Fear

Things have been better. I am at about 13 forks in the road and I have no idea where to turn. I am graduating college in 6 weeks and then ... who knows what.  I don't have a job just yet.  I am not too worried about.  I know it will happen with time. But, I am 30 and on May 18th, I will be moving back in with my parents for a month or two so that I can pull it all together and get a place. I am pretty resourceful, so I don't see this as a problem either.

The one area I am highly confused about is the area surrounding all things to do with The Maybe Boyfriend. We just spent a weekend together and I am less sure now then I was when we had only had two dates.  I flew into Houston and then he and I spent two days in a hotel room here. It was wonderful. I had been worried about how the sex would be and it was just shy of amazing. No. Actually, it was amazing. It's been two months since we last saw each other and I have been longing for him the whole time.

I can't possibly count the number of times we had sex.  It was well over 15 in two days.  We pretty much laid in bed, had sex, went out to eat, had drinks and had sex more.  The sex was great.  I have said before that sex is powerful.  It can make you feel more than you had before.  I remember all the nights laying in bed and wishing he was with me or inside me. Then, there it was. There we were. We would make love, then lay in each other's arms. It was comforting. And, I haven't had sex in over two months, so it was a much needed release.

All the stress from school has been pent up inside me and he gave me an outlet that I have needed.  As I have said, the sex was great.  It was passionate and there was feeling behind it. It's been a long time since I've had sex with someone I cared about and could see having more with.  We all know I cared about Marlon, but nothing was ever going to come from that.

Not to say that I know something will come of things with The Maybe Boyfriend.  This leads us to the dilemma that everyone goes through ... What is this? I'm still not sure.  We have talked every day since we met.  We text a lot.  But, now we have confused it with sex.  I suppose I expect it to fade now.  Now that we have been intimate, I expect it to fall off. Either he or I will start to drift. In the meantime, I will feel like I have no idea what I am doing.

I have been feeling old feelings that I had abandoned long ago and vowed never to come back to.  He jokes a lot. Good looking women are always his "boo." This is also the name he has been calling me. I don't like that. He shared with me that his ex texted him and it ruined his day. I have already expressed to him that I have a small fear that he will get back with his ex. It's not a huge fear, but it's a thought in the back of my mind. If it should happen, I will just move on.  He has also shared with me that he has been poked on FB by a rather attractive young woman. My curiosity is why he chose me to ask "What does a poke mean?" But, like I said ... If he moves on, he moves on.  It's not like I am in love.  I am just getting to know him.

If I've done nothing else, I have learned how to keep myself, even when others drift in and out of my life.  But, I have realized what I have lost.  I have lost the ability to have faith in men or relationships.  I'm sure this will come as no surprise to any of you. I have pretty much held to the fact that relationships really aren't for me.  I even went as far as adopting the pen name "PolyAmory." I knew who I was. I know who I am. The trouble is in figuring out the intentions of someone else. I don't know what I am to him. I think it's normal to feel this way.  I question if I am just a good time for him.  Am I a cushion to soften the blow of the broken heart he got from his ex just a short 7 months ago?  It's hard to know and lord knows I am not the most trusting person.

I am attempting to keep him at arm's length, but it's not working very well. And, now that we have had sex, I feel myself working to push him even further away ... Telling myself that every Facebook post and text message are the other women he's talking to.  I have even gone as far as texting and encouraging the other men I was talking to before.  I have not crossed any lines. I haven't talked to or been with anyone else since I met him, but I would not put self-sabotage past me.  The only thing that holds me back is the fact that I could let my fear hurt someone else. And he's a pretty amazing guy that has been hurt.  I don't want to do that to him.  But, I am guarded and if I am talking to other men, it won't hurt as bad when he texts to tell me that he has met someone or is going back with his ex; a fate my brain finds impossible to abandon, altogether.