We are told that we are overly emotional.  We have been conditioned and socialized to think that we talk about our emotions too much and we are overly dramatic.  True, there are women (and men) that fit this bill.  Therefore, talking about your feelings and being honest about your motives could leave you open to ridicule, shut down or alone.  So, instead of sharing their emotions and feelings, people redirect it and attempt to evoke and inspire emotion in their mate.

I remember the "come to Jesus" moment when I realized I used this tactic and when I realized it was taking away any chance I had for happiness. When my ex decided to come clean (after months, maybe years, of suspicion) and tell me that he had been cheating on me, I did all the wrong things.  Fuck him.  I wasn't worried and am not worried about how I might have hurt him.  But, later I would try to make it work.  Due to my actions that night and for the next few months, that would not be possible.  I sabotaged any chance at getting what I wanted.  As I look back (with my 20/20 hindsight) I can think of a million other things that would have been better than what I did.  What I did was pick up my phone, in front of my boyfriend, and call a guy that had been trying to get with me.  I asked him to meet me at my apartment, I asked my boyfriend to get out of my car and I went back to my place and had sex with another man all night.  The next day, I felt horrible.  I had used myself and I hadn't been able to enjoy the sex, because I was shattered.  What I should have done was tell him that he had broken my heart.  I should have said I was sad.  Then, I should have gone to my mama's house, climbed in bed with her and cried out the hurt.  But, I tried to make him jealous.  I tried to get even, to no avail.  Again, another case of games leaving two losers.  The same games I was using in attempt win were leaving me the loser, every round.

In a real adult situation, no one wins and no one loses.  Some get what they want, some get what they need and some get hurt.  But, in the end, truth will leave you able to hold your head up high.  After that horrible night, not only could I never look at my ex without thinking of him with her, but he could never look at me without thinking of me with him.  If there had ever been a chance for me to forgive him and move on, it would now be compounded with the task of him forgiving me or at least forgetting the mental image I had worked so hard to burn into his brain.  So engulfed in The Game, my only goal was to make him feel.  That is what games do.  They make people react.  But, they rarely offer room for reflection, realization or reconciliation.

Houston, We Have A PROBLEM

What's with the hickeys??? I have made it through 30 years without getting one.  Then, all of a sudden, I get two in the course of two weeks?  The Photographer gave me my first hickey and it was an accident, but this last one was a definite "wrench in the spokes" move.  It's got "Intent to Claim" written all over it.

This newest guy... I don't know what we will call him, yet.  He's got motives.  And I don't know what they are.  That's a little scary to me.  What's also scary is that I have shown him the site.  He and I went on a few dates when I was here in Houston during the summer.  At that time, I showed him the site and I am not sure that we ever really talked about it again.  I don't know if he reads it or will see this.  I am not totally sure that he knows what I "do" or am doing.  Nor do I know what he is doing.

Don't get me wrong.  We have had some really nice times together.  He's really sweet and it's very nice to spend time with him.  He's attentive, but sometimes too much so.  I get the feeling that all the attention he shows me is like throwing a boomerang.  He's hoping it will all come back to him.  Of course, we all want someone to reciprocate. But, it's a fine line.  There is a point when someone caring for you and being there for you can start to feel a little draining.  He's not there yet, but I am keeping one eye open at all times, just in case needy starts to creep in.

On the other hand, I also get the idea that he might be looking for sex.  But, he's just one of those guys that will date you for a while, get sex and then chuck a deuce and move on.  He might be a hunter that likes to stalk his pray for a bit.  If that is the case, we will find out soon, because last night, in his car, things got a little steamy.  And, by 'a little steamy,' I mean we had a little sex.  Yes, just a little.  There's no hidden message there.  He brought more than enough to the table, but I was cramped and uncomfortable, so I pulled the plug before anyone could reach the promised land.

I will say that when he touched me, I was really surprised.  I was also surprised by the way his kiss made me feel this time.  The first time we dated, I didn't really feel anything when he kissed me.  I was apprehensive to kiss him again this time.  There was just that same draining feeling the first time he kissed me.  But, from the summer to last night, something had changed and I was really attracted to him. And his touch was amazing.  It made me long for a bed to stretch out on and see what he could really offer, but alas, the passenger seat of his car wasn't really doing it for me.

So, I am left wondering many things about The Mystery Man.  What is his goal?  What is motivating all the attention he gives?  What's he like in bed? And ... Why the hickey?  We are having dinner tonight.  Maybe I'll ask.

Grown Folks Part 2 - His Response

This was his response.  I can honestly say this was the most honest, satisfying response I have ever gotten from a man.  I feel like we are free from the things that make people afraid to say what they want to say.  I was terrified to be honest with him, because I worried he would shut down.  He didn't.  So, this is it.  I copied and pasted, so blame Marlon for the over-use of ellipses and lack of capitalization. But, to his credit, it's a hell of an email and his spelling and humor are spot-on. Oh and he's really beautiful, so imagine a really great-looking, smart, funny guy typing all these periods and lower-case i's. 

_______________________________________________________

well i would first like to say thanks for being honest and i really appreciate it and i know it was hard for you to send this email and put yourself out there. i am glad you did. and i do respect where you are coming from and being guarded due to things that have happened in the past. well you know that i like you and enjoy spending time with you as well so its not like its a one way street... and as far as i know i don’t think anything would change with us because we are honest with each other and have expressed our feelings of relationships and such with each other. and i see nothing wrong with really liking someone... i have told you that even though its not a lot of time we spend together what we do spend is nothing short of awesome and just effortless... i feel very comfortable around you and especially after our last encounter i don’t think we could get any closer unless i bought my own table with stir ups (i think they are called) attached...

but yeah we had this talk about the next step and i think i said something along the lines of just go with it... cause if you set up guidelines and rules then it becomes something that it wasn’t supposed to be... we have fun together knowing that we are both dating/seeing other people and its not something that we hide from each other... but setting a goal is usually setting yourself up for disappointments if you don’t reach it... i don’t have goals in relationship of any sort with people i just take things one day at a time and enjoy every moment of it that i am spending with that person.

i respect and 110% agree with your closing statement.... and i would expect nothing less from you... we have not kept anything from each other thus far so why start now. i know your actively dating and such and you know i am doing the same but if there is anyone that comes along that i feel like i want to be with and would get me to stop talking to seeing or hanging out with you... you would know it well in advance. and believe me you have a lot of qualities that activate the "launch" sequence and its not all bedroom eyes and such... your smart ass comments make me laugh and smile on the inside and that has not happened in quite a long time... and just to be comfortable with you to talk about anything with you and not feel judged is huge in my book... and we do tend to relate to each other very well. after meeting you i was hoping for nothing less than hopefully being at the very least really good friends... i even thought about putting in an application for the "seasonal boyfriend" position that you bloged about a while ago..... :) have fun in H-Town and Plainville.... and for the record i am not counting down the days until you back in *blank* again cause that would make me sound like a hater and want your trip to be over and i don’t want that..... ok maybe kinda... just a little bit... i would even say a minuscule  amount... ok have fun... and again thanks for sharing and being honest with your feelings and i will be honest and not do anything to jeopardize the trust we have...

Grown Folks

I decided to go all in with Marlon and tell him exactly how I felt.  I have been playing push/pull with him. (And not in the good way.)  It's got to be too much for both of us.  I was not handling it well, so I decided to put it all out there and open up instead of shutting down. *Note ... I don't send guys emails.  They can read the blog if they want to know how I feel, but he asked me to explain my feelings in an email.  So, this is what I sent. 
____________________________________________________
Dear Marlon,

Preface:

It took me a while to figure it out.  I say I am "fickle" about Marlon in order to guard myself.  It's easier than saying "I am emotionally stunted and it is going to take me a few tries to figure out how to handle my feelings."  I have been talking to this guy.  He surprised me.  I am not sure what it is that hits someone ... what jumps out of one person and strikes another, but it hit me.  I have feelings for Marlon that extend beyond any I have had in a long time.  Being emotionally stunted, I jumped from thought to thought.  Possibility to possibility. All or nothing kinda stuff. But, in the end, I just really like him.  And I don't know what that means.

In the past, a structured monogamous relationship or a "commitment" were the ways I dealt with feelings.  There was a place that it went. Instead of just feeling something and enjoying it, I was always looking for the next step.  Liking someone was like climbing stairs with a goal, a destination to reach at the top.  Trouble was, that was grueling.  It was a lot of hard work and I never reached that goal.  I never came to that fictional promised land everyone had told me existed.

What I did get from my relationships was a skill-set that would come to haunt me. 

_______________________________________________

This does apply to you.  This is how.  My only dating goal right now is to be open and to see how life works without seeking a relationship.  This thing with you has been my first challenge.  Of course it's not hard to fight the urge to be in a relationship with guys you don't want to be in a relationship with, but with you it's different.  You are the first person I would actually like spending lots of time with.  You are the first guy I have met in years that I would want to be with if I were not clear on where I stand.

I have dealt with bouts of loneliness.  I have thought about relationships, out of shear want to not be alone.  But, I haven't met anyone that I wanted. But, I want you. 

The last time I was in a situation where the man I wanted was dating and sleeping with other people, I was being cheated on.  It was all negative and full of lies.  It was a symptom of a greater problem.  It was a sign that he had grown tired of me and that he wanted to explore things without me.  His exploration with other women was the beginning of the end of "us."

So, I am primed and conditioned to feel a sense of loss when I think of a guy I care about being with other people.  I am working against years of hurt.  Years of pain and deceit that left me the loser in the end.  I think of you dating other people and I think that it will eventually mean and end to whatever we are doing.   I think you will inevitably fall for someone and you will want to be with them only.  When this happens, you will be callus.  It's just the way things go.  All is fair.  And I am hurt again. 

So, it's not fickle.  It's quite deliberate.  I go back and forth with this battle.  I just stop talking to you and then it goes away.  Or, I challenge myself to deal with the feelings and try to scrape away the residue that has been left on my psyche.  I know this seems like a lot of thought for such a casual relationship.  But, once you have taken enough punches, you learn how to block.  The thing that we have working for us is the honesty.  That sets all this apart. 

So, I am trying.  And I am starting with respecting you and not putting shit from my past on this situation we have here. 

This part is really tough.  I will fight the urge to be a smart ass or make tough-girl jokes. ***Here goes: You are not something/one I can or will be fickle about.  I respect you and I want you in my life as long as it makes us both happy.  If one of us is made unhappy by the situation we both knowingly created, we will cease.  But, I will not take this lightly and I won't pull the bullshit I have been pulling.  I am sorry.  All I ask is that you understand and respect how important honesty is to me.  My trust is vulnerable.

-Jehn

*I'll let you know what he says.

Power Slut

This is a repost of the feature article I wrote for the Sex Issue of Hater Magazine.  Check them out.  Hater Magazine is my second home.

____________________________________________________________________

Over the summer, I embarked on a mission. I was going to bend the gender roles that had made me ashamed to be a highly sexually charged woman. I was going to “out” myself. I am a dater. I am a woman and I love sex. This is the story of how I came to grips with being a great woman and stopped struggling to fit into societal pigeonholes. This is the tale of how one woman figured out that she was neither The Madonna nor The Whore and how she shared it with the world.

 As a woman, I have spent most of my adult life trying to fit into a premade mold. This is the mold for, The Nice Girl. She’s the marry-able girl. The one a man wants to bring home to his mother. She’s got a pleasant job. Perhaps, she’s a schoolteacher. She’s pretty and smart. She’s had 1–2 sexual partners and she is looking to settle down and have 2.5 children. The number of sexual partners is important here. If she has had more than a handful, she needs to be willing to lie about it. She should actually be willing to lie about anything, including her shoe size in order to fit the mold.

I am not the only one that has been trying to squeeze a size 9 into The Nice Girl’s size 7. All of my friends have been doing it as well. Actually, the better part of my generation has been struggling with the glass slipper. The closer we get to 30, the more the desperation for a relationship becomes almost palpable. It’s all around us. Striving to be “marriage material” we put our sexuality on a shelf and struggle to be more pleasant. The trouble is the struggle isn’t fun and a lot of the time it doesn’t have an equal pay off. It would be nice if at the end of the dating rainbow there was a well-hung Prince Charming waiting with a pot of orgasms, but that’s not usually the case. My theory is that the dating rainbow itself is where the orgasms are. If you should happen to stumble upon Prince Charming and his loot, more power to you. But, happiness shouldn’t be set aside in search of him.

My single cohorts are looking to get married. My married friends are struggling to regain excitement. And I am just confused. I don’t know where I fit. I am a sexually charged woman that can have an orgasm at the drop of a hat and I feel like I am a good person. I am kind, but I love sex. So, where does that leave me? We all realized early in life that we only have certain molds in which we can spend life attempting to fit. Those molds come with ground rules.

• Women can fall into one of two categories: either the Madonna or the Whore. So you can be the mother and the wife, or you can be sexually liberated. You can spend your days ironing and cooking or you can spend them on the streets making money. These are very extreme cases of the Madonna and the Whore, but they are roles that are prevalent in our society nonetheless. You see it in television and in movies and, yes, in real life. The pressures are there. You have two options. Pick one.
• You can be a freak in the sheets, but you have to be a lady in the streets. This is another option: live a double life. This way you can act like one thing and be another. Best of both worlds, right? Wrong. It just makes you a hypocrite and a liar. I don’t blame you. I know society has forced it upon you. You need to be able to satisfy your man and still be able to hold your head up at Sunday dinner. So, here’s what you do: If you are sexually active and ‘promiscuous’ you had better do your best to cover it up. Hide your sexuality until it’s time to let it out for the person that should get enjoyment from it: your man.
• Those are the options but this is the golden rule: You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. If you have ever been promiscuous, you can’t possibly ever be someone’s mother or wife. Silly woman. Aren’t these the main things that women aspire to: The Hoe or the Housewife, the Madonna or the Whore, or the life of dual citizenship in both?

So, in light of my options I said, “Fuck that,” and I meant it. I am never going to be able to take away my number of sex partners nor do I want to. I will never be able to fit any premade molds, so I abandoned the search for a relationship. I set out to strive for happiness, discover my sexuality, and just relax. I broke out of my comfort zone and openly started dating multiple men. I broke away from the goal of finding that special someone and I worked on finding what was special about me. I wanted to find myself and my sexuality. It took some soul searching but I quieted my mind and I turned off my relationship radar. The only relationship I would hone in on would be the one with myself.

I swore honesty but I didn’t stop there. I decided that I would create a social contract that could not be broken. I created a blog. In it I revealed everything that society had once taught me to be ashamed of. I wrote about my sexual exploration and about my ability to feel love and lust for multiple people at the same time. I shared my emotions and my vulnerability. I took my dirty laundry from the laundry basket that had been passed down by the women in my family for generations and I hung it right in the front lawn for all to see. It was meant to be cathartic. I never thought anyone would have any interest. I was wrong. My mental masturbation became a small movement amongst women (and men) of my generation.

I got letters from women that had never had an orgasm. I got letters from women that got married young and had wondered what they might have missed. Women sent letters and stories of their own sexual liberation. Men sent letters about their insecurities. I heard tale of couples that were working on changing their roles within their relationship. I got praise and I got cussed the fuck out. I was told that I was a Goddess and I was told that I was dirty, that I was a virtual hooker and a whore.

There it was again. There was that role: The Whore. I couldn’t shake it. The truth was: I still believed I was a whore. Society had infused the notion into my brain. It wasn’t that people regularly called me that directly but with sayings like “He won’t want the cow if he can get the milk for free,” what was I to think? I had been giving the milk away for years. Did this make me unworthy of love? No. First of all, I am not a cow and my vagina is not milk. I am not a commodity. I am a person.

I battled this deep inside. I wrote about the things I did and I put myself out there to be totally open to ridicule. I stepped to the edge of the cliff. I took the step over, closed my eyes and prayed to God that my chute would open. I prayed that my self-confidence would come through in the final hour and I would be able to shed this cloak that had been tossed over all sexually ambitious women. I hoped the Whore Cloak would detach mid-fall or that it would shatter upon impact. A big part of me still wanted to be The Nice Girl and now the world knew I wasn’t. It was too late to turn back. I buried my head in a pillow and cried. The next day I woke up and wrote more.

My small world was abuzz with tensions. I could feel that my presence and honesty were refreshing for some and challenging for others. I learned that there was nothing easy about being a sexually liberated woman in our society. Showing that I was an openly active woman was like a call for sideways glances. Even my gynecologist found herself one patient short after a routine STD screening, where she refused a herpes test. She swore I was being paranoid until I told her that I was sexually active with multiple partners. After that, the question of no symptoms was not the issue. Multiple partners made my request for a full STD screen more valid. Any request for a full STD screening should be met. The fact of the matter is women lie about their sex partners because we are taught to be ashamed of how many men we have been with. There were derogatory terms created especially for women like us: whore, slut, tramp, jezebel, hoe, skank, cum sponge, etc. In order to deny the mental image of being one of these things, women lie. Even to their doctors. When I was honest with my doctor, she made the statement, “Oh, sounds like you are a gambling woman.” Medical records stamped: WHORE. A lot of the time, people prefer if you lie to them; Even your gynecologist.

People are more comfortable when you lie. So, women lie about sex. We don’t do it because we are bad people or because we are deceitful. We do it because we are tired of the sideways glances and the endless dishes of judgment. It has nothing to do with an apple or a garden. The lies aren’t our punishment. They are our sacrifice. We do it because we have been taught that we should. We should be ashamed of our sexuality. We do it because it makes others comfortable. As women, that is our job, to make others comfortable at our own expense. We act like we aren’t just as sexual as men and we accept the lies as a part of life.

My blog and my honesty became more than a cleanse for me. If my shame was rooted in Eve’s disobedience, then I had removed the fig leaf. There I was. Me. I am a best friend to all my long-term lovers. I give emotional support and comic relief. I am a great person to call if you need anything. I am resourceful. I can change the oil in your car, change a flat tire, and still look fly as hell when I go out. I have a foul mouth, but your mother still loves me because I’m sharp witted. Your dad loves me because I am funny and charming. All your friends think I’m dope but you don’t ever have to worry about me flirting with any of them. Though, don’t even think of trying to flirt with my girls because I make friendships with bonds that no man can break. I have an amazing relationship with my family and I am a responsible loving daughter. I am great at math and I am better in bed. I love sex and I am a good person.

The journey was not easy. It wasn’t glamorous. It was grueling at times. Opening yourself up for judgment is horrible. Defying the roles society has created for you is hard work laced in tears but it’s worth it. I wouldn’t turn back for anything. I didn’t become a new me. I just let the real me be seen in the purest form. I am not shut off to love but am able to feel it and see it in its best light: free from jealousy, shame and desperation.

In the end, I don’t fit into those categories. I don’t fit into any mold that society has prescribed. I’m not a hoe, nor a housewife. I am not The Madonna or The Whore. I am The Good Woman. Actually, I am The Great Woman. That’s not even the big news. The big news is there are Great Women around every corner. We are not of a rare breed. We’re all just confused and still trying to fit into that damned glass slipper. We can’t really be seen for what we are. I’m done trying to fit the mold. I am a size or two too big. So, I may not be The Nice Girl, but from here on out, I am just going to be The Great Woman that I am.

Houston, Again.

This trip to Houston has been interesting.  Mostly, because while my body has been in Houston, my mind has been in New England.  I can't win.  When I'm there, I want to be here and when I'm here, I want to be there.  So, I have to meet myself in the middle.  When I fly back, I am not flying into my town.  I am flying into Boston to be with a man.  I don't know what I am doing.

We have been texting and talking all day for days.  The conversations are interesting.  They are very future-geared and not the kind of talk in which I normally engage. But, I am enjoying it.  I am not in love with him and he is not in love with me.  We are just playing house at this point.  Joking and talking about the way things could be if we discovered that we were compatible.  We are delving into possibilities that I have not explored with anyone in a very long time.

The trouble is, I am following a situation where I had immense feelings for someone that I would not open up to, Marlon.  He was unattainable for monogamy, and I was too scared to explore having feelings for someone while knowing they are sleeping with someone else.  I can have feelings for a person and date other people, and I can be perfectly fine with that.  I can date and have sex with people that have different partners.  I don't get jealous.  I don't frequently find myself thinking about their other partners or what it is like when they are together.  I don't care. Normally.

But, I don't think I can do that and be in love with someone, yet.  This is not to say that I don't think it can work, or that it won't work for anyone.  But, I have to think of things in the context of my little brain.  The last time I loved someone that was sleeping with other people, it was laced with lies and pain.  It wasn't a healthy situation that I had entered into willingly.  So, attempts to enter into the healthy willing version of this scenario now are tainted by jealousy, bad memories, pain and hurt feelings.  It was becoming hard to differentiate and I could see myself falling into a situation that I couldn't handle, at this point.  So, I backed off and I told Marlon that I wanted to stop talking to him.  I am not ready to feel that much for a person and I didn't like the person I became when I thought about him.  I saved myself and Marlon from some messiness.  It was hard and I didn't like it, but it's done and once I do something, I stick with it.

Then, out of nowhere, enter John.  What the hell??? I can't even go into this right now.  Let's just say I left to one complicated, feeling and emotion-wrought situation and immediately, there was another.  I bailed out of the first just in time to fall into another.  For someone who doesn't have structured relationships and monogamy, I sure am having a lot of emotion.  I don't think this is what I signed up for.

This Is Not An Experiment

So, there has been a cycle of lulls in posting.  I have discovered that there is not only a seasonal variation in my dating, but a monthly cycle that applies as well. I expected my trip back to Houston to yield many subjects.  However, I am in a place in life where I am just bored with dating.  I get here occasionally.  I just don't think I realized how much it is like clockwork until I started chronicling my ... well, my everything.

I recently started talking to a new guy.  Last night, we were discussing a fantasy future of "us."  We started talking about the blog and he matter-of-factly gave me a reason why I started the blog.  It was something about learning male tendencies and comfort.  I forget exactly.  But, I do remember that it was off the mark. When he said it, I just remember thinking, "Wait. What?"

He wasn't the first person to attempt to find my reason for starting the blog.  The truth is, the only reason I started writing, was because funny and interesting things were already happening.  I never thought "oh, this will be an experiment." or "I'm going to emulate or imitate the actions of men."  I simply decided to chronicle my actions.  This is me.  These are the things I was doing before the blog ever existed.  I haven't decided to change myself. The only decision that was made was one that I had made before starting the blog; the decision to stop looking for a relationship.  The only decision I made was the one to enjoy free-dating without the confines of love and relationships guiding my every move.

The product (so far) is one that I didn't expect.  But, I didn't really expect anything, at all.  The fact is, it's possible to abandon monogamy.  It's possible to abandon the confines of structured relationships.  However, it is not possible (for me) to abandon love. This was a silly goal to have.  Being guided by love is fine.  Since starting this blog, I have realized what it means to love yourself in a way I hadn't really known before.  I suppose it is a place I would have come to whether I had started the blog or not, but I will never know that for sure.

When I started the blog, another well-known sex/lifestyle blogger said my experience would be cathartic.  It was.  But, it was not merely a way to purge.  This hasn't just been a release of feelings and weight.  I haven't just shed old feelings.  I have found new feelings.  I have discovered new things about myself.  I have realized that certain things are more important to me at certain times.  I am not the same exact person every day.  My wants and desires shift and wane day-by-day.

The things I wanted when I started this blog are not the same things I want today.  I am happy about this.  When I started this blog, I brought a hard exterior into sexual experiences.  I thought I could separate sex from warmth and from love.  This is true to a certain degree.  I don't have to be in love to enjoy sex.  I have actually had some pretty amazing sex.  But, in order to have a pleasurable life, I need both great sex and I need love.  I need warmth and I need compassion.  I need a shoulder to cry on.  I need someone that cares about me.

As I navigate my way through my dating life, I still look to monogamy as a way to feel validated.  My mind keeps saying that I am not looking for another person.  My mind knows that this is the time when I get to know the person I have, the person I am. The only problem is in knowing the difference between time needed to grow and just being shut off because I have been hurt in the past.  I know I need to grow, but I also know that I am scared to get close to anyone again.  So, the question that keeps lurking is, "How do I know when I'm ready to let someone in?"