Monday, June 27, 2011

The Evolution of the Modern American Male Dater

Or, the situation that poses the question ... Why am I not dating women?

Okay, I have to start this off with a confession. As you guys know, I have not been writing much lately. I have, however, still been dating a lot. I have to ask the forgiveness of my steady readers. I have not been sharing like I used to. But, I have been learning. And, I will be writing more frequently. Here's a little conclusion I have come to in my last few months of dating.

The modern American dating male goes through certain phases in life. Men are not non-commital by nature. It's actually quite the opposite. Men from birth to about 24 are the most romantic of all creatures. They are all looking for love. They believe it to be pure and wonderful. They all want that first real love. They all have that one girl that they love. The one that has never loved them in the past. They pine for her broodingly. They are moody and they are annoying at times. They look at every attractive woman as a possible love and they believe that once in their first relationship, it's a smart idea to just dive right in.

Once they have landed that one true love, they decide that moving in together is a brilliant idea. So, they take that leap. Usually too soon. They move in together. They think this will mean non-stop sex. Some times that is true. It also means non-stop talking, non-stop contact and non-stop sideways glances. Living with someone is not easy. It's about sharing bills, sharing chores and sharing a life ... not just about sharing a bed. This is not exactly what the male was looking for in his love nest. What happened to the days and days of endless sex? Sorry dating male, you and your love have to go to work. You have to feed yourselves and (hopefully) you still have friends you would like to see. Most likely, you want your love to give you space. And surprise, she's not always hot for you or wet and waiting. Not quite the fairy tale roommate you were looking for. Yes, real life can be an asshole that way.

So, things start to get less romantic. The Modern American Male Dater starts growing tired of answering to his love and the sex is even more infrequent now than when they first moved in. Either he or his love does something really stupid, or just grows tired of the other. And, they break up. This leads us to the dating male aged approximately 25 to approximately 34.

The 25 - 34 year old male is free. He's fallen in love. His dreams of romance have been shattered and he walks around with a 10 foot barrier around every part of his body, except his penis. He's still down to get down, but at the first mention of any sort of commitment (or second date), the male's relationship PTSD kicks in and the only thing to be seen is a cloud of dust. He's scared. He's too smart for that. The pendulum has swung from stupid, naive and overly romantic to the most non-commital of all the male creatures. He's not romantic at all. He was burned by his own haste. Now, his heart needs time. This male is trouble to the unsuspecting, commitment-seeking female. He's at his prime age to make babies. But he also, most likely, already has 1-3 kids with the love that burned him. And he's also probably going through child support issues when you meet him and have a lovely dinner and (what turns out to be) one night of passion. He might even rush you out in the morning so he can go pick up his kids.

Then, you have the 34 and up male. He's had his first love. He's had his kids. He's had his fun and he is just seeing where life takes him. He's not seeking a relationship, but he's not completely against one. The scars from that first relationship are fading and he is willing to take things slowly and see what comes of it. He's not overly romantic, but he's no longer terrified. If things have gone right, he knows how to treat a woman. He opens doors, knowing full and well that a woman can open her own door, but wanting to do  nice things for her. Again, if all things have gone well, he has a good job, his own place and a car. He's a catch. This is the most datable of the males. He's not going to stalk you or cry if you stop dating him and he's not going to sleep with you and never return a text again.

So, women, go forth. You now know what you are getting into. This is not to say that all males are like this. There are those that deviate from the pack in all groups. But, if you sleep with a 29 year old and never hear from him again, or sleep with a 23 year old and wonder why he's crying at your job when you get there in the morning ... He's been there all night and you were warned.

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About Me

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I am the product-child of the Women's Lib movement. I have a grade A education, a promising career and no immediate goal for children or a spouse. I will be 30 this year and I have spent many years in monogamous relationships. In and out of 1 to 2 year relationships, I always dated with the goal of meeting someone special. Most of the time I didn't date. Most of the time I found myself falling into relationship after relationship. These relationships were doomed to fail. They were all built on expectations that were, for me, unattainable. I love meeting new people. I find sex enjoyable and empowering and I am not happy when I am monogamous. So, after my last break-up, after taking some time to grieve, I decided to cut my societal puppet strings and get back in the game. I set out on a mission to spend the Summer of 2010 dating as many men as possible. My only initial criteria was attraction. My only limitation was - no love and no structured relationships. This is my date by date tale of what life can be like outside of the goals of relationships and love.