Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Pump The Brakes

I've been thinking too much.  Over-thinking is very possible and a lot of us are no stranger to the detrimental act. I don't mean to sell it short. Thinking can be good at times: When at work, when writing a term paper, when on a job interview, when operating heavy machinery.  If you are engaging in any of those activities, please, think long, think hard.  But, if you are trying to get to know someone new ... If you are attempting to take things slow and have a good time with a new 'friend', suspend the constant thinking and questioning.  This is no time for over-thinking things.

You all know I have been talking to someone.  We've been in contact daily, but we are also taking it all day-by-day.  We have said we wanted to take things slowly.  And, for the most part, we have done that.  Here's the short story (and by that, I mean the very long version of my 24-hour journey into the dark side.)  I went home for Spring Break last week and we had some great sex for a few days.  Afterward, I spent time with my family and enjoyed the warm Texas weather.  Everything was cool. Then, one evening while I was still in town, he drunk texted me.  The conversation was pretty basic, then, out of the blue, he asks me "What would you say if I told you I really liked you, but didn't want anything serious because I don't trust you yet." What the? Where did that come from?

I didn't have to think about his motivation too long.  I had just written a blog post about his intentions, and so I assumed he had read it.  I was right.  So, I texted back that I didn't remember asking him for anything serious and added some other little snotty remark.  We went back and forth a little, then he called.  It was no big deal.  But, it lingered in my mind over the next few days.  It was so cliche that we would have spent the past 4 days having sex, and as soon as I am about to leave, he makes it known that he's not looking for anything serious.

Anyway, over the next few days, I couldn't help but wonder where he stood and why he felt the need to bring up his apprehension.  He had told me that he didn't trust me, because I had been on a date since we started talking and he didn't want to know these things.  Fair enough, but I do have this blog and we are not exclusive.  As this rationalization ran through my head, it was followed by a memory.  He had recently asked if the blog had ever come back on me in a negative way.  I answered no, because it really hadn't.  The Powerful One didn't like it and he made that known.  But, I didn't like him and I made that known pretty quickly, as well. (He ,The Powerful One, recently unfriended me on Facebook.  No tears were shed.)

So, in an effort to put my curiosity to rest, I told him we should talk about our previous conversation.  I didn't want to get into it that night, because he was drunk and I had taken my sister out for her birthday and tied a couple on, myself. I don't get drunk on dates and I don't have serious conversations drunk. Those are my only drunk rules.  Oh ... and no drunk one-night-stands.  So, he texted me that he was very busy, but that he would like to talk to me the following day, because it was important to him.  This was perfectly reasonable.

The next day, he called and we had a lighthearted conversation, then we progressed pretty naturally into the conversation we had agreed to have.  I had the lingering thought in the back of my mind that this was about to be the cliche moment where he tells me how nice I am, but that he doesn't want anything serious, then he slowly and gradually fades away.  Not really what happened.  Instead, he threw me for a little loop.  He told me that his ex had sent him a Facebook message and that she had expressed to him that she missed him.  He hadn't wanted to feel like he was doing anything behind my back, so he told me that he didn't want anything serious, so that he would be in the clear.  Fair enough, again.

He was being honest and this is all I had wanted.  It's all I've asked for from any of the guys I have talked to. But, in an instant, I was hurt.  I hadn't felt this way in a while. I felt bamboozled, hoodwinked. I felt like I had fallen for the okey-doke.  The fact that we had sex for 4 days didn't matter.  That was not the issue.  I enjoyed the sex and I entered into it as an adult.  But, I felt something for him.  I wasn't looking to get into a relationship and I certainly didn't want one this quick, but we had talked about the future in small ways and we had enjoyed our time together.

In a flux of PMS and disappointment, tears filled my eyes.  Fuck.  He was still explaining that he just wanted to be honest with me as I tried to clear my throat and swallow my pride.  I knew he was probably going to expect me to talk soon and the tears were flowing at this point.  My voice would surely tell on me.  Then, he said ... "Hellooo?"  I said ... "Yep." And he knew. "Oh no, don't cry."  I felt like such an ass.  If it had been any other moment, I probably wouldn't have cried.  If it had been any other reason, I could have probably handled it.  But, it was another woman.  That was my weakness. After dealing with the ordeals with other women with my ex, I am not equipped. I can't accept rejection on the basis of "she's better."

This is where it started.  The salt from my tears began to penetrate my skin and soak back into me.  I could feel my sodium rising as I thought about how he had told me that it was because he didn't trust me.  The subtle questions started to scream at me for being so stupid and then it hit me... I was salty.  I hadn't asked him for anything.  I was fine talking to and dating other people.  He was the one that had made it clear that he wasn't talking to anyone else.  I never made that declaration and I definitely never asked him to refrain.

As he explained that he didn't want to move backward and he didn't want to hurt me, my intolerance blocked his words.  I am pretty sure he said he wasn't going to talk to his ex and that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the over-thinking was reaching its peak and for the next 24 hours, I went through wanting to talk to him and not wanting to talk to him.  When I did talk, I was bitter cold and my words were like tiny needles.  It wasn't serious enough to be throwing daggers.  Then, I remembered that I had liked him.  I wondered if he had actually liked me too. So, I asked the question that I would take back, if take backs were allowed.  I asked him if he liked me in any special way, or if I was just a rebound from his last relationship.  In an instant, he went from warm and apologetic to cold.  He told me if I was going to be salty to him for handling something badly, but being honest, then I could stop contacting him, because my response was going to make him change his opinion of me.

In a way, he was right.  It was like I had gotten wrapped up in the disappointment and forgotten that I didn't want anything serious in the first place.  This wasn't what he had said, but his words were like a slap in the face that brought me back to my right mind.  Our time together had been lovely, but it wasn't love and it wasn't a relationship.  I was letting rejection cloud my thought and my pride was running away with my logic.  I responded that I was sorry for upsetting him and told him that I wanted to take a step back and just enjoy talking again.  I wanted to go back to the friendship we were building and that maybe, down the line, when I was back in Houston, we could build more.  But, for now, I just wanted to have a good time and be light-hearted.

As I typed the text, I felt a weight lift.  I didn't fall into the thing I had done so often with my ex.  If he grew distant, I would grow more angry, wondering why.  When he hit on other women, I wondered why he didn't want me and I would fall deep into thought.  The bad kind of thought I was talking about earlier.  But, not this time.  If this guy wants to talk to others, so be it.  I'm not ready to sign anything saying I will just talk to and see him, either.  I spent one 24-hour period slowly slipping onto the dark side, but right in the nick of time, I remembered that people are going to do what they are going to do.  He was honest and I believe he likes me.  If that should change in the near or distant future, so be it.  The show and the dating must go on.  My only goal is to live life in the present moment.  And at this present moment, I would like to get to know this man better, while enjoying my life as a serial dater.

1 comment:

  1. yes, people will always be who they want. and that's what really makes the world go round. hope things are alll gravyyy now :]


About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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