Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Happiness

Some days, I hate what I do.  I wake up after 4 hours of sleep and I return to the thing that keeps me up at night.  With sleep in my eyes, I go back to the drawing board.  I attempt to dream up concepts and ideas that will make people question ... things.

Most mornings, I have to force myself out of bed. I bribe myself with coffee and a promise that I will return to bed at a decent hour and finally get a good night sleep. The coffee is the only part of this promise that is ever realized. If I'm not up working on a photo shoot, I'm writing for one of my two blogs, or putting together proposals for art projects. Just this week, I have embarked upon a mission to make a short film about women and their uteri.  Because I didn't have enough irons in the fire, already. 

Life is busy.  And, some days I hate what I do.  Some days it just gets to be too much.  I don't think I can take it anymore.  Then, I have days like today.  I get through a photo meeting, I get a new client, I perform a pretty damned good beginner ballet routine and I hit my bed exhausted.  These days are the ones that keep me going.  These days are the ones that make me feel whole.  

They are days when I can barely squeeze in a meal.  On these days, I am running off coffee and a sheer unadulterated love for life and for what I do. I don't have time to text or spend time with friends.  I spend days like this tucked away in a dark room or in front of a computer in the photo lab.  My mind stays occupied.  It has no time to wonder.  There's no time to worry. And, there is definitely no time to think about romances or relationships.  

These are the days I am the happiest, not because I am validated or fulfilled by a man.  These are the days I am the happiest, because they are the days I am productive. My happiness comes from a pride in what I do.  My happiness comes when I have a break through after many sleepless nights.  My happiness comes from knowing I went back to school and I am about to have be the first person in my family with a degree. The details, both small and large, create the substance in my life and that substance is what makes me happy.  The men are just auxiliary. Like the cherry on top of the sweetest hot fudge sundae ever ... or, in my case, cherries. 

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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