Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Commitment of "I'm Not Interested"

I have long been a commitment-phobe ... I admit it. The thought of committing to anything kind of turns my stomach and makes me a little light headed. That is why I have been going through so much transition anxiety with the move back to Houston. It's not so much the move as the idea that I am here ... for good. For the past four years, I have been on the move. I have been constantly going from one place to the next. Moving around this much has made it impossible to commit to a job or a man. I am now looking for a commitment to a workplace. And, I had my reasons for not committing to men. But, I didn't have to share those reasons. Because, I was always just on my way out.

Now, I am discovering a whole new form of commitment. I am discovering what it means to commit to a goodbye. When I left before, I could always say, "Hey, I'm heading out of town, but I will hit you up when I get back." That worked. I may or may not have hit them back when I got back to town. But, I always had the option. It was always left open. I know how this sounds. I'm a jerk. But, I am a recovering jerk. And so, for the first time in ... possibly forever, I committed to a good-bye.

"I think you are very nice, but we are not suited for each other. I don't want to date you. We can eventually be friends, but nothing more." As I said the words, I surprised myself. This man was no longer going to be on reserve. And not just because I had said the words, but because I am not doing that to people anymore.

I realized I have not been totally clear with people. And that is changing now. I am going to make it a point to be clear. Whether it's asking what a man is looking for upfront or sharing what I am looking for, I am communicating. It wasn't really necessary before. I was always in transition. I was never really looking for anything. There was a freedom that was beautiful. Sometimes it was a one-night-stand. Sometimes a friendship came out of it. But, other times, people were left confused and even hurt.

I am not 100% clear on what it is that I want. But I am getting settled into my new life and I am not the rambler I once was. I know what goes on in my mind from day-to-day and I think it is my duty to share that with anyone that spends an extended amount of time with me. Is this what growth feels like? Maybe it is. It definitely feels better and more responsible than just not answering texts and phone calls. When I say I'm not interested in games, I am really not interested in games. So, if someone chooses to stop talking to me after I tell them the truth, then that is their choice. But, it is a choice I will always make sure  to offer. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm experiencing the same thing. Well sort of. Commitment wise since experiencing a traumatic breakup, I've been commitment leery. Beyond sexual indulgences before I became celibate, being in a relationship was out of the question, and dating is even more so. Even to the point where I won't even give dudes my number. It's sad but true. I'm slowly getting out of that shell as I learn to love myself and heal my wounds and just take chances. If I were you I would see these things as an adventure and one that you are capable of surviving and even if you were to scrap your knee or break your arm along the way, sorta speak, you are more than capable of mending things together and keep it moving. Sometimes we forget how strong we really are and how much we are capable of.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.
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