Clean Slate

Lately, my posts have been sporadic and uninformative. This blog has become a place for me to vent and make attempts to keep posting regularly.  That's changing now. I have cleaned my slate.  A lot of things have come to the surface and I am realizing a lot about myself.  The past year has been a great journey.  I have never learned more about myself than in the past year. I have actually learned a lot in the past 3 years.

I came back to school. I left a job and a long-term relationship. I left my friends and family and I moved across the country. I experienced snowy winters.  I went back and forth with my ex for a while.  I took a year off from dating and spent that time focusing on my studies.  I had a crazy summer, followed by a crazy fall. I had the most exciting/best sex of my life and managed to do it all while still making good grades. And, if everything goes as planned, in two weeks, I will graduate with honors.

It has been a phenomenal year.  And it has culminated into one very trying week. I suffered a minor spinal injury, but that wasn't even the big thing. I started my strengthening exercises today and I am feeling better already. It will take some work, but I will bounce back from this in no time and I will do whatever it takes to keep my body healthy and in shape.

But, lately I have been wondering if I have the same priority and push to keep my mental and emotional state as healthy as my physical state. In the past week, I was forced to face some issues with my father.  I have always pushed to forgive my father for wrong-doings in my childhood. I did a good thing. I forgave him and I forgave my mother for some things that were not that easy to get over.  But, I did it.  I wanted to be a happy adult and I wanted to make sure I didn't just go through life blaming my parents for things I was unhappy about, but never really working to change those things.

In the past week, some of my father's new mistakes have come to light. And they have brought with them some old feelings.  And, they have brought some new revelations.  At this point, I am pretty sure that if I don't make an effort to contact my father and have a relationship with him, I will never talk to him again.  I am fairly sure that he would not reach out to me.  This was a tough realization to come to.  Over the past few years, I have made a strong effort to build a relationship with my father.  I have put in more effort than he ever has.

Now, I need to realize that he has not and will not put in the same level of effort. He is not as concerned with us having a relationship as I am.  So, all of my efforts were for me.  I did it for me.  I got to know my father. I asked him questions about his life so that I could understand him, so that I could understand me. I wanted to have a relationship with my father so that I could learn about me.  I did that. So, all should be well, right?  I should be happy. I have learned a lot about him. I have learned a lot about me.  Mission accomplished.

Not quite. I also wanted him to love me. I wanted him to love me in the way I have seen fathers love their daughters. I wanted him to appreciate me.  I wanted him to want to know me too. But, he doesn't. He's not going to give me what I want. So, I have to stop searching for it. Everywhere.

I also have to realize that just because my father doesn't love me in the way I expect love to look, doesn't mean I am unlovable. Yes. I said it. And I am not saying it again. It's one of those underlying things that you feel. It's cliche and it's untrue. It's trite and it's kept me from reaching my full potential of single life.

I knew I wanted to be single. I knew that I was single based on my own decisions. I was single because I wanted to enjoy sex with different men (and possibly some women.) I wanted to be single, because I wanted to have my time to myself. I didn't want to be tied to anyone. But, I need to be single for other reasons.

I need to be single because I am looking for love. Not like I'm looking for that special one. I am looking for a love that looks like I expect love to look. And I won't get that. I am looking for something to fill a void (I know what you are thinking and that's gross.)  I am looking for something unrealistic. When I am in a relationship, I don't handle it well. So, I needed to be single for a while to realize these things about myself.

I used to fall into relationships quickly. And, once in, I held on in unhealthy ways. I chose men that wouldn't fully commit to me.  I chose men that were like my father in that way.  That is pretty much the only way they were like him, but that cliche has a small place with me.  My ex was with me.  He called me his girlfriend and we lived together for a while.  But, he also made it known on occasion that he wasn't sure that I was the one for him. And in the end, that was what did it. He wasn't sure that I was the one for him.  I have always been with men that weren't quite sure.  I have always made the effort.  And when I let my grasp lighten, they were gone.

Lately, I have been walking around with a wall up.  I haven't let anyone in.  I have friendships that have formed after sex. I have close relationships with men I sleep with. But, I don't look for love from them. I don't look for much of anything. But, with The (Never) Maybe Boyfriend, it was a little different. We talked about a future.  We talked about taking it slow and seeing where it went.  I went to Houston and spent time with him.

Then, one day, he said it. He just wasn't ready. He didn't know what he wanted, but he still wanted to talk. I let it go. We kept talking. And I started liking him more and more. But, today, I decided that it's ending.  I am no longer doing that thing. I am no longer spending my energy attempting to create relationships where relationships don't want to be created. I have stayed away from it for this long, but I didn't really know what I was staying away from or why. But now, I get it.

I told The Maybe Boyfriend we needed to go our separate ways and I deleted his number.  I have nothing against him.  He's wonderful, kind and funny. He just doesn't want me.  And I shouldn't want someone that doesn't want me. So, I'm starting over. It's not a set back. It's a step forward. I am looking ahead and I am happy to see what the future holds. And at this point, I hope it holds sex. Because, I have had my feelings wrapped all around The Maybe Boyfriend for a while now and I am pretty sure I have skipped more than a handful of opportunities. Not anymore. My slate is cleaned, my dance card is cleared and I am ready to move forward.