An End To Pretexts

After my date on Thursday, (We'll call him The Good Dater.)  I got a text that simply read, "So, did I make the blog?"  We had a perfectly good time.  We got along and had chemistry, but his first message wasn't "I had a good time" it was an inquiry of whether or not his performance had been worthy of a post.  Almost everyone gets a post.  The only people that get no sort of post at all are the really bad dates.  If I have nothing good to say, I say nothing at all.  So, he got a short post.  Not because it was bad, but because I had other things on my mind.

On Friday, I had my head on Marlon's (formerly The Newest Favorite) chest when he said it.  I am not sure who brought the blog up, but he hit the nail on the head.  He said something about the blog creating a problem.  Something along these lines ... Of course a guy is going to hit me back, because he wants a good write-up. I can't remember his exact words, but I know where it took my mind.  All of the men I am dating are performing.  Where I had wanted to be honest about the blog and live in a bed of total honesty, I have created a world of deception and distrust.  Men are performing for me, some only going out with me for a write up and some saying things that will put them in a favorable light in my eyes, in order to create a positive place for themselves in my mind.  As if being cheated on and heartbroken didn't create enough distrust, now I have this added element, that I have created.  The dating has become about the blog, instead of having a blog about dating.  That is useless to everyone and everything, except my libido.  But no one wants good sex that is bred out of ego or fear of a bad post. 

So, I am going to try something new.  I am not volunteering information about the blog.  I have dabbled with this before, but from here on out, I don't volunteer my URL.  There's no way for me to honestly know who really likes me and who is looking for a favorable review.  This will create peace of mind for me, less anxiety or nervousness for whomever I am dating and a more honest tale for you guys.  

And now .... The Tale Of Marlon or: Why I Think The First Time I've Made Love In A Very Long Time Was A Performance For My Benefit ... and ... Why This Post Proves I'm Jaded. 

Shameless Plug

You guys should check out my other blog.  Don't worry.  It's just pictures ... Not more of my aimless babblings about sex and life.  Click here to see it.  Here's a sampling below. 

Good Dates And Other Things

This has been a good week for my dating life.  I shed some dead weight and realized some things about myself in the process.  I also had a two day long texting and Skype tryst with a possible crush back home and had two dates.

Lewis and I have made a healthy transition from lover to friend and it turns out I was right.  I love him, but I was never in love with him.  That is why we can be friends and I can hear about his dates without any sadness or pain.  I have not been in love in a very long time.  It's hard to realize that you are not in something, until you think back and remember what it felt like to be in it.  I have been thinking about my ex a lot.  Not the most recent one, but a few back and I remember what it felt like to just be head over heels.  It's been a while.

Everything with Todd has come to a full close.  I am not sure what I was doing there.  In the end, he was right.  I never fully wanted him.  I liked him, but I never got that feeling for him.  I never once felt for him, the way I feel right now.  (I'll explain that statement later.)  Todd and I never made love.  We had sex.  This is what I do.  I climb up on the counter, I bend over the sink, I straddle on the hard wood floors.  I put my hands to the wall and I brace for the impact.  But I never, never fully fall.

I have rough sex.  I have playful sex.  I let them close enough, long enough to have an orgasm and a good time, then back at arms length they go.  I joke that I'm always in love after good sex.  It's a high that I have come to see as my most intimate of emotions with men, right now.  I am guarded.  I make no excuses.  I wanted to be this way.  I had been disappointed and stagnant in my self for too long.  I wanted to put up a wall and let my garden grow without the added fertilizers and boot prints that "boyfriends" can leave.  I did not realize what would come of this, but I just went for it.  There was really no other option.  I could keep trying to jump into relationships, or I could just be me.  The strange thing was, just being me was the harder option.  Little to no distractions makes you take a step back and analyze some shit.  And forgetting what it's like to be in love, can sometimes make you feel like you could fall in love with anyone for a brief period, and at the same time, feel like you can't find a connection with anyone at all.

I go on dates.  I had one just the other night.  We met for drinks.  We went to dinner and we went dancing. We had a really nice time.  We didn't go back to my place.  We didn't have sex in the bathroom.  We just drank, ate and danced.  We didn't fall in love.  We didn't have share each other's bodies.  He's going through a divorce and I am having a good time and exploring myself.  It was perfect.  It was so clear and we talked the next day with no pretenses or games.  It was nice, refreshing.  It wasn't intimate on any exceptional level.  It was like making a new friend.  We don't have to look to the future, just have a good time in the present.  It set the tone for a new step in clarity.  I liked him.  He liked me.  I will never be with him and I will never be in love with him.  I don't have to be curious about where it's going or if I have to worry about hurting him or myself.  We can just be.  It's like friends with a twist.

_____________________________________________________
That having been said.  Last night was a whole other situation.  I finally met "The Newest Favorite."  He came to my place and we had dinner and watched a movie.  Then, he turned all of my clarity on its head.  It was perfect in a whole new way.  I'm sure I'll name him, but I can't write about him yet.  I'm still really confused and I am tired from not sleeping.  I can't respond to his texts, I can't write about him. I can't think straight, so I think, for now, I'll just go to sleep and dream.

How Long?

Okay.  Here it is ... The eternal question of absurdity ... How long do you wait before calling or texting someone after the first date?  How long do you wait before calling or texting someone after you have had sex for the first time?  Who sets the rules and who actually follows?  What is wrong with just being flirtatious or being open?

It's totally possible that after having sex, or meeting for the first time, you might not like a person.  They might not like you.  It doesn't mean anything about the other person, it doesn't mean anything about you.  It just means one of you didn't click with the other.  This can be tough on the pride.  It can definitely be a blow to the ego.  What it should not be is cloaked in mystery around whether the person actually likes you or whether they are following some arbitrary set of rules.  The room for question shouldn't be so vast or confusing.

I mean, I get it.  People don't want to open themselves up for rejection.  Or, they don't want to get themselves involved in something too quickly and they want to keep a safety buffer.  That's fine.  What is not fine is this act of devising a method and formula of deception and dishonesty to create that buffer.  Nothing says "I thought you were really cool, but I am just not looking for a relationship or a commitment this quickly," like "I thought you were really cool, but I am just not looking for a relationship or commitment this quickly."  A great way to say "let's take some time," is by simply saying it.  Not creating an algebraic equation of when to return a text.

I think honesty is the best policy.  If you don't like someone, if you didn't click, just tell them.  But, on the flip side, nothing really says "I did not dig you" like never calling or returning a text.  That is a different story.  That is pretty clear.  You don't need some asshole to write you a book on it.  I have to admit, I am guilty of the clean cut.  That having been said, don't make someone think they are getting the clean cut, then call them back two weeks later and say that wasn't the case.  This just makes you a fucker.

*Side note - If you think this post was written with you in mind, you are probably right.  But, it's not passive aggressive, because I have said it to your face, as well.  Plus, you knew I wrote this blog when you decided to put your "P" in my "V" and act like a fucker afterward.  Alls fair.  I knew you might act like a confused marmoset again and you knew I might write about your penis.

Also, if we didn't have a talk that sounded strikingly similar to this post, it's not you.  Give me a call.  We're probably still cool.

Cold

The temperature is in the 30s at night in my neck of the woods.  My bed is comfortable, but keeping it at a comfortable temperature (somewhere between sweat and bone chilling) is not an easy task.  I thought dating would take care of that for me.  I thought I would come back up here and start dating a few men and get a small pool of lovers like I had back home.  They would alternate from weekend to weekend and I would have a warm body to curl up next to at night.

That has not been the case.  Back home I had warm bodies.  I had lovers.  I had friends with which I had sex.  Here, it's stranger after stranger.  I like diversity in my lovers.  I enjoy variety, but I don't like sharing my bed with a series of strangers, each of which I will never see again.  And each of these strangers has left my bed colder than when they entered it.  Not only do they not return, not only is there no friendship, I don't want them to return.  I don't want to manufacture something out of nothing.

I don't want a commitment and I don't want monogamy, but I don't want the endless stream of strangers either.  I want the great sex I was having back home.  I want sex that is worth my time.  I enjoyed my night with The Powerful One.  I enjoyed my night with the football player.  Those were cases of good, hot, passionate sex.  Everything else has been forced and not worth the time spent.  There is the one that I liked, but after we had sex, he didn't call me again.  It was just 3 nights ago, so I won't jump the gun, but 3 days is a long time to not even drop a text.  It is what it is.  But, that left me feeling even colder.  I am not looking for an endless stream of strangers and I am not looking to be misled.  I don't mind sex for the sake of sex, but I do mind feeling like there is something more, when there isn't.

I have been talking to a guy from home.  He's the king of the "hot, passionate sex" men.  I haven't mentioned him before.  Actually, I haven't talked to him in years.  But he resurfaced and at the perfect time.  So, for now, he's my comfortable temperature.  We exchange texts every once in a while and they are just hot enough to keep me going.  At night, I curl up in bed, alone and I think of getting back home and sharing a bed with him.  For the next few days, my life will consist of texting him, working out, taking photos, studying and curling up at night to think of him.  It's perfect.

Then, on Thursday, I have a date.  I don't foresee it going anywhere.  His suggestion was that we grab a drink, have dinner and make out.  That sounds great to me.  But, on Friday, if all goes as planned, I will be meeting someone I have talked to since I got back here.  We talk a lot and he has proven to be a friend.  He's driving in from another city, so he'll have to stay the night.  We'll see where that goes.  I'll keep you guys abreast on any new twists in the story.  Have a good week, folks.

Changes

I have come a long way since I started this blog four short months ago.  I started the blog with a broad, general goal set.  I didn't want to become any specific person.  I didn't want to accomplish any specific goal.  I just wanted to grow.  I wanted to become more honest and understand what it feels like to be confident in the truth.  I wanted to grow as a sexual being and to be able to own my sexuality.  I also wanted to get to know the opposite sex a bit better.

I wanted to understand myself.  I had thoughts and urges and I had been programmed to think that they were dirty or unnatural.  It wasn't just outside influence that had led me to think this way.  I drank the KoolAid.  I passed judgments on women and I passed judgments on myself.  That's all gone.  I have a new view on sex, sexuality and femininity.

When I started sharing, I wanted to see life, love and sexuality without the goals of a relationship or monogamy.  I didn't really have any view on relationships.  I just knew they hadn't been working for me. I was missing the forest for the trees.  I had been in and out of relationships with no success.  Once I stepped back, I found myself wondering what I had been doing for the past year or two of my life.  I was altering who I was and what I wanted to fit the relationship, instead of taking the time to find a relationship that fit me.

I think my take on relationships is frequently misunderstood or I have done a piss poor job at articulating my thoughts.  Most likely, I just didn't understand how I felt.  I find that guys tend to think that I am avidly against being in a relationship.  This is not the case.  I have nothing against relationships.  I frequently find myself longing for a partner.  The difference in me now and me a year ago is this: I now realize that it is a want and not a need. This mindset allows me to be more selective and create higher quality bonds with people.  I realize that some of the situations I enter into are just for momentary glory and others have a potential to last.  This allows me to be honest and open with my lovers.  If I have a higher level of self awareness, I can keep it on the level with the men I am seeing/sleeping with.

At the present, I am in a strange place.  I still want to meet the right person.  I want to have that connection, but I am not done exploring my sexuality.  Simply put, I still want to sleep around.  However, I don't see that changing.  I think it's the natural human condition to want diversity in our sex lives.  The thing is, my idea of a relationship doesn't allow for that.  If I meet a person that is worth it, I will happily give up my trysts and start my sexual exploration with one person.  I miss the comfort of being totally open with one person and the ability to ask for wants and try new things in a trusting, loving environment.  There is a lot to be said for that exploration, as well.  For now, I will be focusing on loving myself and exploring my sexuality with a plethora of attractive men.



 

The Repeat Offender

It's time to share ... again ... with you ... my current dating state.  It's not too terribly exciting, but fulfilling, nonetheless.   I have been talking to a guy that lives nearby, but I am fairly sure he wants more than I can offer at this point in life.  And, considering the fact that we haven't even been out on a date, I am pretty sure that he is moving faster than I know how to move.  I am getting slower in my old age.  Not sure how that's going to work out for me, but it is what it is.

So, there's that.  The guy that is perfectly wonderful wants to take me to Boston and is attentive and nice.  The trouble is he's into me without knowing who I really am.  The pressure is too much.  And, I don't have the same vigor and enthusiasm to offer.  I could keep talking to him and keep going with it, but it wouldn't be fair.

Aside from that, there is still The Powerful One.  I haven't seen him again since we first met.  We have texted occasionally and we have talked about maybe getting together this coming week.  We'll see where that goes.  I will keep you guys updated.  I've been sick for about 6 days, so I haven't been interested in seeing anyone.

That having been said, I am in a new pickle.  I have told you guys that I haven't had any repeat offenders up here in New England.  Meaning: I haven't been out with, slept with or hung out with the same man twice.  I don't know what it is.  I don't put much effort into making it happen.  And there is always the simple element of disinterest, both on their part and mine.  So, there has been plenty of disinterest floating around.  However, there is one guy that I really wanted to see again after I saw him the first time.  I don't think I told you guys about him.  But, at this point, even I am confused about who I have and have not mentioned. I try to mention all worth mentioning, but there is an element of privacy that even a tell-all queen needs to maintain. Well, either way, here he is.  We'll call him The Repeat Offender.

He's really the only person I have had any sort of real crush on up here.  He reminds me of my friends back home.  He's funny.  If he were part of my group of friends, he would totally be the one I had a crush on.  But, he's not.  This is the trouble ... He's not a friend.  I'm not one of his friends, I am a chick he met on a dating site.  There was nothing organic about the way we met.  The most interesting thing about our first contact was that we messaged each other at the exact same time.  That's sort of special, I guess. Right? ... In a grasping at straws kinda way??? No?

And our first "meeting" was interesting.  It was nice.  We ate Taco Bell, drank cheap beer and didn't have sex.  That makes us friends, right?  Have you caught on yet?  Do you see the trouble here?  I want to be his friend.  I want to like him as a person and I want him to like me.  He makes me laugh.  I am okay with him talking to my friends.  I have no problem bringing him into my house before my housemates have gone to sleep.  I want him to think about me in a way that I haven't really cared about up here.  I want him to get over the crush he has on his friend and have a crush on me.  I even sent him an overly emotional text when he blew me off one night.  We didn't talk for a while, then last night, he came over.  Hence, The Repeat Offender.  He's the first New Englander I have seen twice.

We went to dinner and had a really nice time. We walked around my town and joked.  Then, he came back to my house and after introducing him to some of my friends, we came up to my room and one thing led to another. We watched The Office and he made me laugh more.  More trouble in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... I like him.  But, I don't dare to even wonder if he likes me or not.  In realizing all of this, I realized something else.  I am finally over my ex.  And, as I lay here tonight with nothing but my computer, my vibrator and a Red Stripe to keep me warm,  I am happy with me.  I am happy being alone.  I am okay with dating less.  I am happy with my life.  But now, I have gone and fucked it up with a crush.